42

42 is exactly why I have the rule "no eating 2hrs before bedtime." When she's sleeping, 42 creeps up without warning. No signs. No symptoms, she doesnt feel low when she's sleeping, she wont wake up. Tonight is a reminder why I need to stick to that rule.

50....with .4 insulin still working from that late night "treat." 15c of juice for the low. Recheck showed a 42. 16 more carbs of chalky glucose tab goodness. My headache just got a little more intense. Now, I wait. Afraid to walk away from her. So, I just watch. I hold her hand and say a silent prayer. Hoping she is rising, not dropping fast.

You never know what you had, until its gone. SLEEP is very missed around here. We have far too many nights of chasing numbers. I miss being able to just crawl into bed at night without thinking...

Maddison- checked. In range? Correction? Juice? Recheck needed before sleep? What time am I re-checking? 1am? 3am? Can't I just sleep until 6am!!??

Me- checked. In range? Correction? Juice? What if I dont wake up if I go low this time?

Man, I miss the good old sleep days!

80, b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l- day

Maddison's sitting at 80....its 11pm and I planned to go to bed. BUMMER. She has .1 active, so it looks like I wait for that half a juice box to kick in. A great opportunity to blog of course. What else would keep me awake when I should be sleeping? :)

This week is Parent-Teacher conferences. Oh my. Our kids go to school for a whole two hours on conference days. Sorry, but I LOVE early release days at school. Not only do I get to stay home from work (because the kids need Mom of course!) but I get to spend the day with my girls! YAY! Actually, I get to spend the day with Maddison. Ms Hannah is 13 now ya know! Hannah is off running wild with her friends on early release days. So, early release days are usually Maddison and Me days. Today we had G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S weather...yes, envy me. Thats why we live in the Valley of the SUN. I NEED SUN. Anyway, after school Maddison and I set out to buy Valentines for the class party tomorrow. Then we met her Dad for lunch, who just happened to be in the area working :) Afterwards we made a quick stop to pick up some birdy goods and we were on our way home to get busy!

First, the Aviary.....


The Aviary is alot of work to keep clean and healthy...but guess what? It seems some of Maddison's Parakeets are in L-O-V-E. Of course they are, just in time for Valentines Day :) Soon, we expect Maddison's Parakeets to lay eggs. Anyone want a baby hand tame, hand raised parakeet to add to their family? (Wendy?) I know you love our zoo.........

Then it was time to weed the garden and do some yard work....did I mention our weather was PERFECT? I LOVE to be outside! Maddison and I had a heavenly day today, we even planted a blue Hibiscus bush in memory of "Grandpa."

Why is it that when Maddison is home with me her numbers are "perfect?" Seriously? Is it all the working outside? Is it freedom from school grumpiness? I dont know if her happiness makes blood sugars fall in place or what. I just know that
B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L days like today keep her numbers right where they should be. Repeat tomorrow. YAY for early release :)

What exactly does that mean?

This article about a T1 girls death is very upsetting. For MANY reasons.... "DID NOT TAKE CARE OF HERSELF" CLICK TO READ THE STORY

So what exactly do people mean when they say someone with Diabetes "didnt take care of themselves" ???? This poor girl was dx'd with Diabetes at a TERRIBLE age for change...age 13. She died at age 26.....Diabetes complications killed her after 13 years? She didnt take care of herself? Meaning what? Was she a terrible carb counter?She ate Cheetos every day? She never brushed her teeth? Never went to the doctor? Didnt TRY to manage her disease? Was she DEPRESSED? She forgot to take her shots? She chose NPH as her treatment instead of newer insulins? What does "did not take care of herself" mean exactly?

She didnt work out every day? She had "brittle" Diabetes and couldn't avoid extremes? She ate french fries? Ice cream? She laid around all day and smoked cigerettes? Did she do drugs? What exactly does her mother mean when she says her daughter didnt take care of herself??!! PLEASE DO EXPLAIN!!

148

Today was a better day, even though both girls were home from school with fevers. I was able to get alot done while they cuddled in bed together all day watching movies. When I get stressed or overwhelmed with life, It seems I always end up cleaning and organizing closets or anything sorting through anything else that has been neglected. I guess thats how I re-focus my feelings. I've realized when I'm lost in my cleaning frenzies I'm actually sorting through alot thats been backed up in my emotions. With all that was sorted and re-organized today, I feel much more at peace today than yesterday!

So, after everything in the house was obsessively cleaned, I started to gather all our medical expenses and reciepts to prepare for the dreaded filing of taxes. ICK! I came across my file of medical records, and of course, I had to go through some of them just out of curiosity. I came across my labs at diagnosis...I've seen it a hundred times before, my A1c was 13%...but this time, I noticed my fasting number was 116. WTH? How does that happen? An A1c of 13% but my fasting number was 116? Is that even possible? I dug a little deeper....I came across an ER visit I had in 2002for kidney stones. I flipped through my lab results. All looked good, except my Glucose read 148H. At 4 o'clock in the morning. WEIRD....that was in 2002, 4 years before I was diagnosed. My blood sugar was 148 at 4am? I'm sure that would be a number reflective of having not eaten since dinner the night before. 148?

Yes, 148 is high. Is it terribly high? Not really, but at 4am thats pretty high for someone without Diabetes. No, they didnt draw an A1c. ER's don't have reason to draw an A1c unless you have Diabetes I guess. Now, I wonder. I'm thinking my onset of Diabetes was very, very long. As in, at LEAST 4 years. From the time I was pregnant with Hannah (I was 19) I had the symptoms of extreme thirst, irritability and fatigue. Did I mention I had "gestational Diabetes" with both girls? Again looking at the lab report from the ER in 2002, I focused on that 148. What was my blood sugar after eating all day? This was back in the days when I did drink regular Coke and eat higher carb loads.....Interesting....scary. Many times at work I used to "feel low" and would have a nurse check my BS. I always came back at around 80. Maybe 80 WAS low for me. Maybe I was used to being in the 150-200 range. Who knows. Of course, now I just wonder. How long did Maddison's Diabetes hurt her before diagnosis? How long did my Dad and I have elevated readings before being diagnosed? Was that part of the reason my Dad ended up with so many complications? Sure, 148 isnt THAT high, but it isnt normal either. I thought I liked 148. I thought 148 was a decent number. Now I'm not so sure.

Maddison was just 465 going to bed. Hannah wants to puke. I've watched her eat and pee all day. Just like I did before Diabetes took over. Diabetes thoughts are haunting me tonight. Hannah had an A1c drawn earlier this year. It was 5.5% which is actually considered something to "watch" per her Pediatrician. I just don't know anymore. I'm tired of the Diabetes fear. I'm tired of seeing all the signs in Hannah. I'm tired of watching and waiting. I'm tired of hearing that this disease takes yet another persons carefree life. I'm tired of thinking how my Dad would be here today, if not for Diabetes. Just tired.

Remembering

Friday as I waited in the school front office to pick up Maddison, I found myself watching each and every child. Remembering. Remembering the easy days. The days when Diabetes wasn't here. The days when we could just do whatever we wanted, without planning first. I watched the kindergarten kids come bounding from their classrooms full of energy and smiles. My heart ached as I realized Maddison was diagnosed at this very same age. But they look so tiny. Tears filled my eyes. I wondered which child would be next. Which child might be diagnosed next?

One little girl caught my eye. She reminded me of Maddison at that tender age of 6. Before diagnosis. I noticed the little girls dark circles under her eyes, and the too thin frame she carries. I wondered, and I worried. What if? Then, the 1st graders emerged from their classes. I watched each child in amazement. Remembering when Maddison was just like them. Remembering when she didnt have this burden to carry. Remembering when riding the bus home wasn't a worry. Remembering when she could go home with a friend after school without a care in the world.

My sister mentioned to me the other day that her baby Sammi has been very thirsty. Wetting through alot more diapers. She's just 18 months old....now, I worry. I remembered back to when Maddison was that age. Ohhhh....how I miss that age. Maddison started with her D symptoms around the age of 2. How was it that she wasn't dx'd until the age of 6? I think in our family we have a very slow and long onset. Maddison started with the meltdowns. The hyper phases. The dark circles. The sleepless nights. It wasn't until the end when thirst and bed wetting set in. Now, I'm remembering. Remembering how it all started.

I want to swoop up my baby niece Sammi and do everything in my power to keep her from this horrid disease. I know I can't....but, I feel that I can. Or, at least maybe I can see it coming and intervene before she gets really sick. She's probably fine....but what if? I'm scared for her. I think if Diabetes takes another child in this family I will lose my mind. Knowing all I know now....knowing what D really is....I'm not sure I could handle hearing another diagnosis. Today, I'm grieving over so many things.

Today was a day I could have just stared at the wall all day and remembered life before. Remember life before Maddison had Diabetes. Then, I realized....I dont even remember ME without Diabetes. Diabetes is just what I do. Diabetes is just ME. I hope that it feels the same for Maddison. Today I thought alot about my Dad's Diabetes battles. I was looking at his pictures remembering his eyes before blindness set in. They were so clear and blue. I remember his garden and how he tended to it every day so happily before Diabetes left him so sick all the time. I remember him working on his old cars all day on the weekends. I remembered how he never sat still. He was always doing something, always doing the things he loved. Until he physically couldnt anymore.

Today I remember how I HATE this disease as a 38 stared back on Maddison's meter. She just wanted to join her friends in the Jacuzzi. 38 reminded me that Diabetes is never very far, even when you just want to have fun. A sad day for me today. My heart is beginning to accept the fact that my Dad really is gone. I'm tearful on and off all day. And then, I remember my mom. My mom is still here, all alone. In a big empty house. Without the man she planned to spend her life with. And then, my heart breaks even more. I can't imagine how she must feel. Tomorrow she returns to work for the first time in 2 months. And then, she will come home from work to that big empty house. Alone. Without my Dad there to smile and hug her tight. I just can't believe it. My heart is so empty. I want to keep my Mom from this pain.

I'm trying to get to bed tonight without a heavy heart. I'm trying to remember the good in life, but right now, life just hurts. I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow....trying to remind myself that time will heal our broken hearts.

Pump setting woes, Grandpa Woes

I realized the other day that Maddison's pump is programmed with the wrong nightime basal rate! You would think after nearly 2 weeks of highs at bedtime I would have checked and found the setting too low. Nope. I never checked. I just corrected the high each night and moved on, preoccupied with so many other things right now. I felt like such a terrible D Mom when I realized it. Damn pump patterns! Maddison is usually set to "Pattern A" during the school week when she requires much more insulin. "Pattern B" was staring back at me when I finally decided to see what the settings were. I feel like such a jerk! Last night though (being switched to the right pattern) she was a perfect 130 going to bed with no insulin left from eating...of course she didnt stay there. 210 was her midnight number. Damn Diabetes!

I skipped my Endo appointment on Monday. I had to. I hadn't been to work in nearly two weeks, I couldnt take the day off for ME. I wouldn't be surprised if my Endo discharges me, even though I always call to cancel. This is the 3rd appointment I've cancelled! TERRIBLE!! I know!! I haven't been in to see her since...last May? YIKES. I'm not worried about my A1c, I need to get back in for my Thyroid. (I have long standing Goiter and multi-nodular complex masses)

A HORRIBLE TERRIBLE THING.....A Co-worker of mine who is around 45yrs old, was just dx'd with some type of Thyroid Cancer.....my heart is BREAKING for her. I feel SICK inside. I can't imagine the road ahead for her. On Monday she came into my office asking about my insulin pump because she was having some kind of pump implanted the next day along with a feeding tube and Chemo/Radiation stent. I just wanted to cry. I did actually, all the way home that day. There is so much illness all around us...after dealing with my Dad in ICU for so many weeks, I just want to hide the more I hear about and see others who are faced with medical issues! My heart aches. I'm stuck in fear mode. Fearing illness is out to get me and my family!

Maddison is having a very hard week. We have a touch of a viral thing in our house. Headache, sore throat. Maddison takes advantage of that every-single-morning. Maddison hates school. Thats no secret. Every morning this week has been pure torture trying to get her out the door. She pleads with me to believe her. She pleads that her throat is on fire and her head is going to burst. (Strep was negative) She cries, SOBS every morning. Its not so much the feeling yucky, as it is her heart is aching. She hates school. But now, her heart is also aching for her Grandpa, which makes going to school even MORE torture for her. Today she refused to get out of the car. Everytime I opened the door, she pulled it closed. Then she climbed into the back of the van and hid. Sobbing. Luckily, the school nurse and the school counselor were on the drop off line duty. The nurse opened the door for Maddison and coaxed her out, while the counselor swooped her up and took her to her office to talk.

The counselor called me shortly after school started today. She had spoken with Maddison a long time about her feelings. Of course, the main thing is that Maddison just doesnt want to be at school. She never does. Add to that a headache, a sore throat and the death of her Grandpa....Maddison's really struggling. (Probably doesnt help that we watched "My Sisters Keeper" last night!!!) And Hannah? Hannah was very close to her Grandpa when she was younger. I know Hannah's heart is troubled, yet she hasn't wanted to talk about it yet. Soon I'm sure she will, when we are all past the denial that is still taking us over. Hannah was able to see my Dad several times when he was in the hospital. The 2nd day after his bypass he told Hannah that he wouldn't die like her other Grandpa had. He told her he would be coming home. Remembering that day breaks my heart. I know my Dad would have made it out of there just fine. If only the ERROR didn't happen.

The more I think about my kids being without a Grandpa, the more it hurts my heart. Knowing that my kids understand what happened in that hospital, makes me sick. I'm sure it scares them. I hate to think that my Dads Diabetes scares Maddison. As much as we talk about it, I'm sure Maddison understands that WE will be okay. We have insulin pumps. But does she really feel safe from this disease? Is all this Grandpa stuff playing into her sadness when she is sent off to school? Maybe its not. Maybe this is just her normal "hatred" of school. I just wish I knew.

The A1c lies

It killed me this morning to send Maddison off to her Endo appointment without me. I had to go work, and Josh has Tuesdays off, so he was the lucky one! I honestly enjoy Maddison's Endo appointments. So far anyway. I must be the only weirdo parent in this world that looks forward to seeing my "report card" from the Endo. Actually, I dont look forward to the "report card," I look forward to seeing our Awesome Endo herself! She always has a way of making me feel like I'm a super D Mom!

We all know how an A1c number feels. We hate them. We despise them. We want to either cry when we hear them, or cheer for joy. Some people say they don't pay much attention to them. Some people say the A1c is "JUST A NUMBER." We all KNOW the A1c IS just a number, but we still FEEL them. I dont care who you are, I know you still feel something when you hear what that A1c is!

Today, I feel finger poke A1c's are big-fat-liars! Maddison's numbers have been all over the place. We havent had many lows, highs are the problem this time around. We aren't checking any less, and we aren't checking any more often than usual. Yet Maddison's A1c came back at 7.0%....better than its been in two years! That can't be! I haven't even micro managed her numbers like I used to!

Totally wrong! I know it! That A1c is wrong! I prepared myself for an A1c of around 7.8% according to her meter average, which always seems to be close to her actual
A1c. There is just no way that 7.0% is accurate. Maddie's A1c today should have been one of her highest ever, being that I havent kept on top of her numbers AT ALL since my Dad has been sick. ACK! Now I will never trust finger poke A1'c again! Why is it that when you drive yourself bonkers micromanaging numbers the A1c ends up higher than when you dont give the extra effort at all!!??

Oh well. I know Maddison's A1c came back wrong today. It doesn't matter what her A1c number is, as long as we are staying on top of her Diabetes. And, we are. Us Moms always are, no matter what the number says!