For Shamae

In loving memory

When words cease to come
When your heart simply says it isn't so
When nothing you can say will make it better, kneel and pray.

Many years ago I started this blog as a place to vent and cry my tears, at a time in my life where I couldn't see much but darkness surrounding me. My blog became a place of comfort and security, a place I could release endless emotions while learning to live this new crazy life as a Mom to a young child with Diabetes. Little did I know at the time, I was about to be taken in under the wings of other Moms just like me. They were out there, and they were listening. Understanding. Reaching out. Commenting. Encouraging. Inspiring. Offering endless support.

It was here on my blog that Shamae reached out to me. Shamae's own Daughter was diagnosed with Diabetes at the age of 4, just a short time after Maddison's diagnosis. Although I was never lucky enough to meet Shamae in person, it always felt as though we had been lifetime friends from the start. Here we were, just two Moms living the life of "same same" and chatting away as online friends, while watching each others children grow through the years. Witness to each others triumphs and struggles along the bumpy road, Shamae was my angel in disguise. Her kind words always seemed to mend my broken heart, and she had the ability to overcome (with a smile) anything that came her way.

Over the weekend we received the shocking news that Shamae passed away in her sleep. Suddenly, and unexpected. She was just 30 years old. Shamae leaves behind three beautiful Daughters and her Husband of many years. Its unbelievable. Devastating. Unreal.

Shamae's insight and outlook on life is something I will always remember and cherish. Shamae was always a shining example of pure faith, hope and determination. I could never thank her enough for helping to pull me out from my post diagnosis darkness, just by simply being a friend. Shamae's husband and children were the center of her world, and her love for them was absolute. Through all life's hard times and what sometimes seemed to be endless struggles, Shamae still smiled. She always came out on top. She was one hell of a fighter for sure. Shamae was a fierce advocate for her Daughter, and perhaps one of the best advocates for ALL our children that there ever will be. Determined, strong, devoted. I have no doubts, Shamae was truly an angel, sent here for great purpose. I think she has served that purpose well and beyond, more than anyone will ever know. She has touched so many lives, just by being who she is, and being a great friend to many....even if just through a computer screen. Shamae has certainly earned her wings.

Shamae was an even better Mother, and a beautiful devoted wife. I often found myself in awe over her CRAZY HAPPY LIFE! Happiness just seeps from her little girls smiles, showing just how great of a Mom she really was.

There are no words to describe the sorrow I feel in my heart, for her babies. For her husband, her family. Shamae's beautiful life was taken too soon, for reasons no one could ever truly understand.

Shamae, I will cherish our online friendship for eternity. We will do our best to fulfill your dreams, and see to it that your sweet Sydney gets her cure one day.....

Love always,
Kelly

Summer, School and TIRED!!

The Summer months, (as always) provided a time to be more relaxed about blood sugars, and apparently my tired brain decided to also take a break from middle of the night blood sugar checks way too often this Summer!! Nothing is more scary and frustrating than not waking up to an alarm clock when you NEED to. How can you not wake up to multiple set alarms!!?? I just dont understand it!! As a result, Maddison spent much of the Summer simply running too high overnight, which means I felt terribly guilty all Summer long! Thank goodness Summer has ended and School is back in session! It makes managing blood sugars so much easier overall, and, there is nothing like a good old routine to see what is REALLY happening in Diabetes land!

So, Im proud to say that Maddison did fairly well (without supervision) this Summer managing her Diabetes. There was no school Nurse to make sure she was checking her sugars when she should be, no school Nurse to verify carbs counted, and no school nurse to make sure she didn't over treat lows. Yes, my Maddi did pretty darn well most days!! While she did run much higher than usual for most of the Summer, (laziness, growing and eating all day long!!) the important thing for me was that she was expected to be more independent in her Diabetes decision making. At her age, it naturally just kinda falls in to place, just the way I think it SHOULD BE for our kids. Pushing kids too fast, too soon towards Diabetes self care (I hear) can have terrible consequences. As with anything Diabetes related, there is no right or wrong way. This is just what works for US! Maddi could text or call me at anytime while I was at work....but my goal of the Summer was to stay (FAR!)in the background of Diabetes care while Maddison took the lead. Im happy to say we survived without me having to nag too much!! (Though she may say otherwise!)

As with most Diabetic kids her age, there were many, many days when Maddison just didn't check her blood sugars as often as I expected her to. We personally shoot for checking sugars every 3 hours, unless things are VERY predictable, then Maddi would only be expected to check before meals and at bedtime (with Mom checking at Midnight and 3am) but how often does Diabetes remain THAT predictable? Not for long! But when it does, it saves us alot of finger pokes and test strips! I think kids "forgetting" to check their sugar is fairly "normal" for this age isn't it? Throughout the Summer there were days that Maddi got the lectures of Diabetes care, TV time taken away, and a nagging Mom by text message and such....but at the end of the day when reviewing her numbers Id always say, "AS LONG AS YOU BOLUS FOR EVERYTHING YOU EAT" then I am happy. And by reviewing her pump history, this kid likely didn't miss a bolus! Some days she was bolusing 10 times a day!! (Im sure she enjoyed not having Mom there to say "you don't need to eat another serving size"!) Maddi ate all day long it seemed, and according to her 3 inch growth spurt over the Summer, she may have needed the extra serving size! In my opinion, not bolusing very carefully for every carb consumed is where you will REALLY screw up your A1c and your health. So not checking your sugar once in a while? Well, Ill pick and choose my battles on that one! Im just happy she never skips a bolus at this age!

So, poor poor me, I'm back to being overly TIRED since school started back in August. Falling asleep at my desk, falling asleep after dinner....TIRED!! School in our house means I'm strictly back to waking up every 2-3 hours so I can get blood sugars tamed once again. I love the school year now that my kids are older! There isn't any late night eating to interfere with basal rates. No odd sleeping patterns to throw off the logic of what needs to be adjusted where. No swimming, no nightly sleepovers....just a nice routine. Just how I like it. It makes managing numbers so much easier! After just one month back in school we were right back to where we need to be! The "predictable" and much lower blood sugar range! All my lack of sleep (and endless daytime insulin adjustments) for school have paid off immensely, just in time to see the Endo in 2weeks.

But, overly tired now means that checking blood sugars every 2-3 hours (or more often) is catching up with me. BIG TIME. Since Sunday I am starting to over sleep my night time alarms again! The alarms on my cell phone look like this....

1200am
1203am
1206am
1210am

DIDNT WAKE UP!!

330am
333am
336am

DIDNT WAKE UP!!

630am
633am
635am

DIDNT WAKE UP!!!

7am....Well SHIT. Now I missed my morning walk!!!

Damn it. I guess I need a break from chasing numbers! Tonight my goal is to sleep at least a straight 4 hours! Lets hope Diabetes will allow, and I didn't just Jinx myself.

CrAzY 2013 so far, and second opinions!

A quick re-cap of the 8 months hiatus from my blog, its been a very emotional and challenging year to say the least! (this post might get ridiculously long)

In February my husband was dx'd with skin cancer. Initially the Dermatologist called it a Squamous Cell Carcinoma, which caused a major freak out on my part. Although when detected early, Squamous Cell Carcinomas "rarely" metastasize, it was still very scary to be dealing with the "C" word at all. Talk about a slap in the face, and a HUGE reminder of appreciating your health, life, and loved ones every single moment of every single day! After going through Mohs micrographic surgery, it just so turned out that the biopsy revealed it was "just" a Basal Cell Carcinoma, which is a much less serious cancer than the original assumption. With Mohs surgery, each layer of cancer containing skin is progressively removed and examined until only cancer-free tissue remains. We are skin cancer free!!

In March my Mom was really struggling with her health. Just not feeling well, also related to a very stressful situation in her life. One night she had several symptoms of a stroke, and ended up calling the paramedics. I showed up at her house within minutes, to find her already on oxygen and with paramedics questioning if she had ever had a panic attack.
WHAT? Seriously? That was her "diagnosis" according to them. But, we didn't feel comfortable with that, so we drove to the ER. It didn't take long for them to find that her potassium level was dangerously low. She spent 2 days in the hospital, and has been good since! ALWAYS trust your gut, and get a second opinion if you feel the need!!!

Also in March my Hannah began to struggle even more with her depression. She had quit playing competitive Volleyball earlier last year, and there was an obvious downward spiral since then. (I have struggled with depression since I was her age, please know it is a medical diagnosis!) Hannah didn't really mesh with her counselor (its hard to find good ones these days!)and one depression medication caused a rash so it had to be changed. The next one made her feel like a zombie, and one (presumably) caused her to black out. She fell and split her chin open requiring a couple stitches, which caused ME to question what the hell we are doing trying ant-depressants on a child!!??? Finally the next trial medication pushed her over the edge. She spent 6 days in the hospital. This is where *I* went downhill, mourning for my child. For her emotional struggles. The stress, unknowns, the side effects and fear of not treating the depression vs treating it WITH medications. Nothing could ever explain the feelings involved as a parent when your child hurts and there is nothing you can do to make it better. Especially when the cause is major depressive disorder, a chemical imbalance in the brain!! It has been an endless battle since then. Still to this day we haven't found a medication that is what SHE needs to get back on track. As a matter of fact, tonight she starts a new medication, and Im scared to death....yet hopeful. Medications are NOT always the answer, they are a small part of the puzzle. I feel guilty if we continue trying to find the right med, and I feel guilty if we quit trying. So, please don't judge!! This one last "trial" medication could be the missing link, or it could worsen symptoms. If it isn't for us, we are back at square one.

In April my husband lost his job, again. For the second time in just a few years. Not only can job loss be devastating financially, but when you MUST HAVE medical insurance, COBRA payments of $1200 a month on top of losing income is NOT GOOD. We are still recovering, having finally made our last COBRA payment in August! THANK GOODNESS!!!!

In May I started to feel quite yucky! It became a struggle to even make it through the day without needing a nap. Id nearly fall asleep all day long at work, and I'd sleep a few hours after work each day. All my labs were normal except my hormones were a bit off balance, but that's the life after hysterectomy I suppose! I was suffering from debilitating fatigue, muscle aches, mouth sores, flu like symptoms, major low back pain, tingling, eye pain, numbness. WEIRDNESS! My sugars had been running much higher too, but, I blamed it on stress, depression and hormones. I spent most of the summer months on the couch after work each day, just feeling like YUCK. What a waste of living!!

In June, Josh's Aunt was diagnosed with Glioblastoma, the most aggressive, deadly and malignant of all brain tumors. Prognosis is typically 3-15 months. So not fair when you are only in your 50's!!! A very long story short, Chemo and radiation after surgery left debilitating loss of speech, coordination, confusion etc. Another trip to the ER just a few weeks ago found the tumor was growing. She was transferred to Hospice care, but after a few days family decided to seek a second opinion to try and beat this damn cancer and enter a research study as a last resort. The second opinion said the tumor did in fact, NOT GROW.....it was just the brain swelling that caused the tumor to look larger. WHaaaaattttttt!!?? Need I say it again? ALWAYS GET A SECOND OPINION!!!!!!! So, last week during the pre-testing before entering research studies, they found DVT's in Auntie's legs, and then also in her lungs. Do you see how a second opinion actually may saved her from dying of a PE, likely a complication from the Cancer treatments? SECOND OPINIONS!!!! Right now Auntie is stabilized and doing amazing well considering!! Every day the brain is recovering from the radiation and swelling. Her speech, confusion, and coordination has majorly improved to near normal!!! It is still a long road ahead of uncertainties, but making every day count is what matters most right now!

In August I developed swollen lymph nodes and a "relapse" of even crazier symptoms! Many Neurological symptoms including facial numbness, left arm heaviness, left leg heaviness, chest pain, zapping sensations etc caused me to undergo 2 brain MRI's. No Multiple Sclerosis or Neurological diagnosis thank goodness!(Except my PCP thinks I have health anxiety, what a jerk) Abdominal pains required a CT scan, nothing there either. Doppler studies were all clear, and endless lab work says I'm not likely to be experiencing anything like Lupus or Fibromyalgia. (eye dryness, burning, light sensitivity!!) My PCP seems to believe I have some autoimmune disease causing all this nonsense. As of about 2 weeks ago I am FINALLY not having nearly as many crazy symptoms and Im feeling much better!!! I am still waiting to see a Rheumatologist to figure out my growing lymph nodes!!

So that's about it. All these mentions of my crazy year....what IS "NORMAL" life anyway? I guess this just is, isn't it?

Peers and PE

So the drama with peers in 7th grade? Ohhhh my. Well, it goes something like this....

(According to Maddi)

"I dont think you should be eating that." (3 lifesavers before PE)

"What is that on your arm?" (pump site, Maddi says she has heard this about a "billion" times this year and GIRLS continually whisper and stare)

"You can run more for your Diabetes ya know"

"No wonder you have Diabetes" (Life savers before PE!)

"I'll never have THAT problem"

"Why are you just sitting there when YOU are the one that needs to be running more than us?" (during a blood sugar low)

"Just go!" ( A girl running behind Maddison in PE (physically pushing her) when she suddenly felt low and needed to test)


Damn these 7th graders! I dont know if all these questions and comments suddenly arise from the fact that 4 schools have come together to form one middle school, or if 7th graders really just have no sensor? Teen lack of acceptance for differences? Are they more flooded with media misinformation than the younger grades? Where are the parents that raise their kids to be understanding/caring and supportive of those around them? I seriously don't understand!!!

These kinds of comments from peers are the exact reason why Diabetes in the teen years is so damn difficult and down right emotionally challenging to manage. Who would want to whip out their meter and check a low blood sugar when everyone is staring and gawking over you? People (especially teens!) don't understand that a low blood sugar cant wait. They don't understand that you may suddenly be paralyzed by weakness and shaky legs, unable to continue in PE. What they see is Maddison popping lifesavers or little candy hearts (still left over from Valentines day!) and sitting out of class many times a week. They dont understand why. It seems to Maddison that they see Diabetes as a weakness. They judge. They nag. They whisper. They stare. They even say she uses it as an excuse to sit out of class.

If only Maddison knew how much stronger Diabetes has made her. Physically, emotionally, deep down to her soul....if only the judgements of others didn't hurt.

Its just so hard!!!

This year Maddison has lunch at 11am, recess after, and then PE immediately after that. Well shit! Surprisingly we have managed to stay pretty darn well in range for PE most days, but lately things are trending even lower during or after PE. Some days they toss rings over a net, and some days they run miles. It would be much easier to manage if we had a schedule of anticipated exercise wouldn't it?

We have decreased basals before and after PE. Increased protein at lunch. That worked for awhile. We have taken 15c off the lunch bolus. That worked for awhile. We have eaten 12c lifesavers before PE, done a combination of less carb bolus and less basal, added a snack after PE....and sometimes she will still go low. Not low low....but low enough to feel drained (60's) and unable to participate in the rest of PE, or she ends up missing out of class information later on as her brain recovers from roller coaster numbers. All D Moms know about IOB (active insulin) after eating, and how hard it can be to manage! That is a whole chapter in a book itself!

From what I see this week in Maddi's sugar log is that it isn't long before the "lows" will turn into LOW LOWS.

Now enter Momma bird who has been watching closely.

Time for even more dose changes. Why? Well.....because after 6 weeks of being back in school and running miles in PE nearly every day, (good riddance lazy summer) Maddi's metabolism is changing. Which means her body is more effectively using insulin, which means she suddenly needs less insulin than all summer long! Now I have the job of figuring out how to keep her body and mind functioning without being too high, or too low.... with a shit load of insulin on board from lunch, during PE. -Sigh-

Nothing new right? Every year our kids have a different situation with school classes, lunch, recess and PE, so eventually we figure out what works best to avoid lows and highs. Sad thing is, its all about trial and error. And our kids battle through the ups and downs until we get the numbers right. This is also a lot of extra responsibility and emotional stress to carry as a Mom!! We ARE responsible for their blood sugar numbers. We just are. No one should have to manage their child's health and body functions 24/7/365, but D Moms do. No wonder Maddison is at the point that some days she tries to avoid PE altogether. She just doesn't know which treatment plan to go by anymore! Every week has been different. But, so far this school year Maddi has been managing her Diabetes and making decisions just as well as any Momma bird I know! Im very proud of her knowledge to say the least :)

Teenagers. Middle School. Peers. Diabetes. Not an easy thing to manage, physically or emotionally. I was so naive to think it wouldn't be much different than years past. Parent or child.....this is the toughest age by far! Maddison has been venting away her Diabetes frustrations as they come, but I know that comments and other kids are beginning to eat away at her some days, and I dont blame her. I dont blame her one bit. Luckily, Maddison doesnt let it all bring her down. But if/when she wants to cry or scream and let it all out, I will encourage it. And then, we will move on. We are stronger than letting Diabetes, peers or PE craziness keep us down for long.

TEENAGER!!!!

For many months I have taken a blogging break. It seems one day you wake up and life with Diabetes JUST IS, and honestly, for quite awhile now the last thing I have wanted to think about or talk about..... or even ACKNOWLEDGE, was Diabetes.

DONE. OVER IT. TIRED OF THE WORD. NOTHING LEFT TO SAY.

And just when I thought hoped there was nothing left to say, Maddison turned 13.

Enough said, right?

It was as if overnight my buddy changed into another person. Everything I say is wrong, everything I do is wrong. Yep....this girl wants nothing but to fly the coop and get the hell away from her Mom. So, this Mom right here has WAY TOO MUCH time to do nothing but reflect on finding something for ME, and try to stay sane while parenting two teenage GIRLS that need me close, but not TOO close. Quite comical when you think about it actually!


This Summer was the first that I actually worked FT without a modified shorter schedule to stay home PT and "watch over" Diabetes. YEP. The age of (12 then and now 13) also means total self sufficiency of Diabetes care in the daytime hours. And you know what? That totally sucks because I LIVED for spending extra time in the Summer with my kids!!!! Bummer for me! Nowadays I also just drop Maddison off on her volunteer days, and just drop her off when she has her horse riding lessons! No more needing/wanting Mom there either!!

Bittersweet, for sure.

I miss my little kids!!

Im struggling with this growing up stuff. For real!! My Hannah turned 16 last November, and 17 is approaching too damn fast. Ive spent several months now just stuck in the blues. So many reasons, but the largest part of being so down for so long is that after spending 8 years as a Volleyball Mom (attending practices twice a week and tournaments every weekend) Hannah decided she no longer wanted to play competitive Volleyball. Even as a Varsity player. Can you say parental devastation? I've seriously been heart broken ever since. I never wanted that chapter in our lives to end. This is one reason I now have too much free time!!

Then of course there is the fact that Maddison's interests are changing with age, which means I now have EVEN MORE free time!! I have spent many, many years volunteering along side Maddison at various animal rescues (she still does occasionally) but nowadays her passion is focusing on horses, which means most days I simply drop her off for riding lessons and be on my way. Her lessons will be starting again soon since Summer is coming to an end, which FINALLY kick starts my motivation to get my shit together and pursue my own volunteering, projects, education and such!

So here I am with all this time to find ME, and Im back on my blog. What the heck? Well, VENTING IT ALL OUT **IS** ME!! Its not really bitching or complaining ya know. Its VENTING. Lets make sure you hear that right! Venting means I blurt it all out right here on my blog, and then move the heck on!! Since Maddison started school 6 weeks ago AND turned 13 in August we have had ALOT of Diabetes stress. A new MIDDLE SCHOOL schedule, crazy hormone resistance, new expectations/responsibilities in 7th grade (such as independently managing Diabetes without the school nurse involved!!)new teachers to educate, and so far the biggest struggle by far.....new TEENAGE peers with lots of opinions and questions about Diabetes. Yes, I said opinions.

Opinions. Comments. Remarks. Damn, they weren't kidding when they said the teen years with Diabetes are tough. Thats a vent
blog post for another day!

Running away

On Friday night we we packed up last minute to run away from the craziness of everyday life. We have been meaning to escape on a mini family vacation to visit the snow up north for weeks and weeks, but with a husband that works 60 hours a week that includes Saturdays its hard to find the time. Over the years I've learned that planned trips aren't always the best trips, and sometimes you just gotta get up and go!! Thanks to our very special friend BETH (whose family we have loved and cherished since a local D family get together in 2007) we were able to grab the keys to her beautiful family cabin and escape up in the tranquil mountains of Strawberry Arizona and enjoy some much needed family time.

On Saturday afternoon we hiked miles through the snow, only stopping here and there for the girls to try out different little hills while eagerly searching for the perfect giant slope for sledding. The air was crisp, the snow was gleaming, and the trees whistled from the breeze of pure clean air. Nothing to think about but each other. Enjoying the moment, relishing in the beauty of our surroundings, and loving each moment. Life these days needs more of these moments. For everyone. Everywhere.

I must say, as much as I hope to make Diabetes invisible every day, I try even harder to do so on vacations like these. I dont want to have to stop for lows, and I dont want to stop and poke fingers more than I have to. For me its easy, Im mostly predictable and I know that I need to keep snacking in order to avoid lows. Walking miles through the freezing snow is much like walking through the hot sand. Its a workout indeed! I realized just how out of shape I have gotten, and Im not happy! My blood sugar was 83 after snacking (without bolus) on whatever the heck I thought I needed over those hours in the snow, but with a temp basal reduction and apparently too many snacks for Maddison, she ended up at 263 which meant she was feeling extremely drained and unable to go on towards the end. Stupid Diabetes. I assumed all the hiking and cold weather would cause Maddison to have lows, but apparently I over carbed her this time. Oh well. A small correction dose was given and she was down in rage quickly. We didnt check our blood sugar for many hours that day while pretending Diabetes didnt exist on our snow day, and thats all that matters. We ran away from Diabetes (kind of?) and sometimes thats ok. So for now Im ready to continue being a Diabetes warrior. A much needed break for a few hours is all I needed.

Diabetes has been playing me wrong these days. Ive been overwhelmed with the TWEEN years,especially after Maddison having
multiple pump site failures in the last week with high ketones over night, and her wild hormones robbing me of more sleep than usual these days. The reality of this disease has been causing me a lot of heartache lately, and the financial aspects of our medical insurance in 2013 has gone even more to shit. The outlook of medical care in this country is scary, especially for the future of our children!

Ive personally been having a lot of scary low blood sugars and Im simply feeling a bit defeated. Im often waking up low between 3 and 6am, so low (30's) that sometimes I can hardly find the physical strength to hold the juice box to my lips. With a husband that works nights, it leaves me feeling very alone and vulnerable. Im working on tracking these numbers, but not seeing a pattern. So for now I run myself higher I guess. On the list of my January blues is also the fact that January 2010 is when my Dad passed away after an unspeakable battle of post surgical complications. I think of my Dad and his struggles with Diabetes and Dialysis often when Maddison's numbers are bonkers. Its terrible to go there, I know. January always leaves me feeling a bit heavy hearted I guess, I miss my Dad. I miss my kids having my Dad in their lives. But, we talk often about all the good memories, so that's the positive note! And now, as of Thursday January 31st and a long over due trip to the Dermatologist, my Husband has been diagnosed with skin cancer. A Squamous Cell Carcinoma.

Exactly why we ran away.

I wasnt at the appointment with my Husband, but the Doctor told him he is 99% certain the spot he removed for biopsy is "not the type that spreads" although it is indeed cancer. He also froze a small spot on his nose, but he did not feel the need to send it along for biopsy. I disagree, and can already tell you I will be making an appointment elsewhere for a second opinion. We are supposed to hear the biospy results for typing sometime this week.

Upon hearing this information from my husband (while I was at work on Thursday!!!) my heart began to palpitate. Time stood still, and I felt an overwhelming sense of panic. I think in the last 3 days I have gone through every emotion. Fear, despair to denial, to pure faith...and have now ended up numb. As it should be I guess. No point in making myself sick with worry right now. Hope, faith and prayer. Its where we are at.

34 and PMS

A few weeks ago Maddison was running high, high, high. It used to be that "high" was 200-250's for Maddison, but nowadays the threshold of "high" has changed since the TWEEN years are here. 280's-380's is now not uncommon for high spells. GASP!!!

After 2-3 days of high patterns I get on those numbers!! I start by increasing basals around the clock, and if that doesnt work in 2 days or so, I also adjust the ratios with MORE added basal power. Right now Maddison is at 80% more insulin per day than she was a few weeks ago!! Logging. Tracking. Studying. I used to be able to "flip flop" between 2 different basal settings in her pump. One for "normal" and one for "high spells" so everything would fall into place with just a simple pattern change set in the pump memory. Not so much anymore! I tell you this Diabetes and hormone resistance is some scary stuff!!

JUST when I find the right changes to Maddison's insulin doses she will have a week or two (rarely 3) of near "perfection" with numbers....and then it suddenly changes. That "perfect" week of numbers has passed us by yet again.....

As of yesterday.

143 before PE and 54 after. Of course, I blamed PE for "causing" the low, although I was starting to question if it was about time her insulin needs (basal rate mostly) were dropping again.

Stupid me, I didnt know today was a PE day again. If I did, I could have suggested Maddi have a small snack JUST IN CASE. But, Im too late. 151 before PE was great(no IOB)but before class was over the nurse was called to rush over to the gym for my dear, sweet child who was fading fast. BS = 34

Mom FAIL.

GUILT.

Guilt is a HUGE manifestation of this disease. Even if we know better than to place blame.

I could beat myself up over "inflicting" this low on my poor kid, or I can blow it off and sit down with the numbers tonight.

I have to choose the numbers. Just sit down with the numbers and fix it!! Stop feeling guilty!!! Because, I know better. Because I have to. Because we ALWAYS pick ourselves back up and shrug off the guilt for our own best interest. I believe Diabetes is a 50/50% mental disease, SERIOUSLY!!!

Do you know what I suspect? Maybe this is too much information....but, I suspect Maddison's hormone levels are following her older Sisters menstrual cycle. YEP. Add another variable to the blood sugar drama of a growing girl! (she hasnt actually "started yet") Ive been aware of this reality for years now, but lately its becoming a very clear picture!! The older Sisters PMS was some CRAZINESS over the weekend, then "the day" came, and.....BOOM! Maddison started with the LOWS. Very interesting indeed.

Lucky me, I had surgery to end mine back in 2010 and let me tell you, I dont have the same highs and lows each month like I used to! Once that PMS would start my blood sugars would be bonkers. Much higher than normal. Unpredictable. Then as soon as the "time came" my blood sugars would drop like a rock. Out of no where. Usually while I was sleeping. Today with this crazy low I am reminded that any month now my poor sweet little girl will be CLOSER to more of a woman. Nooooooo!!!!Im feeling a bit traumatized actually!

UGH. Bring it on PMS, I figured you out once for myself, and I will just have to figure you out again. -Sigh-

IOB, not so NICE and randoms

IOB, or Insulin on board is the amount of insulin you still have working to bring down your blood sugar. Tonight at bedtime Maddison needed a correction dose. She was 210 but entered 280 into her pump. She was simply careless I guess. For some reason tonight I decided to look over her pump history for the second time....I usually do every night as she sleeps...but I already did earlier in the day, so it was just by chance that I caught this error of her entry just an hour after she fell asleep.

SCARY.

What if that tiny extra amount of insulin were to cause a low? A low that she would never wake up from? It COULD happen. It does happen. And sometimes, it happens without explanation. But could you imagine if you were the parent that made a mistake? Or the parent that missed your childs mistake? Its simply unfathomable.

So, I just set a temp reduction to Maddi's basals to balance things out. We shall see what the next hour brings. Tonight this little mishap reminds me of just how careful we ALWAYS need to be. Parents NEED to be the watchful eye, esecially while independance flourishes. Always. No matter what. Insulin pumps make our lives so much easier, in so many ways....yet they can be dangerous when not closely monitored. So for those that question why we still need to watch over our child's Diabetes management, this is why.


This morning I left for work after giving Maddison yet another correction dose for a high blood sugar. Dad was home with the girls today. Maddi knows to check her blood sugar before eating breakfast. Dad reminded her. She told him she would check....but overlooking her pump history today I see that she didnt. Why? Because, without constant reminding it seems most D kids just dont want to poke their fingers. They just dont. Even though they know they NEED to. Dad should have verified that she checked. But, he didnt.

-Sigh-

I text Maddison from work at Noon for her blood sugar number. She was 398. Dad said she "forgot" to bolus an extra 15c he suggested at breakfast. Of course.

At 5pm when I got home from work I asked Maddison when she checked last. It was at Noon. She corrected the 398, but never rechecked a few hours later and never ate lunch. She KNOWS to recheck a crazy high two hours later, but without my constant "reminding" she sometimes fails to be responsible. Even Dad failed to be responsible and ask her where her numbers stood. This is typical. He leaves the responsibility to her.

I play this game on my own. 24/7/365

While Maddison will face a consequence for not doing what she needs to be doing....Dad just shrugs it off and places the "blame" on her. Something is incredibly fucked up there if you ask me. Yes, Im bitter. I have every right to be. Ive discussed this with HIM until Im blue in the face, and broken at heart. And nothing ever changes. I dont understand why.

These days Maddison is quite resistant to insulin. What used to be a total daily dose of around 18-20 units a day is now around 40 units a day. Hormones. Puberty. Growing. This girl of mine is growing like a weed. Diabetes is becoming something it never was before. It isnt "fun" or talked about by Maddison anymore. It just IS. Just there. Ignored mostly. Exactly what most tweens/teens with Diabetes want most in their life. Normalcy. Its a great thing actually, when Maddi is being responsible that is. While most days she is very responsible, the days she struggles or "forgets" are the hardest for me.

I dont blog much anymore. There isnt much to say. Nothing is surprising anymore. We have ups, downs and everything in between. Mostly, I just dont want to talk about it anymore, and I cant seem to find the words even if I do! Often while I am awake waiting on blood sugars at night I will type out a post, only to delete it when Im done. Just venting to myself I guess.

We have been doing GREAT actually, even though this post seems otherwise! I started on the Omnipod back in December, and simply said, I miss my Medtronic Pump dearly! But, insurance issues win and with the Pod I am forced to stay whether I like it or not.

Time to check Maddi. 162. I'm 135. I'll set the alarm for 3hours from now. Lather, rinse, repeat.