Thursday, August 14, 2008

Days 3 and 4....I don't want to do this anymore!

Day 3 and 4 for Maddison at school has been great. No more crying or complaining. I am happy she has decided to make the best of her day as I suggested. Today she even left the house happily, smiles and silliness just as I know my Maddison.

Despite how happy and releaved that makes me, this blog is quickly going to turn angry, so this is my warning. If you are tired of hearing me complain, this isn't the blog to read. Maddison still ran high all morning on days 3 and 4. I adjusted a morning basal starting today and was eager and waiting to hear of a much better result from the school nurse this morning. Not so. Let me explain why.

Before my 6am walk Maddison was sleeping at a great 101. Breakfast is at 7am and she is 103. Good basal rate! Um, no. 5 minutes after starting to eat her breakfast she said she feels low. She is 53 and was already dosed with her 3.9 units for food that hasn't made it in her tummy yet. So, after her 8c of glucose tabs to stop the low and her breakfast now eaten, she says she is dropping fast. So, 8 more carbs. Always trust her feelings. Normally I would give more insulin for some of the carbs it took to get her in range because the food will eventually catch up, and then she will be too high later. I chose not to today and really thought I made the right decision considering the circumstances. She left the house at 158 an hour later. Good decision I thought!

9:30am time to call the nurse for the new morning adjustment result. 320. Great job mom! You ***cked up Maddison's morning! I guess I should have dosed the carbs back that treated the low! I knew breakfast would catch up! But, for today I made a bad decision. Now I sit here at work feeling entirely horrible that Maddison is feeling crappy at school. I wanted TODAY to be the day that I saw progress on morning numbers. Not tomorrow or next week. I'm so done with back to school adjusting. I really, really don't want to do this anymore! I am so frustrated beyond belief. And you know what is worse? Every single kid and parent with Diabetes goes through this all the time! Especially for back to school! THIS is Diabetes. Us moms have all been chatting online about our back to school craziness. It makes me so angry that our kids have to go through this! You have to manage changes for Summer, for vacations, holidays, growing, sickness...or just because the damn moon is tilted to the left......Why does it have to be so constantly changing? Why can't we just take our frickin' insulin and have it work the same every time? Why can't it just work the same for every time of the day and every food we eat?

I'm sorry, but today I just feel like I can't do this anymore! I'm tired of being frustrated. I'm tired of three "good" days that give me pure happiness only to be kicked down by 5 days of hitting the 200's somewhere. I'm tired of being tired. Despite my best efforts and constant diligence things still aren't right! I am tired of having to wake up every two hours at night to make sure my child is safe. I'm tired of foods that cause crazy numbers when my 7yr old just wants to eat some damn ice cream like everybody else. I'm tired of poking her little scarred fingers 15times a day. I'm tired of inflicting lows by trying to defeat the highs. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of stabbing a huge needle into her tiny body every three days to keep her alive. I'm tired of it all! Can I just have one "good" month of numbers for Maddison? One straight month?! With one month I could recover from my anger and actually feel good about managing this disease again, I really would. Can't we just get a break?

Honestly, as I re-read what I just typed I realize I don't really feel as frustrated as it sounds in the written word. You know why? Because somehow you get used to this type of frustration every day. It is actually "normal" feelings in my life now, a part of this Diabetes game. It is entirely frustrating, but it is also something we have learned to "cope" with. Some times like at this moment it comes raging out, and then we move on. Because we have to.

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