Friday, December 28, 2007

Newly diagnosed

There have been a lot of posts lately on CWD forums from parents with newly diagnosed children. Every time I hear from these parents I am completely heart broken. The pain, fear, frustration, confusion and guilt is heard in each and every parents post. I usually end up counting my blessings that Maddison was diagnosed at 6 and not 2 as it seems so many kids are. I just could not imagine. I feel so bad for the parents that have toddlers with Diabetes. I was trying to find the right words for how bad I feel, but there just aren't any that could explain. You parents out there are amazing!

For the first 4 months after Maddison was diagnosed, I was a serious mess. I nearly lost my job, I would cry all the way to work, and all the way home. Heck, I just cried all day every day for months. I was so overwhelmed with the possibilities of lows at night, lows at school, or just lows period. I was overwhelmed that I had to poke my daughter 10 times a day and draw blood to keep her alive. I hated giving 4 injections a day. I hated counting carbs and sometimes (too many times) getting it wrong. Talk about guilt. I hated people asking me if we had her "stabilized" yet. I hated them telling me it would be okay. I just could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Month 5 was getting better, then we started the pump and all the emotions and concerns started all over again. What a lot of work the pump transition is! It took at LEAST 3 months to be happy with the pump, to feel like it was paying off and we were doing better, being more "stabilized" and more in control.

Fast forward to one year 12-4-2007. This is just life as we know it. It is just what we do. I wish all the new parents to Diabetes could know in their hearts that it will be okay. I never believed that the sadness goes away. I never believed that this life could be so routine. I never believed that we could be happy again. But we are. We are back on track despite the constant changes, highs, lows and stress of the disease itself. The problem with Diabetes though, is that you just learn to accept the fact that you will have highs. Sometimes a lot of them. Sometimes there isn't an explanation. A lot of times there isn't. You still hate it, you still battle in your mind everyday. But, you deal with it and move on. (most days) There really is no use in wallowing in the why's and being pissed off at your meter. (took me a long time to learn that!) It isn't anything you did wrong. This is just Diabetes. Now it is easier to make adjustments, you feel more confident and less guilty in your decision making. You still cry, you still get angry....but somewhere your outlook changes along the way. Somewhere, you learn to live again. It was scary in the beginning, and we still have scary days. But, you know that for all the scary times, life is continuing and we are amazing for what we do every day to stay alive......alive and healthy!

So for the newly diagnosed, I never thought that I would say it, I never thought I would get here, but it really will be okay again. You will end up a more caring, appreciative person in the end. Stronger emotionally, spiritually, with more diligence and determination. It's hard to believe that something good actually comes from day soon you will see.


Shelley said...

*tears* Nicely written.

i dont care said...

I'm still not there with the something good coming out of it. This is only going on month 6 for us. Everything you said is true, Even tho we're not pro's yet but we still arnt "new" when ever i read on CWD about a new diagnoses my heart aches for the family. I remember how lost and how alone I felt when Presley was Diagnosed, to look at my 19 month old baby, and know that her life was going to be harder than her classmates broke my heart. A million things about it didn't seem fair, and there were no words to discribe how i felt and I think no words to make me feel better. So I hear ya when it comes to the newly diagnosed on CWD. I was them with a small child, hell i still am, she's only 2 and it's not easy. It's hard when they can't tell you how they feel, when they dont understand they need to eat the food you just gave them insulin for. it sucks =)

Anonymous said...

This is beautifully written. Thank you for this.