Switching the Sites

Saturday Maddison had her site changed from the normal arm site, to an upper/side butt site. She is lucky she has so much baby fat on that butt of hers! I refuse to ever put a site on my butt! I tried once, and never again! It just doesn't feel right. I normally place MY pump sites on my less than beautiful love handles. :) Pinching an inch (or three) is worth it when it comes to pump sites! Good thing I gained back all the weight I lost!

ANYWAY, back to Maddison's BUM sites. They suck. They are unpredictable, and they run her sugars at LEAST 50pts higher. What was our longest streak EVER of great numbers, has ended. Trying to use the rested BUM territory has proved to not be such a good idea. HOPEFULLY these 200's to 280's are from switching back to the BUM. Hopefully her new arm site today will get her back on track. We shall see.

I suppose I could figure out different basal and ratio settings for other site areas. I tried that once with tummy sites, they run Maddison low, low, low. Arms are perfect. Butt she's high, tummy she is low......Sheesh. No wonder my brain is mush and I can't even remember what day it is. For now, I'm switching the sites back to what works. Screw the added stress of figuring out other sites. Some days you just gotta go with what works, and not try to perfect this freaking disease. Now...lets just hope it really is the site!

Gaining Weight

Thank goodness she is gaining weight. If she wasn't, I'd be a mess. The other day Hannah was shocked to see her weight has reached even with mine. I was delighted. All my girl seems to do is eat. She is always hungry. Always craving something crazy. Just like I did before I was diagnosed with Diabetes. But, also just like many teenage girls do. Still in my mind, I watch.

She is gaining weight I tell myself. Over and over and over again. Stop thinking about it, I tell myself. She isn't losing weight. Gaining weight is good. Hannah is gaining weight. Not losing. My mind stays at ease.

I've been thinking back to my own diagnosis alot lately. Because I see all the signs in Hannah. I remember how hungry I was. At the time, I was in really good shape after committing to lose the baby weight I gained with Maddison. I was running miles a day and strength training. I felt really good actually. Until the hunger set in.

I remember telling the girls at work one day how all I do is eat! Working out so much made me starving! Building muscle needed some serious protein I guess right!!?? Id eat constantly it seemed. Then came the thirst. Ive ALWAYS been a super thirsty person, so maybe the AZ summer just had me this year? I started to wake up at night to pee. I knew then. But didnt "believe" it. Achy muscles. Leg cramps at night. The headaches. Months of battling "icky" and "flu like" feelings without a diagnosis.

I started to fall asleep when reading to the girls before bed. I couldnt stay awake. On hectic school mornings I'd lose my cool and FREAK OUT. Over nothing. I'd scream and yell at my kids. I mean SCREAM like a crazy chick. Losing control of my emotions. I FELT out of control. Even my kids could see this monster looming inside of me. They just didnt know what it was.

It was then that I knew I had to admit Diabetes caught up to me. But I didnt feel "sick." I just felt terrible. "Sick" with a "disease"?????? No, I would feel worse than this if I really HAD Diabetes right? I kept thinking, I cant have a DISEASE!! I don't feel THAT bad!

Almost overnight my vision blurred. I'd sit motionless on the couch after work. A friend mentioned my weight loss. So, I decided it was time. The weight loss made me seek help. From 125lbs to 107. In a week or two. A1c 13.2%

Denial. Denial is powerful.

My Hannah. She IS gaining weight with all this eating. Thank goodness. Right?

But, my mind is racing. Randomly for months I have been awakened in the middle of the night to sounds of a flushing toilet. TWICE last night. I'd understand if it were Maddison. But its Hannah. My Hannah shows all the signs. And then they disappear.

Hannah stayed home Saturday night because she was too tired to hang with her friends. Too tired? She's been sleeping every chance she gets lately. Too tired? Ummm...NO. She cant be. She can't be too tired, because she is gaining weight!! RIGHT!!?? I'm battling these thoughts in my mind.

Sometimes she has Stomach aches and doesnt want to eat before school. She's been battling sore throats and achy muscles on and off for months. Did she SERIOUSLY just text me from her room to bring her a glass of water? Is she trying to tell me she is worried about herself too!!?? Tonight, that's exactly what she did.

We all wonder about our other children. We wonder if Diabetes will invade their bodies too. Our family? 3 generations of T1 on my side. 2 (or more) on the Husbands side. Both sides. That can't be good.

Four years ago. This very same time of year, I fought this very same feeling. But it was Maddison. Not Hannah like it is today.

I KNEW Maddison had Diabetes. I KNEW it. People thought I was crazy. They thought I was just paranoid from my own diagnosis 9 months prior. I KNEW Maddison's time had come, but somehow my mind played tricks on me anyway. I covered every excuse in the book. She is thinner because she is growing taller. She is wetting the bed because she is drinking so much, drinking so much because its 100 degrees in November. Grumpy because Kindergarten is tough! Then came her morning melt downs. Just like the ones I had before my diagnosis. I'll always remember that morning. Maddison asked me for the last time to "get a wet cloth for her tingly eyes."

Her "tingly" eyes, I knew were blurry eyes. Being 6 she just didnt know how to explain it. One denying Mom sent Maddison to the Pediatrician with Dad. Even though all I had to do was poke her finger myself. But I couldnt. I dont know why. One denying Doctor refused to test her sugar because "if she had Diabetes she would be much more sick than this." One poke. 497. Three days in Childrens Hospital. Two lives invaded. Caught early, with a 8.5% A1c. I'll always feel very fortunate for that.

We are nearing Maddison's 4th year with Diabetes on December 4th. I cant believe that now Im sitting here thinking about Hannah. Worrying about Hannah. In a way I say to myself her time has come.....I feel it. I know it. Yet, in a way I know it cant be. It couldnt be. Right? She is gaining weight. Thats all I need to know for today. She is safe. For now. I know she is. Or am I in denial? Hannah had an A1c drawn last year. It was 5.5% which didnt really make me feel any relief from the constant wonder of when Diabetes will strike again. I guess now Im just left to feel confused. Ignoring what I see, until I see the obvious. That feels wrong to me too. I dont know what feels right. I dont know what to think. Maybe I shouldnt think. Maybe I'm thinking too much.

She is gaining weight. Thats all I keep telling myself. She is gaining weight. Every glass of water. Every flush of the toilet. Every enormous amount of food consumed. Every craving. Every headache. Every nap. It all makes me say....BUT SHE IS GAINING WEIGHT!!! THANK GOODNESS!!!

451

I can't sleep yet. I should have known hours ago when Maddison said how thirsty she was. Somehow we got distracted and didnt check that "thirsty" complaint like we should have. 451. Moderate ketones. Bad site, I assume. Easy fix right? We shall see....371 an hour later. Its gonna be a long night here.

I'm afraid to go to sleep. Since I haven't been hearing my alarms for night checks lately, I can't risk not waking up tonight. So, I'm sleepless for the next several hours. Amazing how Diabetes can change so quickly.

I'll be checking Maddison's sugar again at the 2 hr mark anyway, then again at the 3hour mark (when her correction dose is worn off) to see where her sugar range "SHOULD" stay till morning. But what if it isn't a bad site? What if Maddison is getting sick? Did I jinx it when I blogged about all the awesome predictability we have been having with Maddison's numbers being just right for a few months now? DAMN. You'd think I'd learn not to say it!

Ive been floating along on my little cloud of "easy" Diabetes days for awhile now. Im so grateful for these times!!! Seriously, we all need this kind of break once in a while. These "easy times" can really chill out your hatred of the disease, and improve your stress level. For real. But, now I sit and wonder. Is Diabetes gonna be back to kicking my ass? Right before our ENDO appointment in 2 weeks? I wouldnt be surprised! CRAZY how that happens! Next sugar check should tell I guess. -Sigh-

6 Things

For D blog day, this years topic is: 6 things you want people to know about Diabetes. I have more like 600 things I'd like you to know, but I guess I can narrow it down......maybe.....

1) Type 1 Diabetes is an Autoimmune disease, meaning the body turns against itself. In T1 Diabetes the body's immune system continually attacks and destroys the Beta cells in the Pancreas which produce Insulin. Again, Maddison's white blood cells recognized the insulin producing cells in her pancreas as "foreign"; the white blood cells launched an attack and decimated the beta cells; the insulin producing cells. Insulin is a hormone that you cannot live without. It allows your body to derive energy from carbohydrate containing foods. Insulin is the ONLY treatment for Type 1 Diabetes. (Stolen from Reyna's blog)

2) The question "Is Maddison's Diabetes controlled?" is one that makes Parents with Diabetic kids SCREAM inside. Technically speaking, if my child is alive, then YES, her Diabetes is "controlled" because it hasn't killed her. Your "control" of blood sugars isn't always based on your efforts, or knowledge of the Disease. "Control" doesn't come from eating "the right" foods or "exercising" enough. Control comes from matching insulin needs to BODY requirements, and that is always changing!!

3)Oh yeah...let me say it again.....Diabetes/Insulin needs for kids IS ALWAYS CHANGING!!! Sure, we may go through a time where predictability happens and things are "controlled" without much thought and management just becomes routine without insulin adjustments being needed. BUT, That never lasts for long. Kids are growing which means their little bodies have lots of growth hormones swimming around. Add in a growth spurt and insulin needs can SKYROCKET, even overnight because Insulin becomes RESISTANT to these hormones. Blood sugar rises, and us PARENTS need to figure out AGAIN, just the right insulin dose to "control" blood sugars. Blood sugars are NOT always about food!!! (I also should mention that changing weather, illness, location of pump sites or shots, different combinations of food, exercise, and even stress effects Diabetes control!!)

4)EVERYONE's insulin needs are different. There isnt a magic dose. Some people need more insulin in the mornings, some need more insulin at night. One unit that Maddison takes to fix a high blood sugar might kill someone else. Or, maybe that one unit needs to be tripled to lower someone elses high. What HE needs isnt what I need, and what SHE needs isnt what I need either. An insulin dose is MY dose, and ONLY mine. WE the Patient must figure out what that dose is. When you figure it out it usually works right, but not always. THIS my friend, is why Diabetes is a DEADLY DISEASE. It does NOT come with dosing instructions like the pill you get from the Pharmacy!!!

5)My child is just like your child, with a little added work. She CAN eat that, she just has to take insulin to eat it. She doesn't need "special" food or a DIET.

6)Complications ARE NOT THE DIABETICS FAULT!!!! Diabetes is a CONSTANT disease that is exhausting and always changing. You can do everything right in managing your disease but Diabetes is still a disease that harms your every single cell and organ in your body without PERFECTION of blood sugars. PERFECTION is impossible!! You can follow the perfect diet, be a Triathlete, take the right insulin, check your sugars 20 times a day and STILL fall victim to complications. Abnormal blood sugars are ABNORMAL no matter how close to "perfect" control you may be. I want you to know that Diabetes took TOO MUCH from my Father. Amputations, blindness, Kidney failure, Neuropathy, Gastroparesis, Stroke, Charcot's foot.....I want you to know this because he did NOT fail to manage his Disease!! He did EVERYTHING he knew to do. He did everything "right" and STILL ended up with complications. Education CAN be the key to better management, but it is not a promise.

So, there are my 6 things. Funny how I can always manage about 60 into 6!! :)

Not Hearing It

I'm not sure what the deal is, but ever since we have moved into our new house I'm not waking up to alarms set for night time checks!! Its ticking me off!! Its making me worry, and with a child on an insulin pump, its DANGEROUS!! Sure, I've gotten up a few times here and there...but for the most part I'm missing night checks that NEED to be done!!

What am I supposed to do now!!?? I have already tried changing the ringtones on my alarms (I use my cell phone) and I even added a SECOND alarm clock, so now I have a cell alarm set AND an alarm clock set! I even set the alarm times 15 minutes apart with multiple alarms!!! I even moved the alarms across the room so I have to walk father to turn them off!! I'm not even waking up when my CGM alarms!! And WHY isnt the husband waking up to these alarms? Maybe the alarms aren't even going off? I think I remember hearing them somewhere in my deep sleep.....I do remember Hannah coming in Saturday morning and saying "MOM!! What is wrong with you!!? Your alarm has been going off for an hour!!" So I'm just left to wonder why I'm not hearing it!!??

Whats even worse? Waking up to empty juice boxes that I have no memory of giving Maddison while she slept!! Checking back in the meter shows the blood sugar was taken....(alot of 70-90's between midnight and 4am) and I see I gave Maddison juice to keep her from going too low....but I have no memory of these night checks! Diabetes and night time checks have gotten dangerous in this house! What the heck is going on and how do I wake up!!??

The husband is checking Maddison before he leaves for work at 4am, but what about Midnight!? What about the nights when Maddison needs a correction before bed? What about the nights she is trending LOW? What about site change nights when I need to get up and make sure the site is good? I guess for awhile Im gonna have to be sleep deprived and just stay up instead of setting an alarm. I dont know what else to do. Its WEIRD. Its frustrating!! After 4 years of night checks my brain said no more waking up to alarms? WEIRD. WEIRD. WEIRD!!

American Girl 2010

Today Maddison modeled in the "American Girl" fashion show to benefit JDRF!! Last year Maddison was also selected to model, but the day OF she just couldn't pull through, even though she showed up and tried her best. Last year, in the last minutes before show time, Maddison ended up in tears. 408 blood sugar. Sore throat. Headache. Dark circles under her eyes. Maddison wanted to be a part of the modeling fun SO badly.....but, we had to go to the Urgent Care instead.

Strep Throat.

Nothing interfered this year!! After 11 hours and 3 seperate show times we are home from the show and EXHAUSTED!!! But, Maddison LOVED every minute of it! Today Maddison got to hang out with her JDRF buddies, raise money towards the cure AND model. Her dream come true!!

2010 JDRF Walk/Halloween

Saturday was our 4th JDRF walk....not such a great turn out for our team this year, but we exceeded our fundraising goal and had some too cute shirts made!! (thanks to a last minute sponsor!!)


And it was HOT! Almost 90 degrees people! Hannah brought along several of her high school buddies who all adore Maddison....We had a ton of fun and Maddison left the Walk talking about her dreams of a cure, as always. That part always breaks my heart....but Maddison never fails to refresh and uplift my own sense of hope!!


(Yep...that was Maddison with Sugar from Candy Hearts!)

Ohhhhh Halloween!! Maddison has been having the longest streak EVER of FANTABULOUS blood sugars, so Halloween didnt pose a problem with worries of candy highs. It seems we just bolus and everything works out perfectly these days (KNOCK ON WOOD) So.....I was a bit shocked to see a 389 after trick or treating! Ummmm.....DUMB DUMB MOM over did a low (69) correction while Maddison (Dorothy) was trick or treating....I just wanted my girl to zoom around with the others....I guess she didnt need THAT MUCH candy to keep up! Oh well! She actually came back down perfectly by Midnight, then ran a tad too low all night.


My Hannah who is nearing 14 this month (AHHHH!!!!) was still ready to throw on a costume and hit the streets for candy with her girls. Its all about being silly and hanging out together ya know.....Can you say LADY GAGA??!!




The cutest little Dorothy, my Neice Sammi :)I hope everyone had a great Halloween!! This weekend Maddison models in the American Girl Fashion show to support JDRF!!!