Today Maddison had a school music concert to share with parents and family. It was so cute listening to all those little voices singing together. For some reason though, every time I attend a school function with the kids on stage as a group I end up being teary eyed and crying afterwards. It isn't the normal emotions of seeing your child on stage and being proud. I look at all those little faces and wonder why Maddison was the 1 in 300 children that are diagnosed with Diabetes each year. I see all those little eyes so happy and full of life, and I know she blends right in. But she IS that 1 in 300 and it hurts my heart. She looks the same as all the other kids but silently carries a difference. I look at each child and remember when Maddison was just like them without all this weight on her shoulders. (or is that my shoulders?) It makes me miss the simplicity we once had, the carefree life that those children have, we have no more. I worry about each and every one of those children and wonder who is the next 1 in the crowd of 300. It scares me for each and every one of them. I never thought anything like Diabetes could steal my ability to just enjoy seeing my child grow up, but some days like today it has.
Why can't I just enjoy the concert without a whirlwind of emotion inside? That makes me feel cheated. I sit there wondering the "whys" and remembering Maddison's first concert after diagnosis. I came home and cried alot that night with all these same thoughts going through my mind as I watched all the other kids around her. I couldn't get over all those cute smiling faces, then seeing Maddison looking frail and tired in comparison. Yet nobody else knew that this one little girl in a crowd of 300 children had just been diagnosed with a screwed up disease. She was just another little girl in a crowd of kids, but my heart was broken knowing she was the child up on that stage that was now "different." Back then she still didn't know what low felt like and I was a nervous wreck fearing she would pass out on stage in front of hundreds of people. I literally sat on the edge of my seat with my heart racing. I would wonder why any child has any disease? Then I would feel guilty for feeling so bad about Diabetes when some moms didn't get to bring their sick child home from the hospital. I knew we were fortunate to have a manageable disease and I knew in my mind that this was "just Diabetes" but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
Even today I look at Maddison on stage and wonder if she is low. Is she high? Would she stop the performance if she needed to treat a low? Apparently the answer is no, as I learned today. Maddison was looking a bit pale, and I figured she must be low. I was pondering if I should get up and call her off stage. Should I just slip her some juice in front if everyone or call her away? I really didn't want to have to do that. I was hoping she would reach into her pocket for a glucose tablet she has tucked away if needed. She didn't, and I grew more and more anxious as I watched the clock and watched her looking around trying to find me again. When the kids were done singing I quickly rushed to ask Maddison if she was low, and she said "Yes, or I might just be nervous" and she was 62. -Sigh-
Just when I thought I had alot of the emotions of Diabetes tucked away, a concert like today's brought so much back up. I should have been able to just enjoy the damn concert without a thought or concern in my mind. It brought back alot of questioning life in general. Questioning myself in coping with a chronic disease. Shouldn't I just see Maddison on stage and be happy? Why do I see her as any different when she is in a crowd of other children? Why does that make me so sad? Shouldn't I have moved on from these emotions by now? I guess the emotional side is just a big circle that never ends with great days, better days, really bad days and days that you just live life without a "D" thought. Those days are great. Today wasn't that day that I would have liked it to be. It was a day that Diabetes took over my mind. Tomorrow I hope Diabetes emotions leave me alone. Most days lately it does, but all it takes is one of these emotional days to drag me down for awhile. The funny thing is I always get back up! So does everyone else in life of course, day after day after day. Wow, we have a long road ahead. I had better work on my coping skills!
Moving my blog again
8 years ago