Our school nurse just called. Maddison is 510!!!!!!!! No ketones. Now I am left sitting here at work to wonder how Dad will handle this one, and what the hell happened! Wanting to rush home and battle this demon myself. The nurse mentioned Maddison came down to be bolused for a treat of M&M's in class after lunch. She was 337 at that time an hour ago!! WTF!!?? I would never feed her when she was 337, and certainly not a sweet treat. Why didn't the nurse call me when she was 337!!??
But guess what? Last year when we were new to Diabetes Maddison had a holiday class party. She was some crazy number and the nurse called asking me if she could have the treat that was being passed out. I said no, becuase she was too high, send it home for later. Well, after school Maddison cried the the most heart wrenching cry. She sobbed so much she lost her breath. She explained to me that all the other kids enjoyed their cookies and they questioned why she couldn't have any. She sat there silently, hurting inside. Feeling different. Feeling left out. Feeling resentment for this !@#$#^%$ disease. I cried my heart out that night too. I never stopped to think about the emotions for her to have this disease as a little girl. She needs to be a kid. And I promised I would never deny her a sweet treat in school again just because of a high number. A number that can be fixed. But did I really mean it?
If the nurse would have called me on the 337 that started this road to the 510 I would have said something like "What the HELL??" Something is wrong with the pump. She never sees a number like that for no reason. My mommy radar would have said check the site, check the tubing, check the bolus history! Something is wrong with the pump. But the nurse followed my written orders. She dosed to correct the high, dosed for the treat and never denied Maddison anything. Just-like-I-said-she-should-do. She had her come back an hour later to make sure she was ok, and she wasn't. She was 510. Obvious pump failure. So, long story short.....I sat tortured at work not knowing why my child is 5 times higher than normal. Called Dad (who rushed to pick her up with a syringe in hand) ordered him to check this, check that. He finally finds torn tubing at the Resevoir. Great. At least there is an explanation. I hate when there isn't.
So, I am left wishing the nurse called me sooner for the 337. But she did everything she should have done. I'm not upset becuase she hit 510 after a pump failure. (well yes I am!) Mainly, I am left to worry about denying her a sweet treat at school in the future because she is high. Can I go back on my promise? Should I....to protect her health? What about her eyes, her kidneys, her future? I know we will face this again eventually at some point. This is Diabetes for goodness sakes! 337's just happen!!
Today's chaos brought back that day I made her the promise. I can hear her crying, and her sweet little voice telling me how sad she was that she was the only kid without. I can feel my heart breaking all over again. Damn, I hate you 510!!!! I despise the decisions I am forced to make with this damn disease. A lose/lose situation so many times. But I guess Maddison gains being like everyone else if I ignore the numbers at treat times? I dont know, but either way I feel like the worst parent in the world. I could weigh the pros and cons here all night, but now I am mentally drained from all the pondering what is the right thing to do in the future. I'm off to hide from this debate in my mind. I'm crawling into bed early, and as always...Diabetes wins with the emotions!
Moving my blog again
5 years ago