Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Damn you 510

Our school nurse just called. Maddison is 510!!!!!!!! No ketones. Now I am left sitting here at work to wonder how Dad will handle this one, and what the hell happened! Wanting to rush home and battle this demon myself. The nurse mentioned Maddison came down to be bolused for a treat of M&M's in class after lunch. She was 337 at that time an hour ago!! WTF!!?? I would never feed her when she was 337, and certainly not a sweet treat. Why didn't the nurse call me when she was 337!!??

But guess what? Last year when we were new to Diabetes Maddison had a holiday class party. She was some crazy number and the nurse called asking me if she could have the treat that was being passed out. I said no, becuase she was too high, send it home for later. Well, after school Maddison cried the the most heart wrenching cry. She sobbed so much she lost her breath. She explained to me that all the other kids enjoyed their cookies and they questioned why she couldn't have any. She sat there silently, hurting inside. Feeling different. Feeling left out. Feeling resentment for this !@#$#^%$ disease. I cried my heart out that night too. I never stopped to think about the emotions for her to have this disease as a little girl. She needs to be a kid. And I promised I would never deny her a sweet treat in school again just because of a high number. A number that can be fixed. But did I really mean it?

If the nurse would have called me on the 337 that started this road to the 510 I would have said something like "What the HELL??" Something is wrong with the pump. She never sees a number like that for no reason. My mommy radar would have said check the site, check the tubing, check the bolus history! Something is wrong with the pump. But the nurse followed my written orders. She dosed to correct the high, dosed for the treat and never denied Maddison anything. Just-like-I-said-she-should-do. She had her come back an hour later to make sure she was ok, and she wasn't. She was 510. Obvious pump failure. So, long story short.....I sat tortured at work not knowing why my child is 5 times higher than normal. Called Dad (who rushed to pick her up with a syringe in hand) ordered him to check this, check that. He finally finds torn tubing at the Resevoir. Great. At least there is an explanation. I hate when there isn't.

So, I am left wishing the nurse called me sooner for the 337. But she did everything she should have done. I'm not upset becuase she hit 510 after a pump failure. (well yes I am!) Mainly, I am left to worry about denying her a sweet treat at school in the future because she is high. Can I go back on my promise? Should protect her health? What about her eyes, her kidneys, her future? I know we will face this again eventually at some point. This is Diabetes for goodness sakes! 337's just happen!!

Today's chaos brought back that day I made her the promise. I can hear her crying, and her sweet little voice telling me how sad she was that she was the only kid without. I can feel my heart breaking all over again. Damn, I hate you 510!!!! I despise the decisions I am forced to make with this damn disease. A lose/lose situation so many times. But I guess Maddison gains being like everyone else if I ignore the numbers at treat times? I dont know, but either way I feel like the worst parent in the world. I could weigh the pros and cons here all night, but now I am mentally drained from all the pondering what is the right thing to do in the future. I'm off to hide from this debate in my mind. I'm crawling into bed early, and as always...Diabetes wins with the emotions!

1 comment:

Penny said...

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that I've been where you are. The decisions we have to make for our children can be very difficult.

But, I've never denied Riley a snack or treat at school no matter what the number. For example, a few months ago there was a birthday party. He was in the 300s (Unusual but it happens. He was going through some high sugars at the time.) His teacher called to see what to do. I told her to correct and let him eat and bolus. It all worked out fine.

Then, yesterday, it was the teacher's birthday and a parent brought in ice cream cake at lunch. His sugar was OK (98) but I had no idea how many carbs were in the ice cream cake. I guessed, but I must have guessed wrong because he was 276 when he got home.

But, he got insulin for the 276. It came down and it stayed down. Sometimes he has highs for no apparent reason. Yesterday he had a high because I didn't get the carb count right. I try not to beat myself up over it. Now I know that ice cream cake is more carbs than what I said.

From day one I stressed with Riley's teacher that he is to be treated like everyone else. I sent a letter to parents telling them the same thing. I let them know his only restrictions are regular soda and juice (unless he's low).

As I nurse I have been taught the holistic approach to looking at patients. I do the same with my son. He's not just a child with diabetes. He's a 5 year old that doesn't want to be any more different than he already is. He doesn't want to stand out anymore than he already does with his insulin pump in his pocket.

My goal is to let him live as normal a life as possible. If that means he runs high for a couple of hours then so be it. Quality of life is a very important part of people's lives too.

I'm sorry this is so long. It's just I remember being where you are and stressing over every single number. I've learned I can't do that. Riley is OK. His A1C is OK. And, most importantly, he's happy.

(((hug))) from one mother to another.