Sunday, December 4, 2011

Her smile

On this day 5 years ago I climbed into Maddison's ER bed and held her tight. I wanted to run away and allow myself to cry all the tears that were causing tremendous pain in my heart. I wondered why I waited so long to see the truth. I had been questioning Maddison's health for nearly an entire year at that point. To this day, I still dont know why or how I could have waited so long. I feel guilt to this day. But, everyone told me I was crazy. I just couldn't bring myself to poke her finger, revealing our new reality, even though I knew in my heart what was happening inside her tiny body.

5 years ago today. ...with too skinny little arms, and dark circles under her eyes Maddison still smiled while fighting back tears as the Nurses and Doctor worked around her. Maddison already knew what Diabetes meant, for I was diagnosed myself just 9 months earlier. Problem is, Maddison also knew that Grandpa was living a life of multiple complications from his Diabetes. At the tender age of six Maddison already knew all too well what hospitals were like, for we often spent endless hours bedside while Grandpa was in and out of the hospital over the years. Looking back now I probably said alot of things about Diabetes and Grandpas reality of health that I wish I never said. I never then imagined that Diabetes would be in her future.

Still knowing the realities, Maddison was able to smile through her fear. She cried of course....But for the most part, Maddi still tossed around smiles to the Nurses and hospital staff despite feeling so sick, scared and heart broken. Its all in her smile.

To this day Maddi's smile still lights up our lives,and insulin makes every day possible. Without it, Maddison would have already succumbed to the disease. Insulin isnt a cure, but it is a blessing.

We are at a point in life that Diabetes isn't a big deal anymore. Lows aren't as scary, and highs don't eat up my heart on a daily basis anymore. We have our days, for sure. Diabetes still hurts sometimes. Alot of times. But it isnt like it used to be. It isn't all consuming. It isn't as scary. Definitely, not nearly as scary.

All because of her smile. She is happy. Healthy. Thriving. Strong. Proud. We CAN do this. We CAN. Even on the scariest days, we know in our hearts we will be ok.

Happy 5 years to my Maddison.....its been a long road. We have cried, screamed, rejoiced, prayed, stayed hopeful, strong and determined. Most importantly, we have accepted and found peace in our lives knowing we CAN do this, and we are amazing despite Diabetes trying to kick us down. A happy 5th year, for sure.


Nicole said...

Beautiful post :) and happy 5 years of kicking D's butt to you and Maddison!!

Meri said...

You've come so far! Her smile is priceless!

Wendy said...

That smile just about melted my heart ;) She's gorgeous, Kelly.

Congrats of 5 healthy years...and CHEERS to a zillion more.