Monday, February 28, 2011


I got a call from my GYN today.....all my labs result are back, and they are all within normal limits. Even my Cervical Biopsy :) Now I just wait for Consult with the right Surgeon. My GYN expects the Surgeon (Pelvic Specialist) will need to do a Laparotomy which will REALLY suck in comparison to the typical Hysterectomy. Now that I know my labs are all fine (I swore the CA125 was going to be BAD news) maybe I can actually sleep tonight. I think I stared at the ceiling for a straight 6 hours last night in between Maddie's night checks. My over active mind just wouldnt sleep!

So the questions begin.....How the hell am I supposed to spend 3-5 days in the hospital when I have two kids (and a home) that need me, and a Husband who can't (financially) afford to take time off? Which brings me to realize, I will need about three weeks off work to recover ((no pay for me either)) yet the Hospital bills will pour in regardless of our ability to pay them. We pay 20% of InPatient hospitalization.... That 20% doesn't include our percentage for labwork done during my stay either. It also doesnt include the 20% of Physician Services (the fee each Specialist will bill every time they see you during your stay) and it doesnt include Xrays, MRI's, CT scans or other procedures. etc. Basically we will have medical bills from the Anesthesiologist, Pathologist, Surgeon, Hospitalist, GYN, Endocrinologist, and anyone else I may have to see. Our insurance coverage is pretty much as shitty as Medicare. Josh really just cant take more than a day or two off work. Laparotomy? There goes my mid section! Ewwwwwww.....

What are my blood sugars going to do when my Ovaries are ripped out? Is that going to freak out my Thyroid again? Who is going to manage my numbers when I cant? (Im still in denial that someone else will be in control) Do I go back onto Lantus? If I divide my current 6.90 units of basal by 24hrs to get my Lantus dose, thats only around 3 units! SERIOUSLY? I think if they choose to start me on an insulin drip for a few days they just may kill me. It seriously FREAKS ME OUT to think someone else (or a "sliding scale") will be in control of my Diabetes. REALLY. FREAKS. ME. OUT. Need I remind you that TWICE my Dads Insulin drip was ordered OFF during his last hospital stay because "he wasnt eating" and they didn't even know what TYPE of Diabetes he had? YEAH. The whole being hospitalized with D freaks me the hell out!

Sure, my Cervix biopsy and labs came back fine....but what if they get in there and DO find Cancer of my Ovaries or Uterus? Why do I have this pain and swelling in my Pelvic Lymph nodes down to my knees? No one has answered that question yet. Isn't that a big concern? What if I end up with complications and a ridiculous hospital stay? What if one problem turns into another and another....just like we experienced with my Dad? What if they don't catch my lows? What if the chaos of surgery throws me into DKA or a Thyroid Storm? The "what if's" are pure torture. The waiting is torture. I just want to get this over with. QUICKLY.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

A Mess

An update on ME. Last week I finally had a Gyn consult with a new Doctor. I have been coping with chronic pelvic pain, severe endometriosis, ovarian masses, back pain, and Pelvic Inflammatory Disease since Hannah was born in 1996!! To date, I have had 4 Pelvic Laparoscopies, 2D&C's and 3 surgeries for biopsy removal of breast masses! ACK! I'm basically an Estrogen dominant mess!! I'm only 33 years old, yet I've had these girly problems over half my life!!

So, lets back track for a minute....

Last year I had my first abnormal pap smear. My GYN acted like it was no big deal, even though it was a high risk result. He suggested I have Paps done every 6 months to watch for changes. Thats it.

One thing about me....I'm a googler. I google any medical term that comes my way. When I asked my GYN why he didnt suggest a Colposcopy be done for my abnormal cervix, he simply said it wasnt necessary. "90% of women with this result have immune systems that correct the abnormality." Who am I to second guess a Doctor, right? At the time I was in the midst of chaos surrounding my Dads death anyway, so I just let it go.

Somehow a year passed very quickly. Need I say again that in 2010 our family had just too many hardships? My Thyroid went bonkers come July, so in August I had half my Thyroid and a small mass removed. Since then all my girly problems have increased in severity, but I assumed it was "normal" because my Thyroid issues. I figured things would settle down eventually. In September I went to the doctor for swollen pelvic lymph nodes. I swore I had every symptom of Lymphoma. Blood work was all normal, and I was assured that my recent Thyroid surgery would just take some time to recover from. -Sigh-

Anyway, back to my new GYN....according to her I should have had that Colposcopy done last year!! She cant understand why my old GYN wasn't concerned about cancerous changes. Nice hugh? I guess you DO always need that second opinion!!(I think now my faith in doctors really IS ruined.) My new GYN is a Goddess. I love her. After she reviewed my operative reports from past surgeries she said I had/have the worst case of Endometriosis she has ever seen. GREAT. Leave it to me to be the one that amazes Doctors with weirdness! Apparently my surgical report from 2004 was the most disturbing. I had adhesion's and endometrial deposits covering my entire pelvic area, even my bladder, all the way up to my lower lungs!! And to think my GYN at the time did NOTHING after surgery to help control my Endometriosis!! SEVEN YEARS ago that operative report showed the severity, yet here I am still a mess.

So, anyway....last week while consulting with this new amazing GYN, I scheduled the Colposcopy/biopsy but the next available time isnt until next week. In the mean time she ordered my yearly pelvic ultrasound for the Endometriosis and chronic pelvic pain.

I had that ultrasound done last Thursday. I could tell by the way the Ultrasound Tech acted (Ive had the same Tech for over 10 years) that this ultrasound was a different kind of mess than my usual cystic ovaries. When the Ultrasound was done she told me to make sure I hear from the doctors office in the morning. 'Enuf said. She didnt have to say it, and she didnt have to tell me twice!

So, I called the doctors office after I hadnt heard from them by 2pm the next day. My luck. The office closes early on Fridays, which meant Id have to call Monday.

I called Monday. I was assured my chart was on the Doctors desk and she would be calling me. I also figured the test was fine since no one called!

I again called the Doctors office on Tuesday, but my Dr was out of the office delivering babies.

On Wednesday I was assured by the Receptionist AGAIN that my chart was on the Doctors desk and she would call by the end of the day. She never did.

Then came today, Thursday. Now an entire week after my ultrasound.

**The bitch switch was flipped.**

I called first thing this morning and spoke with yet another careless receptionist. Long argument cut short, I was basically told by the receptionist that I was supposed to have made an appointment to come in and review the Ultrasound results.
-Sigh- Whatever. She ended up putting me on hold, speaking with the doctor, and then asking me to come in for an Endometrial Biopsy at 345pm TODAY. WHAT THE HELL?

I went from hunting them down for my test result, to being scheduled for a entirely different biopsy in just one phone call!!

During my appointment today I learned something is very wrong with more than just my cervix....

My right ovary is doubled in size
My left ovary is even larger, with a 5cm complex cystic mass
My Uterus is seriously thickened and tripled in size

WTF? I just had a frickin ultrasound done last year and it was FINE!!!

The good news is, the Ultrasound did not show any fluid in my pelvic/abd cavity indicating Cancer is present.

So, the doctor attempted to do this Endometrial Biopsy today. She couldnt "enter" my Uterus (I think I almost died by the way) but she did get to do the Colposcopy of the cervix. I had labs drawn for a CA125, hormones levels and my Thyroid. And now we wait.

My records are being faxed with a personal letter to the "top GYN surgeon" in AZ per my GYN. She is then following up with a phone call and a request that I be scheduled for a consult with him next week. She hasnt said the C word. I think right now she is focused and hoping this is just an extreme result of long standing Endometriosis or early Menopause. I'm not saying the C word either, but I wouldnt be surprised.

I need to see this Specialist because a radical Hysterectomy for someone who is 33 AND Type 1 Diabetic with a Thyroid condition is a very tricky thing. I cant just go on any hormone replacement after surgery either, especially being our family history of breast cancer and my history of breast masses. Hormone replacement would also still cause any remaining endometrial deposits outside of female organs to respond to Estrogen and grow. And be painful.

So, there you have it. A mess. A total Estrogen Dominant mess. Why did it take SO many years for someone to listen? And WHY did it have to come to THIS? Could you imagine Diabetes after a radical Hysterectomy? Could you imagine Diabetes with Radiation and Chemotherapy? I'm tired of imagining, and I pray to God it isn't so.

Saturday, February 19, 2011


Last night I decided to take a hot bath around 11pm as I waited for Maddison to fall asleep. Basal changes + pizza night meant Maddison was likely to run pretty high, but that really is the safest option for her right now with weird lows invading her nights.

My alarm clock sounded at 1am, 3am, 5am, 630am, and 8am. HOORAY for Saturday morning sleeping in until 8!! With every blood sugar check Maddison needed a correction for being over 200, but I decreased the suggested amounts. She woke up at 180. Sweet victory for a night of no lows! Of course, every night isnt pizza night and tonight will tell.

**I** for one, am soooooooo LUCKY. You'd think I would have noticed during one of Maddie's night time checks that I never re-attached my pump after my late night bath!!! It was 9am this morning before I realized it!! Thats TEN hours without basal insulin, and a panicked sugar check showed I was 225. SAY WHAT!!?? I've always known my Diabetes is much "easier" to manage than most...but no basal insulin for all that time and I woke up at 225? WOW. Just small ketones. I guess the glass of wine I had last night helped me out there too. LUCKY. LUCKY. LUCKY.

That glass of wine also made me a bit dramatic as I blogged last night about LACKING SLEEP, Emotions and Reality. As I finally read through the post for errors this morning I realized just how emotionally unstable I must seem to readers sometimes, I kinda giggled at myself. I must say, I dont actually "cry my eyes out" very often, but I feel like I need to often when things get crazy. I may have a few silent tears that fill my eyes during these trying times with numbers, and I may climb in bed and have my moment at the end of the day sometimes, but I dont actually cry my eyes out like I made it sound in yesterdays post. I guess wine is good for alot more than we thought...LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY me.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Lacking Sleep, Emotions and Reality

On days such as today when I am seriously lacking sleep, my emotions run wild. Out of nowhere Diabetes thoughts will pop into my mind and bring tears to my eyes. I'm not typically like this.

The first couple years of Maddison's Diabetes I most definitely was a ticking time bomb, without a doubt. A total emotional mess. ALWAYS seriously sleep deprived. Now being 4 years in to the constants of Diabetes, I have learned to better manage (or bury) my worries, frustrations and fears without bursting into tears when things get crazy.

Most days anyway.

But after a sleep deprived night of chasing lows? Not so much.

Emotions run wild.

Shit, I can go from crying my eyes out to raging and cussing in just a half a second flat! One minute I'm crying my eyes out in fear and worry, and the next I'm cussing Diabetes to the curb, just DARING it to try and fuck with me tonight!

Crazy Fucked up Disease.

I've said it a million times, and I will say it again....Diabetes emotions is by FAR the hardest part for ME...AND Maddison.

Poke our fingers. Stab us with needles. Kick our ass to the curb with lows or highs. THAT we recover from. Easily. We are strong. Physically strong. Physical pain just doesn't compare to the emotions of this fucked up disease.

2010 may have brought about several horrible life changing events for me, but it also brought a blessing in numbers. Maddisons Diabetes pretty much behaved over the last VERY difficult year of 2010. Nothing too crazy. Not too many days of questioning.

Just doing.

It was a much needed break, and I'm not sure I'd be sane today if Diabetes fucked with me during that very difficult year. Sure, we had lows and highs. Sleepless nights with numbers gone wrong. Days of worry, and nights of fear....but I was always able to work magic in numbers without too much chaos. A blessing indeed.

But this is 2011. The blessing of less chaos has ended. Maddison's LOWS have taken over my nights for a week or two now, and I'm not sure what to do next. Not knowing what to do next, not knowing what tonight brings.....THAT is what eats me alive.

These LOWS COULD claim my childs life as she sleeps. Its not about the numbers, its about her LIFE.

The tears start to fall. The reality of Diabetes sets in once again.

And then there is me. Workouts are non existent. I don't care what crap I eat. I just dont care about much of anything these days, except getting through the day. I'm in auto pilot mode. I worry about my future health. I've gained weight that I shouldn't, and I'm suffering from burnout. Insomnia, yet chronic fatigue. Depression. New health issues. I'm 33 years old and I feel like I'm dying inside most days. Its really getting old.

My girly system has really taken a turn for the worst, (yes it is possible that I fall victim to MORE girly problems) so at this point all we do is plan for a radical hysterectomy and pray that the C word isnt as it appears in my symptoms and the latest biopsies. If the C word isnt, I will be surprised.

Stay tuned for those details.

I'm tired. Lacking sleep. The alarm sounds too often at night these days. Emotions run wild. I think continually of the cluster of lives lost in the D-O-C over the past few weeks, and wonder WHY. HOW? There are no answers. It is simply a possibility. Night time brings about my fear that Maddie could be next, or my children could face life without me.

With every alarm that sounds my heart instantly skips a beat. I spring out of bed. What if? I rush in to touch Maddie's cheek. It is the only resolve for the worry in my mind, but the last midnight check revealed Maddie covered in sweat, her cheek cool to the touch. A blood sugar of 41 stared back on the meter.

What if my alarm didnt sound? What if I slept past it? What if???? I'm now wide awake. Because of fear. I give juice. I turn off her insulin pump for awhile.

My sleep for the rest of the night will be guarded, if any. Some nights I just climb in to bed and hold her tight, because its all you can do when you dont know what else to do. Waiting. Lacking sleep. Being so tired all you can do is cry.

Diabetes is a fucked up disease.

Recheck shows a 210, and I'm thankful. She is safe. Who cares if now she is too high? For now. Reset the alarm for an hour or two later. A life based on numbers sometimes.

4 years down, a lifetime to go.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

She Doesn't Even Play

Maddison doesn't even play Volleyball, but Hannah's practice nights affect her Diabetes.....Say what?! Its true! EVERYTHING can and WILL affect Diabetes!!!

Maddison hasn't had "midnight lows" for many, many months. A new record, actually! Maddie may come in too high around midnight sometimes, but we have avoided
midnightISH lows for a long, long time. (I'll take late night highs over late night lows ANY day thank you!) So whats the deal lately with a midnightISH low here and there?

A D Mom must question....hmmmm. No active insulin going to bed. Thats not it. Maddison went to bed in range and dropped over 80pts? A basal DECREASE is needed? Thats weird. You might see an INCREASE when Maddie's insulin needs change at night, but decreasing to an amount that has NEVER been so low? Doesnt make sense. Did Maddison zoom around today? Nope. Ride her bike? Swim? Run miles? NOPE. Nothing out of the ordinary. Hmmm....

Volleyball practice. HANNAH's Volleyball practice affects MADDISON's Diabetes!! Yep. Sure does. Hannah has practice Tuesdays and Thursdays until 9:30pm. Which means we dont get home until 10pm. Which means Maddison doesn't fall sound asleep until AT LEAST 10:30pm, which in my D Mom mind says "HOLY HELL now basals need to be changed for practice nights!!"

If Maddie isnt asleep "on time" by 9:30 or 10 each night, her basal rates overnight will be all off track. Who knew a child's body has such precise insulin needs while they sleep? Its like clock work. Maddie falls asleep. Almost instantly her insulin needs INCREASE. Because growth hormones kick in and cause insulin resistance right? Or so they say....

730pm. Maddison's pump is set to begin dosing DOUBLE the amount of insulin than she needs during the day. Double doses. Because at night children grow and need the extra insulin to avoid highs. (this child anyway) The double dose is set with the plan that Maddison is sleeping "on time" and everything **usually** works great....

If Maddison isnt sleeping "On time" she is getting double insulin doses that arent needed yet! Because she isnt sleeping yet!! And Maddison will go LOW!!

So, Ive tried a temp basal reduction on late nights. UM. Nope. Didnt work. I tried to put Maddison to bed higher at 180. NOPE. She was 64 within 2 hours. One night I put her to bed at 210 without correcting. NOPE. She was 56 within 2 hours!! HOLY HELL!! Extra snack with no insulin before bed = 380 by midnight. UGH. Why change Maddie's basal rate if its only two nights a week she goes low from staying up later? How many more "tries" does it take to get it right without risking lows in the night? SHEESH!

It was starting to work out...UNTIL.... all of a sudden some nights I catch Maddison up tossing and turning until at least 11pm!! Any random day of the week! So, then I have to stay up and watch her sugars like a hawk for awhile, all because she wasnt able to fall asleep "on time." I find myself nagging...

"Go to sleep Maddison!"

"Close your eyes and TRY to sleep!"

"You got 5 minutes to fall asleep!!"

Its ridiculous.

From the outside we may look completely normal. But THIS? THIS is not normal at all. And I'm tired. My mind is fried. What do we try now? Sleeping on time = avoiding dangerous lows in the night. Damn basal dosing. If only Diabetes was as easy as the world sees it.....

Monday, February 7, 2011


UGH, the time has come. I need to talk about Diabetes Camp. GASP. The time is approaching to quickly for me! Every day as summer inches a bit closer I start to feel a tad more smothered in FEAR!!!

So here goes.....

Years past, Maddison just hasnt been a good candidate for Diabetes Camp. A weekend maybe, but 7 WHOLE DAYS....UM......NO WAY JOSE. Maddison hasn't been "ready" for Diabetes camp for many, many reasons. Reason #1 being that 70% of the time Maddison ends up in our bed, even before she falls asleep for the night. Maddison has never been a "good" sleeper, and typically sneaks into our bed soon after I fall asleep. She just doesn't want to sleep in her own bed. Alone. A WEEK at camp? No, way Jose!! She just hasnt been ready.

I used to call Maddison my "conditional" child. If she didnt eat well, have great blood sugars, AND sleep well she was likely to be a friggin mess. If she was too cold she was irritable. Too hot she was mean. Thirst made her crazy and boredom made her FREAK OUT. Maddison has always been emotionally "unstable." Sometimes I wondered if we were looking at depression or mental disorders. Of course, to the outsider Maddison never seemed to have these issues. She saved all the instability for home. It used to be I would REALLY have to work to keep Maddison in a decent mood during the school week. It was exhausting. Maddison HATES school. In fact, she despises it. I cant say I blame wasnt until this year that testing FINALLY showed she has multiple learning disabilities, even though I fought the school since 1st grade to get her the help/testing she needed! So, since Maddison has been getting the help she needs in Resource this year she has really changed her attitude towards school...

For the most part anyway.

FINALLY there is less complaining and fighting when it comes time to do homework. Lately Maddison even comes home from school and does her chores, then jumps right into homework without being asked!!HALLELUJAH!! By far he BIGGEST change in Maddison is that there is NO MORE dragging her (literally) from bed every school morning while she cries and screams how school is boring, a "prison" or a waste of her time. Yes, my Maddison is finally getting the school help she needs! More confidence in school = more confidence overall. Maddison is SO MUCH more emotionally stable the past few months!! Sheesh. If they only would have listened from the beginning!!

There are so many ways Maddison has begun to change and mature this year. (Damn. She IS ready for camp!) Why do I feel the need to explain why she wasn't ready before now? I dont know, but truth is, Maddison was typically unable to tolerate large groups of people. Especially those that included alot of noise. Maddison always ended play dates in short notice. All of a sudden she would be "done" hanging out and just wanted to spend time alone playing in her room. So she would just up and do so. Nothing could convince her to emerge from her room once she was "done" hanging out for the day. Thats just the way she is.

I wont even talk about Maddison's RIDICULOUS picky eating habits. I'm embarrassed to admit just how limited her diet really is. What the hell is she going to eat for 7 days at camp?? I wish I could say her eating habits are changing. They aren't. I think she might starve while she is there.....

Socially Maddison has always been reserved. She prefers just a friend or two. She is shy. She doesnt warm up to others easily....But lately, she has blossomed. Maddison has changed more in the past few months than she has in years. The age of 10 seems to be a turning point for both my girls. I remember Hannah turning was like a new girl emerged over night. Hannah took off running by the age of 10 and never looked back, whereas Maddison still has her days when she needs to just be home away from all the chaos life and school can bring. Some days Maddison just wants to be alone....but, those days are far a few now it seems.

So, here I am in a panic. I didnt expect Maddison to be "ready" for camp this year either.....but she IS. And **I** seriously NEVER WILL BE.

Why can't camp be a weekend? I mean REALLY? I dont even want to send away my non-D
14yr old daughter for a whole week! 7 days? SEVEN DAYS? Every time I think about it I just about vomit. Crazy worries invade my mind. I imagine myself pitching a tent in the woods surrounding camp....just so I can secretly sneak in and check on Maddison during the hug from Maddison for 7 days during Diabetes camp week? I dont even get to talk to her over the phone!!?? UGH. I dont care how much fun Maddison will have at camp...**I** will never be "ready" to just send her away for the week!

At first I filled out the application without a worry in my mind. I know Maddison is surrounded by AMAZING medical professionals. In fact, I do believe the ratio is one medical professional for every 3 children. WOW. Thats impressive!! Then there are the Counselors. Most of whom have Diabetes themselves. Of course there are FRIENDS. (At least 5 other kids we know from our local support group attend camp each year) Friends will be made. Ohhhh lots of friends will be made!!

None of that really matters, TO ME. It doesnt take away the worry and fear I have inside. Maddison's Diabetes is MY Diabetes. **I** am the expert. **I** know what HER body is doing. I even know what her body is THINKING. **I** know what swimming does to her insulin needs. I know what hiking, biking, walking, jumping, running and illness do to her basal rates. I know how her body metabolizes ice cream. Pizza. Pasta. **I** am always a step ahead of the game. (or so I think) **I** seriously won't know what to do with myself without my Maddison for 7 whole days!!!!!!!But, I also realize Maddison takes awesome care of herself when she needs to. She catches all her lows. She checks when asked and boluses without complaint. She is ready.

I know Diabetes camp is a place where Maddison will meet friends that will last for a lifetime. I know camp is a place Maddison will be surrounded with kids just like her. The same feelings, same dreams, same struggles. I know Maddison will LOVE camp. I know she will learn a higher level of self respect, confidence and responsibility. Especially when it comes to living with Diabetes. I know she will be safe. That doesnt take away the "what if's" that invade my mind. It also doesnt take away the fear that night time brings, just because medical professionals surround her and check her sugars over night. Nope. Nothing can take away the concern or worry a D Mom faces when sending away her child. For SEVEN DAYS!!!

Maddison is going to camp this summer. YEP. I keep telling myself this is true. She has wanted to go to camp for years now. I didnt think she would ever be ready....but this year, she is. June will be here too quickly. I'm excited for her, but oh so freaked out of my mind!!!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

"Just how it is"

Somehow tonight Maddison and I ended up talking about toddlers and very young children with Diabetes. I always think to myself how lucky we are that Maddison was 6 when she was diagnosed. I just cannot imagine the heartache of having a tiny one with Diabetes. There is a HUGE difference between living with Diabetes at age 2 than living with Diabetes at age 6. Diabetes is heart breaking for anyone, especially for any child.....but my heart just breaks into a million pieces when I think of babies and toddlers with Diabetes!!!

So anyway, I mentioned to Maddison once again how fortunate we are that she didn't have Diabetes when she was 2 or 3 or 4. We talked about the challenges a parent would face when it came to treating lows in a toddler that didn't want to eat. Chasing down your baby for shots...Poking the tiniest finger when they just don't understand why....

As always, Maddison's outlook on her Diabetes never ceases to amaze me....

Maddison: "Yeah, Diabetes for babies just isn't fair. Because they don't understand. It isn't so sad for me though, because I was 6 and I knew why I had to have shots. And now I'm 10, and Diabetes is just how it is. It's like it isn't even there anymore. Its just something I do because I have to. Its just how it is."

And then, Maddison just looked at me with her big brown eyes and smiled. She just smiled. As if to say, "I'm good Mom. Don't worry about me." And then, my heart smiled too......

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

But I Feeeeeellllll Loooowwwww

77. Thats not low. Zero active insulin. I'm not dropping. My basals keep me level, I'm sure they aren't off. I'm sure I'm staying darn close to this number without moving much. But I feellll soooo loooowwww. It SUCKS.

So should I ignore my foggy brain? Do I suck it up and wait for this feeling to pass? I'd really like to hang out in the 70's, thats a great range to spend some time in until dinner. Should I eat even though I'm not hungry, just to get this low feeling to pass? Why do I feel sooooo shaky and weak? Drained. No energy. Lifeless. I'm not low. But I FEEL low. As in, the way a BAD low feels. Not just a "little" low.

If I were at home when these "lows" happen I wouldnt be quite so irritated. But I just happen to be at work. Driving. Or, out in public. 102. That isnt low! But I feeeelllll sooooo looooowwwww. 74. 108. Why the hell do I feel Sooooo loooowwww? I'm grumpy. Dropping things. Tired. The lights are very bright. I'm sure I'm dropping. NOPE. Recheck shows I'm stable! Every-single-time!!

I feel guilty for treating these "good" numbers as a low, just because I FEEL low. But when Im at work, driving, or out in public I NEED to feel good. I NEED to feel like my brain is working. Pop a sweet tart or two. I need to hang around in the 110-120's instead of the 100's, 90's, 80's or 70's to FEEL good lately. It pisses me off. 90 or under is my GOAL between meals!!!

I've been a very good girl. I'm back to checking my sugars every 2-3 hours during the day. My meter average shows 126 for the last 30 days and post prandial spikes have been minimized back down to the 160's or so with pre-bolusing. Its SO not fair that I feel low when Im not! It used to be I would hang around in the 70's and 80's for HOURS and still feel GOOD.

Not anymore. UGH. Im frustrated. I'm irritated. I'm stuck on "WHAT USED TO BE" when I know I really should just focus on NOW. Diabetes is an emotionally draining disease. We always want to do better. ALWAYS. We are always told we can DO better. Adjust this. Change that. Avoid this. Prebolus more. Change to Apidra. Its exhausting sometimes. And yet, I beat myself up for a 108 that feels low. Or a 126 average that I want to be lower. Sad.

When you stop and think about it, it really is sad. Its sad that PWD (people with Diabetes) feel we can never manage our disease well enough. This is a DISEASE. How many people manage their OWN disease? Dont most other diseases just require you to pick up an RX or two and pop a pill? Maybe do some therapy, watch your diet or exercise more. We all need to do that anyway! How many people out there are responsible for the function of their own body organs? Anyone out their manage their own heart beat? Anyone manage their own Liver or Spleen? People with Type 1 Diabetes are essentially running their own Pancreas. Keeping ourselves alive. Sometimes we just need to step back and stop trying to perfect something that cannot be perfected.

Today, that is what I'm working towards. Stepping back from the belief that I can perfect what only a functioning pancreas can do. -Sigh-