Friday, February 18, 2011

Lacking Sleep, Emotions and Reality

On days such as today when I am seriously lacking sleep, my emotions run wild. Out of nowhere Diabetes thoughts will pop into my mind and bring tears to my eyes. I'm not typically like this.

The first couple years of Maddison's Diabetes I most definitely was a ticking time bomb, without a doubt. A total emotional mess. ALWAYS seriously sleep deprived. Now being 4 years in to the constants of Diabetes, I have learned to better manage (or bury) my worries, frustrations and fears without bursting into tears when things get crazy.

Most days anyway.

But after a sleep deprived night of chasing lows? Not so much.

Emotions run wild.

Shit, I can go from crying my eyes out to raging and cussing in just a half a second flat! One minute I'm crying my eyes out in fear and worry, and the next I'm cussing Diabetes to the curb, just DARING it to try and fuck with me tonight!

Crazy Fucked up Disease.

I've said it a million times, and I will say it again....Diabetes emotions is by FAR the hardest part for ME...AND Maddison.

Poke our fingers. Stab us with needles. Kick our ass to the curb with lows or highs. THAT we recover from. Easily. We are strong. Physically strong. Physical pain just doesn't compare to the emotions of this fucked up disease.

2010 may have brought about several horrible life changing events for me, but it also brought a blessing in numbers. Maddisons Diabetes pretty much behaved over the last VERY difficult year of 2010. Nothing too crazy. Not too many days of questioning.

Just doing.

It was a much needed break, and I'm not sure I'd be sane today if Diabetes fucked with me during that very difficult year. Sure, we had lows and highs. Sleepless nights with numbers gone wrong. Days of worry, and nights of fear....but I was always able to work magic in numbers without too much chaos. A blessing indeed.

But this is 2011. The blessing of less chaos has ended. Maddison's LOWS have taken over my nights for a week or two now, and I'm not sure what to do next. Not knowing what to do next, not knowing what tonight brings.....THAT is what eats me alive.

These LOWS COULD claim my childs life as she sleeps. Its not about the numbers, its about her LIFE.

The tears start to fall. The reality of Diabetes sets in once again.

And then there is me. Workouts are non existent. I don't care what crap I eat. I just dont care about much of anything these days, except getting through the day. I'm in auto pilot mode. I worry about my future health. I've gained weight that I shouldn't, and I'm suffering from burnout. Insomnia, yet chronic fatigue. Depression. New health issues. I'm 33 years old and I feel like I'm dying inside most days. Its really getting old.

My girly system has really taken a turn for the worst, (yes it is possible that I fall victim to MORE girly problems) so at this point all we do is plan for a radical hysterectomy and pray that the C word isnt as it appears in my symptoms and the latest biopsies. If the C word isnt, I will be surprised.

Stay tuned for those details.

I'm tired. Lacking sleep. The alarm sounds too often at night these days. Emotions run wild. I think continually of the cluster of lives lost in the D-O-C over the past few weeks, and wonder WHY. HOW? There are no answers. It is simply a possibility. Night time brings about my fear that Maddie could be next, or my children could face life without me.

With every alarm that sounds my heart instantly skips a beat. I spring out of bed. What if? I rush in to touch Maddie's cheek. It is the only resolve for the worry in my mind, but the last midnight check revealed Maddie covered in sweat, her cheek cool to the touch. A blood sugar of 41 stared back on the meter.

What if my alarm didnt sound? What if I slept past it? What if???? I'm now wide awake. Because of fear. I give juice. I turn off her insulin pump for awhile.

My sleep for the rest of the night will be guarded, if any. Some nights I just climb in to bed and hold her tight, because its all you can do when you dont know what else to do. Waiting. Lacking sleep. Being so tired all you can do is cry.

Diabetes is a fucked up disease.

Recheck shows a 210, and I'm thankful. She is safe. Who cares if now she is too high? For now. Reset the alarm for an hour or two later. A life based on numbers sometimes.

4 years down, a lifetime to go.

5 comments:

Lora said...

"And then there is me. Workouts are non existent. I don't care what crap I eat. I just dont care about much of anything these days, except getting through the day. I'm in auto pilot mode. I worry about my future health. I've gained weight that I shouldn't, and I'm suffering from burnout. Insomnia, yet chronic fatigue. Depression. New health issues. I'm 33 years old and I feel like I'm dying inside most days. Its really getting old."

I couldn't have said it better myself. We will get through all of this... We WILL get through all of this...

Nikki of Our Diabetic Warrior said...

Emotions definitely get the better side of me when I'm run down too. You are doing the absolute best that you can for your daughter. I hope you can get some needed rest.

Reyna said...

Kelly,

I hope all goes ok with your check...and I am praying for no "C". That with the "D" is way too much...for anyone. I love you. I hear you. I am so sorry Maddie is experiencing these lows. You must be exhausted and raw. And...yes...a fucked up disease it is. Chin up! LOVE YOU!!!

Reyna said...

Kelly,

I hope all goes ok with your check...and I am praying for no "C". That with the "D" is way too much...for anyone. I love you. I hear you. I am so sorry Maddie is experiencing these lows. You must be exhausted and raw. And...yes...a fucked up disease it is. Chin up! LOVE YOU!!!

Penny said...

Kelly I could have written this post myself 100 times.

I get up several times a night to check sugars and God help us if they are low because I can then throw sleep out the window all together.

Even after checking his sugar a few times last night, the first thing I did when my feet hit the floor this morning is what I do every. single. morning. I walked into Riley's room and placed my hand on his little chest and waited to feel it rise. And, every morning, a wave of relief washes over me. And, it doesn't matter that I've been doing it for over 5 years now and he's always been OK. What matters is that one morning, he may not.

So, I get where you're coming from, girl. I soooo get it.