Dads Memorial

This afternoon all of our family gathered to honor and remember Dad. We had a very casual family lunch at a local steak house. The room I reserved there was a quaint and quiet little place, it was perfect. Just what we wanted. My Dad was a very casual guy, and LOVED this steakhouse. Add in cherished family, ALL 4 of my sisters, some pictures of Dad, some flowers, and lots of love with talk of memories, and you get the ideal memorial, just how we wanted it to be.

Sorry Sistas! Not the best picture!! Top row from left...ME, sister Julie from Germany, Wendy (with baby tummy)Bottom left is Angie, Mom, then Melanie! I hope someone else got some better pictures!


Anyone that knows my Dad, knows his love of classic cars. Back in the days when my Dad was healthier and feeling well, he restored old cars during his free time. His pride and joy was his 1966 Ford Pickup Truck. My Dad gave my youngest sister (Melanie) his truck when he was no longer able to drive it because of his poor vision. The right thing to do today, was for Melanie to fire up that engine. Dads truck came right along with us to his memorial......we HAD to take some fun pictures with it....


So, everyone asks, how am I doing? I'm doing GREAT actually...I know, thats scary. I'm pretty emotionally void. I seem to be stuck in denial. Somehow, I still think my Dad is coming home. Somehow, I still think he is in that SICK hospital. Somehow, I think this is all a nightmare. CRAZY. I'm afraid of the days, weeks and months that lie ahead. I'm afraid of the pain that I know I will eventually feel. TERRIFIED, actually. I have never been close to anyone that has died....this is all surreal. Its a very empty feeling. I know its there, somewhere deep inside. A few silent tears do trickle out at random times, I must admit. But so far, I'm just waiting. Waiting for the day I wake up and just want to hide from this reality. I know that day may be fast approaching. But today, I can say to myself that my Dad is in a better place. No longer is he suffering. And, I can say that without alot of grief. Its a numbness though, I know.

My Mom? She is doing well as expected, but of course she has some very painful moments that pop in out of nowhere. My sister is here from Germany until later this week and staying with Mom, I know that is helping to fill the empty house.

Blood sugars? Mine SUCK. SUCK as in, ....um.....emotional stress REALLY effects your numbers!! I'm hanging out in the 200 range often lately. 250's even seen too often!! YUCK. Damn Diabetes. As if I dont feel bad enough!

Maddison has an Endo appointment Tuesday....I KNOW her A1c will be the worst EVER. Maybe her A1c will be the trigger of my grief for my Dad.....I'm guessing it might be.... The past month I haven't been able to give Maddison's numbers the attention I used to. I've been drained. I've spent every day and night lost in chaos at the hospital. Crazy eating times. Crazy eating habits. Checking BS less. Making less adjustments because I didnt have the energy.....sounds terrible, I know. But its the truth. Diabetes wasn't the main thing on my brain....my Dad was. And so, Maddison's A1c is surely going to stab me in the heart. Just another reminder of how my Dad lived with this fucked up disease for so long. I hate A1c's!!!

Oh well. An A1c is what it is I guess. Its time for me to get back on the Diabetes defeat track. Dads memorial today was perfect, thats all that matters right now.

Lunch!

On Saturday my Mom, myself, the girls and all my sisters went to lunch....courtesy of my D moms of course! Thank you all again for the special gift of time of spent with family.....

Memorial video

Once again

Today I got another little package from Fedex....once again, D Moms from "everywhere" touched my heart and brought happiness to my aching heart.....



Once again, I was instantly uplifted knowing how blessed I am to have you all. From the bottom of my heart and from the depths of my soul....THANK YOU ALL so much for being supportive during this tragic time of loss! (AND ALWAYS!!)) I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! Pictures from our family dinner will surely follow! If you could only see how touched my Mom and Sisters are, they know us D Moms have something truely special.

Dad

We Wanted so much to keep you,
We watched you day by day
Until at last with breaking hearts
We saw you slip away
You wore a crown of patience,
As you struggled on and on
And the hands that rest forever,
Were the hands that were so strong.
God watched you while you suffered,
And he knew you had your share.
He tenderly closed your weary eyes,
And took you in his care.
Dear God, forgive a silent tear,
A silent wish that you were here.
Others are taken, yes, we know
But you were ours and we love you so.

Empty

Thats about it. I just feel empty. Except when I think of what my Mom must be feeling. I can't imagine her sorrow, her grief. Alone in a big empty house, knowing her husband is never coming home. I'm heart broken for my mom most of all.

We are all feeling such emptiness right now, and I think thats partly because Dad has really been gone for 4 weeks. For 4 weeks he's been away. Such a long time spent in that hospital. So many days were spent grieving before Dad even passed. Today, this still just doesn't feel real. It seems like he's still stuck in that hospital....reality just hasn't hit. How can you watch your father breathe his last breath and still be in denial? Empty doesn't feel good.

I woke up this morning over 300....that has NEVER happened. I thought emotional stress caught up with me, until I realized my site was on day 6. I simply forgot about me. Every finger poke today drew tears to my eye. Every correction I took made me nauseated inside. How can I carry on peaceful with this dreaded disease? Every finger poke. Every High. Every low.....reminds me of my Dads suffering. Diabetes took everything from my Dad, even though he did everything right. I can feel an emotional storm brewing inside.....I think I like empty better than what lies ahead.

The greatest gift

I still haven't felt anything. Nothing. I watched my Father take his last breath, and I only had a few silent tears. UNTIL arriving home tonight.....




This is the greatest gift in all my life, my D moms. D moms from all over "blogville" sent me these flowers... they were at my door when I came home.... To lift me up with love and support during this time of tremendous grief. D Moms that I only know from blog land....from our local support group.....My D moms are the greatest gift anyone could EVER ask for. We all live this same crazy life that no one could ever understand until they are here themselves. From every ounce of my being....THANK YOU for lifting me up....THANK YOU for being something good that comes from Diabetes. ((HUGS TO YOU ALL!!))