On Saturday afternoon we hiked miles through the snow, only stopping here and there for the girls to try out different little hills while eagerly searching for the perfect giant slope for sledding. The air was crisp, the snow was gleaming, and the trees whistled from the breeze of pure clean air. Nothing to think about but each other. Enjoying the moment, relishing in the beauty of our surroundings, and loving each moment. Life these days needs more of these moments. For everyone. Everywhere.
I must say, as much as I hope to make Diabetes invisible every day, I try even harder to do so on vacations like these. I dont want to have to stop for lows, and I dont want to stop and poke fingers more than I have to. For me its easy, Im mostly predictable and I know that I need to keep snacking in order to avoid lows. Walking miles through the freezing snow is much like walking through the hot sand. Its a workout indeed! I realized just how out of shape I have gotten, and Im not happy! My blood sugar was 83 after snacking (without bolus) on whatever the heck I thought I needed over those hours in the snow, but with a temp basal reduction and apparently too many snacks for Maddison, she ended up at 263 which meant she was feeling extremely drained and unable to go on towards the end. Stupid Diabetes. I assumed all the hiking and cold weather would cause Maddison to have lows, but apparently I over carbed her this time. Oh well. A small correction dose was given and she was down in rage quickly. We didnt check our blood sugar for many hours that day while pretending Diabetes didnt exist on our snow day, and thats all that matters. We ran away from Diabetes (kind of?) and sometimes thats ok. So for now Im ready to continue being a Diabetes warrior. A much needed break for a few hours is all I needed.
Diabetes has been playing me wrong these days. Ive been overwhelmed with the TWEEN years,especially after Maddison having
multiple pump site failures in the last week with high ketones over night, and her wild hormones robbing me of more sleep than usual these days. The reality of this disease has been causing me a lot of heartache lately, and the financial aspects of our medical insurance in 2013 has gone even more to shit. The outlook of medical care in this country is scary, especially for the future of our children!
Ive personally been having a lot of scary low blood sugars and Im simply feeling a bit defeated. Im often waking up low between 3 and 6am, so low (30's) that sometimes I can hardly find the physical strength to hold the juice box to my lips. With a husband that works nights, it leaves me feeling very alone and vulnerable. Im working on tracking these numbers, but not seeing a pattern. So for now I run myself higher I guess. On the list of my January blues is also the fact that January 2010 is when my Dad passed away after an unspeakable battle of post surgical complications. I think of my Dad and his struggles with Diabetes and Dialysis often when Maddison's numbers are bonkers. Its terrible to go there, I know. January always leaves me feeling a bit heavy hearted I guess, I miss my Dad. I miss my kids having my Dad in their lives. But, we talk often about all the good memories, so that's the positive note! And now, as of Thursday January 31st and a long over due trip to the Dermatologist, my Husband has been diagnosed with skin cancer. A Squamous Cell Carcinoma.
Exactly why we ran away.
I wasnt at the appointment with my Husband, but the Doctor told him he is 99% certain the spot he removed for biopsy is "not the type that spreads" although it is indeed cancer. He also froze a small spot on his nose, but he did not feel the need to send it along for biopsy. I disagree, and can already tell you I will be making an appointment elsewhere for a second opinion. We are supposed to hear the biospy results for typing sometime this week.
Upon hearing this information from my husband (while I was at work on Thursday!!!) my heart began to palpitate. Time stood still, and I felt an overwhelming sense of panic. I think in the last 3 days I have gone through every emotion. Fear, despair to denial, to pure faith...and have now ended up numb. As it should be I guess. No point in making myself sick with worry right now. Hope, faith and prayer. Its where we are at.
