At 5am my alarm clock sounds. Time to hit the treadmill. Or not. Maddison went to bed in range but by midnight she spiked 130 points. I battled her highs all night. She has complained of cold symptoms on and off for days now. My Maddie is not a complainer. She doesn't slow down until she REALLY feels bad. I think it's coming. I can see it in the numbers. Hannah has missed the last two days of school with a horrid cough. All the neighbors and kids at school are sick with "the flu." Yikes.
Maddison wakes up with my 5am alarm and tells me to PLEASE be quiet so she can sleep. Why is she in my bed again anyway? Did I mention I moved the treadmill RIGHT beside my bed for a few weeks? I had to give up my exercise room...but I couldn't give up my treadmill with it, so beside my bed it sits waiting to be used.(We have family staying with us until their new home is ready.) This is also Josh's only day off. I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate my feet hitting the treadmill at 5am right beside him. So, no treadmill for me today. This was an actual, valid excuse this time for a change! I honestly didn't want to disturb my sleeping husband that slaves away at work 14 hours a day. So, I crawled back into bed. I'm so irritated with myself....6 days of workouts have slid by me. I'm too damn tired to get out of bed at 5am. For the prior 6 weeks I had the routine down. I was on a roll. Doing great, feeling even better. And now, once again, I am back to choosing sleep over exercise! How dare me! :)
I know that choosing to sleep over the exercise means I will DRAG myself through each day. I will be miserable. But for that 5am moment, sleep is all I can rationalize. I NEED to get up to a vigorous workout in the morning to stay energized. Did I mention I have a whole ordeal of hormonal testing next week? I want an answer. I want a definite answer. Not just "adrenal fatigue" as a blanket diagnosis. This tired person isn't me, I don't normally fall asleep all day and choose the couch when I get home from work. I'm the type of person that can't sit still. I must find something to do. I can always find something that needs to be done to keep me moving. Is the pool clean? the yard? How about the front yard? The kids rooms? Is the dog walked? Lately, that isn't me. Lately, I don't care. Or is it that I'm too tired to care?
Now its 9pm and the kids are in bed. I'm not so tired. In fact, I can't sleep. How did I get to this crazy place? Now I'm exhausted all day and I can't sleep at night? What the heck? So I sit here and wonder how I have gotten to this point. I think back to the way "I" really used to be. 3 years ago something changed everything. I used to sleep a good nights sleep. Besides the sleep changes, I had always been a runner, 20 miles a week was "easy" back then. I've always exercised 4-5 times a week, and felt totally energized all day. That was "ME." I felt healthy, even when I was diagnosed, with the exception of a few months there! I was the "healthiest" I had ever been. Being diagnosed I felt crappy alot, but I came back quickly once I figured out exercise and insulin. I never quit my workouts and I felt good despite all the new Diabetes craziness. But, bring in Maddison's Diabetes diagnosis a few months after mine, and it was all over.
Tonight I sit here being "not so tired" because I am a mess inside. My sleep habits are all screwy, and it isn't anything that I have chosen or done to myself. I dont have poor sleep habits because of caffeine, TV, or anything I could change. I have sleep problems because the one thing I CANT change in life, of course, that's Maddison's Diabetes. I think what Diabetes has taken the MOST from me physically is sleep. And it isn't my own Diabetes that has taken it. I'm "not so tired" tonight because the Mama bear has to make sure her baby bear is safe and healthy tonight... how can I sleep when I feel the need to be watchful? Does my mind ever stop thinking so I can rest? I could never decide to not check Maddison at night, we just dont have predictability with her numbers for long, Maybe a month or so, but then it all changes! I tend to be a bit anal about keeping Maddison in range over night, I admit that. But, a good 8-10 hour stretch of stable numbers while she sleeps is crucial to her overall health!
I'm tired of being tired all day. I'm tired of being given the opportunity to crash early at 9pm and I cant get to sleep. Now THAT is frustrating. I think I already have it all figured out! Too bad it isn't gonna happen.....life just isn't that easy.....If I could just push back my work hours......I wouldn't have to get up an hour and a half early to fit in a workout before sending the kids off to school! I can dream can't I??? I just don't know if I can do 5am, REALLY. It's not the workout that I make excuses for. I actually like to exercise, just not at 5am! It used to be I worked later in the mornings, so I didnt have to get up so painfully early to fit in a workout......This is where the blame comes in....I'm angry that Diabetes has made me this tired person. I'm not an early morning person, so now that I wake up several times a night chasing numbers, I can't wake up THAT early anymore to exercise! So, I blame Diabetes for making me this unfit, tired, lazy person I have become. Sad, I know. I don't want to "blame" anything for the fact that I haven't made the time for ME that I know I MUST have to stay healthy and sane. But, the truth is, right now I do blame the Diabetes. And, thats ok....as long as I snap out of this and find a way to have my sleep and work out too!
So, while I sit here "not so tired" every night I will try to brainstorm and find the answer to my sleep issues and lack of exercise craziness. Choose sleep? Choose exercise to induce better sleep? What if I just physically CANT wake up at 5am? I know my brain is playing with me. I know that if I make myself get up for blood sugar checks often at night then I should be able to make myself get up for that 5am alarm! But, I seriously cant, or at least I haven't been able to the last week or so. This "not so tired night" will surely make for a very tired morning. I'm hoping to brain wash myself enough tonight that I come springing from bed at 5am bright eyed and ready to go.....does anyone actually do that?
Moving my blog again
5 years ago