Summer Kitty

Nature or Nurture? Maddison's summer kitty thinks he is just like our Golden Retrievers....







I dont know if "Kitty" really likes to swim, but he sure doesn't mind it! Maddison has a new swimming buddy this summer and she couldnt be happier :)

One week

Hannah left for her cruise to the Cayman Islands (8th grade promotion gift from her Auntie) on Sunday night. Its only been 48 hours since Hannah left, but I miss her terribly. One whole week Hannah will be gone. This will be a very long, quiet time in our house. Its just not the same without Hannah here, my sunshine is gone for 5 more days!!

Hannah typically spends at least 4 days a week with her friends throughout the summer. Alot of times all the girls gather here, but Hannah also does alot of bouncing from each friends house to the next, so we have strangely grown used to her not being here as much as she used to be. These girls travel in a pack. I love each and every one of them. They are such a fun, silly, happy bunch of girls. The silence in our house right now is deadly without them here. I can't wait till Hannah is back home!!

Hannah's trip makes me think......One week is the same amount of time that our D kids spend away at camp. One WEEK? One week without contact? One week without Maddison's sweet voice? Why doesn't the camp let you talk to your kid for a week? Cant I just call her each night before bed? I just dont get that. Maddison *could* have gone to camp this year. And last year. And the year before that. Its totally MY issue....I just can't shake the fact that when I actually FORCE myself to send Maddison to camp I wont hear her voice or see her beautiful smile for A WHOLE WEEK!I'm two days without my Hannah and I miss her already! Send my D child to camp for a WEEK without ANY contact? -UGH-

Hannah is healthy. I am not her Pancreas. I do not keep her alive with a precious medication and 24/7 diligence. I can send Hannah off with nothing but excitement for the adventure before her. We just can't do that when it comes to our D kids. The worry. The what ifs. Giving up management of a life threatening disease? It can all eat you alive.

I know, silly me, I'm missing my Hannah and already thinking about Maddison's week away at camp next year!

Our long boring summer is coming to an end. Two weeks left! Im SO looking forward to getting back on a schedule, but I'm not looking forward to the worry and stress that a new school year brings with Diabetes. Maddison's numbers will go bonkers. Thats a given. I worry how long it will take to gain back "control." I'll spend endless hours tracking numbers and making insulin and food adjustments. I'll have sleepless nights trying to get the new basal rates set for different sleeping hours. Meeting the teacher, explaining Diabetes. Helping Maddison feel comfortable in a new class without feeling like "the girl with Diabetes." Working through all the new details of a testing and eating schedules at school, educating the bus driver, the new PE teacher......its exhausting. Good thing all us D moms have each other! Life's about to get back to CRAZY!

SHIT

Nice blog title hugh? Thats all I can think right about now. SHIT! Now what? My finger poke a1c was 6.4...I kept saying that couldnt be right. Sure enough, my lab work showed a 7.0 just drawn on Thursday. Hows that for accuracy? I never trusted those finger poke A1c's anyway.

My TSH is low (.172)...indicating hyperthyroid, Graves disease or adrenal concerns. Thyroid or adrenal tumors at worst. Fabulous. I guess my recent weight loss isnt just stress related. Or, maybe my everything is whacked out from the stress. Who knows. I'll be going in for further lab work, an ACTH Challenge Test to evaluate my adrenal glands later this week.

Fun stuff hugh? As always, Im just a ray of sunshine on my blog. I'm feeling a bit grumpy about all this right now. -Sigh-

Goodbye Foot Naitze

Its time for me to get back on track with my D management, so tomorrow I see a new Endo. Dr Dajani, Maddison's Endo will see adult patients up to age 40. She is exactly what I need right now. I havent been taking care of myself as I should. I'm only checking my blood sugar 3-6 times a day. Running high WAY TOO OFTEN. I feel low at 90. Its been bad. Im ashamed. What used to be 90's-160's has become 180's to 300's. My A1c is going to be the highest EVER, and when I hear it I might just cry.

The Endo I've had for the past 4 years had to go. Besides being a foot naitze (no flip flops, toe rings, pedicures) she is the type that always expects "perfection." My a1c has been between 6.0-6.3 without much effort since I was diagnosed. My last was 6.5% and the Foot Naitze nagged at me for it. Seriously? If I walked into her office over 7% she'd call me non-compliant. Thats just how she is. (she mostly sees T2 patients anyway) So goodbye foot naitze, I don't need to hear it right now. I need motivation and understanding, not criticism.

There is alot of chaos going on this summer. Im not going into detail, but I have been an emotional train wreck. My mom is also struggling with loneliness, and our hearts are void and broken since my Dads death. We spoke to a counselor that Hospice provided, and it did nothing but take our mending hearts and rip them open. Some things are better left alone. I dont want to recall those 25 days in ICU. I just want to move forward and know my Dad is in peace. Without Diabetes. Without Dialysis. Without the pain of neuropathy and blindness.

So, Ive let my Diabetes care slide in this time of heart ache. I cant eat. I'm nauseated all day. I've lost 10 pounds because I cant eat and my blood sugars remain in the higher range. Im way to thin and I've lost alot of muscle mass. I'm not looking so good. I actually wonder if something else is going on. Maybe my Goiter or Thyroid masses are changing. Who knows. What I do know is today I'm actually back to trying to tame this demon. Diabetes needs to be tamed. I promise to check my sugars more. I promise to eat. I promise to make adjustments where needed instead of just ignoring the fact that my Diabetes isnt easy anymore. My promise to myself. My current BS is 336....and I should be ashamed.

Maddison's numbers have been GREAT. This has been very boring summer, except that Ms Hannah is always entertaining with her silly girlfriends here every day. Its time to get ready for back to school. Where has the summer gone?

Goodbye foot naitze. I need understanding right now, and Dr Dajani is exactly that. I need to get back on track without the guilt of whatever my A1c reveals. I'm moving forward and refuse to look back.