I'm not the depressed, obsessed, controlling, nagging, angry, complaining person that this blog reflects. I think I need to add that in a disclaimer on my main page! I had a co-worker come to me today to tell me I am not the person she sees in my blog. WHEW! Thank goodness! She assured me she sees me as a optimistic and cheerful person. I think if I were the person my blog reflects I would be looking pretty sad most days, a bit like a teenager that is "EMO". (I do feel as though I have aged 10 years in the last 2 though!)
I have probably lost alot of readers of my blog from simply complaining too much and being too depressing. It isn't any fun and it doesn't feel good to listen to someone bitch all day, I know. This blog is where I choose to "purge" my Diabetes thoughts and move on with my day. I have a husband that is gone 80 hours or more at work every week.(he has a co-driver and gets to "sleep" in a Semi- truck!)I have two young kids, three Golden Retrievers and I work part time in an office all alone. At home you will find me being a Housekeeper, Teacher, Gardner, Personal chef, full time Pancreas for two, Laundry slave, Psychologist, Secretary, Chauffeur, Entertainer, Dog groomer, Pack leader, Dish washer, Plumber, Pool Maintenance Technician, Seamstress, Computer Engineer...you get the point. I dont get a chance to talk to anyone most days about anything, and certainly not to anyone about Diabetes which would eat me alive if I didn't get a chance to scream from the roof tops about how much I HATE this Disease! So, I purge it here. All truthful feelings. Nothing is censored or left unsaid fearing that someone will think I am crazy. Just the sad realities and cold truth of how I feel day in and day out living with Diabetes and chasing numbers in my child.
I could pretend I didn't have these feelings and pretend I am always optimistic and finding the "good" in everything. I could pretend that Diabetes isn't that hard and that I am all cool and calm and in control. I could stuff my feelings down until I explode. I learned the hard way that a mental breakdown CAN happen and I promised myself to never go there again. I promised myself that in this blog I would purge my anger and get on with my day, and I do. The weight is lifted. I feel like I am being heard. I feel like I am actually shouting from the rooftops every single day and that in itself is empowering. To be heard, and I mean REALLY heard with all honesty is what saves my sanity.
And, by the way .....I also think that I wouldn't feel SO overwhelmed and crazy every day if it were JUST me with Diabetes. That I could do! But give Diabetes to your 8 year old pride and joy in life and it is pretty devastating. Every day. You may not feel it everyday, but your sub-conscious takes it in everyday and hides it in the back of your mind. Or at least mine does. And it waits. It waits for a "bad" Diabetes day and will come crashing down in a total emotional crying meltdown. I cry it out, hide in bed all day and then I am better. This is me. I have always been this emotional.
I hope you know I am someone that sees the light in every day. I am someone that doesn't take anything for granted and I certainly don't carry gloom everywhere I go. I see the good in everyone, instead of the bad. I even see the "good" in having Diabetes! I bet ya didn't know that one! I am always smiling (even when I feel like crying!) and I am honestly a happy person despite what is reflected here. I just hope you know.
Moving my blog again
3 years ago