Wednesday, February 2, 2011

But I Feeeeeellllll Loooowwwww

77. Thats not low. Zero active insulin. I'm not dropping. My basals keep me level, I'm sure they aren't off. I'm sure I'm staying darn close to this number without moving much. But I feellll soooo loooowwww. It SUCKS.

So should I ignore my foggy brain? Do I suck it up and wait for this feeling to pass? I'd really like to hang out in the 70's, thats a great range to spend some time in until dinner. Should I eat even though I'm not hungry, just to get this low feeling to pass? Why do I feel sooooo shaky and weak? Drained. No energy. Lifeless. I'm not low. But I FEEL low. As in, the way a BAD low feels. Not just a "little" low.

If I were at home when these "lows" happen I wouldnt be quite so irritated. But I just happen to be at work. Driving. Or, out in public. 102. That isnt low! But I feeeelllll sooooo looooowwwww. 74. 108. Why the hell do I feel Sooooo loooowwww? I'm grumpy. Dropping things. Tired. The lights are very bright. I'm sure I'm dropping. NOPE. Recheck shows I'm stable! Every-single-time!!

I feel guilty for treating these "good" numbers as a low, just because I FEEL low. But when Im at work, driving, or out in public I NEED to feel good. I NEED to feel like my brain is working. Pop a sweet tart or two. I need to hang around in the 110-120's instead of the 100's, 90's, 80's or 70's to FEEL good lately. It pisses me off. 90 or under is my GOAL between meals!!!

I've been a very good girl. I'm back to checking my sugars every 2-3 hours during the day. My meter average shows 126 for the last 30 days and post prandial spikes have been minimized back down to the 160's or so with pre-bolusing. Its SO not fair that I feel low when Im not! It used to be I would hang around in the 70's and 80's for HOURS and still feel GOOD.

Not anymore. UGH. Im frustrated. I'm irritated. I'm stuck on "WHAT USED TO BE" when I know I really should just focus on NOW. Diabetes is an emotionally draining disease. We always want to do better. ALWAYS. We are always told we can DO better. Adjust this. Change that. Avoid this. Prebolus more. Change to Apidra. Its exhausting sometimes. And yet, I beat myself up for a 108 that feels low. Or a 126 average that I want to be lower. Sad.

When you stop and think about it, it really is sad. Its sad that PWD (people with Diabetes) feel we can never manage our disease well enough. This is a DISEASE. How many people manage their OWN disease? Dont most other diseases just require you to pick up an RX or two and pop a pill? Maybe do some therapy, watch your diet or exercise more. We all need to do that anyway! How many people out there are responsible for the function of their own body organs? Anyone out their manage their own heart beat? Anyone manage their own Liver or Spleen? People with Type 1 Diabetes are essentially running their own Pancreas. Keeping ourselves alive. Sometimes we just need to step back and stop trying to perfect something that cannot be perfected.

Today, that is what I'm working towards. Stepping back from the belief that I can perfect what only a functioning pancreas can do. -Sigh-


Nicole said...

amen!! Great Post!! and give yourself a great big hug :)

Unknown said...

You know Kelly, I never thought of it that way...that other diseases don't necessarily require us to take over the function of an organ. Diabetes does.

I hope you start to feel better soon. (((HUGS))) and I heart you big time!

Hallie Addington said...

I hate not being as good as "the real deal". Hate it. I don't like not being able to control things. Makes me crazy.

But dont beat yourself up. Isn't what you FEEL more important than the number you see? You've gotta keep yourself safe. I worry about you driving around and feeling low. Low or not... You pop that sugar! Or I'll have to pack up my flip flops and head on down to sunny AZ!

Anonymous said...

Yup, trust your body; trust the way you feel. You could either be dropping or, fact is, there can be a 30 percent variation in what your actual blood sugar is and glucometer reading. So at 70, you could easily be 60. It is within the allowable error range. Why feel guilt about popping 4 grams of sugar so you are hanging out at 90? No reason to walk around feeling like *****.... That's my take on it.