Friday, February 5, 2010

Pump setting woes, Grandpa Woes

I realized the other day that Maddison's pump is programmed with the wrong nightime basal rate! You would think after nearly 2 weeks of highs at bedtime I would have checked and found the setting too low. Nope. I never checked. I just corrected the high each night and moved on, preoccupied with so many other things right now. I felt like such a terrible D Mom when I realized it. Damn pump patterns! Maddison is usually set to "Pattern A" during the school week when she requires much more insulin. "Pattern B" was staring back at me when I finally decided to see what the settings were. I feel like such a jerk! Last night though (being switched to the right pattern) she was a perfect 130 going to bed with no insulin left from eating...of course she didnt stay there. 210 was her midnight number. Damn Diabetes!

I skipped my Endo appointment on Monday. I had to. I hadn't been to work in nearly two weeks, I couldnt take the day off for ME. I wouldn't be surprised if my Endo discharges me, even though I always call to cancel. This is the 3rd appointment I've cancelled! TERRIBLE!! I know!! I haven't been in to see her since...last May? YIKES. I'm not worried about my A1c, I need to get back in for my Thyroid. (I have long standing Goiter and multi-nodular complex masses)

A HORRIBLE TERRIBLE THING.....A Co-worker of mine who is around 45yrs old, was just dx'd with some type of Thyroid heart is BREAKING for her. I feel SICK inside. I can't imagine the road ahead for her. On Monday she came into my office asking about my insulin pump because she was having some kind of pump implanted the next day along with a feeding tube and Chemo/Radiation stent. I just wanted to cry. I did actually, all the way home that day. There is so much illness all around us...after dealing with my Dad in ICU for so many weeks, I just want to hide the more I hear about and see others who are faced with medical issues! My heart aches. I'm stuck in fear mode. Fearing illness is out to get me and my family!

Maddison is having a very hard week. We have a touch of a viral thing in our house. Headache, sore throat. Maddison takes advantage of that every-single-morning. Maddison hates school. Thats no secret. Every morning this week has been pure torture trying to get her out the door. She pleads with me to believe her. She pleads that her throat is on fire and her head is going to burst. (Strep was negative) She cries, SOBS every morning. Its not so much the feeling yucky, as it is her heart is aching. She hates school. But now, her heart is also aching for her Grandpa, which makes going to school even MORE torture for her. Today she refused to get out of the car. Everytime I opened the door, she pulled it closed. Then she climbed into the back of the van and hid. Sobbing. Luckily, the school nurse and the school counselor were on the drop off line duty. The nurse opened the door for Maddison and coaxed her out, while the counselor swooped her up and took her to her office to talk.

The counselor called me shortly after school started today. She had spoken with Maddison a long time about her feelings. Of course, the main thing is that Maddison just doesnt want to be at school. She never does. Add to that a headache, a sore throat and the death of her Grandpa....Maddison's really struggling. (Probably doesnt help that we watched "My Sisters Keeper" last night!!!) And Hannah? Hannah was very close to her Grandpa when she was younger. I know Hannah's heart is troubled, yet she hasn't wanted to talk about it yet. Soon I'm sure she will, when we are all past the denial that is still taking us over. Hannah was able to see my Dad several times when he was in the hospital. The 2nd day after his bypass he told Hannah that he wouldn't die like her other Grandpa had. He told her he would be coming home. Remembering that day breaks my heart. I know my Dad would have made it out of there just fine. If only the ERROR didn't happen.

The more I think about my kids being without a Grandpa, the more it hurts my heart. Knowing that my kids understand what happened in that hospital, makes me sick. I'm sure it scares them. I hate to think that my Dads Diabetes scares Maddison. As much as we talk about it, I'm sure Maddison understands that WE will be okay. We have insulin pumps. But does she really feel safe from this disease? Is all this Grandpa stuff playing into her sadness when she is sent off to school? Maybe its not. Maybe this is just her normal "hatred" of school. I just wish I knew.


Meri said...

We had to put our foot down a couple times too about the sick and going to school thing. Our rule is, Not barfing? Not Feverish? Then you are going.

I'm so sorry to hear about your co worker! When we were dealing with cancer in our house last year it also felt that the whole world was dealing with health problems. It was sometimes too much to bear. Because we were going through such things our hearts would break that others would have to go through so much heartache too.

Your empathy for other right now
is so strong Kelly, because you are hurting, and your children.

I don't know if time really heals things...but it does ease the pain. I'm pulling for you friend. You all will get through this hard time.

phonelady said...

Oh wow Kelly I wish there was some way someone could take all this sadness away from you and your family and others around you too . I will pray for you and your family and the co worker too . God bless you cause you are so strong I dont know how you keep going on . Please if you need to talk you can always get a hold of me at .