Monday, October 20, 2008


Every day I keep thinking that TOMORROW I will be myself again. Energetic, motivated, determined........cheerful. My first thought every morning is that I need to call in sick to work and sleep all day. Then as the day progresses I end up more and more angry with myself that I just cant snap out of this "BLAH" attitude! I'm not miserably sad....I'm actually numb to most emotions lately. I don't have any energy, and I don't care much about anything although I spend enormous amounts of time feeling guilty and frustrated about everything in life. I'm used to running circles around at home, eagerly working off my energy and inability to sit still. Yard work, chores, errands, taking Maddison to volunteer, and escorting kids here and there was what kept me busy. These last few weeks my house isn't maintained everyday as it used to be. Laundry sits. Three Goldens beg to be walked. Bills need to be paid. The pool is a mess. Clutter surrounds me and everything waits for tomorrow.

I know the "simple" start to my lack of energy is to get back to my treadmill each morning. I know how great I feel after a good workout, but at 5am every morning my alarm clock sounds and I hit snooze for an hour. My treadmill sits. I just can't drag myself out of bed. I spend alot of time feeling guilty for that, especially when I can't fit into my jeans anymore! The three wild Goldens try everything they can to convince me I can do it. But I guess I just don't care enough to make that first effort. Every day I say "TOMORROW" I will get back on track. And everyday ends and starts with me feeling BLAH. I'm so tired of everything.

A big part of my "Blah" attitude is of course, Maddison's school issues. I just don't know what to do anymore. Our IEP meeting went great and I feel confident that our team can really turn things around for her in the classroom. Confidence in her teacher however, is a different story. Stress still reflects in her blood sugars every day at school. We have made progress with her afternoon numbers, but even after making some more changes today for morning highs she ended up even higher which I didn't imagine would possibly happen!! She eats the same breakfast every morning. She has a new school basal pattern set in her pump and a weekend pattern. I feel so disgusted that I can't get it right after 10 weeks of school and even more disgusted with myself for just giving up and deciding it is what is! How is she supposed to do well when she is high 200's every morning? AND WHY is this not an issue at home!!?? STRESS!!Because my 8 year old daughter is stressed in her classroom and that sickens me!! Literally every-single-day I believe we will see progress. Every day I say tomorrow will fall into place and I never give up making it right. I'm tired of tomorrow and I want it to be okay TODAY!

COBRA has me feeling BLAH. We are nearing financial crisis and have had to deplete our savings to pay for health insurance. We don't have an extra $800 a month to pay for COBRA. But we have to, and we have been. Somehow we always make it, I just don't know how much longer we can. Very scary.

Our JDRF walk is in 12 days and I lack any motivation to get things together. I'm not interested in fundraising. I'm not chasing around someone to sponsor our T-shirts for the team. I really don't care at this point. I want to go to the walk, have fun for the day and have Maddison feel proud of the friends and family that support her. That's about it.

I used to make plans for our family. I used to work towards goals. I had an interest in micro managing my accounts at work. I wanted that promotion. Now I can't wait to crawl in bed every night and hide from my BLAH feelings. This isn't me. It makes me feel guilty that I don't have the strength to turn myself around. Maybe it has nothing to do with strength? Maybe I really just don't care anymore. I still have some good days, and I DO want tomorrow to be the better day that motivates me and chases away this BLAH me.......tomorrow I need a push in the right direction.

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