Thursday, September 18, 2008

Why are you testing me?

I really feel like my ability to handle stress and difficulties is being tested these days. I kid you not, every minute my day seems to get more and more complicated. I can't even use a computer without it shutting down or being so slow I might as well hand write everything. The printer at work gets jammed, only when I touch it. My Vacuum at home exploded on me, the dog ate my last pair of flip flops, the video I have been working on for weeks is blurry when I uploaded it, and the song I worked hours to get right wouldn't play. I can't get out of bed without something instantly testing me, like spilling my last bit of coffee grounds all over the floor as I did today. Every few minutes I just make a big SIGH of "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?? Really.....seriously.....I am having one of THOSE months!

After work yesterday I sat down for 2 hours reviewing Maddison's blood sugar log. I uploaded her meter to the Copilot software program. I was sickened by the erratic ups and downs that were seen graphed on the screen. I refused to go back as far as an entire month, I focused on the last two weeks. It is actually alot better than I thought, but seeing the blood sugars in a line graph over a day made me feel so shocked that we experience these extremes throughout every day. Well, Maddison does anyway. Her daily average, 168. Percentage in range, 52%!!! AHHHHH! On a better note, I was amazed to see my percentage in range at 74% and average of 128. Now I just wish I could see that same result with Maddison. In reality, I know that is nearly impossible for kids. Then, as I was saying about the testing me, my laptop died and threw me out. Imagine that!

I woke up this morning feeling very optimistic about the changes I made in Maddison's pump for today's numbers. I felt energetic (instead of depressed) for the first time in a long time when I woke up, even with my last bit of coffee spilled all over the floor. I set out to start over today. Forget Josh's employment stress, forget that COBRA is killing us. Forget about Maddison's struggles in class and try to leave that up to the school for now. Forget about it all! I just wanted to get to my boring desk job, be productive for a change, finish my day and come home to my girls. But, as always my blog suddenly turns sour. (I am really trying to have this be a happy place to blog!!)

The school nurse called at 8:30am, Maddison is 53. No big deal. Treat it. Back to class at 158. An hour later she is 33!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (which would be 3 hours post prandial) WHAT!!!????? I just thought I had mornings in a much better place!!Did I mention today is early release for school in an hour? So the nurse tells me Maddison will still have to have a snack on early release days to avoid lows. WELL! ACTUALLY she will just have to have something changed SOMEWHERE in her pump to have this NOT happen! It isn't about missing a snack lady! So after treating the low they gave her 30c of a snack and bolused accordingly. Now, I sit here at work knowing how her day is trending and freaking out that she will soon be getting on the bus with her sister to come home. What if she has another terrible low on the bus??!! Not to mention, Great Grandma (bless her heart) who is supposed to be getting them from the bus is running late at the funeral home (picking up Grandpa's ashes!)and won't be there in time to be with them. I know in my mind that they should be fine, but Mommy nerves say otherwise. Mommy nerves at 30 miles away says "Stop them from getting on the bus!!" So, thank you for Aunt Christi who works nearby. She saves my sanity and picks them up from school for me so I can actually finish a day uninterupted. Now they are going to lunch, and I am so relieved they are with an adult!

I believe I am really, honestly being tested here people! I'm doing alot of deep breathing to stop myself from losing it. You know the days. The days you feel like you just can't take another day of constant irritations. -Sigh- Tomorrow, will be a better day. Really.

1 comment:

Scott K. Johnson said...

I think it (stress/change) always seems to come feast or famine.

Sending you warm wishes of calm, steady days with no stress!