Double the dose

The past 3 days Maddison has stayed consistantly in the 250-300 range. Not budging regardless of correction. Regardless of a 150% basal rate. I finally upped her basal to 200%(double)and today just before bed (of course) we are finally seeing improvement. I have been chasing highs the past 2 weeks and serious highs the last few days....for 3 days the increasing rates has me poking her poor little fingers every hour around the clock. Pink eye finished off what life Maddison's little pancreas had left.

What is even more scary than seeing the same high numbers flash across the meter regardless of trying everything? The now double basal rate!! It freaks me out! I look at the basal pattern that was 2.55 per day and now there's the pattern that reads 5.30 and my heart skips a beat. I must be looking at her pump every hour just to make sure the new amounts are programmed right as each new hour approaches. I just found myself checking the pump AGAIN (I just reviewed it an hour ago!)to make sure I have it programmed the way I planned. It's pretty weird knowing that I am in control of my childs pancreas. I have to keep checking the pump to assure myself I haven't made a mistake. I see the .15 that used to be programmed for 7pm-11pm and it is now replaced with .30 which made my heart skip a beat. I thought I was going to vomit. Upping dosages are scary. Doubling them in just two days is down right terrifying. It makes my stomache turn knowing that if Maddison's new rate is set too high then she will suffer a low. A low because I thought I knew what her little body needed. It could be a really bad low. At night you have to be checking enough to catch it. That means you don't sleep, or you awake every hour or so to test.

This is day three of serious adjustments and I have found myself in zombie mode. My eyes burn with fatigue. My head aches with numbers all jumbled inside. Nothing is making sense, not only on the blood sugar confusion, but from simple sleep deprivation. I stare blankely when spoken to. I can hardly add 2+2 and I'm irritable. My own blood sugar sucks. I'm weepy over the little things and overwhelmed with the simple day to day tasks. This Diabetes really is like having a newborn, only this time it is for life. There will be hundreds more changes like this in the years ahead. For Maddison, and for myself. There will be sick days. Low days. High days, and stable times where we find Diabetes doesn't even seem to live at our house. At times like these you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. You try to stay optimistic but you are just beat- down- tired. Emotionally even more so than physically. Then you see progress and pick yourself back up. And battle again tomorrow. It really is living your life number to number. That is a sad reality.

Highs for all!!

Maddison is running very high (200-280's) since pink eye last week. She has yet to hit even mid 100 range. I am running high, who the hell knows why. I thought about bad insulin. Changed Maddison's site that left her screaming in pain the day before. She dropped to 101 at one point around midnight last night. Then up, up, up!!

I was watching for basal's that need to be adjusted so I didn't correct until she hit 240 at 3am. So for the record, she was checked at 11pm, midnight, 2am, 3am, 430am and 630am. I was literally falling asleep on the way to work with my own crappy blood sugar at 170!!! What the hell?! Thats even after 3 miles on the treadmill this morning! I suppose it didnt help that the time on my alarm clock said 5am when I got up......I made my coffee, bolused for half to jump on the treadmill, looked at the clock (the kitchen clock) and it was really only 4am!!! GOSH DANG IT! So, I drank my coffee (because I had to) and went back to bed for an hour. No wonder I feel like crap. I never have these kind of numbers and it is really darkening my outlook on things these days! I hate feeling this way. I feel so confused, angry, CONTROLLED, intimidated. It really sucks. I haven't felt this way in a long time.

I am seeing some serious basal changes coming our way, perhaps for us both at the same time! The problem is there is only 2weeks of school left. Just when I get them set right school will end and everything will change. May is going to be a bitch of a month, I can already tell. Where did my optimism go by the way? Even worse, my Endo Appointment is on the 16th and now my awaiting A1c must be all screwed up from running higher!! I haven't logged my numbers -ever- because I have never needed to, (my last A1c was 6.2!!) and I am sure my control freak Endo is going to chew me out for not faxing my numbers as required each month. GREAT. I might flip out on her if she nags at me this time. This is not the time to listen to her trying to give ME advice. I think I need some time away from this disease x's 2. Hmm, not gonna happen.

I called the school nurse this morning to see if Maddison came in FINALLY at a better number.....NOPE! 297. Yesterday she came in at 328!!! She came home at 242!! WHAT!? The nurse just called.....Maddison is now 321 going into lunch!! AHHHHHH......I am going to pick her up instead of having them chase these numbers all day. I will make some adjustments NOW! This makes me realize how good we had it for a few months there. I would rather myself be that high than her. I'm about to pass out and fall asleep in the 170's and she is running around playing and smiling at 300!! Our kids are amazing. Now where do I start adjusting now?

Add another cousin to the list

Today our cousin was diagnosed with Type 1 at the age of 33. I promised to always remember the heart ache of that day so as not to minimize the shock and emotions when someone new is diagnosed. It turns your world upside down. After 2 years of living with my Diabetes it is just there, a part of what I do every day. It is habit and routine. Totally accepted, I just do what I have to do. I don't think I will ever get to that point with Maddison's Diabetes. Is that possible with a child?

I never thought I would be sitting here thinking it is "no big deal" to be diagnosed with Diabetes. Don't get me wrong, it is a huge deal...but for some reason when it is an adult I don't really feel the same emotions about it. I remember how I felt, and I know it is likely every person will go through those emotions too. When it is a child though, my heart skips a beat and tears come to my eyes, each and every time. It sends me into a sadness for awhile that I just can't shake. I guess I would say to a newly diagnosed adult that although your heart breaks and you are consumed with fear and grief, it is important that you educate yourself and you will be fine! I would NEVER say that to a parent with a newly diagnosed child. Why? Because Diabetes in a child is heartbreaking. It consumes so much of your life, because every day is changing. You all know how I feel about this.

Maddison summed it up perfectly today when she heard the sad news and said "Well at least it isn't cancer!" She must have heard me talk about how people say that when they dont know what else to say. But, she reminded me today that we are lucky. Even though I am battling her highs after pink eye and my PMS roller coaster, we are here and healthy. Leave it to your 7yr old to put your life back into perspective. :)

Home Again

Last night Maddison had a goopy eye, red......inevitable pink eye was to greet us this morning. I actually got out of bed at my scheduled time of 5am this morning to fit in my 3 mile run and weight routine. I haven't been able to get out of bed on time lately! Too bad my blood sugar was 48!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have never had a number this low greet me in the morning. Never, ever. So I had my juice and crawled back into bed figuring this wasn't the best way to start a work out. Weird number, no reason. I better play it safe. I was unusually high 160's all day yesterday which was weird too. So much for starting my day as I planned! That is really irritating. Maddison was 88 with her little eye swollen shut eye. Damn it. Josh just got to bed at 5am when I woke up, so now I have to take the day off-AGAIN.

I took Maddison to the closest urgent care which was actually a very nice place. Very nice Doctor. Pink eye confirmed, there goes another $100 to medical bills and a prescription! I'm actually feeling quite crappy with a sore throat, ear pain and a headache. I am sure the headache is from the low this morning, who knows how long I was in the 40's. Two hours after my morning coffee I was 267!!!!!!!!! WTF? I never hit over 200, so looks like something is screwing with me. That's just great. I had to call in sick AGAIN for the 3rd time this month. I feel like crap and my house is a mess. Maddison is asking to take the dogs for a walk and is already bored at noon. She wants to be entertained apparently. Sorry girly, not today. Wouldn't that just be great if I end up sick and have to stay home more this month? I am planning to start giving copies of our Dr visits and Urgent care visits to my work to cover my ass. My rollercoaster blood sugar is just beginning today I fear. I can feel it already. I'm tired of feeling guilty for things such as missing work which I really can't control. Enough, I am being a total bummer, AGAIN. I think I need a nap!

1 in 300

Today Maddison had a school music concert to share with parents and family. It was so cute listening to all those little voices singing together. For some reason though, every time I attend a school function with the kids on stage as a group I end up being teary eyed and crying afterwards. It isn't the normal emotions of seeing your child on stage and being proud. I look at all those little faces and wonder why Maddison was the 1 in 300 children that are diagnosed with Diabetes each year. I see all those little eyes so happy and full of life, and I know she blends right in. But she IS that 1 in 300 and it hurts my heart. She looks the same as all the other kids but silently carries a difference. I look at each child and remember when Maddison was just like them without all this weight on her shoulders. (or is that my shoulders?) It makes me miss the simplicity we once had, the carefree life that those children have, we have no more. I worry about each and every one of those children and wonder who is the next 1 in the crowd of 300. It scares me for each and every one of them. I never thought anything like Diabetes could steal my ability to just enjoy seeing my child grow up, but some days like today it has.

Why can't I just enjoy the concert without a whirlwind of emotion inside? That makes me feel cheated. I sit there wondering the "whys" and remembering Maddison's first concert after diagnosis. I came home and cried alot that night with all these same thoughts going through my mind as I watched all the other kids around her. I couldn't get over all those cute smiling faces, then seeing Maddison looking frail and tired in comparison. Yet nobody else knew that this one little girl in a crowd of 300 children had just been diagnosed with a screwed up disease. She was just another little girl in a crowd of kids, but my heart was broken knowing she was the child up on that stage that was now "different." Back then she still didn't know what low felt like and I was a nervous wreck fearing she would pass out on stage in front of hundreds of people. I literally sat on the edge of my seat with my heart racing. I would wonder why any child has any disease? Then I would feel guilty for feeling so bad about Diabetes when some moms didn't get to bring their sick child home from the hospital. I knew we were fortunate to have a manageable disease and I knew in my mind that this was "just Diabetes" but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Even today I look at Maddison on stage and wonder if she is low. Is she high? Would she stop the performance if she needed to treat a low? Apparently the answer is no, as I learned today. Maddison was looking a bit pale, and I figured she must be low. I was pondering if I should get up and call her off stage. Should I just slip her some juice in front if everyone or call her away? I really didn't want to have to do that. I was hoping she would reach into her pocket for a glucose tablet she has tucked away if needed. She didn't, and I grew more and more anxious as I watched the clock and watched her looking around trying to find me again. When the kids were done singing I quickly rushed to ask Maddison if she was low, and she said "Yes, or I might just be nervous" and she was 62. -Sigh-

Just when I thought I had alot of the emotions of Diabetes tucked away, a concert like today's brought so much back up. I should have been able to just enjoy the damn concert without a thought or concern in my mind. It brought back alot of questioning life in general. Questioning myself in coping with a chronic disease. Shouldn't I just see Maddison on stage and be happy? Why do I see her as any different when she is in a crowd of other children? Why does that make me so sad? Shouldn't I have moved on from these emotions by now? I guess the emotional side is just a big circle that never ends with great days, better days, really bad days and days that you just live life without a "D" thought. Those days are great. Today wasn't that day that I would have liked it to be. It was a day that Diabetes took over my mind. Tomorrow I hope Diabetes emotions leave me alone. Most days lately it does, but all it takes is one of these emotional days to drag me down for awhile. The funny thing is I always get back up! So does everyone else in life of course, day after day after day. Wow, we have a long road ahead. I had better work on my coping skills!

Weather changes =insulin changes

Yep, add weather to the list of what changes Diabetes. Not only our long summer in AZ bringing long days in the pool, but the heat itself causes changes in insulin requirements. Maddison had way too many lows on Saturday. I thought it was excitement from a fun filled day. Sunday she had a few lows too. Monday after school she had another low. So we changed her ratio in the afternoon since changing her basal never works during the day. That should do it! I HOPE.

I have hoovered around 70-110 the past week. So, I am not feeling my lows right now until the 40's. I have had 8 hypo's in the last 4 days! YUCK! So this morning for work I put on my medical alert bracelet just in case. I have been a good girl and hit the workout at least 3 days a week, causing the GREAT blood sugars, but alot of lows until I get things figured out. You just can't win I guess. Otherwise we are doing good, feeling great! That's about it for now, nothing interesting to post. Nothing upsetting, nothing I am pondering these days. Just Diabetes in the back seat in life where it should always be!

6.8%

Maddison's A1c today came in at 6.8%!! Yeah! I figured it had gone up a bit from the last, but 6.8% is still f-a-b-u-l-o-u-s!!! Of course the nurse mentioned that 6.8% is on the "low" side of where they want most kids to be. (Our Endo shoots for 7-8%)But, she said since we have good "control" then they are fine with it, which makes me wonder why they think we have good control? They don't download meters or pumps anymore so how would they know if Maddison's A1c is based around alot of lows? Well, it isn't anyway, but it still got the wheels turning inside my mind. I guess you always think an A1c is never good enough. Too high, too low. It made me wonder if maybe she is having too many undetected lows, even though I know she isn't! God I hate the doubt that this disease inflicts upon us! Her A1c is in line perfectly with what her meter averages so I am sure she isn't having too many lows but my mind tells me to make sure! Every few days she has some lows, certainly not every day and they are typically 70's and 60's, nothing lower or scary.

We have been sitting very well at night, but I still would like to stop checking her blood sugar 12 times a day which is our average right now. I think that is just way too much. Do we have a great A1c because Diabetes is running our life? Are we working too hard on numbers? I don't personally think you can ever work too hard for good numbers. I don't work all that hard to get good results (right now anyway) we just seem to be at a good place. The hard work comes just from it being so damn constant!! Our typical finger pokes for Maddison are:

5am when mom wakes up

(sometimes again at 6:30 am if the 5am was corrected for a high, which isn't likely)

915am at school before recess

1045am before lunch

1230pm after PE only on PE days twice a week

215pm when she gets home for a snack

5pm before dinner

8pm before bed

check again while she is sleeping if there is active insulin from a snack before bed

You have to recheck anytime she was too high or too low going to bed

3am ALWAYS

**gotta check if she feels low. If she is low you have to give carbs and then re-check. If she is STILL low, give more carbs and RECHECK AGAIN! Gotta check if she is angry or grumpy. Gotta check if her tummy hurts, head hurts or she is tired. Gotta check before or after swimming. Gotta check before a walk.*** You get it!

I really do shoot for just checking Maddison about 8 times a day. Life happens. I talked to the Doctor about this today and she assures me to just keep doing what we are doing. I know, I know, I know! I feel guilty for our A1c because I think doing this well means I am working too hard at it! Too many finger pokes, too many hours of sleep lost. Too many "you have to wait 15min to eat that Maddison" too many thoughts and lost energy on Diabetes management. I guess Diabetes never just lets you feel good about how you are managing, even with a really good A1c. I still feel like it isn't good enough, not that I want it to be lower, but now I worry that Diabetes takes too much of our every day to get there.