Thursday, December 1, 2011

Maddison and I both have our 3 month Endo appointments next week....surprisingly so far (knock on wood) Maddison hasn't hit the crazy highs and random numbers like she (and everyone else) usually does just before the "report card" time rolls around. The last couple weeks/days reflect most on the A1c, so this time Im REALLY hoping/expecting to see an A1c that I feel truly reflects how the last 3 months have been with blood sugars. Maddison has had a pretty good 3 months of numbers even with back to school this year, which is very surprising. Adjust here, and adjust there.....numbers have just kinda fallen into place without causing me too much brain pain! Well, during the day that is....

Nigh time is another story....

Two nights Maddi will be a tad high. One night perfect. Another high night. Two good nights. One low night. Three high nights.....all I can do is watch. You can't change anything with that kind of pattern!! 1 in 20? Ummm.....yeah. Thanks alot for that JDRF. While I do appreciate them telling it like it is, that 1 in 20 scares the HELL out of me. I didnt need this reminder of our reality x's 2...really, I didnt.

So, I'm TOTALLY guilty of running Maddison (and myself) a little bit higher at night since this "ad" was released. I feel terribly guilty for doing so. But, Id rather feel terribly guilty for awhile than to freak out every night and not be able to sleep while I obsessively check to see if Maddison is breathing. Yes, this fear shall pass. In time. 1 in 20 is some seriously scary shit!

Me? Ummmm.....Im pretty sure this will be my highest A1c EVER. (Ive said this many times before) Ive gotten lazy. Im burned out. I just "don't care" so much. Im only checking my sugar about 4-5 times a day right now, instead of every 3 hours like I used to. I'm not sure if I'm adjusting to life without my Ovaries or what, but I'm feeling and looking pretty GROSS. I look like HELL. I like to blame my hormone patches for my weight gain (8lbs!!) but lord knows all I want to do is eat CRAP and pretend my Diabetes doesn't exist. I feel low at 90 and I see 250's every day. There used to be a time when I never saw a number over 150. Lately Im happy with a 180. I'm too irritated by low blood sugars to make any changes for highs, so I just leave everything the way it is, even though I know changes need to be made. These damn hormone patches are hard to figure out! So, I do nothing. Im totally ashamed actually. Maybe I need a "bad" report card this time to kick my ass into gear. I hate being this careless and lazy. So why don't I just do what I need to be doing!!?? Keeping my own body functioning, healthy, and alive is catching up to me! Im TIRED of thinking about numbers every hour of every day. Im TIRED of stopping what Im doing for low blood sugars. Im TIRED of site changes. Finger pokes. I'm TIRED of being so "perfect" all the time managing numbers and I just want to pretend I can do less of all this crap and still be ok.

Sometimes less is good if it gives you a mental break. Im sure my A1c will give me the swift kick in the ass that I need right now. Thats even better.

1 comment:

Reyna said...

I cannot imagine doing it x 2 Kelly...and funny how I have been following you long enough to remember when your "highs" were the 150's. UGH.

I haven't been as on top of JOe's "D" Management lately. We go for the "Report Card" in January. I am dreading it. We have seen way more highs than I'd like to admit.

Love to you and the family.