Day 2 so far

Dad is currently 42 hours post surgery, we have already been warned that this is the hardest day. Lots of pushing him to breathe. To eat. To cough. Dad did GREAT overnight, except he was quite vulgar and angry with his male nurse. The first thing he said to me this morning was "That nurse is so mean to me, please stay with me, dont leave." I asked Dad why the nurse was so mean, and he said because "I was mean to him." I told him that this is a new day, with a new nurse. I told him they understand the anger and frustration. Move forward, only think of himself and don't worry about anyone else.

Dads talking alot today. Everything he says is heartbreaking. He is pleading in pain, and telling me how bad he feels. Then he apologized for "releasing his sorrows on me." All I could do was tell him thats why I'm here. He says he doesnt remember yesterday. Thats good. I hope he never remembers today either. He has already been up to walk today and walked alot! He is coughing strongly. Breathing well. All vitals are remarkable. Every time I tell him how good things are going his eyes light up and he says "Wow"

My mom, sisters and I finally slept decently the first time last night. We feel refreshed and more able to stay strong. Praying Dad does too.

OH....let me mention...... The Diabetes police hit me at the wrong moment this morning. They really shouldnt say anything when I'm in this emotional state....The girls are here at the hospital with me today..... They just hang out in the waiting area with us so I can still be here. I took the girls to the cafeteria first thing this morning. They got bacon, eggs, milk, apples and a donut. Paying in line, the cashier saw my JDRF shirt and asked if I work for them. I said "No, my daughter, Dad and I all have Type 1".....I COULDNT BELIEVE THE NERVE OF THE RN BEHIND ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID!!!!!!!!???????She said "WHO ARE THE DONUTS FOR THEN?"

I spun around and gave the most evil look. I think I even grew horns for a moment. I couldnt help it. It was a reaction gone bad. I'm so ashamed of myself for the way I responded, but I'm stressed out here people!! I said "FUCK YOU LADY, you have no right to speak one word about the food ANYONE eats." How terrible is that? I guess I really am an emotional basket case! I felt like such a loser! I rambled on as everyone stared at me. I felt like the scum of the earth at the moment. I went on saying we dont eat donuts everyday, I showed her my pump, asked her if she knew anything about Type 1 Diabetes, told her all kinds of stuff. I dont really remember half of what I said, but I know it wasn't nice. I was the freaky person losing it in the cafeteria today. Man, how embarrassing. Stress does funny things to you!

Never prepared

I guess you can never prepare yourself enough for seeing someone after such a major surgery. Today is the hardest day. Once the anesthesia wears off, its back to consciousness and the pain (misery really)begins. I was mentally prepared, but my heart just wasn't.

Last night seeing Dad for the first time was nothing compared to this morning. There's even more tubes. He's moaning. He's pleading for morphine. I dont know how they do it, or even expect it, but it was time to get Dad up to walk a few steps. He's totally out of it, he doesn't even seem like he's there, but he HAS to take some steps. He kept mumbling "this is torture" through his skraggled breaths. In and out of the morphine craziness. This man's strength is incredible. I keep telling him that. His nurse is amazed with how well his vitals have been staying consistent. He sat up "better than most" at the edge of his bed, but refused to stand and take steps. Then his silliness kicked back in, even with all his suffering! He told the nurses "There I took 10 steps" and said "done." :) Thats the best news ever.

I can't stop praying for Dad to remain complication free. Praying for his comfort and strength to push forward. I feel so terribly, entirely, horribly, bad for what he is going through. One minute at a time right now.

The nurse just came out to the waiting area and said Dads ABG is off, his PH is dropping. Hemodialysis is also about to start. He is being placed on an apnea machine. This rollercoaster of ups and downs is so scary. So draining.

15 hours

After 15 hours at the hospital today, I'm home. I didnt want to leave, I still want to go back. I'm addicted to blogging at the moment, because I feel so relieved afterwards. I have to get a few more things out before I can go to bed for the night...

Immediately after the surgeon came out to talk with us, my Mom burst into a weeping cry. She had her moment. I hugged her tight and she smiled the brightest sigh of relief you could ever imagine. I was so happy she finally had her release of pent up emotions.

It was two long hours before we could see my Dad after surgery. My mom and sister went in first, I was trying to gain my composure. I just couldnt do it. I knew exactly what to expect and I just couldn't face it just yet. I needed to breathe. I didnt want to see the tubes, and I was a mess inside knowing Dads neck would once again have a Dialysis catheter protruding. My Mom returned saying that Dad was was shaking his head "no" in an uncontrolled motion. Back and forth, back and forth. I wanted to vomit as I pictured that in my mind. Somehow, I found the courage to go hold my Dads hand.

I thought this would be my moment. I thought I would melt down. But, I didnt. My heart felt like it was non existent. I'm still wondering whats wrong with me. Why can't I just let out all this sadness and fear I have inside? I paused for a moment at the door when I saw Dad shaking his head back and forth. What a terrible thing. Is he telling us something? Then his nurse smiled when our eyes met. I think I love my Dads nurse. She scooped me up and answered my every question. Dads vitals have been VERY GOOD she says. His blood sugar is stable at 120. He had some atypical bleeding that is now controlled. She assured me he is doing amazingly well. I really do love her. She was so informative. She made sure I knew the Kidney doctor was again consulted about his Dialysis. Dad stopped shaking his head as I rubbed his shoulder and talked to him. He was completely out of it. He wasn't there. And I didnt cry. Because I know his nurse is awesome.

From worry of making it through surgery...to this. The most critical days lie ahead. I'm scared to death of complications. Complications is what I have feared most. I feel lifted up in prayer, and I will sleep better tonight because of it. I've lost some faith along the way in the past few years, but tonight, I know. I know the power of prayer is with us.......

Quintuple

For those not on facebook, the surgeon just came out and updated the surgery went well. A quintuple bypass. Heart function is doing well. Words could never express the gratitude for everyone's prayers and concerns. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! Please continue to pray that Dad stays free of complications and recovery goes well. We aren't in the clear yet. A long road ahead. I LOVE you guys! Thank you so much Wendy for being there and listening to my crazy text messages in all my distress!

Waiting

55 minutes down. So many hours to go. I knew my time would come. An hour before Dads surgery time I started to pace. I knew they were coming for him soon. I felt hot. Maybe low. Nope. I was 167. Too much coffee? Nope. Just reality setting in, a moment of weakness. Then came the nurses from the O.R to take my Dad up. And then, it hit me.

That lump in your throat. The burning of your eyes. I wanted to lock myself inside the bathroom and weep. Dad was still joking with his nurses. He does that when he doesn't know what else to do. As we followed him down the hall to the O.R he made me laugh. He always does that. He asked the nurses "Is this the time I'm supposed to freak out?" All I could do was laugh. Thank you Dad, for always easing my fears. My pain. My frustrations. Thank you for filling my life with laughter. It was then that peace was with me again. The tears ceased, and all my pent up anxiety was lifted as if magically. All from one of Dad's little jokes.

I think the clock has stopped. Surgery just started an hour ago. I keep wondering whats happening in that O.R, I need to turn the wonder off. I think I have been praying for the last 48 hours straight in between conversations. How do we make it through these hours of waiting? I've never been so scared in my life.

Dad will need to go back to Hemodialysis (instead of peritoneal) during his first few days of recovery. At first he resisted. He refused. He wanted us to continue Dialysis the way he has been doing it the past 7 years. He didnt want the surgical placement of the dialysis site in his neck again. He suffered tremendously while on Hemodialysis that first year. He was so weak he couldnt stand well, and he dropped about 15lbs from his already tiny 160lb frame. He changed his mind with a little more understanding that this would only be temporary. Thank goodness.

I can't say this enough.....I just dont get the lack of Type 1 knowledge on the nursing floor. Todays insulin mishap had me steaming. Dad took his NPH yesterday at noon. Surgery was moved back to 2pm, so they didnt plan on giving him his NPH shot before surgery because he was 160ish. Ummmmmm......????????? Two hours without any insulin is his body? He can't go from noon to 2 without insulin! By 11am The NPH had already started to wear off, his BS hit the 250's. Then they took a wild guess and wanted to give 10 units of Novolog for the high. I dont know what the right answer was. But no insulin for two hours?

Back to feeling numb now. I know that will end the instant I see my Dad post op.....

8am

Tomorrow morning at 8am my Dad is scheduled for surgery. My mom is a mess. My sisters are a mess, and I'm still emotionless. For a few moments today I began to feel the shocking pains in my heart as I sat alone in the dark hospital room watching my Dad drift off to sleep after a brutal low blood sugar. Only for a moment. Then the emotions ended as quickly as they started. WEIRD.

Dad was overdosed on his NPH insulin this morning, on top of already trending low for days. Then they bolused him 6 units of Novolog after breakfast for a 214 blood sugar. (that would have come down on its own) At barely 160lbs, 6 units of Novolog was WAY too much for my Dad. We couldnt get him out of the 50's all day. Being on Dialysis Dad isn't supposed to drink much fluids so juice cant be used for lows. So, we used all the glucose tabs I had stashed in my purse. Have you ever eaten glucose tabs until you want to barf? As if his condition isnt bad enough without lows beating him down. I could totally understand how he was feeling right then. It was painful to watch. Did I mention they only check his sugar once a day? Him and I have been chasing these lows ourselves. Talk about feeling alone. I just dont get why the nurses dont follow blood sugars! All I keep thinking is, lows and surgery don't mix. Neither does an insulin drip during surgery when you have been low for days. Thank goodness for D5 I guess. I just hope they keep his blood sugar safe. I know thats the least of our worries, but its just an added stressor considering I'm a pancreas for two 24/7/365.

They had us watch education video's tonight about the surgery. What to expect, how the procedure goes, recovery....all that. It wasn't such a good idea for my Mom. By the time I left tonight Dad was a nervous mess (worried about his BS mostly) and Mom was even worse. And here I am, emotionless. Thats a scary feeling.

This is a major surgery for anyone. My Dad is considered high risk above all that. Thats the scariest part. Its not like he is just a CHF/CAD patient going in for this. He is a Diabetic with long standing complications and a Dialysis patient. His circulation is poor. He doesnt heal well. I could on and on. Despite all that, I'm very optimistic. His surgeon is one of the top in the United States they say. I have full confidence in him. I got to speak with him again tonight about the veins they will take from his legs to graph the heart vessels. The doppler earlier today looked good, and they plan to remove at least 6 veins for the surgery. Hearing that was a bit shocking. I just can't imagine. I just can't grasp the fact that they do these things every day. Healthcare today is miraculous. I know my Dad is in good hands. Telling my heart that is a different story.

Tomorrow will probably be the longest, most emotional day of my life. I might even have Josh take over blood sugars checks tonight so I can sleep a straight 8 hours. I'm off to bed. Thanks to everyone who's comments keep me focused and confident that my Dad will be okay. Keep the prayers coming. We need them more now than ever.

Not sure what to say

I'm not sure what to say right now. Just the basics I guess.

Tuesday my Dad started feeling terrible. "Heart burn" with problems swallowing. Shortness of breath. Weakness. Fatigue. Low blood sugars. He changed his mind. He decided he should have had the open heart surgery. I knew he would after resting at home awhile. A few days past, he still felt terrible. He didn't want to "ruin" Christmas by going back into the hospital. So he suffered through. Tonight we took him to the ER after calling his Cardiologist and giving him the scoop. Dad was admitted right away for CAD and low potassium. Surgery is likely on Tuesday.

I have no emotions, but my Dad sure does. He seems very scared for the first time ever in his life. He hugs a little tighter. He tries a little harder to smile. But I can see deeper. I know the fear inside of him. I can only imagine, yet I feel it just the same. I don't know what to think about this major surgery. I'm hopeful. So entirely hopeful, with every ounce of my being. I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm angry and tired of watching my Dad live this crazy life because of Diabetes. I have alot of blame right now, I can't even feel it, but I know it's there. I dont even know if that makes sense. I blame Diabetes for inflicting all this on my Dad for so many years. Without Diabetes, my Dad would be the healthy and active 64 year old man that he should be. But he isnt. And that makes me angry. Every little finger poke to Maddison's tiny fingers means so much more lately. Its not just a finger poke. It's Diabetes. And I hate Diabetes so much right now.

Please pray for my Dad. Please pray that he is strong enough to make it through surgery and give yet another fighting chance. Please pray that he recovers without complications. And don't forget to pray for a cure.