Some Days

Its funny how some days you feel like a super Pancreas. Numbers are mostly in range. Predictable. Maybe you make a change to insulin dosing here or there, and it works perfectly! Oh sweet blood sugar victory!

Then there are the days when you are seeing too many lows or highs, yet we know (and feel) that it is JUST a number. You do what you gotta do. Make a change. Again. Again. Again. A week or two goes by without much improvement in numbers, but its not a big deal. That's the way this Diabetes game goes. We get "there" eventually. No hurries. No feeling uptight or frantic about whats going on inside. Sure, you may begin to get frustrated with numbers, but you can still talk yourself down from being angry or overwhelmed. There is no blame. It just is what it is. I love those days. I love those days when Diabetes just "is."

Some days are days of unpredictability, where all you can do is step back and just watch the show.

Then there are the days that have turned into months. HIGHS. HIGHS. HIGHS. Changing insulin doses every few days. Sleepless nights of chasing numbers. NOTHING makes sense. NOTHING is working. One good day. Three bad days. A week of craziness. A week of "good" numbers, then the shit hits the fan again. Its tiring. Its frustrating. It makes you question yourself. It makes you want to hide some days, but you eventually come back, ready to fight.

But sometimes, when the days begin to turn into months, I lose my cool.

My mind becomes overwhelmed knowing there is no one but ME to get this right. No one but ME to keep Maddison healthy. No one but ME to stand up against this beast.

These days I don't even know what day it is. Yesterday was Monday but according to my brain it is still Friday of last week. Friday of last week is when I had numbers SO CLOSE to being in range for an entire 3 day span that I hold on to it for my life! I hold on to those pump settings knowing I am almost there! PLEASE tell me that today will be like FRIDAY AGAIN!

Then there was Saturday. Low all day. Sunday was high all day. Monday was perfect. Until bedtime came. Do you see why I'm stuck on Friday!!??

I need Friday to come back. Fridays numbers are all nicely logged in Maddison's blood sugar book with the current pump settings beside them. A breakfast ratio sits almost double what it used to be. Basals are doubled and ISF is down so far that I'm actually wondering if Novolog just isnt the insulin we should be using anymore.

Ive been here before, and things always go back to "what they used to be." Problem is, it has NEVER taken this long and Im about to F-R-E-A-K O-U-T if I see one more blood sugar in the 200's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is the day that it just hit.

Its the breaking point.

All I can think of is numbers and what my plan is for tomorrow. Move this dose up, move this dose down. I cant think straight. All I see is numbers, numbers everywhere. My thoughts of Diabetes have turned viral. I hate. I plead. I scream inside. I cuss, ALOT. I cry. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE this fucked up disease of numbers!!

This is where I am today. HATRED. HATRED for this disease. HATRED for what it is doing to Maddison's growing body. Hatred for what it does to my mind. To my energy level. To my outlook on life. To my HEART.

Maybe it was the $480 I spent on Diabetes prescriptions yesterday that triggered my meltdown of HATRED today. Or, maybe it was the $11k in medical expenses we claimed on our tax forms....

Maybe it is the stress of lay offs at work, wondering how we can afford life saving medications if I am the next employee to go.....

Maybe it is the stress of AIMS testing today, knowing Maddison was 303 and so far out of range that she will likely do poorly, with her cognitive function on the decline. Yesterday her number was a perfect 138 at 9am for testing... WHAT THE FUCK!?

Maybe my melt down of feelings is because Im angry with myself! I have been sleeping past many of my night time alarms which means Maddison has been running too high, too often for too many hours!!!I dont know, but this alarm clock thing is what I hate the most right now. I cannot afford to be over sleeping my alarms when Diabetes needs some ass kicking!!

This is the day I have EARNED a meltdown day.

I'm about to bribe my tween into wearing the CGM, because I just dont know what else to do. I HATE seeing the dark circles under her eyes. I HATE the headaches it causes her, and me. I HATE that we even have these damn CGM's.....but Im at my breaking point. Bribing it will be.

Good thing most days aren't like today.