My Princess/JDRF Promise Ball 2011

On Saturday night Maddison was Princess for the night, our 4th year attending/volunteering for the JDRF Promise Ball. My girls look forward to this super fancy formal event every year. Our first year attending the Gala was in 2008 when we donated two of our Golden puppies for the live auction. Puppy #1 brought in $5,000 to benefit JDRF and puppy #2 brought in $4,800!!! We are so thankful to have had such an experience while raising money for JDRF!!


From that night forward, Maddison became known to Gala guests for her super cute smile and inspiring attitude towards her Diabetes. For four years now many returning Gala guests have watched Maddsion grow up, some even seek her out on Gala night just to say Hello and give a big hug. Maddison really does become a Princess for the night, and her smile will light up the night time sky!!

Maddison stands a little more proud on Gala night, as do I when I listen to her tell her diagnosis story to those who ask. Tears fill my eyes often on these nights, as I see the way Maddison speaks with such maturity and confidence about her disease. Maddison always tells her story with a bright smile on her face, and cheer in her voice. She captivates guests with her drive and desire to help fund for the cure, while acting as though Diabetes is just a minor part of her life. Maddison really is a Princess in my eyes :)Even my Hannah beams with pride for Maddison as she has her chance to shine on Gala night. Hannah is always supportive, always concerned, and always proud of her sister. I have the two Princesses I've always dreamed I would have....I just never dreamed Diabetes would be a part of who they are.

Flip Flopping

3 days of post breakfast highs for Maddie equaled some basal increases a couple weeks ago. Luckily, I've been able to flip back to her "higher" basal pattern and everything works out lovely. It didnt used to be that way.

It used to be I'd have to change EVERYTHING. Dramatically. And I was afraid to do so, in fear of causing bad lows at school, even though it was obvious a "touch" of change wasnt gonna help much. I'd change this basal. That basal. 5am. Maybe 6am. This time. That time. Try this. Try that. It would take WEEKS to get things set right. It was horrible. Exhausting. The guilt of not figuring things out from one day to the next would eat me alive. Maddison's dark circles under her eyes would haunt me. Today, I'm thankful for flip flopping. Being able to flip flop already finely tuned basal patterns and have them be just right has saved my sanity lately.

Last week Maddison was high for 3 days. So, Flip, flop. MUCH better. 5 days of "perfection" followed. Two days of lows. FLIP, FLOP. Much better. We shall see what today holds. You just never know.

A thinking day

I had alot on my mind today. I didnt go there with thoughts of what happened last year on this day. I didnt go back to how those last hours played out before we finally got my Dad to Hospice. I didn't reflect back and feel heartache for every wrong day that was spent in that hospital, and I didnt feel the guilt I usually feel when I think about my Dads passing. No, today was different. Today it was all about letting go and acknowledging the PEACE my Dad now has. No more pain. No more Dialysis. No more Diabetes. Only peace, and thats all that matters now.

I was supposed to go to work after Hannah's Sports Med appointment this morning. I never made it. Xrays came back fine. She has alot of fluid on her knee, a strained MCL and ACL. No Volleyball tournament or practice this week, she is out for at least 2 weeks and an MRI has been ordered. Physical Therapy. BUMMER. I just hope now she gets to healing!

So the story goes, we were sent to a Prosthetics/Orthotics clinic to get a hinged metal brace for Hannah's knee. It just so happened to be the SAME clinic where we took my Dad for his Diabetic Shoes just before his heart attack. He loved those shoes. He used to tease me that I could have them when he died. Diabetic shoes? Nice timing to go here on the one year anniversary of my Dads passing. Today of all days. But, I was set on keeping my positive way of thinking today damn it! No tears PLEASE!!

So, when you walk into this clinic all you see are Diabetic shoes of all styles. (WHY do they have to be so ugly!?) Hannah and I were lucky to be the only two there, but of course the rush came soon enough.

It wasn't pretty. It was like pure torture I tell you! The first person through the door was an elderly man walking with a foot boot. OH SHIT. Same kind of boot my Dad wore with his "Charcot's Foot." I couldnt help but wonder if this guy had a Diabetic complication with his foot too. In came a women helping her elderly mother. That alone makes me AND Hannah tearful when we see the Elderly struggle to stay mobile! Another guy in a wheel chair came right at us...as I glanced at his leg propped half way up I could see his leg was prosthetic!! His leg was amputated from the knee down!!! As the people rolled in it was like a bad dream. Every where I looked it was something that was likely Diabetes related. It really got me thinking. About everything.

Tears filled my eyes. But Diabetes demons weren't going to win. I kept thinking to myself that these elderly men are victims of the "just take a pill" mentality. They were likely left with no education about their Diabetes, and half the time Type 2 patients aren't even given a meter, or if they are, they are just told to test once a day or so! Just a "magic" pill is supposed to make it all better says the doctor. Not even an Endo. It disgusts me. If you ask me, Diabetes complications effect SO many Type 2 patients because they are left in the dark. They are blamed for their disease. They are told they can just take a pill and watch their diet. It is such a lie. It breaks my heart. Diabetes is Diabetes. The complications are the same, regardless of how you manage it!! There shouldnt be a blame game with Diabetes!!

Then, all I heard was a big BOOM at the reception desk, and saw an elderly man fall to the floor. I was beside him in an instant, asking him if it was his casted leg that caused him to fall or something else. He looked up at me with a familiar glazed eye look, his facial color was off, and he didn't reply. He had hit his head indenting the wall on the way down, and he just sat slumped in the corner. I knew it wasn't his leg that caused him to fall. His wife seemed irritated and just said "HE IS DIABETIC" to which I replied "SIR ARE YOU HAVING A LOW BLOOD SUGAR?" Of course he couldnt/didnt respond. His wife just kept on telling me he is fine. "Just sit him in the chair" she said. So another gentleman and I helped him off the floor. I then told them I am Diabetic too, telling her maybe she should check his blood sugar...the wife just looked at me like I had three heads! "HE IS FINE" she said.

That was it. I pushed a little saying he looks pale in color. This wife didnt care. I thought about grabbing my meter and checking him myself....but who am I to say this was a low blood sugar? A doctor came out with a wheel chair and took him back right away, and that was it.

I just sat thinking about how Diabetes SUCKS. And Hannah cried. Hannah has a soft heart for the elderly. She didnt need to see that poor man falling to the floor, today especially. She also didnt need to hear it was likely a low blood sugar. I know she worries about me and Maddison. Diabetes really IS a family disease.

We just sat quietly. I was thinking how fucked up Diabetes is. Thinking about how it is so misunderstood. Thinking about everything my Dad went through in his 30+ years with Type 1 Diabetes, when all his care providers blamed HIM for his complications. Thinking about T2 and how hard that must be. Just thinking. Was the old man ok back there? Did he need juice? I have Glucagon. Should I go ask? If this ever happens to Maddison will someone know to give her sugar? Does Maddison worry about herself? Am I managing her Diabetes well enough? Am I genetically pre-disposed to complications no matter how well controlled I am?

So much for only the positive thinking today. This was by far the craziest thinking day for me. My mind raced through ALL the questions. Sometimes I just don't know anymore. Diabetes was visible today. I hate that. I think I've thought everything I can think for now.

MERI knows BEST

Reading MERI'S POST today I realized the 3 day rule is exactly why I haven't had to change Maddison's nigh time basals (much) for many, many months now. It used to be I was changing Maddi's night time basal doses every month or so, which meant I wasn't getting any sleep. Up every hour here, every two hours there. One night high. Not the next. High again this night. High again that night. Then perfect. One night low. Perfect. Perfect. HIGH. Exactly why I ALWAYS follow the 3 day rule!

One day they sit in the sand at recess. One day they run laps. One night dinner is too carby, one night doesn't have enough protein (who know the magic amount anyway?)One night they went to bed early. Which meant growth hormones kicked in sooner. One night they stayed up too late, which meant the growth hormones weren't there when insulin dosing said they should be. One night they were in a pissy mood. The next they took a 2 hour shower. You get the point.... Every day is different.

Things have been predictable, yet not so much. The only predictable is unpredictable, which means I cant change ANYTHING! If half the nights end up great and half end up WEIRD, who is to say you should mess with the moon? We all know even the damn moon can effect numbers right!?

So I've had a very long Diabetes vacation from Maddison's numbers for awhile now.(of course I still check every 3 hours over night, that's KELLYS RULE BTW) Ive been blessed with a Diabetes vacation!! Thanks to the 3 day rule. The result is a more rested Mom. A Mom who has an ENTIRELY different attitude towards Diabetes. A Mom who thinks this isn't so bad after all. Of course, once things start to go BAZEEERKKK and my Maddison is being effected my attitude will be right back to where it used to be!! So, hear me when I say MERI knows best. Stick to the 3 day rule. It can make life a little sweeter. :)

One year ago today

Memorial video

This Day in 2010

I can't help but reflect back to last year at this time...

BEYOND CRAZY

Here in AZ the weather is amazing this week, which has helped my mood tremendously, but this time of year still haunts me deep inside. I remember every detail of this day last year. I can feel those same feelings. I can remember the conversations with the nursing staff. I can remember what I was thinking as I went in to sit with my Dad bedside every hour, on the hour. I remember holding his hand and praying for the craziness to end, even if it meant losing him.

It was gloomy outside and had been raining for days. It was unusually cold. By now I had been sitting in the corner of the CCU waiting room for the last 20 days, 12 hours at a time. My own life was at a stand still. I missed my kids. I missed my home. But I had to be there. For my Dad. For my Mom.

All day I sat, watching the rain fall down over the city, while my heart was crumbled inside. I didn't have much emotion. Just emptiness.

I couldn't believe after fighting Diabetes and every known complication for 30+ years my Dad was dying because of a hospital error. True, he set into bypass surgery as a very high risk patient. But there were so many things that went wrong. That shouldn't have. Its not the pain of losing my Dad that haunts me to this day. Its the suffering he endured before his death. Because of their mistakes. Its traumatic to watch someone suffer. So, today when I think back to January 2010 I realize it created alot of trust issues for me. Alot of anger towards health care. But, at the same time I still have the highest respect for every Medical Professional that cared for my Dad (and us) during our time in CCU. My goal for tomorrow (the day before my Dads death) is to find the letters of appreciation I wrote to his Nurses after he died. Somehow, back then I just couldn't send them. We had several very special Nurses that provided exceptional care. They listened to US, not a text book. Some went the extra mile to comfort my Dad. A few were painfully honest, even when the doctors were not. I appreciate that the most. So, tomorrow I will find those letters I wrote. I think its about time.

5.7% WEIRD

Hannah's lab work came back today with everything perfectly fine. WEIRD. You'd think with the symptoms she's been having something would have been amiss. The doctor did mention that her blood work reflected a past Mono virus exposure, though it is not currently at levels that indicate it is active now. Or something like that. Her A1c was 5.7% which is up from her last one a few years back that was 5.5%

WEIRD. Hannah's 5.7% result sent me into a reading frenzy once again.

MODY. LADA. I spent endless hours researching genetic "types" of Diabetes after Maddison's diagnosis. I personally fit both MODY and LADA criteria, (3yr honeymoon, tiny basal rates, low Cpeptide, I never produce ketones or have unexplained highs) and then came Maddison...without any T1 antibodies. WEIRD.

So, Hannah's 5.7 today sent me back to reading and researching genetic types, even though our screening with U of Chicago years back cleared us of any known MODY types....I also did some reading again today about the virus that causes Mono. Epstein Barr. Did you know it is known to trigger the autoimmune destruction of the islet cells? Interesting. Of course 95% of the population has been exposed to the virus, yet only a tiny percentage go on to develop T1.

It is all just weird. Weird, weird. 5.7 up from 5.5 is WEIRD. So is MODY. So is LADA. So are my family genetics. So is a fasting number of 107.

Anyway, today Hannah is feeling much better. No more constant dizziness. She has had some random shooting pains in the "spleen" area and nausea after eating, but otherwise she seems to be on the mend. I sure hope so! This weekend is a MAJOR tournament that starts Friday night and could run as long as Monday if her team places well! You can bet I'll be stocking up on Gatorade! I LOVE G2!! WEIRDNESS behind us...time to move forward!