Thursday, September 23, 2010

Good enough

Do you ever have the feeling that "good" is never good enough when it comes to managing Diabetes? Every person/parent with Diabetes has a different idea of what numbers are "good" and what numbers are "too high." Every person with Diabetes has a "range" that works for them. Some people are safer in the 120 range than they are in the 90 range. That's just how THEIR OWN body is....or rather, that's just how their insulin dosing HAS TO BE to avoid lows.

For the record, I never refer to blood sugars as "good" or "bad" but rather "too low" or "too high". Funny how calling our sugars BAD vs TOO HIGH can make all the difference in how we feel about this disease! Again, I know that numbers that are good for me, arent safe for Maddison, just as what is decent for Maddison is way too high for me. I can't do a 180 like Maddison can. 180 for me is pure torture wheras 180 to Maddison "isnt so bad." You follow me?

My pump is set for a 90-90 target all hours of the day. For awhile I was running more like 130. I'm pretty sure I can get back to that 90 range. Ive had time now to analyze my numbers for a few days since I slapped the CGM on a few days ago. The CGM allows me to see that my ratio is darn near perfect, assuming of course, that I count carbs with total accuracy. (I need to get back to pre-bolusing though!!) My basals are set just right during the day....nigh time needs some work....BUT, you cant manipulate basals when you are correcting an out of range number before bed every night now can you!!?? Sheesh.

So, Im working on testing my correction factor. One day I corrected and was too low. One day I corrected and didnt budge. Sometimes I think us people with Diabetes need to understand that we are SERIOUSLY MISSING AN ORGAN IN OUR BODIES AND NEED TO JUST BE HAPPY WITH A 130!! Is that wrong of me? Should I always strive for tighter control?

Well, I've been trying for the last week. I really want that 90 range. So, I go low even after changing the correction by a point or two. Maybe its because I can't bolus a .025 with my pump? Could be. Different times of day, different foods, different activities. Maybe I should just be happy with the 130 instead of obsessing over micromanaging? You know why? Because I end up irritated and angry. Upset with MYSELF for not being able to figure it out. That's sad, but true.

Im thinking sometimes "good" numbers cant be perfected. Not with Diabetes for sure. Ive managed to get my numbers back to the 105 range the last couple of days and Im still not happy. I really want that 90. But at what cost? My sanity? Risking lows? Risking tighter control that makes you not feel your lows until you are dangerously low? I think right now I'm gonna stick to the 105 range. Good enough. I say that....but wish I felt it.

2 comments:

Reyna said...

OMGosh! I am drooling over your numbers. I know, I know...the kids are different...but, damn, if Joe was hanging in the 105s, 130s, or heck, the 180s...I'd be doing a huge ol' happy dance! I bet it is hard to accept certain numbers when you know they still aren't quite "normal". The condition demands diligence 24/7 and still you may not get the numbers that you desire. Hang in there and hopefully after you have "chewed on" your "new number normal" you'll be happy with yourself and not striving for more...which may not be safely attainable.

Wendy said...

I THINK YOU'RE AMAZING REGARDLESS OF THE NUMBER!!!

And I think both 130 AND 105 is pretty freaking incredible.