Monday, February 8, 2010


Today was a better day, even though both girls were home from school with fevers. I was able to get alot done while they cuddled in bed together all day watching movies. When I get stressed or overwhelmed with life, It seems I always end up cleaning and organizing closets or anything sorting through anything else that has been neglected. I guess thats how I re-focus my feelings. I've realized when I'm lost in my cleaning frenzies I'm actually sorting through alot thats been backed up in my emotions. With all that was sorted and re-organized today, I feel much more at peace today than yesterday!

So, after everything in the house was obsessively cleaned, I started to gather all our medical expenses and reciepts to prepare for the dreaded filing of taxes. ICK! I came across my file of medical records, and of course, I had to go through some of them just out of curiosity. I came across my labs at diagnosis...I've seen it a hundred times before, my A1c was 13%...but this time, I noticed my fasting number was 116. WTH? How does that happen? An A1c of 13% but my fasting number was 116? Is that even possible? I dug a little deeper....I came across an ER visit I had in 2002for kidney stones. I flipped through my lab results. All looked good, except my Glucose read 148H. At 4 o'clock in the morning. WEIRD....that was in 2002, 4 years before I was diagnosed. My blood sugar was 148 at 4am? I'm sure that would be a number reflective of having not eaten since dinner the night before. 148?

Yes, 148 is high. Is it terribly high? Not really, but at 4am thats pretty high for someone without Diabetes. No, they didnt draw an A1c. ER's don't have reason to draw an A1c unless you have Diabetes I guess. Now, I wonder. I'm thinking my onset of Diabetes was very, very long. As in, at LEAST 4 years. From the time I was pregnant with Hannah (I was 19) I had the symptoms of extreme thirst, irritability and fatigue. Did I mention I had "gestational Diabetes" with both girls? Again looking at the lab report from the ER in 2002, I focused on that 148. What was my blood sugar after eating all day? This was back in the days when I did drink regular Coke and eat higher carb loads.....Interesting....scary. Many times at work I used to "feel low" and would have a nurse check my BS. I always came back at around 80. Maybe 80 WAS low for me. Maybe I was used to being in the 150-200 range. Who knows. Of course, now I just wonder. How long did Maddison's Diabetes hurt her before diagnosis? How long did my Dad and I have elevated readings before being diagnosed? Was that part of the reason my Dad ended up with so many complications? Sure, 148 isnt THAT high, but it isnt normal either. I thought I liked 148. I thought 148 was a decent number. Now I'm not so sure.

Maddison was just 465 going to bed. Hannah wants to puke. I've watched her eat and pee all day. Just like I did before Diabetes took over. Diabetes thoughts are haunting me tonight. Hannah had an A1c drawn earlier this year. It was 5.5% which is actually considered something to "watch" per her Pediatrician. I just don't know anymore. I'm tired of the Diabetes fear. I'm tired of seeing all the signs in Hannah. I'm tired of watching and waiting. I'm tired of hearing that this disease takes yet another persons carefree life. I'm tired of thinking how my Dad would be here today, if not for Diabetes. Just tired.


katerina said...

I can totally relatemy youngest son had an A1c two months ago and it was 5.4, I think sometimes I worry about this more than anything else. I promissed my self to check him once in a while but I am too scared to do it.

phonelady said...

Hugs to you dear . Hope things get better soon .

Reyna said...

WOW...moving post.

I too feel I am waiting for my daughter to "get it" son was diagnosed 3 and 1/2 years ago at 3 years of age...we checked my daughter one night like 5 hours after she ate and she was 161...ugh. I now check her urine ketones once in awhile...but so far so good. xoxo to is not an easy life for sure.