Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Day 3 of 3 and No Words

Today is day 3 of watching Maddi's numbers closely, the day I would be making adjustments *IF* she were still running crazy high. But she isnt. -SIGH-

Today is a different day, not the same as the pattern I've seen over the last 2 days. Well, actually its been about a week since numbers have been behaving...but like always, throw in a decent day here and there and you cant really follow the 3 day "time to make changes" rule now can you?

Maddi called me from school this morning just 2 hours after breakfast. 1.65units still working with a 94 blood sugar. She said she is sure she is dropping fast. UGH. As much as I REALLY wanted to tell her to take just 8c of quick sugar, I also had a nagging image in my mind of her going VERY low like she said she feels is about to happen. So, I had her double it up to 16c and asked her to recheck in 15. I never heard back from her.

I did ask her to call me back with her new number, but, she is at school. She is busy. She is between classes....I know she will do what she's gotta do based on the next finger poke....but my brain just doesnt stop the what if's.

What if she dropped REALLY low and hasnt called me back because the Nurse is dealing with Glucagon and calling the Paramedics?

What if she went back to class without re-checking? What if she sits pale, quiet and unable to help herself get more sugar without anyone noticing?

What if she is wandering around campus confused?

What if she only needed to "bump up" her number with 8c and now she is sitting too high until lunch? I'll be SO pissed if I made the wrong decision!

Day 3, the day I was sure I'd be increasing insulin across the board. Today is the same as yesterday. Same breakfast. Same activity level...but Diabetes doesnt care.
For whatever reason, today is different than the last 3 days. This is exactly why sometimes it takes SO LONG to get numbers "under control."

Damn Diabetes. Frustrated. Irritated....TIRED. Constant. Constant. Constant.

On another note, we moved last week! Packing, lifting, unpacking, cleaning, cleaning, and MORE cleaning! Zooming around non-stop in the AZ heat....I dont think I saw a blood sugar over 90 for an entire week!! 30's, 40's and 50's were haunting me, even despite my reduced basal rate, no bolus for food consumed and drinking G2 continually. My whole body still aches!! Some nights I was afraid to go to sleep because I feared not waking up. Even worse, I missed several of Maddison's night checks out of shear exhaustion and not hearing my alarm. As I rushed into Maddison's room those mornings, I was pleading in my mind "please be ok" over and over as my heart pounded in fear of finding her low, sick from being in DKA, or finding her dead in bed.

No words can really describe how you feel in those moments as you rush into your childs room knowing you missed a blood sugar check!!

FINDING her SAFE and ALIVE is all that mattered. I would spend the day SO angry at myself for missing her night check, yet so grateful she was ok.

Day 3 of 3 today, not sure what tomorrow brings. And then, the Blue Candles appear on Facebook this morning. Blue candles represent a life taken too soon from Diabetes.

This time, a seven year old boy who has been living with Diabetes since the age of 2. My heart aches for this family. Tears fill my eyes, a lump in my throat, and again, my heart is pounding. There are just no words.

This could have been us. This could BE us.

There are just no words.

Only silence....


Denise aka Mom of Bean said...

We're on day two of three for trying to figure out school basal rates. Fun.

Last night could have been a scary night for us if Bean hadn't woken at 52...we had done multiple things to get her down from 470 and then had to boost her at 95, thinking she'd even out. Sure, it was 5 minutes before my alarm would have gone off, but I was exhausted and who knows if I would have heard it. And, yeah, we have the dexcom for backup, but sometimes I sleep through those beeps and buzzes, too.

Hate, hate, hate this disease!!!

Reyna said...

Ahhh...Man...relating to so much of your post. The seven year old's death is on so many of our minds. Thinking of that family and am well aware it can be any of us. Love you.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Sigh. What truths you speak.