Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Taking a beating

Maddison's Diabetes has me taking an emotional beating today, well..... for the last few weeks I guess. I suppose anyone that frequents my blog can see that. Somehow I have lost the emotional battle AGAIN after doing so well and overcoming so much. This last week I have really taken an emotional beating. And of course, physical in the sense that I have been awakened every 1-2 hours for the last 8 days straight.

We had two better nights from the double and triple basal changes I made. I conquered that fear and brainwashed myself into trusting my decision. But I have to have three good nights in a row to make sure Maddison is safe from plummeting low with that kind of drastic adjustment. Of course, I have not seen more than one predictable night. So, I must check again tomorrow night. That is where I am at. Each night makes the next more confusing. All of a sudden an entire week has passed without progress.

Right now Maddison is doing great during the day. Great daytime numbers, I am so very grateful for that. The weird lows followed one night, not the next. Back again. Reduced basals and the highs returned. Increased it and the lows haunted me all hours, every hour of the night. Although I feel confident that we are almost there, Girlscouts last night kicked me to the curb. They had ice cream sundaes at 730pm! We always avoid ice cream at night, for the high it brings hits us from the 4th to 8th hour! I haven't yet figured out how to combat the ice cream. Then there was the hot fudge on top, and the waffle bowl. 70c later I doubted my guesstimate. Then I was sure I had it right. Then I doubted again. Going to bed at 9pm at 136 and a huge active bolus isn't exactly the way to determine a good basal setting! NO! This was supposed to be a good night of numbers to assure me we are adjusted well. Long night cut short, 74 then 72 then 110 and yep, the ice cream high by midnight.....386. Just great.

In recent months past we have had great A1c's and days carefree without any Diabetes worries. I have stayed motivated and optimistic, truly at peace with Diabetes in our house. It doesn't take long for a bad stretch of highs or lows to drag me down, stomping on me repeatedly, stealing my confidence and outlook on living with this disease. For today, I am too tired from the sleep deprivation to get back up. I know I am a stronger person than this. I know that I believe in myself to get back to where we need to be. I know that we will get back to that point soon as long as I remain confident and diligent, but right now there is not an ounce of strength within me.

Maybe I just need sleep to refresh me? Sleep is very important to the mental strength that I know I possess somewhere inside. But what do you do when you have no choice but to awaken all hours of the night to make sure your child is safe from a crashing blood sugar? Is it the emotional beating I have taken that keeps me feeling so down? Or is it the lack of a good nights sleep? I don't remember feeling like this when my children were newborns. Lord knows a breastfeeding baby is awake all hours of the night too. I guess you have something beautiful to show for your hard work then. Right now all I see is a little girl that is tired. A little girl that needs relief from the blood sugar roller coaster, and I am the only one to stop it. I am determined. I am confident. But I have really taken a beating this time. And, to top it off my sister who I know means well, decides to tell me that RIGHT NOW I need Jesus in my life. That Jesus is my answer to the grief in my heart. As if I wouldn't feel this way right now. Yes, I understand what she meant. BUT, this was the wrong time for anyone to judge my faith, trust or belief in Jesus. Yes, a sister that I speak to maybe 6 times a year feels that she knows how I live my life and what I am lacking. Thanks alot for that beating too, my great sister. You really topped off any feel good I had left.

I am really tired of being a total downer on this blog. That is not what is intended, but it is definitely where I have found myself lately, I have an eerie ability to hide my stress and feelings from others, it is here that I release the wrath of my recent beatings. I don't walk around looking defeated as one might assume reading my posts. (ok, maybe I just look like a bus hit me) I don't spend my day wallowing in pity. I don't sit around doing nothing because I am too tired to move. I carry on without my feelings being sown onto my sleeve. I might not smile quite as much, but I stay strong on the outside for my kids.

Enough of my sob story. I feel better getting that all out......-WHEW!-I had a fabulous Mothers Day surrounded by family and fun, more than I could have asked for. We also have some very exciting fun days ahead. My sisters first baby shower! Family coming in from North Carolina, a long weekend date with my husband.........take a deep breathe.........we are almost there.


Penny said...

Tag!! You're it!!

Here are the rules:

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, choose 6 people to be tagged, list their names & why you tagged them. Don’t forget to leave them a comment saying “You’re it!” & to go read your blog. You cannot tag the person that tagged you, so since you’re not allowed to tag me back; let me know when you are done so I can go read YOUR weird, random, facts, habits and goals. Have fun!

Cosmo Mom said...

IT's really hard I know. I hate when I have great numbers, i'm feeling good.. I think "I rock! I'm supper mom!!" then BAM! Diabetes strikes back! full force and laughs at me.. like "don't forget me.... i'm still in charge" it's a total downer, and something i'm not sure will ever go away? But I already know things got better so... YEA!