Sunday

Sunday afternoon our local support group met for lunch in the park. As always, it was a bit chaotic with so many kids zooming around and so many parents to catch up with. It is both heartwarming and heartbreaking to see how our group has grown over the past few years. It was the perfect sunny day to spend with families just like us who really know what this life is about. I was so busy chatting with everyone I didnt get to take many pictures! Oh well! Summer is coming soon and I guarantee the long AZ days of summer will bring us all together pool side!

This is why

This is why we check our childrens blood sugar religiously 24/7 and multiple times overnight. ALWAYS. I'm too speechless to say much. Instead, read TRACYS BLOG for ZANE. Tracy is an awesome Mom here in AZ, and part of our local support group. I think she has two of the CUTEST kids EVER too.........Perfect blog post Tracy. You summed it up. Cyber love and hugs to ALL my D Moms, kids and families tonight!!

Spikey Spikey

I have never seen a day like today. For ME that is. I'm sure most kids like Maddison spike after eating, I however, have never done so. I've always confirmed I'm not a spiker, by MANY finger pokes in the early, mid and later days of my Diabetes. Then came the CGM last year...I thought the darn thing was broke! I could slap on that CGM and see nothing but flat lines all day. Totally cool, the proof was right there staring back at me on the CGM! Flat lines!! Today I'm wondering if I USED TO BE a lucky one!

In comes the last few weeks when I can FEEL my blood sugar spiking. My head gets that funny high sugar feel right after I eat. My eyes get a burn feeling. Dry and unfocused. These days I can't think straight after eating, and my brain is super slow to process what I'm hearing and doing. Time to check for spikes. Lots of finger pokes. Spike. Spike. Spike. Super Spiky. The last few days the CGM confirmed. I'm hitting the 200's every time I eat!!! Yesterday and today....280's. 310. OMG, what is happening? Does this mean my "easy" days of Diabetes are over? Do I actually have to figure MYSELF out now? I actually have to work to maintain my
A1c? -UGH- I dont like what the CGM is showing me! I'm spiking so fast that the CGM goes from a flat line, to two arrows up.....and THEN I check with a finger poke....I'm 60-115 points higher that the CGM can keep up with!

Hopefully there aren't too many Dads that read my blog.....PMS? Could be. I do have a different pattern set in my pump that I use for the PMS week. Yep. I am like most in that area! My basals increase the week before my period and then are normal thereafter. The weirdest thing? This week I'm back to 30 minutes of my treadmill followed by 30 minutes of circuit weights, and I have had to INCREASE my basals, and keep the same ratios!! Back in the day when I did this same workout every day
(4-5 days a week that is) I'd have to decrease my basal by 80% for 8 hours AND cut my ratios in HALF. So what the heck is going on?

Actually, I'm kinda freaked out. I'm a little panicked. I've never had problems with my blood sugars. I just bolus and it works. Maybe I'd change a basal rate or two. Tap a ratio up or down. But it always worked out without added stress or the need to put much thought into what I was doing. Something is definitely changing for me. Maybe its the lack of Lilly sleep? HOPEFULLY. OH how it would just SUCK for my Diabetes to decide to live up to the name. DIABETES. Diabetes, you SUCK.

GREMLINS of the night!!!

Dear, sweet, sleepless LILLY! Last night was a tough night all around. Ms Lilly who is too cute and sweet for words, is getting on my last sleepless nerve. Today is day 8 since Lilly has joined our family, which means I’m on day 8 of waking every half hour to every hour hearing puppy screams. When I say screams….I mean it. Puppy screams. Have you ever heard a puppy that’s lonely and has never once been left alone? I have to remind myself over and over that Ms Lilly was suddenly taken from her littermates. And, she is without the comfort of her mommy dog. –Sigh- Poor thing. I’m going a bit bonkers here. I’m not so sympathetic today! Cute little Lilly suddenly looks like a little GREMLIN in my eyes! You should see her teeth attacking the bars of her crate at night. Lilly shakes her head and growls…..Yep….some serious Gremlin anxiety!

Lilly just wants to sleep with someone. She wants to know where Roxxie is at all times. Roxxie has become her Mommy replacement, and, Roxxie isn’t so fond of that idea sometimes. Roxxie also likes her space and we don’t entirely trust her not to snap at Lilly when we aren’t around. Roxxie gets to run the house at night. Lilly cant. Lilly is TINY. Imagine sleeping with a puppy the size of a small Guinea Pig! Lilly just can’t sleep in our bed in fear of us smothering or crushing her. And, she will walk right off the bed. Then there is potty training at night. –Sigh- What have we done? Lilly has been screaming from her crate the last 8 nights. The crate training I’ve always been quick to establish for all our puppies in the past is just not working with tiny Lillie. And today, I AM complaining about it, because when I woke up this morning, I was OUT of coffee!!!

On top of puppy woes, last night again proved to be WEIRD-O night for Maddison’s numbers. Maddison had gone to the neighbor’s house after dinner to play. We had talked about her bolusing on her own for carbs when she’s at friends houses, and we agreed that if she had a carb count on the package she could go ahead and eat and bolus, as long as she let me know when she got home. Which, she did. But, Maddison didn’t have the carb count. She guessed. That’s exactly what I was afraid of! A 9yr old guessing a carb count! And bolusing insulin all on her own!! YIKES.

Luckily, it wasn’t so bad. I say that because I caught Maddison at 81 and was able to give a ton of carbs to keep her safe from a terrible low. (she also jumped on their trampoline and had 1u active!!) Maddison had guessed 5c for one Starburst candy. She had two, so she bloused 10c. GOOD JOB MADDISON! I was very proud that she bolused. But, she guessed a carb count, and over guessed a lot! Maddison knows I ALWAYS just want the insulin dosed to cover the food, so I was very proud that she did so without hiding the candy she ate. But, at the same time it freaked me out. She has an insulin pump attached at her hip!! Just the push of a button. Just the push of a button is all it takes for our kids to be in control of their own body!! In control of a medication that can keep them alive, yet kill them just the same!!

Yes, I caught an impending low, so I wasn’t so freaked out about Maddison bolusing herself. I’m sure I would have had a different reaction had I not caught the low early on. So, Maddison and I talked about the importance of getting the carb count right. I asked her to call me next time if she doesn’t have the carb count on a package. She assured me that I don’t know everything, and I get carb counts wrong too. –Sigh- My Maddie is growing up!

So, anyway....of course you know what happened next. Maddison was too high (201) and needed a correction going to bed. The night before Maddison had an unexplained 300ish high, so I was watching basals again anyway. An hour later Lilly woke up. So, I checked Maddison. She was 280. Corrected that. 90 minutes later, Lilly woke up. Maddison was…..479!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well….THANK YOU LILLY! I’m glad I didn’t sleep that extra hour only to see a HI staring back at me on the next BS check! (ONE NIGHT IS ALL IT TAKES INDEED FACEBOOK FRIENDS!!!) Sorry, but that’s TOO high for a basal problem! I knew the site was good before bed, so I checked the tubing instead. There it was! Nearly 3 INCHES of an AIR BUBBLE!!! ACK! Ketones were large. I primed the bubble line out, rebolused some missed basal and extra insulin. Set the alarm for an hour later. 401. Lilly was kind enough to wake me every hour to check Maddie’s high until 4am when I couldn’t take it anymore. Maddison was back down to 270 so I let Lilly run around the house with Roxxie! (or sleep with Roxxie at least!) I just couldn’t do it anymore!! I needed to sleep from 4-6! I had too! I woke up to Lilly zooming around the house with Momma Roxxie. No potty mess anywhere! THANK GOODNESS!!

I hooked myself back up to the CGM yesterday. I’m running much higher than normal in the mornings. (Gee, I wonder why) My meter read 100 when I went to bed, the CGM read 80. So, I left it. At some point the low alarms started sounding at 70. Then the CGM read that I was 60. I wasn’t. I was 108. I must say, the Minimed CGM is awesome for the fact that it vibrates very strongly when you don’t respond to the low alarm. It woke ME up. Just like we expect it too! A good thing for the night!

Another weird-O thing, last night I also had a nightmare. I’m sure it was triggered by the low alarms I kept hearing and feeling on the CGM. I kept turning them off, but they came back on saying I was low. That was irritating on top of an irritating night! Since the CGM alarms were on my mind all night, I dreamed that I had a heart attack. What’s a CGM have to do with a heart attack? Well, when my Dad had his heart attack his BS hit over 1,000. One of doctors tried to tell us that BS wouldn’t be affected by a heart attack. He blamed HIM for being that high before the heart attack!! They said his “uncontrolled Diabetes” and blood sugar of over 1,000 caused the heart attack!!!!!

So, in my dream, the CGM caught it all. My BS spiked up to over 1000 just like my Dads did when he had the heart attack back in December. (Only in my dream the CGM said my BS was something even crazier, like 2100) Funny how dramatic dreams can be! I remember feeling so proud in my dream because the CGM showed proof that heart attacks induce such a BS spike. So, the next thing I knew I was dreaming of how I took that CGM to the meanie, ignorant doctor and made him eat his words. I don’t know what ever happened to my heart attack in the dream….but I sure was happy to have confronted that Doctor!! LOL

So there is my crazy night! Somehow, it all comes down to Diabetes NEVER sleeps and neither do WE!!! Diabetes is.....a GREMLIN, and so is LILLY!!!

Two Months

Two months ago today, I was sure. I was comfortable with our decision. I knew it was for the best, and I knew there just wasn't any hope. In my heart I knew the reality, and had accepted it. Completely.

I know my Dad heard us fighting for him, two months ago today. I know he heard us pleading with the doctors to stop his suffering. Hospice was the answer. I was sure. We were all sure. We had found peace in our decison. Today, my heart continues to ache. Two months ago, we sat at my Dads bedside holding his hand. Silently. Waiting for transport to Hospice. For 4 long hours we waited, it seemed like an eternity. Watching my Dad be transferred to the stretcher and then wheeled down the hall was surreal. Somehow, I stayed calm inside. It was a feeling I will never forget. How did we end up here? How could something so "simple" have gone so wrong? Does he know he's being taken from here?

Josh and I drove in silence following the ambulance to Hospice. I wanted to just keep driving. I didn't want to get there. I kept wondering how my Mom and sister were feeling inside the ambulance with him. It hurt so much, just traveling behind. Two months ago, I had no idea how the loss of a parent would change who you are. Change your entire perspective of life. In just a few short breaths. Its only been two months, yet today it feels like an eternity.

Today, I remember my Dads smile. His gorgeous blue eyes. His infectious laugh. Its been very hard to let go of the tragedy we have experienced. Even harder to not think about what My Dad went through. But, days like today I have to take back my heart ache and refocus. I'm at peace with my Dads passing. I really am. No more Dialysis. No more chronic back pain. No more Neuropathy. No more blindness. No more pain. No more Diabetes. A peaceful no more. Today, my Dad is whole.... I wish I felt the same.

Dear Sweet, Sleepless Lilly

Three nights down. I expected sleep by night four. I highly doubt it tonight. Dear, Sweet little Lilly. -Sigh- Our family has raised 5 Goldens puppies throughout the years, (besides our litter of 8) and none have been THIS sleepless. You see, little Lilly weighs just 1 pound 12 ounces. Little puppies have the tiniest bladders I guess. Lilly woke up every half hour the first two nights. EVERY HALF HOUR, on top of a low night for Maddison. That was a mess. Last night was better, she almost slept for 2 hours stretches! Let me tell ya, this tiny puppy can really SCREAM from her crate when she needs to potty! Lilly misses her 9 other litter mates. And, apparently she wasn't fully weaned as they promised. Dear, Sweet Lilly is killing me.

I'm not sure I was even this tired when my kids were born! Seriously. Diapers are easy compared to potty training a puppy with a bladder the size of a....sunflower seed!! Feeding a newborn was simple too, just pop 'em on the breast and snooze a bit! Not so much for puppy. Running everywhere. Along side the pool! Gotta make sure she doesn't get trampled by the older dogs! Lilly doesn't sleep. If she senses she is alone during the day, she wakes up and searches for you, screaming a puppy cry all the way. I almost have started to wonder if there is something wrong with this dog! As soon as she's asleep, she wakes up! Oh, and get this....little breeds such as this are prone to hypoglycemia until they reach about 3lbs. YES....now, I'm worried about the dogs blood sugar!!! They suggested I rub Karo syrup in her gums once a day until then. So, after Lilly runs around the backyard for what seems like hours (chasing the Goldens) I just go ahead and give her a tiny bit then too! I'm sure all that running around makes her low right!!?? One lap in our backyard is miles to a dog her size! -Sigh-

Today was Spring Cleaning day. All the stuff that never gets done. I washed baseboards, walls, floors, blinds, laundry, dusted the dust balls way up high. Scrubbed the pool, organized kids rooms....you know. All THAT stuff. I decided to officially declare that house cleaning CURES Diabetes. Sure does for me anyway! I cant tell you how many mini packs of Skittles and juice I've had today. GAG.

Maddison's basals are about 30% less for Spring break right now too. And, we havent really even been that active. A boring break for a change. Nothing exciting, because Sleepless Lilly needs constant attention right now. Maddison's loving it. Me? Ummmmmm.......lets just say, next time I'll stick to the Golden pup thank you. These little dogs are crazy!

Seeing the Lantus

It's just before midnight, and I'm really starting to see the Lantus from this mornings little mishap begin to take over. Sure, Maddison was only given 2u of Lantus in error, but 2u of Lantus to Maddison is ALOT.

This is gonna be a long night. Maddison was happy to get that extra snack before bed, thats a plus. She sure is excited about little Ms Lillie. Maybe thats where the lows are coming from. Excitement. Could be. Who knows. Either way, you can bet tomorrow I'm gonna need a double shot espresso! Maybe two!

64....72.....another snack. A little girl all cuddled in bed, happy as can be. Thats all that really matters. I will be SO relieved when this Lantus is out of her system tomorrow and life can resume without such intense worry and fear. Something tells me tomorrow is going to make up for todays chaos. A happy girl with her new furry friend. Two goldens eager for their morning walk. Birds singing all around us...an 80 degree day. Yes, tomorrow is sure to be a better day.

Meet Lillie

"Lillie" is what you get when your 9yr old saves her money. Lillie is a Bichon mixed with Chihuahua, just over 1 pound and 7weeks old. We are officially little dog people! Diego our boy Golden couldn't care less about this little furr ball roaming the house. Roxxie our Momma Golden, is once again naturally watching out for baby Lille. She's such a good Momma dog! We shall see how tonight goes. I thought I was sleep deprived before! HA! Everyone knows the first week away from litter mates means that puppies will cry all night long! Welcome baby Lillie, Maddison will be a great momma for you!

My Day

In December 2005 I remember feeling like a psycho chick. I zoomed around with a weird panicky type feeling all the time. Like my heart was working overtime. Palpitating. Speeding me up into overdrive. I couldnt control my outbursts. Meltdowns. Like I was a kid again, with no control over the mean things that came from my mouth. I was totally ashamed of my behavior, I felt like someone else. I thought it was the new depression meds. I stopped taking them right away.

In mid January I realized how starving I was ALL the time. I thought it was the new higher impact workouts. I had switched from daily jogging to interval training. Yep. Thats gotta be why I eat almost constantly. Right? I still continued to be a total "bitch" even to my kids. But, I was weaning off some meds that weren't for me. I'd fall asleep every night snuggled next to Maddison and Hannah in bed. I was supposed to be reading them their bedtime stories, but I couldnt sit down without my eyeballs rolling around in my head from shear exhaustion. I'd fall asleep almost instantly. Weird. I blamed the med changes for that too. By February I realized I was having frequent muscle cramps in my legs. I was waking at night to pee. I've never done that before. But I was peeing so much because I was drinking so much. Right?

I knew what was going on. But denial is a real thing. Neighbors started to comment on my weight loss. Well, yes....of course! I'm working out more than ever you know! Then came the last week when all I could do was lie on the couch. Literally. I couldnt stay awake. My vision turned to blurry. It was then that I realized this was real.

St Patricks Day 2006. My A1c came back at 13%. I always knew I would end up with Diabetes. I dont know why, maybe it was just paranoia from my Dads life with Diabetes, I dont know. But when it was really here, I couldnt believe it. My doctor explained I likely have Type 1.5, a mixture between T1 and T2....with adult onset. He called me in an RX for Metformin and Actos. He didnt know any better. My Cpeptide was never tested, and he didnt know enough to check antibodies. I was referred to an Endo. I couldnt get an appointment for 4 weeks.

For two weeks I took those pills, until I really thought I was dying. I guess I was. I started to look for another Endo, ANYONE that could get me in sooner. Nothing. The more reading I did online the more I knew this wasn't T2. The more I read about DKA and all the realities of this new life. So, I called back my PCP and told him how I couldnt get my blood sugar under 250. He sent me to the ER.

In the ER I was given Novolog for the first time. I hit 82 within an hour, and MAN. Let me tell you. After an A1c of 13% for who knows how long, that 82 felt like death. 82 was WAY too low for me to feel good. Juice and Graham crackers. Sent home. Without anything.

I lucked out and got an appointment the next day with another Endo. He ordered additional labs. That was it. I stressed that I was T1, not T2 and I needed insulin not pills. I waited another day or two for those labs to come back. My Cpeptide was around 1.5 (or something like that) and I had GAD antibodies. So, the MA in the office called me to give me the news. All she had to say was I had antibodies, and they were calling me in an RX for Lantus. Start with 5units at night, call in 4 weeks for a followup. That was it.

I was entirely left on my own. I joined a forum group online and started learning right away from the patients themselves. Most were T1 that were now adults, diagnosed as children. I learned everything there. Sure, I grew up with a father who had Type 1...but it was never talked about. I was on just Lantus for almost a year until I needed to add Novolog. I learned all that there too. Just ask a question, and you'd get tons of responses right away. Thank goodness for the internet! I was healthier right away because of it!

I was never really worried for myself back then. I was TERRIFIED of lows. I would NEVER go to bed with Novolog still in my system. I just couldnt. It took me almost 2years to get over the fear of lows when sleeping. I think my biggest fear was not waking up. Having my kids find me dead in bed. I felt so much better after starting insulin. I resumed my workouts and ended up being in the best shape ever. It was awesome. I felt like I could conquer the world, and I knew Diabetes would not defeat me. Then 9 months later Maddison was diagnosed. And all that changed. Life has never been the same since.

So, for me, it wasn't MY DAY that changed me. It was Maddison's day. I thought I had some brilliant things to say about MY last 4 years of having Diabetes. I guess I dont. Maddison's diagnosis and life with Diabetes kinda takes all of ME over. Today I'm just happy that I can truely understand what she feels. I really am. We are not in this alone. We have each other. So, here's to 4 years of kicking D's butt! Many more to come :)

Craziness

Another weird site change last night! This is how my thinking goes.....Maddison had a LONG bath. Which meant, she missed some basal dosing while her pump was off. I could dose the missed insulin, or wait and see what happens since Spring Break has equalled lows all hours of the day and night. This was also the first night of basal reductions. And, a site change. So, ya got 3 things to consider.

I checked Maddison in at 280 for sleeping. Corrected that. Two hours later, she's still 260. I take the assumption that her site is ok, but she really missed quite a bit of basal OR the basal changes for the night were just TOO much. Probably both. I corrected the 260 and Maddison was down to 160 within 2 hours. That means the site is ok right?

I was off to work, rechecked Maddison first, and she's back to the 200's. Corrected that at went on my way while Maddie slept in peacefully. I called my dear husband at breakfast time to see what Maddison's number was, and to warn him that I think her site is a bit weird, or that basal changes were just to much. I wanted him to check often today.

ME: "What was Maddison's BS before she ate?"

HIM: "I didnt check it. I thought you did"

ME: FREAKING OUT.

Wouldnt you think husbands could be on top of D for ONE day? Just look back in the damn meter and see what her last number was and what time it was checked!

I tried to focus back to my work and let him deal with it. Then my phone rings. Maddison is HI. Now, I FREAK. I'm telling you, Josh has the worst luck. Every-single-time I leave Maddison home with him something like THIS happens. It never fails. So, I had to explain to him how sites can just sometimes "go bad" because he just didnt understand how Maddison could have gone down to 160 over night then back up. -Sigh- Ketones are small. I'm irritated. I feel bad for Maddie. Now he has to deal with it at home while I worry at work. No big deal right?

An hour later my phone rings and all I hear is my Dear husband chewing me out. He had just realized he filled Maddison's pump with NPH and gave her a nice big correction, plus additional for missed basals. He wanted to know WHY we have NPH in the fridge. Well, we have it because it was my Dads! I'm supposed to be donating it!! So, in his fury, he took out his frustration on me for having NPH in the fridge. It was ugly. We were both freaked out and furious with each other. Long dramatic day cut short, Maddison was down to 370 within 2 hours. The Endo ordered us to disconnect the pump for several hours since NPH was working as the new basal. We have been bolusing food in half doses. This day is far from over, but so far Maddison's in the 300's which is better than HI and better than the 3o's.

Now what all the initial drama is over, I'm relieved to find out that what Josh actually filled the pump with was an old vial of Lantus. So, it isnt even NPH, its just 2 units of Lantus that shouldnt be there. THANK GOODNESS! Diabetes can turn ugly REALLY fast. The hike they had planned today just couldnt happen. Damn Diabetes. I'm going to have some quiet time now, wondering what tonight will bring!

Migraines, TMI

Last night I was suddenly taken over by a horribly bad headache. All I wanted to do was go to sleep, but Maddison and I were both hoovering in the 70's, too low with active insulin from dinner to go to sleep. Damn Diabetes!

My headache intensified by the minute, now with rubber band tight muscles down my neck and sensitivity to light. I haven't had a migraine since pregnancies, so naturally...the hypochondriac that I am was sure I had meningitis! I waited each 20minutes to recheck both our sugars. We just weren't budging! Damn Diabetes, I just need to sleep! An hour later I just couldnt stay awake another second. By then, Maddie and I both had zero active insulin but were still in the 90's, so I forced more juice into both of us and set the alarm for an hour later. I HAD to go to sleep to stop this pain.

I didnt even make it to the alarm. I was up out of bed sweating with heart palpitations after about 40 minutes. I was short of breath. Confused. Weak. I seriously thought something else was VERY wrong and I wondered if I should wake Josh to tell him. I checked my sugar which was 130. I was sure Diabetes was to blame. When all else fails, I blame Diabetes. Know why? Because Diabetes is scary. When you are sick and have Diabetes, it makes you feel totally out of control, unable to help my own self....because you never know when Diabetes takes back the control.

So there I was with my face in the toilet, puking my guts out while my head wanted to explode. YUCK. Migraines SUCK. WEIRD. From out of nowhere. Fearing what vomiting would do to my BS, I set a temp basal so I could sleep. I woke up an hour later at 195 feeling worse yet. Cant I just sleep without this worry!!??

I was freaked out because the puking. Without Diabetes, puking would just be puking. No biggie. It sucks, but you will likely be fine. I felt like death while being consumed with worry over what my BS would do now. I just needed sleep, and I was too afraid to sleep. Because of Diabetes. I checked my ketones. Negative. I woke Josh to tell him to check on me before work. Then I fell asleep.

Then I dreamed some terrible dreams. I dreamed that the girls couldnt wake me up that morning. They called Josh at work, who called an ambulance, but it was too late. I had died in my sleep. Because of Diabetes. Something just went wrong, because vomiting and Diabetes IS a big deal. In my dream I could feel my childrens sorrows. I worried that Maddison would fear for herself in the future. I dreamed that Hannah ended up a teenage mess. I hate dreams that you can actually feel the emotions!

One Migraine caused so much emotional drama for me. I woke up this morning reminded that ***I*** actually have Diabetes. An unpredictable disease. My Diabetes is usually there silently. I've never really worried about myself, for I have enough worry for Maddison alone. Now, I'm not so sure. **I** have Diabetes? This may sound strange, but I've never really thought about what that means for ME.

Loosing my Dad has changed who I am. These days I'm paranoid that I will follow him down that path of complications. What if heredity really does play part in your risk of complications, regardless of how well you manage the disease? I'm worried about my eyes. I'm no stranger to back pain, I'm sure my kidneys are failing. All my recent lows have me convinced I have gastoparesis just the same as my Dad. I think about death and dying alot. Lately I'm sure I'm going to die young, because of Diabetes. My confession. This is what my Dads death has done to me. I'm irrational when it comes to health, I'm fearful. I don't trust ANY doctors anymore and I'm consumed with thoughts of what lies ahead health wise for me and those I love.

I'm supposed to schedule a Hysterectomy for precancer of my cervix and my long standing Endometriosis. But, I cant. In my irrational mind, I'm certain I will die on the operating table. I'm certain I will get a hospital acquired infection, just like my Dad. I'm certain the surgeon will puncture something. I'm sure my blood sugars will whack out, or the hospital will screw up my insulin and cause DKA or seizures. I just can't schedule the surgery right now. I need to wait for this stage of grief to pass. I just can't trust anyone when it comes to ANYTHING that has to do with surgery. I just can't. I know I'm going through all this irrational thinking because those 25 days I spent in ICU with my Dad. I sat there 10 hours a day watching him suffer. Watching doctors screw up orders and cause more problems. Feeling hopeless, helpless and guilty for everything he was going through.

I'm back to hating Diabetes for what it took from my Dad. I'm not liking this fearful place I'm in. I've read that being pre-occupied with death or dying after loosing a loved one is common. Its weird, I can't make it stop. When I was at my Endo appt last week my Potassium was low and she was questioning my cortisol level (stress hormone) and something about an acute adrenal crisis. She told me that if I continue to have lows, heart palpitations or shortness of breath I need to call her STAT for additional labs. I've had the lows for sure, but until last night I didnt have any other concerns. I have to keep telling myself last night was just a MIGRAINE, while my irrational side says I'm surely dying.

I'm convinced my Mom and Josh both have lung cancer. I'm convinced my sisters are dying too. I'm sure my kids have some looming cancer or weird undiscovered disease. I'm afraid Maddison is going to go to sleep and never wake up. Because of Diabetes. I guess I'm afraid of loss right now. My Dad was the first person I was close to that died. Add to that the way in which he died and you get something that eats me alive to this day. I thought I was coping fine and healing my broken heart. I guess not. This really sucks. I know its silly. But its there. I just cant stop thinking of death and dying. Grieving is a weird thing. The stages we go through is bizarre. Stress from it all sucks. I guess I have a long way to go.

I lied

So, I guess I lied. A few posts back I said my Diabetes was “almost always” cooperative and all I had to do was make some adjustments and “things just worked out fine.” You’d think by now I would have learned NOT to say these things, for Diabetes listens and comes back to make us eat our words, seemingly overnight!

Lows, lows, lows. I’ve been having nothing but lows. I’m so tired of eating sugary candy while shaking in confusion. I could just scream. I’ve changed basals. I’ve changed ratios. I took away pre-bolusing. I’ve tried square wave boluses. I’ve tried increasing my protein, but, I still go low. Nothing but lows since we came back from CO. I think I left my old body there! So, I lied. Today I AM pissed off at the numbers! For the first time in a LONG time, its MY numbers that are ticking me off!

I’m also pissed with Maddison’s numbers! Sorry, scratch the last post where I said I wasn’t! As of last night, I AM! Daytime numbers for Maddie at school are pretty good actually. AFTER school still throws in a 250 or so, which is VERY odd for that time of day. I did however, beat up the post dinner number with yet another ratio change, and she ended up at 125 going to bed! FINALLY!!! I THOUGHT last night would be the night I could clearly see how basals are doing. I expected her to rise MAYBE 30pts in the next few hours. I was SO excited thinking I would get to sleep a straight 3-4 hours. NOPE! An hour later Maddison was 180. I corrected that knowing what was coming. 263 two hours later, followed by 286 even though a correction was given! BLECH! I changed her nighttime sensitivity, but I also need to get on those basals! AGAIN!!

These highs are pushing my sleep deprived buttons! I just want my girl to be stable at night damn it! Is that really too much to ask!!?? I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it a thousand more times...I WONDER if Endo’s know how often we change insulin dosing? Have they any idea? Do they know how constantly changing children’s insulin needs really are?

Ahhhh…and the best part? Spring break starts MONDAY!!! So, what does that mean?? That means even if by some miracle I get things figured out TODAY....Spring Break will throw it all off anyway!!!!! Yes, it sure will! I’m seeing that there isn’t any sleep in my near future. I’ll be chasing numbers at least until school starts again AFTER Spring break. –Sigh- I know, I should know by now, this is how D goes. It never fails to amaze me when we go through these terrible, horrible, long spells of constantly changing needs. Maybe some day I’ll stop complaining about it. But, for today, I’m tired dang it!

Lets find a new name for Diabetes. How about Paininmomsass disease? Maybe constantlychanginginsulinneeds disease? How about anti-insulinwilldriveyoubonkers disease? Youneverknowwhatthedayholds disease? Hmmmm.....thats sounds better than DIABETES. I'm gonna get you figured out soon Diabetes, just you wait!

Choices

Maddison’s numbers have been screwy. I can’t tell you the last time we had predictability. First it was highs that needed to be conquered in the mornings after breakfast. Triple basals did it. Good for MAYBE 3 days. Then low. So, I switched the basals back. Still low. Decreased them further. MAYBE two good days, then the highs came back. Fixed that. Then highs at bedtime. Then after lunch. Then ALL night. Change, adjust, switch. This time of day, that time of day. This ratio, that ratio. Constantly changing something. You know how it goes.

But, guess what? For the first time ever…..I wasn’t pissed about it. I just did what I had to do. No cursing Diabetes. No losing sleep over horrid number stress (except for checking basals of course) It felt really good, for the first time EVER in three years to not STRESS about chaotic numbers. Did I hate those numbers deep down? YEP. But they didn’t stress me out. I just adjusted things and moved on, knowing I’m doing my best. Knowing I know what needs to be done and where. For the first time ever in 3 years, the numbers aren’t eating me alive! I never thought I would get to this place. Everyone told me I would, but I never believed them. I guess one day you really do just see the numbers as something to fix, not something that stresses you out! Of course, if this continues much longer, I might end up pretty ticked off and be singing a different tune!

Last night Maddison had her site changed an hour before bed. She was 273. Two hours later she was 413. Hmmm....corrected that. An hour later, 486. An obvious site failure. Maddison has only had 4 failed sites in three years. I should have known better with the first 413 number. I wondered of course, but chose to correct one more time before pulling the site. Stupid, I know. Lesson learned….pull the site with the first crazy high! So, what if I took a night off and didn’t wake up to recheck that 273? Maddison would have been VERY VERY sick within a few hours of having ZERO insulin in her body. That’s one major downfall of the pump. When a site goes bad, things get serious VERY quickly. Sleeping through the night is NOT an option for a lot of Moms with D kids, especially when you use an insulin pump. Bad sites = DKA within hours. DKA = a very sick child that needs to get to the ER STAT. Your child could even DIE. Sleeping through the night? Its just not an option most nights, especially on a site change night. That DOES piss me off! Why doesn’t the pump know when a site goes bad!!? Why doesn’t the pump know the insulin isn’t being pushed through the tubing!!??

My poor Maddie, felt like crap this morning. She was down to 85 for breakfast with zero insulin from corrections, but still had moderate ketones. 20 minutes after eating, she was 62. In one night we went from one potential emergency situation to another. From impending DKA to a low that could have caused just as many scary issues. Some days, you just can’t win. Now I wonder what the rest of the school day holds for Maddie. Will she be high from over correcting the low after breakfast? What are her basal needs THIS week? Will this be a low week or a high week? When will this end? What happened to the predictability we once had? What happened to getting insulin doses adjusted just right for months at a time? Sometimes, I think shots are easier. Sometimes, I think the expectation of todays D management is just too much. Testing 10-12 times a day is the norm around here, for Maddison anyway. That’s at least 70 finger pokes a week. When is it just too much? When do you step back and say Diabetes is in control right now and nothing I can do is working so we might as well back off a little? The answer is, you never back off. You just can’t. Its exhausting. Its aggravating. Its necessary. There isn’t a choice.

Had I chose to sleep through the night last night, Maddison could be in heaven today. That’s reality. Sure, we probably would have made it to the ER and defeated DKA….but what if we didn’t and Diabetes won? Even though I’m not angry with Diabetes today, I can honestly say that FEAR is never far away. I wish people understood. I wish people gave T1 the same respect and concern as other serious diseases. I wish...we had a cure.

Who? Me? The foot Naitze!

******I must say, my Diabetes is unlike anyone Else's Diabetes!! I have it "easy" compared to most. I make dosing changes, correct highs, give a little effort and all is good for my numbers. UNLIKE Maddison's Diabetes which requires CONSTANT efforts and an incredible amount of detailed decision making! My Diabetes takes minimal efforts, whereas Maddison's makes me insane. Just an FYI. I dont want to be thought of as someone that "brags" or "boasts" about my A1c. I just do what I need to do and it works. I'm a lucky one!!**********

This afternoon I'll be going to see my Endo. I haven't been to an appointment since last April. At that time, my A1c was 6.0% and she gave me the go ahead to come in every year (or maybe it was every 6mo??) since my highest A1c since starting the pump in 2007 was 6.2%. This was a miracle gift from this woman I tell ya! Anyone who's followed my blog over the years knows my Endo is very controlling. She is very unrealistic and......ummm......perfecting. HA! Perfecting and Diabetes should never be used together in the same sentence!

She tells me things like:

I cannot/should not wear flip flops or toe rings. (seriously, she tells me this every time!!) I'm supposed to buy "a good pair of Diabetic shoes" LOL!! I'm only 32 lady!! Who? Me?

NO PEDICURES ALLOWED. Too much risk with those sharp files and clippers I guess. (insert giggles here)

I should try harder to get my morning 130 number under 80 (with a 6.0 a1c!!) Even though I go to bed at that number at sit totally stable all night! Ummmm....I'll just take the 130 thank you. Some things just can't be fixed and cause more harm than good trying to make it "better." Trust me. 130 is better than 30. Tried it!

My weight is a concern because I gain and lose weight each visit. Last visit I was 124lbs but she wants me around 120 where I was when I started seeing her. (ACK!) Is she for real??!! She expects me to maintain "stable" weight! Who? Me?

She doesn't understand why I need to wake in the middle of the night to check Maddison's BS multiple times. She says I need my sleep to help control my Diabetes. YA THINK?

She always wants me to "log" and fax my numbers to her so she can adjust insulin where needed. Who? Me? LOL! I seriously laugh to that! NO THANKS! I think I'm doing just fine lady! When I hit the 8's and can't figure it out, I'll let you know :)

She considers an A1c over 7.0 to be grounds for "non-compliance" and you will be deemed "uncontrolled"

My A1c in October was 6.5. I missed that appointment but called for the A1c result. I think she might FREAK OUT on me today. Most times, I really do like this Endo besides the fact that she wears her panties too tight. I usually chuckle inside hearing her comments. If she catches me on the wrong day though, she makes me want to scream. Or argue. Which, I will do just to prove that I'M still the expert in my own care. :) I'm off to see her now......

AFTER THE ENDO APPOINTMENT

Well, my A1c came back at 6.4 which is pretty good considering how lazy I've been. My blood sugar the time of the blood draw was 54. OOPS. I was on a mad cleaning frenzy that morning before the blood draw and I didnt check myself before I rushed off to the lab. I got lectured for that. As I should have been. I need to be checking more often. And, always before I drive. BAD ME.

A weird thing, my Potassium was low. Under 2.5 as a matter of fact. Hypokalaemia. That words makes me want to vomit. I heard it a bit too much when my Dad was in the hospital. So, my Endo ordered STAT labs and I had it repeated along with a liver panel, cortisol and detailed CBC. Lets hope the 2.5 wasn't correct, or, has corrected itself since last weeks blood draw. WEIRD.

All was good today visiting my Endo, she didnt even lecture me for missing my last appointment. Then came the foot exam. I guess I should be happy she takes my feet so seriously. But, it still makes me giggle inside. Silently. I always wonder if I need to remind her that I'm only 4yrs into diagnosis? Sometimes its just better not to say anything and just go along with it :)

Dr P: "Your heels are calloused, you need to watch out for that. If they start to crack you are at risk of infection"

Me: "Ohhh, yeah....thats because I'm barefoot all the time." (Oh Shit! I shouldnt have said that to the foot naitze!)

Dr P: (gasping) "I thought we have talked about total foot care!" You should never, ever be barefoot. Not even in your own home, you need to wear house shoes! But, I guess thats your choice if you choose not to. Just know that you are putting your feet at risk."

Wow. All I could do was giggle inside while kicking myself for slipping out my barefoot habit to the foot Naitze! Bring on the spring and summer. Bring on the toe rings and barefoot days by the pool! Sorry foot Naitze....its time for you to chill.

Colorado Crossroads 2010 Tournament

Hannah's team "Synergy" took 21st place out of 60 other National teams in this weekends Crossroads Tournament! Not so bad considering our girls were a MESS on Sunday. They just couldn't pull the team together. Every one's play was off, and almost every girl on the team was feeling ICK of some sort. Gotta love the germs of airports and airplanes :( The tournament took place at the downtown Denver convention center. 75 volleyball courts is an amazing sight, Hannah's HEAVEN! ALOT OF NOISE!!

So what is it with low blood sugars when you travel to higher elevations? Friday Maddison and I were both low, low, low ALL DAY. Saturday a temp basal reduction helped us both....but by Saturday Maddison had ICK. Sore throat, headache...the whole thing. She spent ALL DAY Saturday and Sunday over 250. ICK. But, of course, the plane ride home on Monday started with a low (71) for Maddison that was working its way down quickly. I had to treat that twice...and her lows haunted me all night. I left Maddison at a "stable" 180 to go to bed, not wanting to correct the high when I REALLY needed sleep with my lingering head cold. She was 60 by 2am, then stayed there all night! Elevation? Weird stuff. Basals that worked a few nights while we were home in Phoenix are not needed anymore I guess. As if traveling wasn't a PITA enough. Here I go again with the basal chasing I guess.

I gotta mention, I met a Colorado Mom who's daughter was dx'd at age 6....I had just been walking through the convention center with Maddison at my side, treating her low with juice. I couldn't help but wonder as I looked around the room at all these great young athletes if one of them played with Diabetes. I was thinking to myself...how the heck would I keep Hannah feeling physically her best to play the game without risking a low during play? Of course Hannah doesn't have D...but how do Moms manage D on the Volleyball court? Sure enough....about an hour later I saw a Mom across the court walk up to her daughter with that familiar black zippered case. Too funny! Her daughter was talking with her team to the coach and I saw the girl tell her mom "JUST A MINUTE MOM! I KNOW!" What a pain Diabetes is!! Poor girl, being bothered by Diabetes when she's just trying to play the game! So, I HAD to go walk over and chat with that fellow D Mom. She was very nice, and I just had to tell her how I thought she was an awesome Mom for managing D on that court. Its such an added hassle and worry. Aren't we all great for all we do!!?? :)

Weird thing....on Saturay I woke up with my left thigh numb. Still is. Of course, I'm freaked out about Neuropathy....but that just cant be! A pinched nerve maybe? I've got some weird stuff going on. I came home from work a bit early today. Fever, ear pain, sore throat. My neck muscles and glands are all swollen. ICK. OUCH. Thank goodness it was Joshs day off! I climbed in bed and slept from 2-8pm! Maddison helped me treat a 41 low about an hour after I fell asleep. In my sleeping grogginess, I told Maddison I was low and she ran to get my meter while I stayed curled up under the blankets. She checked me and made sure I drank all my juice. I love that girl. I fell right to sleep (yikes) and didnt even know she rechecked me about an hour later. I was 71 and she woke me up for more juice!! My girls' got my back!

We had a great trip. Hannah's team had alot of time to bond and have fun together between games. They learned alot. We watched the top girls Volleyball teams in the nation. The girls were inspired. They learned about determination and how important good chemistry is to a team. We didnt even freeze in the cold weather! Maddison LOVED the snow. What an awesome experience. And so, the season continues. GO SYNERGY!