A "D" Moms Mind

I cant sleep. My mind has been running wild today. I had totally convinced myself lately that Ms Hannah has Mono. Last night she started again with upper left abdominal pain or "spasms" she says, that to me, said her Spleen was freaking out. Right under her rib cage, just like you read about. Another symptom of Mono. But, Hannah's dizziness has only gotten worse over the past 24 hours. What's THAT about? Day 2 of school missed this week. Hannah LOVES school. She wants to be with her friends. She never misses school.....

All night last night Hannah complained of "not feeling right" and "feeling weirdish and floaty." And then, she asked me to check her blood sugar. MY Hannah who is deathly afraid of needles!! MY Hannah who is so TERRIFIED of seeing a wrong number pop up on the screen...asked ME to check her sugar!! Hannah is worried about how she has been feeling, which makes me wonder even more....

By the time I gathered the supplies to check Hannah's sugar, she refused. She changed her mind. -Sigh-

Hannah isn't really afraid of the finger poke.

She is afraid of the number.

So am I.

Hannah was thinking Diabetes, whereas I was considering the fact that maybe she is running lower sugars than her norm, making her feel light headed. Dizziness, lightheaded....can a child really tell the difference? I could see that maybe the start of Volleyball season is causing hypo feelings, but I didn't really put much thought into it. I surely wasn't thinking high numbers.

Hannah is gaining weight, not losing weight. She isn't drinking crazy amounts of water, and she isn't peeing like crazy. My worries of her and Diabetes were over months ago as she continued to gain weight and grow 3 inches! Us D Moms often go through these spells in which Diabetes for our other children is constantly harassing our mind. I think its normal to worry about our other children. I haven't worried about this possibility for Hannah in months. She has been just fine.

So, Hannah woke up this morning with increased dizziness. I checked her fasting sugar to see if she was running low in the mornings. She was 107, exactly where she usually is. 107. 107. 107. I know. I don't know what to say about that....but I KNOW.

I called the Doc back first thing this morning and insisted labs to be drawn, also mentioning Hannah's fasting number was 107. The Doc wanted to repeat the fasting number (Ya think?) along with all the other normal labs. And an HCG. Frickin pregnancy test! My kid is 14 and old enough for a pregnancy test! That freaks me out! You can bet that opened up some conversation with Ms Hannah today!

Being the typical D Mom, I thought why not add in an A1c while we are at it? So I checked the A1c box myself :) It would be nice if Peds knew an A1c tells more than a fasting number!

I wondered all day about Hannah while I was at work today. She was home with her Dad. WHY is she so dizzy? I questioned all the same things Ive questioned over and over. Her ears? Sinus related? Dehydration? Does she have positional blood pressure issues? Her sodium levels? Man...I hope it isn't something with her heart. I didnt even go there with the OTHER thoughts we need not mention. Just all the same questions ran through my mind.

Then I thought about it. I should have known my D mom instincts would again head that way...

Maybe her dizziness is in fact the feeling of being lightheaded? As in, low blood sugar. The D Mom thoughts started flowing. I couldn't turn them off. It all just made sense. It started to fit together like a puzzle. I wanted to concentrate on work, but I couldn't. In my crazy over active D Mom mind I was convincing myself that Hannah was having a new, slow onset of Diabetes!!!

My D Mom mind went racing. The voice inside my head went something like this.....

Maybe 107 IS low for her. Maybe she feels low at 107 because she runs in the 200's and 300's all day with meals!! Maybe fasting overnight is the only thing that brings her sugars back to normal. Is 107 fasting really ok? OMG....her A1c is going to come back as Diabetic! What the fuck is wrong with the genetics in my family!!??
Sitting at work, my D Momma brain took over! My heart was seriously palpitating. Somehow, I went from suspecting "simple" Mono to being 100% certain in my mind that Diabetes was striking AGAIN! It was horrible! It took me a good hour or so to talk myself out of panic. I completely believed that Hannah felt low at 107, which meant 107 was low for what she is used to running.... My crazy mind thought maybe I was in denial-again.

The voice screamed out.....She IS running high all day!

I went for a walk. I told myself that Hannah IS FINE! I told myself over and over and over again that she is gaining weight! She cant have Diabetes! Her fatigue is because she is a crazy active, growing teenager! She is FINE!!! Somehow I talked myself down off the D panic ledge.

Crazy D Mom I am!!

So, we wait and see what Hannah's A1c is. Right now I'm sure its fine. I refuse to check her sugar myself after she eats...because I have no reason to, right?

YEP. That's what I'm sticking with. Tomorrows labs will show Hannah's A1c is fine, and that I am crazy. Maybe she does have Mono. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe there isn't an explanation. That would be even better. For now this D Momma has laid her crazy mind to rest. Time to check Maddy, treat my low and get some sleep. -Sigh-

Dizziness...cold and clammy...say WHAT?

Hannah's first Volleyball tournament of the year was Saturday, she didn't sit out for any of the 5 matches (12 games) because she is the only "setter" on the team. So, Hannah played her heart out (14 saves complete with dives to the floor) from the first game at 3:00pm until the last match at 10pm. That's 7 hours of some serious playtime! Needless to say, Hannah was sore, bruised and very tired by the time it was all said and done. She slept 13 hours that night!

On Sunday morning Maddison, Josh and I were at the Hassiyampa River Preserve to go bird banding EARLY. It was 27 degrees outside when we arrived, and **I** actually survived! Hannah stayed home to sleep in of course!

Around 11 Hannah texted me to let me know she was awake but she felt terrible. Cold sweats, pounding headache, stomach ache, sore muscles and bad dizziness. I told her to drink lots of water, take meds and replenish with Gatorade. When we got home she just looked horrible. She was so cold and clammy I almost panicked! Her skin was moist. WET! She was Pale. Wrapped in blankets. Too dizzy to walk around much. I figured she was pretty dehydrated on top of not feeling well lately and the hours of Volleyball caught up with her. After 32oz of Gatorade she perked up a bit.

She laid around all day, in and out of sleep. I was growing more worried, but since she has been achy and tired with random headaches and dizziness for about a month on and off now I figured we'd wait and see how she felt with more rest and fluids. She fell asleep soundly on the couch with me at 6pm last night, and I had to walk her to bed by 9! She just was THAT tired.

So, I checked on Hannah at midnight,(Drink Drink) then at 3am (Drink Drink) and I finally tried to wake her up for school this morning at 6. She just couldn't get up. She wanted to puke. She was dizzy. So I let her sleep and skip school while and I went to work knowing her Dad would be home from work shortly. (He just started midnight shifts) I called Hannah many times from work. I was worried. No answers. She ended up sleeping until 11am again! Finally not cold and clammy!

So...anyway...I've been thinking for weeks now that Hannah likely has Mono because she has been having dizziness, random pounding headaches, stomach aches, muscle aches and CRAZY fatigue for quite some time. If you add in the sudden cold/clammy skin I get very worried....I felt she needed to see the doctor today because the dizziness has become just too frequent....and then the cold clammy skin? Ummmm.....

Well sheesh. All the doctor had to say was that Hannah's Strep screen was negative and her throat looks "nasty." He says she feels dizzy because her pulse is so low
(52) from being "an athlete" and her blood pressure "must be low" because "being an athlete" her heart health is "tremendous". Do you think he checked her blood pressure? NOPE. Hmmm.....he only suggested she stand more slowly when coming from a sitting or lying position. YEAH....I knew was going to say that. I checked her blood pressure when we got home...87/58 sitting and 93/67 standing. She is still continually dizzy....WTF?

Why the HELL wouldn't the doctor check her blood pressure if the main fucking complaint is dizziness!!?? And do you think he palpated her neck/lymph nodes or checked her ears to rule out some cause of dizziness there? NO HE DIDNT! I was hoping to find a reason for this dizziness by taking her to the fucking doctor, and all I ever get is comments on her "nasty throat" and a damn Strep screen! Why cant doctors do a COMPLETE exam!!??

The Doctor says maybe she is having low blood sugar. SAY WHAT!? I think NOT. The Doc suggested she eat more Protein, because you know, it helps to stabilize blood sugar. And if she eats only carbs at a meal he says her blood sugar will spike and then crash. She needs to carry snacks and eat often. I just listened and smiled. (while being REALLY irritated on the inside) He palpated her stomach, no abnormal swelling to the spleen I guess, so no Mono he says. Thats it. His diagnosis?

Ummm......Acute Pharyngitis. Say WHAT? I didn't even say her throat hurt!

Did he not hear me say she was cold and clammy after an 8 hour Vball tournament on Saturday? Why didnt he mention that she could have been dehydrated? He should have mentioned increasing her fluids and sodium before/during/after tournaments. What if I was the clueless parent!?

Need I mention this is the same doctor that Diagnosed Maddison with a UTI the day her blood sugar came back HI on the meter and he almost choked to death in shock? Moderate ketones....oh, yea..... that was because she was sick with a UTI ya know. Had Josh not requested he look for sugar in her urine and a finger poke that day Maddison would have been sent home with a UTI dx instead of a trip to the ER. NICE.

Interesting how some doctors dont learn from their mistakes. All they gotta do is be a little more thorough and LISTEN!!! I'm sure this dizziness shall pass, but GEEZ!!!!

End of the story is, if Hannah isnt feeling better in "1 week" we are supposed to come back in. NICE. Doctors these days really scare me! All we ask is for a COMPLETE exam!

They're Baaaaaccckkkkkk!

The CGM has been showing my flat lines are back! Now if I can get back to workouts I'll REALLY be proud of my efforts! Of course workouts will bring alot of insulin dose decreases, and likely some lows until I get it all figured out and balanced again. And so, thats the D life isn't it? Now if I can just get Maddison's numbers figured out! Look at this B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L picture.....





Thank you CGM for making Diabetes visable when it seems our diligience never pays off!! (I think my camera is dying, sorry for the blurry picture but it still looks good to ME!)

No Go

I'm ashamed to say, so far waking up early to squeeze in my morning workout hasn't happened this week....so right now I'm letting go of this expectation for myself. Easy excuses....I don't wake up when it's cold! I'm too tired because I'm fighting insomnia, and worst yet, I've been having serious clotting with my period that has left me anemic and frickin exhausted and drained to be honest! Looks like 2011 will in fact be the year I can no longer avoid a Hysterectomy!

I'm sure that was too much information, but its reality for me right now. Call it excuses, fatigue, illness...whatever it is, its leaving me feeling like a big fat ball of laziness lately. I'll get back to workouts eventually, but right now I need to focus on sleep. Waking up an hour early is simply a no go until I'm feeling better and it warms up outside! Terrible, I know!

One good thing is, Ive got my numbers MUCH closer to where they need to be :)

The CGM is showing that pre-bolusing and low glycemic eating has dramatically reduced my spikes after eating AND kept me under 160 ALL DAY!! I might spike to around 160, whereas I was spiking to the 230 range when I wasn't watching what I was eating and wasn't pre-bolsuing. Do you know the FIRST thing I had to cut out again? COFFEE CREAMER. YEP. You know, all those yummy liquid coffee creamers? Peppermint Mocha. Hazelnut. Cinnamon Vanilla Cream. They are the devil in disguise I tell you! I knew Id have to cut out those yummy coffee creamers again! Dang it!

Coffee creamer makes me spike no matter what I do. In fact, It really has shown to screw up my whole day because I SWEAR the extra sugar rush and carbs leaves my body wanting to only eat more and more all day. You know the whole High Frusctose Corn Syrup debate? YEAH...I TOTALLY believe it. So, once again I cut out the creamer which reduced my morning sugar spikes AND reduced my wanting to eat all day. WEIRD. Damn HFCS. Back to boring old Milk and Splenda in my coffee. Not as yummy, but OH so worth it. The less carbs I eat (about 10c now instead of 25c for coffee) means less calories and less insulin bolused which means less extra weight I carry. Its a TOTAL win/win. Taste just has to suffer of course!

Maddisons new arm site sucked. One day of highs in the mornings. Then decent numbers all night. Today she was high 200's all day at school, so I had her check her ketones when she got home. What-do-you-see? Small Ketones. Thats what I get for talking about kicking D's butt on Monday I guess. I never learn, do I? Changed site= Maddison feeling MUCH better. And, now she's low of course!

Hannah has her first Volleyball tournament this weekend on her new club team for the season. She is playing with the same club as all years past, and has moved up to a 16 National team. I'm exited to get the season going! Our first BIG away tournament is in Reno in April. Any D bloggers near Reno?

Sunday we are off to the Hassiyampa River Preserve to do some more bird banding. Maddison has been doing really well in her agility classes with Callie, her instructor calls Callie a "circus poodle" because she is so happy and bouncy all the time! It is just too cute. Maddison starts private horse riding lessons again soon...part of her Christmas gift this year! Something tells me that Spring is going to be here within the blink of an eye. THANK GOODNESS!!! I am SO not a winter person!

Back to School DEFEAT and DAMN IT

So far so GREAT. My CGM shows I didnt have a number over 150 today :) I'd be lying if I said I dragged myself out of bed and my workout is what kicked Diabetes ass today. Yep. I'd be lying if I said that. So, I wont. DAMN IT. Maybe tomorrow the snooze button wont be my enemy. Hibernation. I need to get over it. Maybe I should hand out my phone number so someone can call and harass me outta bed in the morning?

Oh well, I did stick to my normal good eating habits today, and as promised I'm back to pre-bolusing!!! So, thats a plus...and my sugars surely reflected it!! Not even a spike above 150! I'm currently sitting at 109 flat lining on the CGM with zero active. I'm checking my basals tonight, and I'm 99% sure I'll be posting a nice picture of my flat lines in the morning...unless those black beans for dinner strike back....MAN, are those things s-l-o-w to digest!

And Maddison? Back to school numbers SHOCKED me today! Usually when returning to school after a vacation Maddison's numbers will be bonkers. Different waking and sleeping times throw everything off! So, I broke down and had to email the school Nurse to check on Maddie's numbers half way through the day. Sometimes I just have to know. So, I email. And, I really dont care if I'm seen as the crazy pancreas Mom. The suspense was killing me as I sat at work all day! I was sure Maddison would have wacky highs on this manic Monday, but she was 130 at morning check (3hrs PP) and 86 going to lunch. OMG, talk about making my day! 147 after school, 166 before dinner and now 107 going to bed with zero active! HALLELUJAH! Tonight is a basal checking night for her too I guess! And that is what I call Diabetes
D-E-F-E-A-T.

Of course, as of tonight Maddie's site was moved from her tush to her arm. How much you wanna bet the new arm site brings lows tomorrow? -SIGH-

D-E-F-E-A-T for one day anyway. I'll take it!

Goodbye Winter Break

Oh geez. SO not ready for tomorrow. Monday Morning. UGH. Anyone still reading my blog that remembers Maddison and Manic Mondays? Yep. Those Mondays are still a part of our lives. Ewwwwwww........the long breaks make Maniac Mondays even worse!

Maddison has already started. Complaining about school. Complaining how bored she is sitting there all day. She is totally MY child. Maddison and I can't stand to sit in boredom when there is so much life to live outside! We are outdoor girls! Miserable Monday will be here too soon, for me 5am is calling.

Today I bought new running shoes. (Damn Reyna, did you mean you ran 7 miles?) I bought a new sports bra to support my extra 5lb boobs. (The only part I like about a couple extra pounds) and I bought new resistance bands...Im good to go. My 5am alarm is set. Why do they make snooze buttons anyway? I wish they'd just have alarms that required a secret code to turn off. I'm sure I wouldnt remember the secret code in my sleep! But roll over and hit snooze? Yeah....I do that ALL the time!

Damn. I do THIS every year. January-September (or so) Im who I want to be. I work out 4-5 days a week and eat the way EVERYONE should. My blood sugars are amazing during this time, because if I work out, I am SO much more food conscious too! Im at the weight and shape I want to be. I feel good about myself. I'm HAPPY and confident. Motivated. Up every morning and ready to go. Morning workouts are a MUST. Why is it so hard to fit them in? Why can I maintain this lifestyle Jan-Sept but not year round?!

Winter. In comes the "winter" months and it screws me every time.

I dont like to wake up when its cold. (in Az, I know, dont laugh at me!) So daily workouts end up being set aside for sleep. My body must go into hibernation mode come the cooler weather because all I want to do is eat! And sleep! WHY is that? Its horrible. I hate it. But this has been ME for as long as I have known. I guess ending Winter break has some good points too.....like ending my Winter laziness. I have never once broke a New Years Resolution. I do what I say I will do....

I'm sad to send my kids back to school tomorrow. I like having the extra time off work to spend with them.....but I like (and need) structure too. Maddison's Diabetes will be different tomorrow than it has been all winter break for ME at home, thats a given. I guess the end of Winter break also means I'm back to chasing numbers.I only wonder what tomorrow's numbers will hold....

1-1-11

Good riddance to 2010! We spent New Years Eve last night with a great group of D buddies, just sittin fireside enjoying each others company. We were in bed at a decent hour, and still slept until 11am this morning! (except for sugar checks at
3am, 6am and 9am) LOVIN catching up on some zzz's for the New year!

We made cinnamon rolls for breakfast (2011 resolutions start Monday morning) and lazed around piled on the couch with my hubby, Maddison, a Poodle, a Golden and a furry kitty cat watching movies and sipping coffee. What an awesome start to 2011 :)

And then, Hannah texted me from her friends house. It wasn't anything like "good morning Mom" or "come pick me up."

Hannah's text read "Mom, do you know today is the last day I got to see Grandpa alive before he died?"

My heart crumbled. Last New Years Eve Hannah had decided to leave the Hospital and hang out with her friends for the night. She felt guilty leaving, but I promised her Grandpa would be ok and she could see him the next day. Overnight, he ended up in a state of Delirium which wasn't something for a child to see. Of course, from that day on it was all downhill, Dad ended up worse each day that followed. Delirium, Psychosis, re-intubation. I didnt want Hannah to see my Dad like that. She never did get a chance to go back and visit him. So today Hannah has a heavy heart. :(

Two hours after breakfast I was hit with a low blood sugar. A crashing 34 blood sugar (1.6u active) without many symptoms other than some slow thought processes. After treating the low I decided to go back to bed with my Hannah and watch scary movies. Im now reminded why I HATE scary movies. Whats the point!? ACK! No more for me anytime soon! Now its off to make dinner for my Mom and we'll be babysitting my sweetie Niece Sami. It will be a GREAT night, and bed early I hope! I'm drained!

Tomorrow? LAST day of Winter break!!?? Im very sad it will be ending, but SO ready to hit the treadmill Monday morning and never look back. Goodbye 2010, you SUCKED!!