Avoiding

I have purposely been avoiding the Endocrinologist. For Maddison its been nearly 6 months since her last appointment, and I havent had one for almost a year!! There, I said it!! Now I feel less guilty for some reason :)

Why on earth would I avoid our FABULOUS Endo? Well, because hearing our A1c does nothing but make me question my efforts and abilities to tame this beast. Im never "happy" with the number. (even when my own A1c was 6.5% for over 2 years I still wanted it back down to 6.2%!!!) I always think that our A1c's are either too high, or too low....so, for now Im deciding to schedule appointments less often. Im stepping back from the "report card" because I honestly don't need (another) number making me feel like Im never good enough. (Im already hard enough on myself!!) For now Im choosing to let Diabetes be a more of a "nothing" in our life, instead of an "everything." Im choosing to stop worrying about that ONE number, and will instead keep focus on ALL the numbers and what I need to adjust to fix them. Does this even make sense?

Did Maddison's last A1c reflect that my efforts in managing Diabetes had been lacking? No, not at all. Maddi's A1c was simply a reflection of insulin needs increasing all over the place, and me not being able to keep up, while also trying to keep her safe from lows. I know that in my mind, but somehow that stupid A1c makes us crazy anyway.

I should mention that Maddison's last A1c was her highest EVER (still in the "recommended" range) so perhaps that has alot to do with my mindset of avoiding appointments for my mental health.....but you see, the problem with an A1c is that it doesnt necessarily reflect effort or knowledge. Seeing an A1c result also isn't going to change ANYTHING I'm doing, because Im constantly TRYING to micromanage numbers anyway. It seems by the time we are in for the appointment Ive already made the "suggested" insulin dose changes anyway, so I end up being irritated that they "suggest" anything because at that point Im just waiting to see results!

Truth is, an A1c is only going to make me FEEL like a failure. I dont need to feel that way and I dont need to hear the A1c result to know what needs to be done. I can see it in the numbers every single day! Sometimes I think this whole micro-managing thing is just too much, in SO many different ways.

Maddison may have recently had her highest A1c's ever, but I still logged EVERYTHING daily. I still woke up chasing numbers every 1-3 hours overnight most nights, and we still checked blood sugars every 2-3 hours during the day. I still made changes to insulin dosing as often as I safely could, yet she still had the highest numbers EVER. What more could I have done? That stupid A1c hurt my heart.

Because it wasnt reflective of how I THOUGHT we were doing.

Because it wasnt reflective of the overwhelming amount of time I spent looking over logs and making changes.

Because it wasnt reflective of anything I wasn't already adjusting every chance I could!!

So, Im stepping back. Do you REALLY need an Endo appt every 3 months? Do you REALLY need an A1c drawn that often? What does that result change if your efforts and knowledge arent changing? Exactly.... NOTHING. For me it changes nothing but how I feel about myself and this disease. Im avoiding the A1c's for awhile from here on out, but dont let that confuse you, Im still putting every same bit of effort into managing this damned disease!

My A1c? Well, thats another story. Ive been lazy with my carb counting that used to be "perfected" with each morsel consumed, and Ive been lazy with eating too much crap. Ive been lazy without workouts (does walking the dogs count?) and Ive been lazy without making basal changes where Im pretty sure they should be made. Why? Because sometimes we get lazy, and sometimes doing "good enough" is all that you have to give. -Sigh-

Two higher A1c's than I want, both for very different reasons. Over the years Ive learned its not as much about the number, as it is about your honest effort and mental health. So for now, Im avoiding that silly A1c check for both of us, because to me, it really is more harm than good!