Wednesday, March 19, 2008

What a 32 will do......

Maddison went swimming yesterday, which is a promise of later lows. I decreased her basal by 50% for a few hours (gotta love the pump!) which should have helped. All moms that battle Diabetes know swimming can be torture until you figure out how long after the activity to expect those lows. Some kids go low right away, some spike to crazy highs. Some kids don't have lows later, some do for up to 24 hours! Metabolism is an awesome thing. Last swim season Maddison had the "expected" lows at night following swimming which we learned to avoid by extra snacks before bed. That easy right?

Despite a temp basal of 50% she was low (61) before bed. I gave her double the normal amount of carbs to get her through the night. Up to 98. Hmmm......she should be higher than that to sleep, especially after swimming. I figured the milk and peanut butter carbs didn't kick in yet but she will be fine for an hour, I am exhausted and NEED an hour cat nap seeing this night was going to be rough. Set the alarm clock for 1 hour.......she was 71. Ahhhh, long night for sure! Long story short, I was up every hour, then every 2 hours chasing numbers. Oh how I hate swim season! It can be scary! I decide to turn OFF her basal for ONE hour (because I can't go less than 50%) and she is finally 224 after that. Only two more hours until I wake up at 5am so I HALF correct the 224 and wake up at 5am and she is 89. -Whew!-

I think the mistake I made next was pre-bolusing her breakfast when she was just 89. But I have always done so, why would today be any different? I dont know if at this point in the morning she was still ultra sensitive to insulin because of the swimming 14 hours prior? That has been known to Hannah was so excitedly talking about leaving for her 6th grade trip up north Maddison began to cry. She complained that Hannah's trip wasn't fair. She sounded off to me, and then she said the dreaded words that I hate to hear her say.... "Mom I feel like I am not even real" which means she is SERIOUSLY LOW. I pick her up frantically knowing after last night this is not good. She is pale as can be. She is shaking, sweaty and her eyes are not focusing!!! No time to even check, get the juice first, and she is 32!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Somehow we got through it, after three juice boxes and 20c of Glucose tablets she is only 48!!!!!!!!!!!Where the hell is the liver when you need it?!! I expected her to be sky high with a "rebound" on the next poke but she is still only in the 60's. What the hell is happening? There is no school nurse for the next three days while Hannah and the other 6th graders are taking chances on these numbers continuing through out the day while I must go to work....I get her stabalized eventually, but we are staying home!

So this is what a 32 does to you..................besides the adrenaline rush when you realize your child is about to have a seizure, a 32 stops your entire world. I wanted to take Maddison in my arms and never let go. We have been doing so well, no lows and no serious highs for so long, and now this 32 slapped me in the face and forces fear into every pore of my body. Does anyone know that my child could have just lost her life? In a split second one dose of insulin could have taken her life!!!! What If she didn't end up okay? What if I couldn't get her blood sugar back up? What if she wasn't here with me right now? Does any other disease act in such a silent way? No one knows Diabetes is there, you ARE healthy, but you can suddenly be taken over by the one thing that keeps you alive? How f'ed up is that?

As we crawled in bed together to recouperate, I was crying inside. Scared out of my mind. All I could see in my mind was the look in her eyes as she was staring blankly ahead. I had to leave her so she wouldn't hear me lose it. My heart was broken by one number. I had been feeling so "safe" in managing her numbers only to be taken off guard, from out of nowhere....... a number we have NEVER seen in this 15 month battle. My emotions ran wild from one extreme to the other. I feel like such a failure, although I did nothing wrong or different. I started to think of all the Diabetes days ahead. Swimming days, sick days, puberty, roller coaster numbers for no reason, vomiting days. Oh no! That is the last thing I need to worry about, vomiting in Diabetes can quickly be life threatning. Now I am fearful of this stupid disease all over again!

So in comes thoughts of Glucagon. If Maddison had a seizure and couldnt take sugar by mouth, I would have to inject Glucagon into a major muscle. Glucagon is supposed to be the answer when a seizure occours or when vomiting and illness leaves your blood sugar to low that you cannot recover by ingesting carbs/sugar. When Glucagon is injected, your liver is then prompted to "dump" all its stored sugar into your blood, SAVING YOUR LIFE. Saving your functioning brain, heart......saving every organ in your body from failure. Do people realize that SUGAR runs your body? Do they realize that the sugar that kills us also saves our lives? If your liver glucose stores have been depleated by vomiting, illness or activity, you have no sugar stored for emergencies. Your liver can't save you. The injected Glucagon will do nothing, at that point it is useless and you will end up in a coma and possibly die. Basically in my mind at that moment I was imagining every possibility that we are faced with every day with this fucked up disease. Somewhere after finding a comfortable life again with Diabetes you forget how serious this disease is, and then a 32 comes along and is a vivid reminder how our bodies are broken and artifically controlled.

I was now completly irrational the entire day. I felt entirely alone although nothing in my life had changed in reality, something inside me was traumatized by Maddison's number 32. This kind of experience is why Diabetes hurts, and no one can understand that unless you live it. Diabetes has an eerie ability to take away so much from you, from the person you are, from the family that lives with Diabetes. It leaves you scarred, fearful and feeling helpless so many times, in the blink of an eye! Hannah left town being scared for her little sister, worried when she should be enjoying her trip. Something as simple as swimming is now scary for me. I have to try, try and try again until I get it right. It will cause highs, lows and stress until I figure out every detail. Do you ever figure out every detail? I think not. One day will never be the same as the next. Fear.....anxiety.......heartache is what a 32 does to you.

Here is another day, and I am finally editing this blog post....I have been depressed and anxious, unable to sleep or eat the last few days since that 32 on Wednesday morning. Why? Because when something like this shocks you back to reality you end up angry and feeling the emotions of the initial diagnosis all over again. Every-single-one-of-them. I feel uncertain of things that will come our way in the future. I feel cheated that this is just how life is for Maddison and our family. This is just how it is. Any confidence that I have gained over the last year of managing Diabetes in Maddison was taken from me in an instant. The guilt is enough to make me scream. It will take time to get back to feeling like Diabetes isn't there, like it isn't the main concern of my every day. Right now, again, it is.

Yesterday Maddison had another 38 as a result of an overdose for a cupcake at school. Why the hell isn't she feeling low until she is dangerously low?!! You know why? Because the benefit of the pump is "tighter control" and tighter control means lower numbers that leave you not feeling low until you are dropping FAST. So here we are doing what is best for our child in maintaining tight control and now it is actually causing MORE problems. That enrages me. The answer? Run her higher for a few days. How is that right? I have to intentionally inflict highs to solve the problem of lows? I am so angry with Diabetes right now. I have so many things that are running through my mind the last few days that they are all jumbled in my mind. My words won't come out. My feelings are from one extreme to the other.

I come into work today and wonder if they think I am crazy. Crazy because I SWEAR I cannot make it through one month without missing a day for Maddison's Diabetes. I wonder if they think I am taking advantage of them? I always think they feel I am lying about what is going on in my life. Then I feel I need to explain how things work with a child and Diabetes, and that leaves me more angry because explaining this disease to anyone in just a few conversations here and there is useless. You could never understand how complicated Diabetes is until you have spent the last 2 years reading every single detail about treatment, managing patterns and the way that your entire metabolism works. Don't forget digestion and excersize! We aren't just talking about running miles, lifting weights or playing a sport like adults. We are talking about walking around the block, riding a scooter, SWIMMING, playing outside prolonged hours, recess at school, the trampoline, PE class, a day at an amusement park. Can you tell I am just irritated today? I am tired of having to consider so much just to keep stabile numbers. TIRED! Then I remember, oh shit! I have this same f****** disease, no wonder I am so f'ing tired! No wonder I get knocked down so often! Poking Maddison's finger 15 times a day sometimes, and mine 10times a day equals 175 finger pokes a week between the two of us! Thats 700 numbers a month that can make my mood or break it. Is it just a number? No, to me it is not just a number. At least not this week it isn't.

Monday, March 17, 2008

My "D" Day

Two years ago today, 3-17-2006 I had the official diagnosis. St Patricks Day. I'm okay with that, though I never believed I would make it to this point. Today was just another day for me. No sadness, no celebration of defeat. On the sad side I will always think of St Patricks Day as the day that I am keenly aware of my differences from others. On the good side, I am ready for anything that comes my way. I have learned so much, grown so much in this battle to keep myself alive every day. I feel I should acknowledge the day though, perhaps just for the victory of life itself. Two years down, and a battle ahead. I'm good to go.

She's just a growing girl

I finally told Hannah last night that I had to check her blood sugar. She had been drinking so much and was emotional and grumpy all day. After 20min of her pleading and crying (literally) she was a perfect 107. I feel like a jerk for doing that to her when she is so fearful of needles, and more so afraid of what number will come up. I feel like an idiot for suspecting something that wasn't even there. I feel guilty for going back on my promise to not poke her anymore. I had to explain that it is my place to keep her safe and with every symptom in the book, I had to make sure she is okay. I still feel horrible though. I really believed that she was going to be in the 200's. I thank god that she wasn't. Hannah is just a normal, growing, hungry and emotional girl. Hooray!

Now every time she is hungry an hour after eating I will just smile and be happy that she is growing. She isn't high. When she is emotional and out of sorts I will understand that she is 11 going on 16. I hate that Diabetes has made me paranoid of Hannah's future health. I hate that I always wonder if it is secretly working its evil inside my healthy childs body. I promise to get myself in check and STOP wondering and worrying. Next time I question I will ask Josh to give me a quick slap in the face. -ugh- What a horrible thing I have done to Hannah.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Huge realization in my life

Yesterday I recieved an upsetting phone call from the family that won our puppy in the JDRF Promise Ball Auction. The puppy has a serious heart murmur, a probable Aortic Stenosis. The outcome means Congestive Heart Failure, early death if not sudden death from exertion. I am devasted mostly for the family and the puppy herself. Then I was angry because NOTHING in our lives seems to ever work out smooth sailing as planned.

Timing of our surprise litter of puppies was perfect. We were so happy to be able to support JDRF fundraising by donating a puppy. We wanted all our puppies to have a great home, make a family happy and it was as simple as that. But, we ALWAYS have something go wrong, ALWAYS. To tell the truth sometimes that gets both Josh and I down. We wonder what we have done wrong in life to be dealt so much crap. Now, we don't sit around and wallow in our wondering the "whys" or spend time pittying our issues, but man it makes us mad!!! And yes, I must say, things could always be worse. We still have our health, our home and jobs, a great supportive family and friends, so we appreciate what we have in life. But sometimes you just feel like enough is enough! Can't anything just work out right? Sometimes it is all the little life frustrations that add up!

So, I spoke with the family again today and they decided to keep the "sick" puppy because they love her already and are attached of course! They are thinking that if the puppy lives a short life then perhaps another dog's presence can help to buffer the loss for thier children when the time comes, and I understand the concern. My heart is just breaking for them, the children and the poor little puppy! I stressed to them that I want them to do what they feel is right for their kids sake, and make the decison that they see as the best solution to this terrible situation. I want them to be happy and content with their choice. They decided to also come pick up our last puppy that we call "Harlee" ......yes, the puppy that we have all ourselves become very attached to over the last 9 weeks.

So I suddenly realized that we still have one puppy for a reason. My mother in law who was going to keep him decided it wasn't best for him with her working long hours. Great I thought! That just figures! So we were left with finding him a suitable home. This remaining puppy is the answer to this families dispair! (maybe not the answer, but at least they feel better) Here they are with a puppy that they have bonded with and it turns out to have a unfortunate (at the fault of none) congenital heart defect. How horrible is that? If we didn't have another puppy to offer them we all would have felt horrible about the outcome of the frickin' charity auction to begin with! A sick puppy, a family faced with future complications in a pet they love, and nothing for them to show for $5000 that was donated by their generous family! I would have felt guilty for life!

My realization is this.....SOMEHOW, it ALWAYS works out in the end for us. No matter what burden we are faced with, we end up okay in the end. Maybe even in a better place. It isn't that we are "cursed" with "bad luck" at all!! We are continually blessed with an answer, a solution, a better outcome, and we are always ok. How is that for a realization today?!! This seriously hit me like a ton of bricks as I was complaining about how this is "just our luck" and I can honestly say I am seeing our short-comings in a different light from today on.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Changes, changes, and worry

Maddison is needing some micro managing all around the last few weeks. I have been correcting instead of making changes, becuase I STILL dont see a pattern. It is random from day to day. I even considered the different contents that make up her meals each day and time of day.

If people knew how Diabetes changes month to month (sometimes week to week or day to day) then us parents that manage our children would be recognized world wide as Diabetes Specialists without even needing a degree. We are amazing for what we know as parents of children with Diabetes! Did you know that we can see growth spurts, illness that isn't even there yet, stress, and weather changes all reflected in their fluctuating blood sugars? Then we must makes changes to avoid the highs and lows, and we first must question.....change a ratio? change a basal? change the sensitivity? It is irritating and it can be really scary too when the change causes serious lows.

I started studying her morning numbers after breakfast since you dont want highs and lows effecting her school work and performance. Some days were perfect, some high and some low. Then last night I started studying her nightime. The problem there is the eating too late into the night (after 7pm) If Maddison falls asleep with food digesting I swear the blood sugar result ends up different than if she had still been awake. I usually make sure that her last meal dose is done acting before I send her to bed to avoid this, and avoiding the chances of a low that she doesn't wake up for! But, after 15 months of being a food naitze and denying food after 7pm I gave in. I will eventually have to figure it out.

I figured last night was perfect! 140 with no active insulin, a great night to check some basals. NOT SO! I decided to sleep a whole 3 hours without getting up to check her and she was 337!!! WTF??? I was so pissed. That never happens unless she has undigested food, but I am SURE she didn't. We will see what tonight brings. Sometimes it seems like I may never get to sleep a straight 3 hours at night.

And then there is my Hannah. I am really trying to set aside my "knowing" that her diagnosis is right behind her. I am trying to just let it go, even though I know her fasting numbers are too high. She is having alot of headaches. She eats all the time, then has the mood swings. She gets alot of stomache aches, or times when she says she feels weird. How can I ignore those symptoms? I debate this in my mind every day. I should take her in for an A1c but I know that she isn't high all the time yet. I know that post prandials are her problem. I just know. I am torn on what the right thing to do is. I know when the time comes I will KNOW it, and will act then. There is nothing you can do to prevent this from happening to her. BUT, we could TRY. She could participate in the Trial Net studies, but she refuses for her fear of needles. Research has found that starting on small doses of basal insulin in the early stages can prolong beta cell life. I believe that is what happened with me and Maddison being that we are still on such small doses of insulin. We were both found early, and Hannah could be too if I stop my walking on eggshells as not to upset her!!

I think tonight I will have to give her something too sweet. I am thinking Oreos. I will check her at one hour and then her fasting in the AM. If she is off, I will take her to the Pediatrician for an A1c. If she is perfectly normal, I promise to leave this alone until I can't ignore it any longer. Lets hope I am wrong.

Saturday, March 8, 2008


Last night was a bad Diabetes night x's two in our house. Maddison hit 389 and I hit 268 which hasn't happened for me in almost a year. What the hell? Was there a full moon? Up every two hours with corrections for us both (that weren't working as they should) has me feeling defeated and confused today, not to mention irritated and fatigued.

So, I was supposed to be working on an essay of how Diabetes has inspired my life. Our support group is participating in a global campaign, which is a creative expression competition to educate and bring together those with Diabetes. I am not thinking today is a good day for feeling inspired. Perhaps I should have started my essay earlier in the week on a "good" Diabetes day. But here goes. I will start my draft here.

My inspiration, my life

Diabetes came into my life when I was 10 years old. My father was Diagnosed at the age of 32. After the Doctors assumption that he could manage his Diabetes with "pills" based on his diagnosis age as an adult, my father ended up following the medical advice and remained on pills for many months. It wasn't until he went into DKA and had a finger amputation that the medical doctors decided he was Type 1 Diabetic and needed to be on insulin. 30 years ago this is the type of knowledge that even educated Physicians knew about Type 1 Diabetes. My father became the victim of lack of understanding the disease.

Fast forward to 2006. I was a happily married mother of two beautiful girls, I have a successful career and life is great. But I wasn't feeling well. I was tired enough to fall asleep at my desk, while driving, or any random time through out the day. I was thirsty. I was starving despite eating constantly. I was suddenly extremely irritable and had emotional breakdowns. I was sick. I thought I had a lingering flu because every muscle in my body ached. But, I was also in denial. That is until the day my blurry vision set in and forced me to my Doctor for my diagnosis. I knew this had been coming for quite some time. I knew in my heart. I knew early, thanks to having watched my father battle Diabetes every day. I had random symptoms for years after Non-insulin Dependant Gestational Diabetes with both my pregnancies. March 17, 2006 my own life changed forever.

I was terrified. I was terrified of the low blood sugar reactions that I knew were a common happening with Diabetes care. I remembered seeing my father often suffer serious reactions of insulin shock and stare blankly at the wall with empty eyes as his blood sugar fell dangerously low. I remember his many hospital stays for DKA that eventually lead up to kidney failure. I remember the day blindness set in, and I remember how he cried when he could no longer work to support his family because Diabetes had taken all he had. I was just diagnosed, and I already knew too much about this disease although I knew nothing about its management.

My fear quickly turned to anger in those first weeks. Then came the depression, the intense sadness and feeling alone. I had to get out of this darkness, I had two beautiful children that need me to be me again. I knew I wanted to be healthy again, to defeat the possible complications of poor management.... but I was completely discouraged and confused. Doctors had nothing to contribute to help me live with this disease. I had to educate myself. I knew that to educate myself, to take this disease into my OWN hands, that I would not have the devastating outcome that my Father today struggles with every day. My children already began to imagine me in Grandpa's place in the years to come, and asked me alot of questions based on their fear that Diabetes would defeat me too. I wanted the fear of Diabetes to end in my house. I wanted my children to know that with modern Diabetes advancements I would be back to thriving with health and happiness soon. So I turned to the online Diabetes community to speak with others that have been successfully living with Diabetes. I learned from the patients, the real experts themselves. I was taken in with welcoming ears that listened to my concerns, my complaints and fears. I was educated on different care approaches, given advice for adjusting insulin doses and taught how to actually defeat the highs and lows. I never had this type of education from any Physician. I was completely inspired by the online community and their knowledge and outlook of living with Diabetes. I was motivated and ready to begin my new life in defeating this disease and living healthy and happy again.

Nine months later, just as I was finding peace with my own Diabetes I realized my 6 year old daughter Maddison had alot of Diabetes symptoms. Although I had seen her symptoms for months even before my own diagnosis, I assumed that now I was just letting Diabetes make me paranoid. Over a few weeks she became more irritable, drinking more and suddenly wetting the bed. I KNEW this was bad news, but denial is a real thing. I had an excuse or reason for all her symptoms. It was summer in Phoenix, it was hot and drinking more meant peeing more of course! Then one morning I smelled the ketone smell on her breathe. She must not have brushed her teeth the night before, right? My family thought I was being paranoid since my recent diagnosis, and told me I was crazy. But a mom knows.

With panic I somehow pulled myself out of the denial. She was taken to the Pediatrician by my husband that day and I told him to mention I suspected Diabetes. The Doctor told him that she would be "more sick" than this if she had Diabetes. I told my husband to insist on urine check for sugar. With hesitation they obtained a urine sample. Sugar and Ketones were both present. The doctor tried to initially diagnose a urinary tract infection based on bed wetting and send them on their way. They decided to do a finger stick just in case because of my husbands persistence. 497. That number haunts me to this day, and yet again Diabetes changed our lives forever. I was so angry that my daughter was nearly misdiagnosed. She was nearly a victim of lack of Diabetes awareness, in a pediatrician for goodness sakes, in the modern year 2006!

I had just begun to accept my own diagnosis, and now I have to care for a child with a constantly changing disease? I am already emotionally exhausted from my own battles every day. I just could not accept Diabetes for my child. Although I felt educated and aware of what we were to be facing, I had no idea that this would hurt us again so much. It is an entirely different road ahead with a child that has Diabetes.

MY CHILD now faced 8-10 finger pokes a day. Multiple daily injections. But it isn't the finger pokes and injections that hurt the most. It is the knowing of the uncertainties she now faces in life. Her feeling "different" and "alone" as a child when she should be living carefree. For parents, it is the letting your guard down, to be slapped in the face with a serious low, or high and feeling the intense guilt. What hurts the most is the comments from uneducated people that think we did this to our child. Alot of people think we fed them too much sugar causing Diabetes.....Did she used to be overweight? Why are you letting her have that cake? The nighttime checks. The people that think Diabetes can be "controlled" and magically thinking it takes no more effort day in and day out. The common cold that is not so common anymore. The new school year with kids that question, teachers that have to learn the seriousness the hard way, with our child being the one that pays the price. Its the little girl that can't have sleep over's at her friends house. (someday soon I promise you that you can!) The haunting feeling you have when your child hoovers in the danger zone of highs for days. And knowing that nothing I have done to make it better can change that. The ketones that make you secretly cry in fear. The trampoline that makes me feel guilty for hating it. Summer swimming that takes planning, and a summer that is a learning experience at the mercy of our child that just wants to play, run and have fun all day. The constant adjusting. Always adjusting a dose and having to wait and watch to see the result. And praying that the adjustment is the right answer. The low that it caused. The high that it induced. Trying to take control. Day after day after day, after hour after hour. That 42 that you catch at 3am just when the last few weeks were so predictable. And knowing the possibility of what could have happened had you not checked that night. The sleep you will lose for the next few weeks as you try to forget the possibilities. A daughter that wants to have a cookie at the grocery store, and the man that feels he needs to speak his experience of Diabetes when he sees you use your insulin pump. The leg that he is missing. The words he speaks that poisons your child's mind and causes fear. The A1c that hasn't budged since your last appointment, despite your constant diligence in always managing better. Fearing that maybe your best effort isn't good enough. Wondering if she is just angry or is she high or low. Having to poke her finger to rule that out first. The siblings that live in fear and hurt too. Trying every day to be optimistic when you just don't know what the next blood sugar will bring for YOUR CHILD! Hating your insulin pump because people stare at it. Having to stop your play and check your blood sugar. That is why Diabetes hurts us the most.

You try to stay strong for your child, but those first few weeks I was a mess. An emotional train wreck. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was again living with constant fear in my life. Constant worry, after I promised Diabetes would not defeat ME, here I was again in a serious state of depression and wanting to seclude myself and family from the world. I was so angry. I felt so defeated in managing a child's diabetes. This was nothing like my own. Once again I found an online support group, this time for parents of children with Diabetes. Thanks to these parents, the experts themselves, they helped me to grieve, laugh, cry, rejoice in our achievements and educate myself on the road ahead with Diabetes in a child. I slowly came out of my darkness once again after months of going through an unspeakable roller coaster of emotions. If it wasn't for the online support and education from those parents I am not sure I would have gotten to where I am today.

Today, nearly two years since my diagnosis and 15 months after my child's diagnosis I am a changed person. I cherish every day for the good things, and carry with me the appreciation that we that we have Diabetes, a manageable disease. We could have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. But we are still alive, healthy and thriving, living life to its fullest every day. In some strange way we were given alot with our Diabetes. We have more compassion for others, for their differences, for their own struggles, whatever they may be. Our family has a stronger commitment to our health and each other. We find within ourselves a higher sense of strength, determination and accomplishment just for living this battle every day. Every day really is an accomplishment. We carry a sense of pride that we are who we are, and that we have the knowledge now to educate others about Diabetes.

Despite the fact that I may never accept Diabetes for my child, we have still in alot of ways been inspired. Our family is inspired to support other families by reaching out to them with a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and the promise that we will get through this and help each other in any way possible. We can and will educate others about Diabetes. We can make a difference in our lifetime by supporting research and educational programs. We can instill confidence and determination in our children, ourselves and others to live healthy with Diabetes. We have a manageable disease, once that in 2008 continues to make miraculous strides towards finding better treatment options and in the future, a cure.

I have been inspired by the adults on the forums that helped me though my own first months with Diabetes. More so, I have been inspired by the parents of children with Diabetes through online forums. They have all taught me that through simply "being there" for other parents you leave an impact on each ones life and outlook of the future.

The person that inspires me the most, every day, is my daughter Maddison. As a little girl that has been through so much in the last 15 months, she always wears a smile on her face. Diabetes hurts her alot sometimes, and she always seems to make peace and move on. She is always forgiving. She lives life as though Diabetes is not even there and never lets her highs or lows keep her down for long. She is resilient, strong and even more confident now. Many times she is found educating her friends about Diabetes, and that makes me proud. She has the physical strength to ignore the constant poking and pump site changes without complaint. At the tender age of 7 that she knows that she must always take care of herself to promise her well being and health now and in the future. She believes in a cure. She maintains her innocence while secretly battling alot of emotions and physical feelings inside. Although she voices her sadness, worry and anger sometimes about Diabetes, she never complains. Every person, family and child with Diabetes is my motivation to help support efforts to find a cure. Every child with Diabetes is my inspiration to make a difference though education, support efforts and by reaching out to others every day in my lifetime. I guess in the end, something good can come from Diabetes after all.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

390 and 46

Oh how it sucks when Maddison and I are both out of range. Talk about a slap in the face. Maddison has had some whacky numbers, all random of course thanks to a touch of a cold. She was 390 at bedtime the other day. YUCK! Poor girl. I haven't had a number over 250 myself since diagnosis and I remember what those kind of highs feel like. Its feels like you have the flu and every muscle in your body is heavy. You want to sleep it off, but even while you sleep you are keenly aware how your body feels. It is heavy, slow and achy. Thirsty enough to drink gallons. GRUMPY. Perhaps you can't think straight. I always wonder why Maddison can't tell she is high? I guess most kids can't, Maddison has never been a complainer and is very pain tolerant which doesn't help to detect feeling off.

So as Maddison's meter beeped a 390, mine rang in at 46. What the hell? I had no idea! I was just checking in before bed. I didn't feel low at all. That is a bit scary. Ah, yes. I have been in the 70-120 range for about a week straight thanks to getting back into the workout routine. Fabulous. Now I have to adjust everything.

46 is a reminder that the tighter control you have, the more Hypo's you risk. Ah, isn't Diabetes grand? Who's evil joke is this disease anyway? Too low is dangerous, too high is harmful. That's right, we are expected to be perfect aren't we? Don't eat that....exercise more.....adjust this....figure this out.....count every frickin carbohydrate you put in your mouth. Yes, even that 1c sugar free gum! And they say not to let Diabetes run your life! HA! It would help if we didn't have to think of it 24/7/365. And oh yea, double that for me with two in our house.