Sunday, February 7, 2010

Remembering

Friday as I waited in the school front office to pick up Maddison, I found myself watching each and every child. Remembering. Remembering the easy days. The days when Diabetes wasn't here. The days when we could just do whatever we wanted, without planning first. I watched the kindergarten kids come bounding from their classrooms full of energy and smiles. My heart ached as I realized Maddison was diagnosed at this very same age. But they look so tiny. Tears filled my eyes. I wondered which child would be next. Which child might be diagnosed next?

One little girl caught my eye. She reminded me of Maddison at that tender age of 6. Before diagnosis. I noticed the little girls dark circles under her eyes, and the too thin frame she carries. I wondered, and I worried. What if? Then, the 1st graders emerged from their classes. I watched each child in amazement. Remembering when Maddison was just like them. Remembering when she didnt have this burden to carry. Remembering when riding the bus home wasn't a worry. Remembering when she could go home with a friend after school without a care in the world.

My sister mentioned to me the other day that her baby Sammi has been very thirsty. Wetting through alot more diapers. She's just 18 months old....now, I worry. I remembered back to when Maddison was that age. Ohhhh....how I miss that age. Maddison started with her D symptoms around the age of 2. How was it that she wasn't dx'd until the age of 6? I think in our family we have a very slow and long onset. Maddison started with the meltdowns. The hyper phases. The dark circles. The sleepless nights. It wasn't until the end when thirst and bed wetting set in. Now, I'm remembering. Remembering how it all started.

I want to swoop up my baby niece Sammi and do everything in my power to keep her from this horrid disease. I know I can't....but, I feel that I can. Or, at least maybe I can see it coming and intervene before she gets really sick. She's probably fine....but what if? I'm scared for her. I think if Diabetes takes another child in this family I will lose my mind. Knowing all I know now....knowing what D really is....I'm not sure I could handle hearing another diagnosis. Today, I'm grieving over so many things.

Today was a day I could have just stared at the wall all day and remembered life before. Remember life before Maddison had Diabetes. Then, I realized....I dont even remember ME without Diabetes. Diabetes is just what I do. Diabetes is just ME. I hope that it feels the same for Maddison. Today I thought alot about my Dad's Diabetes battles. I was looking at his pictures remembering his eyes before blindness set in. They were so clear and blue. I remember his garden and how he tended to it every day so happily before Diabetes left him so sick all the time. I remember him working on his old cars all day on the weekends. I remembered how he never sat still. He was always doing something, always doing the things he loved. Until he physically couldnt anymore.

Today I remember how I HATE this disease as a 38 stared back on Maddison's meter. She just wanted to join her friends in the Jacuzzi. 38 reminded me that Diabetes is never very far, even when you just want to have fun. A sad day for me today. My heart is beginning to accept the fact that my Dad really is gone. I'm tearful on and off all day. And then, I remember my mom. My mom is still here, all alone. In a big empty house. Without the man she planned to spend her life with. And then, my heart breaks even more. I can't imagine how she must feel. Tomorrow she returns to work for the first time in 2 months. And then, she will come home from work to that big empty house. Alone. Without my Dad there to smile and hug her tight. I just can't believe it. My heart is so empty. I want to keep my Mom from this pain.

I'm trying to get to bed tonight without a heavy heart. I'm trying to remember the good in life, but right now, life just hurts. I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow....trying to remind myself that time will heal our broken hearts.

6 comments:

Lora said...

I am sorry you have a heavy heart. I cant imagine what you all must be still going through. Just keep in mind that you are a STRONG woman and your Mom is a STRONG woman. You have eachother and you surely have a great angel looking over you.
I am sure everything will be just fine with your neice. But if for some stupid reason D decides to come around, she will have one awesome aunt to help her.

"Keep moving forward" as Walt Disney would say :)Everything will get better.

phonelady said...

Oh Kelly my heart aches for you and yes it seems like you are just going through the motions of living right now and that is how it is when you have lost someone so close . I remember when my 2nd husband was killed and how hard it was to get through every day and with a child with the big d too . I do know what you are going through . I wish I could be there and give you a hug . I am thinking about you and wishing you well .

Hallie said...

Oh Kelly. I'm so sorry. I wish I could heal your broken heart. I wish I could just make D go away. I remember those days, too- before D. Back when life was easy and carefree. And I didn't even know how easy it was. I've been thinking back a lot lately, too.

Thanks for your sweet note yesterday. It's so nice to know that others have been thru the same things and I'm not crazy!! So nice to know that it does get better - at least a bit- with time.

Love you girl!

Joanne said...

I'm so sorry Kelly. I can't imagine the burden on you right now, and just how much strength you must have to keep on going. You are definitely an inspiration to the rest of us out here in blogland!

Shamae said...

Hugs Kelly.

Penny said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I haven't had a day like that in a while, but I know another one is coming any day now.

I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. (((hug)))