For me, its the "little" things about Diabetes that add up to a tremendous melt down of my heart sometimes.
Last night I walked into Maddison's room without knocking, my bad. I was surprised to find that I startled her. I found that Maddi had just been secretly eating a "Fun dip" candy that she normally keeps stashed in her backpack for emergencies. -Sigh-
I just wanted to cry, right then and there.
So many reasons why!!!
I hated to see Maddison sneak candy...although I know it isnt unusual for a D kid to do so, and, we have been here before.
I hated to say anything to Madi about it, when I already know that she knows better... and I hated to think she would feel ashamed of herself.
Fuck this stupid disease.
Thats about all I could think at that moment!!!
Maddison told me right away that she had already planned to bolus for it.
All I could say was, "Well thats good, thats all I ask, but next time can't you just ask or at least check your blood sugar FIRST"?
She just looked at me totally ashamed. Exactly what I didnt want! D momma failure RIGHT HERE!!!
Of course I know WHY she didnt just ask to eat the candy. It was 9pm, we dont typically eat after 8pm in our house, and certainly not sweets. I dont usually allow "straight sugar" candy EVER, except for lows of course, or once in awhile if we are at a party or something. And, of course...she is a kid! Sometimes you just pretend you dont have Diabetes!!
I quickly had Madi check her number...378. WTF? Was it miscounted pizza from dinner? Was there still sugar on her hands?
Nope. Recheck verified the shitty number.
Madi corrected, and bolused 12c for the candy. The worst possible time to sneak straight sugar for sure, but I didnt say ANYTHING and I acted like it wasnt a big deal. (once isnt anyway is it!?)
I just wanted to run from her room as quick as I could. I wanted to spare her anymore talk about it, and just leave it at that. Im pretty sure thats the best way to handle these situations, right?
I climbed in bed with my eyes full of tears. Its so hard to know how to handle these situations!! I always feel like no matter what I do or say I'm wrong and ruining Madi for life! Whats even harder, is knowing and imagining how Madi feels about it.
And so, as I mentioned all this to the husband, my saddness and frustration started to brew inside.
Which also meant I wanted to vent.
So I did.
First the sadness poured out. The husband was great assuring me I handled it right.
But then my mental exhaustion kicked in....the anger, bitterness....FEAR.
I asked the husband WHY he leaves me 100% alone with Diabetes at night. WHY!!??
I have been asking Josh over and over (off and on) for the last 6 years to PLEASE IF ANYTHING just check on Maddison before he leaves for work at night. (Between 11pm and 2am) I just want him to back me up in case I have missed something with Madi. Even just wake me up if you have too!!
Maybe we forgot to check her sugar before bed. Maybe she was lowish and I set an alarm to re-check her number but slept through it. Maybe I missed my Midnight alarm. Maybe I forgot to set the alarm. Maybe, maybe, maybe!!! All I want is him to QUICK glance at her meter and see what her last number was!!! I want to know that he sees her last blood sugar before leaving for work, and I want to know he will act accordingly IF needed....thats ALL I ask!! Wake me up to take over if needed, but good god just look at the last number in her damn meter!!! It only takes a second!!!
He says he is always running late for work and thats why he never checks on Madi. Thats fucking ridiculous! Then he says (as if its wrong for me to ask) that he will have to wake up "early" to do so.
I dont fucking understand!!???
There is no excuse. NONE. This is his child (that could DIE in her sleep) and all I ask is that he take 20 seconds to glance at her last number recorded in her meter to make SURE I havent missed anything. THATS ALL I ASK!!! DONT WALK OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE WITHOUT MAKING SURE YOUR CHILD IS SAFE from Diabetes!!!
WHY is that too much to ask!!??
I have checked blood sugars all night every night since 2006. Sometimes I have to set alarms for an hour after I go to bed. Sometimes I cant/wont go to bed in fear I wont wake up to an alarm. Sometimes Im up chasing numbers every hour, every two hours....I just want SOMEONE to back me up!!
These "little" (not so little things) drive me crazy. They hurt my heart. My soul. I will never understand some things...and THIS is one of them.
*Disclaimer* My husband is great. My husband is an amazing Father. He just fails to give a shit in the middle of the night. I guess he really thinks I have it all under control. -Sigh-
Moving my blog again
4 years ago