Monday, September 24, 2012

The little things

For me, its the "little" things about Diabetes that add up to a tremendous melt down of my heart sometimes.

Last night I walked into Maddison's room without knocking, my bad. I was surprised to find that I startled her. I found that Maddi had just been secretly eating a "Fun dip" candy that she normally keeps stashed in her backpack for emergencies. -Sigh-

I just wanted to cry, right then and there.

So many reasons why!!!

I hated to see Maddison sneak candy...although I know it isnt unusual for a D kid to do so, and, we have been here before.

I hated to say anything to Madi about it, when I already know that she knows better... and I hated to think she would feel ashamed of herself.

Fuck this stupid disease.

Thats about all I could think at that moment!!!

Maddison told me right away that she had already planned to bolus for it.

All I could say was, "Well thats good, thats all I ask, but next time can't you just ask or at least check your blood sugar FIRST"?

She just looked at me totally ashamed. Exactly what I didnt want! D momma failure RIGHT HERE!!!

Of course I know WHY she didnt just ask to eat the candy. It was 9pm, we dont typically eat after 8pm in our house, and certainly not sweets. I dont usually allow "straight sugar" candy EVER, except for lows of course, or once in awhile if we are at a party or something. And, of course...she is a kid! Sometimes you just pretend you dont have Diabetes!!

Damn it.

I quickly had Madi check her number...378. WTF? Was it miscounted pizza from dinner? Was there still sugar on her hands?

Nope. Recheck verified the shitty number.

Madi corrected, and bolused 12c for the candy. The worst possible time to sneak straight sugar for sure, but I didnt say ANYTHING and I acted like it wasnt a big deal. (once isnt anyway is it!?)

I just wanted to run from her room as quick as I could. I wanted to spare her anymore talk about it, and just leave it at that. Im pretty sure thats the best way to handle these situations, right?

I climbed in bed with my eyes full of tears. Its so hard to know how to handle these situations!! I always feel like no matter what I do or say I'm wrong and ruining Madi for life! Whats even harder, is knowing and imagining how Madi feels about it.

And so, as I mentioned all this to the husband, my saddness and frustration started to brew inside.

Which also meant I wanted to vent.

So I did.

First the sadness poured out. The husband was great assuring me I handled it right.

But then my mental exhaustion kicked in....the anger, bitterness....FEAR.

I asked the husband WHY he leaves me 100% alone with Diabetes at night. WHY!!??

I have been asking Josh over and over (off and on) for the last 6 years to PLEASE IF ANYTHING just check on Maddison before he leaves for work at night. (Between 11pm and 2am) I just want him to back me up in case I have missed something with Madi. Even just wake me up if you have too!!

Maybe we forgot to check her sugar before bed. Maybe she was lowish and I set an alarm to re-check her number but slept through it. Maybe I missed my Midnight alarm. Maybe I forgot to set the alarm. Maybe, maybe, maybe!!! All I want is him to QUICK glance at her meter and see what her last number was!!! I want to know that he sees her last blood sugar before leaving for work, and I want to know he will act accordingly IF needed....thats ALL I ask!! Wake me up to take over if needed, but good god just look at the last number in her damn meter!!! It only takes a second!!!

He says he is always running late for work and thats why he never checks on Madi. Thats fucking ridiculous! Then he says (as if its wrong for me to ask) that he will have to wake up "early" to do so.

Im sorry...but....

I dont fucking understand!!???

There is no excuse. NONE. This is his child (that could DIE in her sleep) and all I ask is that he take 20 seconds to glance at her last number recorded in her meter to make SURE I havent missed anything. THATS ALL I ASK!!! DONT WALK OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE WITHOUT MAKING SURE YOUR CHILD IS SAFE from Diabetes!!!

WHY is that too much to ask!!??

I have checked blood sugars all night every night since 2006. Sometimes I have to set alarms for an hour after I go to bed. Sometimes I cant/wont go to bed in fear I wont wake up to an alarm. Sometimes Im up chasing numbers every hour, every two hours....I just want SOMEONE to back me up!!

These "little" (not so little things) drive me crazy. They hurt my heart. My soul. I will never understand some things...and THIS is one of them.

*Disclaimer* My husband is great. My husband is an amazing Father. He just fails to give a shit in the middle of the night. I guess he really thinks I have it all under control. -Sigh-


Lora said...

Yeah, don't get me started on husbands and D tonight!!! I think you handled that candy thing perfectly. Whats the point of getting mad? They go through enough already. MAYBE, you can make a deal with her to have that type of stuff as soon as she gets home so you don't have to deal with it at night. If she's anything like Justin, she will loose interest in it and wont eat it long.

Joanne said...

Sorry you're dealing with so much frustration right now... It's so hard when everything seemingly gets piled on at once. I think you handled the sneaking thing just fine. Such a hard line to walk, isn't it?

katy said...

Fun dip! My eyes would google right out of their sockets. Fortunately, I have the only children in the world who will never sneak candy or discover (polite term for)-urbation.

I hope your nice husband reads your post. When he knows how you feel, he'll remember to check. I think you're right--he thinks you've got it all together and his turn is optional.

Reyna said...

Me too...I think you did great with the candy-sneaking thing. Not sure I woulda been as low key...and subsequently woulda been ashamed of myself for handling it so poorly.

On the hubby front...UGH. For the first two years after Joe's diagnosis, I did all the night checks. Dave did not take Joe out alone for years. Things have changed, but there was definitely major resentment that accompanied that portion of our lives.


Scott K. Johnson said...

Oh Kelly. What a hard night. I'm sorry. I wish I had some magical words of wisdom that would make you feel better, but like you have already said, it's hard. Parenting, in general, doesn't come with a manual, right? Sigh...

Just know we're out here thinking of you and pulling you up. Hang in there.

Amy E said...

I just stumbled on your blog so I haven't had much time to look, but have you considered a CGM for her?

Heidi / D-Tales said...

I think you're a GREAT mother and you handled the Fun Dip really well, especially considering you were caught off guard.

Maybe taking on D every night feels too overwhelming for Josh. Would he agree to checking her once a week or twice a week or every M, W, and F? Maybe he could pick a night (or two or three) and check her only then. It might ease his fears, ease him into the routine, and make you feel better, too. You could work up to him checking every night before he leaves for work (just don't tell him you're working up to that ;) -- start him off easy first). Just a thought...

Anonymous said...

It's time. It's time for hubby to help you out here. Even for Moms that stay home all day, and you work. A very good place to start and should not be difficult is to make him 100 percent responsible for the 12am blood sugar check. And if he is home at 2am he can check that one too. After all, he is up and you may be sleeping at that time. If he takes the 12 and 2am check, you could get some much needed sleep. Even if he does not feel capable of calling the shots immediately, tell him he needs to check it, log it, treat IOB or bring her blood sugar up to a safe number before leaving the house and alert you if she is high and he gave a correction before leaving the house. If really unsure, he could wake you and ask your opinion first. His lame excuse of having to wake up early? Big deal! It's his responsibility also. It will take him 15 minutes tops. Saving you two hours of sleep so you can stop dragging your weary self through each and every hour of the day. I know there are situations where the husband can't or won't help. But it sounds like this is one where he is able, he is awake at the time, you are sleeping. I get that he's a good father and hubby in other ways. But he must step up to the plate. Suppose something happens to you? He needs to be brought up to speed so your daughter is safe. P.S. It's entirely possible he is not willing to help because of fear on his part. He may be afraid he will make the wrong decision and put her life in jeopardy if he is responsible. If that is the case, you can assure him that you can train him and he can always check with you first until he is confident.