Thursday, May 8, 2008

Double the dose

The past 3 days Maddison has stayed consistantly in the 250-300 range. Not budging regardless of correction. Regardless of a 150% basal rate. I finally upped her basal to 200%(double)and today just before bed (of course) we are finally seeing improvement. I have been chasing highs the past 2 weeks and serious highs the last few days....for 3 days the increasing rates has me poking her poor little fingers every hour around the clock. Pink eye finished off what life Maddison's little pancreas had left.

What is even more scary than seeing the same high numbers flash across the meter regardless of trying everything? The now double basal rate!! It freaks me out! I look at the basal pattern that was 2.55 per day and now there's the pattern that reads 5.30 and my heart skips a beat. I must be looking at her pump every hour just to make sure the new amounts are programmed right as each new hour approaches. I just found myself checking the pump AGAIN (I just reviewed it an hour ago!)to make sure I have it programmed the way I planned. It's pretty weird knowing that I am in control of my childs pancreas. I have to keep checking the pump to assure myself I haven't made a mistake. I see the .15 that used to be programmed for 7pm-11pm and it is now replaced with .30 which made my heart skip a beat. I thought I was going to vomit. Upping dosages are scary. Doubling them in just two days is down right terrifying. It makes my stomache turn knowing that if Maddison's new rate is set too high then she will suffer a low. A low because I thought I knew what her little body needed. It could be a really bad low. At night you have to be checking enough to catch it. That means you don't sleep, or you awake every hour or so to test.

This is day three of serious adjustments and I have found myself in zombie mode. My eyes burn with fatigue. My head aches with numbers all jumbled inside. Nothing is making sense, not only on the blood sugar confusion, but from simple sleep deprivation. I stare blankely when spoken to. I can hardly add 2+2 and I'm irritable. My own blood sugar sucks. I'm weepy over the little things and overwhelmed with the simple day to day tasks. This Diabetes really is like having a newborn, only this time it is for life. There will be hundreds more changes like this in the years ahead. For Maddison, and for myself. There will be sick days. Low days. High days, and stable times where we find Diabetes doesn't even seem to live at our house. At times like these you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. You try to stay optimistic but you are just beat- down- tired. Emotionally even more so than physically. Then you see progress and pick yourself back up. And battle again tomorrow. It really is living your life number to number. That is a sad reality.

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