Through the microscope

Today was a useless day spent hoovering around school, trying to make sense of lows and highs. I knew it would be, but I also couldn't walk away from a LO or the 3 weeks past of 20's, 30's and 40's that randomly try to beat my child down. I'm analyzing more than ever now. Every single second of Maddison's day was under the scope today. As I expected, Maddison was too high today. I didnt change a single thing from yesterday. So why Lo, 24 and 54 yesterday and not today? Through the microscope, this is what I saw......

At lunch time Maddison was a too high 245. WTF!!?? I wanted to curse out loud! Is this one abnormally high number for this time of day going to screw up all the other numbers for the day!??? Most days Maddison is coming into lunch in range. Of course she didnt today. That would be too easy. Ok, she's eating lunch too high, at 245. No big deal, we are still sticking to plan. We will still bolus AFTER lunch, but bolus the correction now. I cant tell you how many times I doubted that decision, being worried of lows. Being that I was overly tired from last nights pending low weirdness.....I could have swooped Maddison up, headed for home right then and there and just called it a day. But, I couldn't and I didn't.

The nurse seemed increasingly irritated of my presence. "Aren't you going to lunch with Maddison?" she asked. "No, I'm "spying" today" I said. (spying on Maddison, not the nurse) If Maddison is tossing her PB sandwich in the trash causing these random serious lows , I will see it from afar. Sneaky Peaky spying as Junie B Jones would say :) So, after Maddison went to lunch I secretly followed. (She thought I was just helping out in the nurse's office today) I haven't TRUELY decided if running wild is causing these lows, or if Maddison may really be ditching part of her lunch. Why would she do that? Who knows? Nothing seems to make sense anymore. I'm just trying to make sense of it all. Under the scope, every little detail mattered today. Strangely, Maddison was done eating lunch in about 10 minutes flat. Back to the nurse for her bolus she went.

After bolusing Maddison for her lunch, she went off to recess. I soon followed. Under the scope, here is what I saw....

Maddison playing in the sand. Zooming around a little, but certainly no running laps today. I could see teachers wondering why I was spying at my child from behind the building, but, at this point I dont care how crazy I might look! And....thats about it. Seeing recess I KNEW today would be a high day for Maddison. Very little activity. But, at least it wouldnt be a LOW day right? I decided to ask the duty teachers what they have stashed in their "emergency" kit. I explained why I was spying on Maddison, and asked if anyone was aware that Maddison could have a low blood sugar reaction on the playground. YEP. They were well versed with who Maddison is, and why she goes to the nurse so often. Unfortunetly, the only thing carried in the "emergency" bag is BANDAIDS. Bandaids wont do much for low blood sugar. WHERE IS THE QUICK SUGAR THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE?

Maddison went back to class after recess and I headed off to the Nurse's office. I've got a few minutes to brain storm with the nurse before I take my spot sitting in low alert in the classroom. What do I see besides the normal 10-12 kids filling up the office? The Paramedics. A young boy on the stretcher being tended to while the Principals zoom around. The Nurse is reporting vitals. The nurse's aid is tending to 4 other boys vomiting. Chaos. Not chaos over just one boy. Seven 8th graders decided to pop some pills in the bathroom. Outside the office window I can see 4 patrol cars. 2 Engines, 4 ambulances and parents. Parents are starting to fill the halls. CHAOS. In the end, just the one boy was transported by ambulance, but it wasn't good.

Its always eerie to see the paramedics at school. You really just never know what may happen after dropping your kids off at school for the day. Yesterdays LO surely reminded me of that today. Anyway, I explained to Maddison's teacher the seriousness of her lows lately, and offered to help out while I sat in the classroom to watch for lows. At 1hr PP Maddison came to me for feeling low. She was 315. Hmmm, thats expected with this crazy high 1:45 ratio and no running wild laps. Definitely an entire lunch eaten. I saw it with my own eyes. An hour later it was snack time, 2 hrs PP with a BS of 312. Skip the snack today and head for the "free" food. 3 hrs PP 245.

Tomorrow? I need to go work! I think I feel safe enough having Dad do the sneaky peaky spying for lunch and recess since its his day off. Today I learned nothing but what I already knew. I'm still confused. I'm still assuming that either food is being thrown away, or wild recess is causing serious lows. At 7am before school tomorrow we have Maddison's annual IEP review. This should interesting since the Nurse didnt even know until I mentioned it to her today. -Sigh- I guess for right now we are back to living day to day. I thought those days had past. Damn you Diabetes!

Lo

This morning I went in to speak with the nurse yet again about Maddison's lows following lunch. I expected to walk in there quickly before leaving for work, ask her to make sure not to bolus any carbs before Maddison ate her lunch, and make sure she was aware of Maddison's running wild at recess. What I didnt expect was for her to show me LO, 24 and 54 on Maddison's meter recorded yesterday. LO. LO means blood sugar is too low to read, under 20. All I could do was stare blankly at that LO followed by a 24, 54 and a 284. Those are NOT that numbers that came home on Maddison's log yesterday.

The nurse explained that LO couldn't be right. Maddison was fine. She LOOKED fine. The low was followed by a retest showing 192 so she sent Maddison back to class. 40 minutes later Maddison returned feeling low. The meter read 24, BUT, the nurse explained that couldn't be right. Maddison LOOKED fine. A retest showed 54 which was then treated with ONE glucose tab and her scheduled snack, a 13c yogurt drink. 5 minutes later the meter recorded a 93. Ten minutes later, 284. Looking in Maddison's pump history, I dont see the 284 after the snack. I see 216, which was then corrected. WHY? It seems our nurse (who I love dearly) is taking numbers into her own hands. I warned her not to allow the pump to dose corrections in full. Therefore, she came up with the number 216 and corrected. WHY? I don't know why. Thats why I turned my car around after being 5 minutes from work. I can't wait for another WHY. I can't leave Maddison today. I'm Maddison's nurse today. I'm going to school at lunchtime and taking this into my OWN hands. I have to.

Denial, as I have said before, is a real thing. At first I didnt believe that LO the nurse showed me on the meter. I left the nurses office and headed to work, feeling like today for Maddison would be okay. As long as the nurse follows my direction. But what if she doesn't AGAIN? What if that LO was accurate? It was, wasn't it!!?? Numbers danced in my mind as I tried to tell myself todays plan will work. The more I thought about LO, the more nauseated I felt. This is my childs LIFE here we are talking about. These lows are catching up. Regardless of what I do to keep Maddison safe. The only way to assure her safety is for me to take this into my owns hands. No Nurse telling me LO couldnt be right. Try telling a parent that as their child seizes and falls into unconsciousness. Death? It could happen. Denial can't keep me from that harsh reality.

I'm off to school where I will sit and wait. **I** will stick with my plan. **I** will NOT deny the reality of a LO, a 24 or a 54. **I** will not treat a 54 with 4c. **I** will not pull numbers from a hat and decide what "looks right" **I** will keep my child safe when the over worked nurse does not. **I** will witness activity level that coinsides with a blood sugar result. **I** will defeat Diabetes. No more hoping and praying that the nurse gets it right and sends home the truth in the numbers. Was she hiding the LO from me? The 24 that followed? Why didnt she tell me yesterday? WHY did I have to go into that office for her to show me today? There are just to many WHYS and they need to be resolved NOW. TODAY. Not after Maddison is recovering from a seizure. NOT after unconsciousness. NOW. TODAY. If it takes me a week of sitting at that school to get things right, then so be it.

Crumble

Its 12:37am and I feel like I'm about to crumble. As in, fall to pieces and have a total D mom meltdown. I dont know what to do for Maddison at school. She's either in the 20's to 50's from running wild, or in the 280's to 300's for playing in the sand. HOW do you dose insulin for lunch not knowing what her activity is going to be? How? Lows are dangerous. Highs are dangerous. Shooting from one extreme to the other isnt good either. I just want to cry.

Maddison was 238 going to bed tonight which is unusual. She says her head, stomach and throat hurt. No way....that cant be. I dosed a correction for the 238, but knowing her sensitivity is all whacked out right now, I gave a .1 instead of the suggested .4 correction. Two hours later Maddison was 111 with .1 active. I feel like I'm about to crumble. I gave FAR less than usual. I'm doing everything right and nothing is co-operating. I just want to cry. "Drink Drink Maddison" And down goes 8c of juice in her sleep. Now I wait and wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do for tomorrow to keep Maddison from going low if she decides to run wild at recess. WHY WHY WHY can't my little girl just run wild like the rest? WHY does she have to be stricken with lows just because she decides the day must be a wild recess day?

Tomorrow will tell. I'm sticking to bolusing all carbs after Maddison eats to give her sugar the time to rise before dropping from recess play. RISE? We dont want blood sugar to RISE. But for now, it seems it has to, to keep Maddison safe from lows. Its an evil disease this Diabetes. The highs we desperately fight. The lows we chase away. Some days there isnt an in between, just because a little girl must play. This mom is about to crumble from the stress of lows. Of highs. Of not knowing what to do next. It would be simple if Maddison were with me all day. I can be there watching in the shadows, making decisions based on experience, activity levels and such. But she's at school. Trying to be normal, when her body is anything but normal. There just isnt an easy answer. We must take the highs to avoid the serious lows. 22 at school. TWENTY TWO last week!!! Now the one thing I'm used to fighting every day is welcomed. The highs are welcomed over the lows. We have to run high to avoid the immediate life threatening lows. Thats how SICK Diabetes really is.

Running wild

Today after taking Maddison to volunteer with the bird rescue after school, she asked if I wanted to know about recess today. Of course! It isn't often that Maddison volunteers information about school, so when she does, you can bet its something very exciting!

Maddison: "Mom, I've finally beat my record!"

Me: "What do you mean? What record?"

Maddison: "Well, at recess I've been trying to beat my record of how many laps I can run before the whistle blows to go inside"

Me: (Silent) DING DING DING DING DING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HELLO!!!! THE LIGHTBULB JUST EXPLODED IN MY MIND!!!!!!!!CAN YOU SAY EXPLANATION OF CRAZY LOWS AFTER LUNCH???? I KNEW SOMETHING COULD EXPLAIN THESE LOWS!!

Maddison: "At first I could only run about 3 laps, but NOW today, I ran 6 whole laps !!""

Me: "That is awesome!" "Do you run laps every day, or just sometimes?"

Maddison: "I've been running laps for weeks!"

Well, that's interesting!!!! Do ya think all the post lunch lows are a result of running laps at recess every single day? 22...36....lows in the 40's and 50's EVERY day except one day last week!!??? Ummmmmmmmm...... THERES THE ANSWER LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! My super mellow Maddison that usually sits in the sand at recess has been running some serious laps immediately after lunch!! Thank GOODNESS for the explanation of all these wicked, scary lows!!

Now....what to do about it? Do I insist she runs laps every day to make use of the dramatically increased ratio? Hmmm....probably not. Today Maddison had another low, 52 2hrs PP. Her ratio for lunch is currently 1:45 vs the 1:25 its been for years. What in the world do I do now? Assume every day she is running laps and keep the 1:45ratio? Have her keep an extra snack at her desk to boost her up if she feels she ran wild at recess? Am I supposed to have the recess police monitor her activity level? Should I include an activity scale for recess? (jokingly of course)

On a scale of 1-10 "Please rate Maddison's activity level today"

1-3 played in the sand without moving much
4-6 played on the swings, ran up and down the play equipment etc.
7-8 Played kick ball, tag, chased boys etc.
8-9 Moved non stop
10 Ran wild, non-stop laps (6 or more)

Ummm.............How do you do it with super active kids!!??? (MERI!!) ??????????? You have boys, they MUST run wild at recess!! How the heck do you get a ratio right when they are so darn active and constantly moving immediately following lunch? I've never had to manage Maddison running wild at recess. She's a sit in the sand kind of girl! Do you have your own Recess police? WOW, I'm relieved to (hopefully) have an explanation for these lows. I like it much better when there is a "reason" rather than the I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING ordeal that I've been dealing with for about three weeks now. When all these lows started I asked Maddison if she was running wild after lunch and she said no. Today she told me she didn't think "a couple" laps would matter. Oh my, oh my!! I'm guessing they SURE do!!

Pet class, D friends and an AVP Weekend

Today we took Hannah to the 2009 AVP Tour/World challenge. It was HOT HOT HOT. I think this September day topped 103 degrees by afternoon. Isnt it Fall yet? Regardless of sweating our behinds off, we had a great time once again at this years AVP tournament. This entire weekend was truly refreshing, with lots of time spent together and with friends. Oh yeah! And Maddison got Misty May's autograph!!!



Saturday Maddison was very tired after being up for hours after her lows in the night. Maddison had an early morning club meeting with the "Paws and Claws" kids group, but a little sleep loss wasn't gonna slow her down!! September is "Adopt a Shelter Dog" month, so the kids club worked together to make a banner with the shelter dogs pictures and details. HOW CUTE it was! After banner making, the kids bathed some shelter dogs. We can't wait for next months meeting!

After Maddison's kids club we were on our way to our "D" friends meeting at Peter Piper Pizza. It was great to see "D" friends and hang out for a bit while enjoying the usual Diabetes conversations. :) There's just nothing like friends to talk to that understand! We had a quiet movie night at home with the girls afterwards, and we even got to bed EARLY on a Saturday night!

You know what really sucks in this Arizona heat? Over heated blood meters! It also seems we can't drink enough water this time of year! Maddison and I both ended up running a tad too high in this heat filled fun day..... and MAN!!!!! Were we thirsty! I had water packed in my giant bag that was SUPPOSED to be keeping our meters cool. Not so! Every sugar check showed an over heated meter. Soooo....did that mean our numbers were inaccurate? Apparently so, we both came home to higher highs than we had before we checked and corrected. ICK. Heat and insulin dont mix. Two new site changes, and an early dinner made us feel much better. Lets hope Monday tomorrow is uneventful compared to last week!

This about says it all

I had to copy this from Dlife.

"No one could ever understand what a family goes through who has a child with diabetes. I mean it is ‘just diabetes,’ right? To those who know, no explanation is needed and to those who don’t, all the explanation in the world isn’t enough to truly explain. Truth is, it isn’t ‘just diabetes.’ It’s a world that scares the hell out of all of us as parents. It’s a world where no parent should watch their child, or their children, suffer daily.

We don’t need to be told again and again that it could be worse; it could be this disease or that disease. We don’t need to be asked again for the millionth time, “Will they grow out of it?” We don’t need to hear from someone that it’s really not that bad to take a few shots. We don’t need to be called up to the school. We don’t need to worry if the falling down in soccer, or football, or lacrosse, or playing in the yard is part of their activity or are the collapsing from a hypoglycemic reaction - and we hold our breath until they get up again. We don’t need that.

It’s these times. It’s the sleepless nights. It’s playing the diabetes police to our kids. It’s the feeling guilty on playing the diabetes police to our kids. It’s the constant and burning wish that our lives to be normal again.

OUR LIVES ARE NOT NORMAL.

But we don’t live like there’s a problem, do we? The feelings of fear, anxiety, guilt - and did I mention fear? - are kept inside though, aren’t they? They are kept inside because we want normal again, or as close to normal as can be, for our kids and for us too. So we smile, we try not to overact when things go haywire, we smile when a relative we love says something stupid like “So you just cut back on their sugar, right?’ We cry alone, we cry in silence, but most of all we move on. Most people just do not know what we go through because we do not live our lives in defeat. We try to stay upbeat. But still, deep down inside we all have the fears and showing them outward is something we work real hard just not to do. But they are there, we all know they are."

WOW. Words from my heart, spoken from another parent that loves a child with Diabetes. Words that only us "D" families can truely realate to. Reading this today just warmed my heart, its everything I would say if I could find the words.

60 at midnight

Here we go...... Now we've got lows at night. (The wee hours of morning actually)I've seen a couple of 90's at odd times during sleep for Maddison lately, which as parents of CWD, we know 90 is too low for sleep. We shoot for 130 to feel "safe" at night. So guess what Maddison was at bedtime? 130 EXACTLY. Zero active insulin from dinner. I thought about skipping a midnight check because we haven't had lows at night since swim season. But, something said weirdness is plentiful these days, GET UP TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT. So there was 60.

MAN! When the hell did Maddison find the cure and not tell me? She dropped 70pts from 10pm until midnight? Diabetes is just REALLY irritating when you don't know what to expect. We are just trying to sleep here damn it! It always amazes me how the words "drink drink" start Maddison into sucking down a juice box in her sleep. Now, I wait.

Did you ever know juice boxes cause alot of different feelings for me? It means comfort. Comfort because juice makes me feel safe. Juice is Maddison's medicine. A simple juice box takes the paleness from my daughters face and puts the "life" (literally) back in her. Panic. When I realize we are out of juice boxes, I wonder if we will need one tonight. Its much easier to suck down juice than wake a sleeping child to chew on glucose tabs! Its been 30 minutes.......time to recheck the blood sugar....

118. Maddison's tossing and turning. She's telling me she feels yucky and low. She doesn't usually wake up after sucking down her juice. Damn you Diabetes! Can't we just sleep at night!!?? More juice-recheck in another 30 minutes. I'm wondering how many other parents of CWD are with me tonight? 60 at midnight sometimes feels very alone. Sad to think how many other kids are low tonight too. :(

Is it ever that easy?

Oh man. I'm so frustrated right now. Last night Hannah developed a 101.5 fever, not high, but not normal after being on Amoxicillan for over 72 hours. My poor dear was miserable. WHY WHY WHY didnt the doctor prescribe something other than Amox if the Amox didnt work for the Strep she had the last week in August?

I called the after hours triage line for our Pediatrician, and of course, we were told to just call the office in the morning for an appointment. I just wanted a Zpack, or new RX for a different antibiotic! If only it could be that easy! I just about dropped dead when the nurse said to call back if Hannah's fever reached OVER 105. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?? OVER 105? The last time I saw a 104.6 Hannah was 18 months old and had a febrile seizure. (Two actually, hours apart) She spent two days at Phoenix Children's Hospital. If Hannah has been on antibiotic for 3 days AND hits 103, I'm heading to the Urgent care or ER lady! Thanks for nothing!

Good news is, Hannah's fever passed with one round of Motrin and Tylenol. I stayed home from work today to take her to the doctor. Instead of having us come in, they called in a Zpack and are having us come back in AGAIN in the morning, which is Saturday. GREAT. Just where I want to be on a Saturday morning! Ohhhhh if only the Zpak were that easy! I kid you not, Hannah cannot swallow that pill to save her life!!!Apparently, she has a major gag reflex. MAJOR. Gagging, salivating, choking, then vomiting. OMG, are you serious? Just swallow the damn pill already!! Josh and I were so frustrated, we had to just leave the room. Hannah's crying. Her throat is so swollen, that doesn't really help. We tried applesauce to chug it down. Josh tried smashing it and mixing it with a sugar syrup. Nada. GAG GAG GAG. Its never easy in this house.

I tried to refill Maddison's Novolog RX today with Caremark. Nope. They say its too soon. Ok, then pull MY RX for the insulin. Ummmmm.....they say its expired. Seriously? How can it be expired if we just started using Caremark this year? The CSR is assuring me its expired, the date reads 2008. OMG, I was just about to freak out on this lady!! My hands are tied, what else can I do? I can't talk to my doctor until Monday now can I? Its just never easy in this house!

At 9:30 I got an email from the nurse. Maddison was 60 after PE. Ummmmmm.......I asked the nurse why she didnt check Maddison BEFORE PE as she was supposed to. She says Maddison forgot to come in. WELL..........If Maddison was checked BEFORE PE as she should have been she would have seen she needed a snack to get through PE without going low. And, she didnt go find Maddison to check? Nope. Can I just SCREAM at her or would that be rude? Get this, she asked me if Maddison had a small breakfast. I tell her no, she had the normal pancakes with PB on top and SF syrup. Nothing out of the ordinary, except Maddison didnt want milk today, which of course, wasnt bolused for. She emailed me back telling me THAT must be why she went low. Then she says...."no protein means no staying power Mom" OMG SERIOUSLY? Did she really just say that to me? As if milk would have made it that easy! She had PB on her pancakes for her protein by the way!! She really shouldn't have said that to a mom who is DESPERATELY trying to stop lows lately!!!!!

The rest of the day was a disaster for numbers. Damn you 1:45 ratio.

7:00am 106
9:30am 60 (gave TWO glucose tabs followed by 2 PB crackers which were bolused)
9:45am 188
11:00am 181 (lunch w/new 1:45 ratio that worked yesterday!)
1:25pm 381 THREE HUNDRED EIGHTY ONE!!?? 1:45 ratio hugh?
2:26pm 299 (skip snack today)

WHY WHY WHY did a 1:45 ratio work yesterday and not today? Same old lunch. I guess Diabetes is just never that easy is it? I'm guessing now we
are on our way back to "normal" blood sugars in the afternoon with no 22's?? Tomorrow we shall try again. Oh yeah...Its SATURDAY!! Saturday is never like a school day! Fabulous. Lets see.....Hmmmmm....what should I do now? I think its called a watch and see day. "Watch and see" Saturday. Great.

Who would have thought?

I absolutely COULD NOT BELIEVE IT when the nurse didnt call me today. I kept looking at the clock expecting her call, especially around noon-1:30ish when Maddison's blood sugars been dropping like a rock. It took all I had to not call her either! I couldn't believe todays numbers.....it still doesn't make sense to me, because literally over night Maddison went from a 1:20 ratio for lunch to today's 1:45!!!!!
1unit for each 45 carbs!!?? She hasn't been there since her diagnosis day! Who would have thought? Basal decrease to ZERO for an hour or two? Who would have thought!!?? I guess Diabetes really does keep us on our toes. Just when you think some crazy numbers just cant be right....THEY ARE!!! Thats Diabetes for you! Its always what we least expect! Lesson learned!

Oh sweet numbers....you just made my day today! I know this is only day 1 of getting back on track, but my heart is singing again and I can see the light at the end of this tunnel of craziness! The past days at school had me wanting to hide from it all!

6:25am 92 (bolused for the Amoxicillian this time!)

9:47am 169 (3hrs PP, not perfect, but I'll take it!!)

11:08am 136 (lunchtime!)

2:00pm 186 (not low!!!) TAKE THAT DIABETES DEMON!!!

4:36pm 160 (WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW)

No 200's and no CRAZY LOWS!! Sleep will be SO much better tonight (and Hannah's A1c was 5.5%) Actually, tonight I need to check out the low range weirdness with Maddison's Midnight to 3am and 3am to 6am numbers. -SIGH- Who needs sleep anyway? I'll be looking for a double shot Expresso by morning!

Wondering and being grateful

Tonight I'm left to wonder.....am I missing something in these numbers? Am I totally a failure as my child's pancreas? Is Diabetes really like this......or am I clueless? I know in my mind that I'm not clueless, but I FEEL like I am. How can THIS really be Diabetes? The totally unpredictable, no rules disease!! Are you kidding me?

I thought as people with Diabetes (or parents with a Diabetic child) that we had some kind of written guidelines to follow. WHY are we left alone with this disease? Why is the patient/parent the only one who knows best when it comes to adjusting and managing insulin and Diabetes? I would LOVE to be able to depend on a health care provider to make decisions for mine or Maddison's dosing. BUT, a health care provider can't manage Diabetes from an office. They can't see the whole blood sugar picture unless they live the life. Therefore, us people with Diabetes are on our own. Learn to manage. Strive to learn ALL you can, or else pay the price. There is no one but us!!

I know you are SO tired of hearing it....but I am still wondering what in the HELL is going on with Maddison at school!! PLEASE PLEASE tell me if you are throwing away your lunch Maddison! Today's numbers were totally fucked up. Now in comes morning highs!! Is it the Amoxicillian? Normally, I was bolusing 8c for Amoxicillian in the morning. Today was Maddison's first day back on preventative Amox and I was just to afraid of 22's to bolus any extra!! So I didnt!

7am waking up Maddison was 104
9am 2hrs post breakfast 307
11:02am lunchtime, 261
12:40pm not even 2 hrs after lunch, Maddison is 50. FIFTY!!!! Gave 12c glucose tabs
12:52pm 299 WTF? Seriously?
130pm 268 Snack time at school
430pm 123

Numbers are my enemy. I called the Endo again yesterday.....they couldnt offer me any other advice than what I have already done. Thats just great. When I am at the END of my rope, I expected help from the Endo. They had no advice to give. Its all up to me. What do you do when none of it makes sense and 22 is threatening your childs life?

If there is one thing that Diabetes has taught me, it is that you can always overcome more than you ever expected. Somehow, us parents always figure out how to keep our children safe, happy and healthy. Even if we feel entirely defeated, we still get back up and give 200%. Once again, tonight I have a plan for tomorrow.

Grateful

I know my blog has again become a depressing and gray place. Diabetes can be like that. Some people will admit it. Some wont. To all their own. These tough days dont mean I lose sight of what I'm grateful for. In fact, these days probably make alot of the little things in my life more appreciated.....

Smiles. I FEEL every smile that Hannah and Maddison show.

Health. Although I complain for all I have to do to keep us healthy.....I know we have it easy compared to some. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

My husband. Who drives me bonkers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Enough said!

My home. Its not alot. Its not a little....but its EXACTLY where I want to be.

My Hannah. My first born, what else can you say?

Maddison......Oh....my......Maddison......

Coffee.....could I survive without it?

My cell phone....you make me feel like I'm there for every moment, even when I'm far away. What in the WORLD did parents with kids do before cell phones!!??

Roxy and Diego. (the goldens) You drive me crazy. You stink. You make my house a mess....but you love me no matter how mean I am for the day, and always want to cuddle. THANK YOU for giving me no choice but to feel the love, even if all I want to do is hide!!

Our crappy insurance.....I appreciate you, even though you suck and cost as much as a mortgage.

Our insulin pumps....I am SO grateful Maddison has you. No more 7 shots a day. No more strict eating times. No more extreme highs and lows. Well....we wont talk about the lows now will we?!!

Computers.....If we lived in a day and age that computers weren't around...I think I would be a crazy cat lady. I NEED someone to hear me. I NEED support of other
parents that live this crazy life. I would be lost without my dear computer escape from reality!

I could honestly go on all day...I AM grateful for so much, even though I sound like a whiny, nagging bitch most of the time. Its midnight! Time to check the numbers!!! Tomorrow WILL be a better day!!!

Anxiety filled day

This morning Hannah woke up saying that her throat hurt. I called the doctor on the way to work and got her an appointment for 9am. She stayed home with Dad today. I figured her Strep throat never completely went away when she had it weeks back. Immediately following antibiotics two weeks ago she caught a cold, and her throat sounded more froggy than ever. Being that she felt fine, no fever and no sore throat, I figured she couldn't still have strep right? So, I just ignored the froggy sound and stopped asking Hannah if she felt fine because she always said she did, although I could hear the swollen throat. Then came the weird hives. But no other symptoms that continued day to day. Finally today the sore throat symptom set in and said take her in!!

Imagine that. Strep positive. The Ped says strep can sometimes cause an allergic reaction type of hives. Great. Hannah started with hives last week. I wanted to make sure Josh mentioned the dizziness she had on Monday, and the swollen hands she would get with the hives. You never know when something weird might be lingering. But, I just assumed these disappearing symptoms were all a part of the "allergy" she was having. The doctor ended up ordering a bunch of stat labs, I guess his concern was that Hannah could have Diabetes since it is clearly a genetic thing in our family, and the fact that she has recurrent strep throat kinda triggered him into wondering about an underlying autoimmune issue.

So all day I was a NERVOUS WRECK waiting for these STAT labs. I mean, serious anxiety as I tried to focus at work. Serious. As in, headache, palpitations.....I was sure Hannah was fine and her labs would come back without Diabetes, but then there is always something that nags at my mind saying MAYBE THIS IS THE DAY. The other cause of my anxiety of course, was being worried that Maddison would have another low at school. Yesterdays 22 has me feeling extremely paranoid. I spoke with the nurse with every blood sugar check today, and this is what we saw.....

9am 202 PE day with .2 active
11am 129 going into lunch. No upfront bolus for half the carbs as we normally do.
1130am 167 after eating lunch, bolused normally with a new ratio 1:37 vs 1:32
1247 noon Maddison feels low but is 253
154pm 79 Thats quite a drop for an hour....I was worried the drop was now moved to later in the day since lunch wasnt bolused until after eating....time for snack now since she's working on a drop?

I instructed the nurse to leave her snack of 15c unbolused....in fear of the drop. I asked her to check Maddison 15 minutes after eating, to see whats happening.....

215pm 263 bolused for the snack as I asked.

No crash today, and the only thing I changed was the ratio by 5 points (which is actually quite huge) and bolused AFTER lunch instead of before, so I could see what was happening. I still dont know where this leaves us for tomorrow. I assume the nurse under correcting the initial "mild" lows resulted in the serious lows the last few days.

After school, its a long story....Maddison lied (says she forgot) about checking herself after school. She told us she was 138, which would have her with .4 active....another BIG drop....so we gave her 12c candy. Then she hit 309 because she didnt really check. This confused me seeing the 309 after a 138 with .4 active so I discovered the lie because there wasnt a number recorded in her meter since morning. Fabulous. Dad didnt catch the "lie" so a HUGE argument between him and I followed over who's responsibility it is to check blood sugars. He blames me for not making Maddison accountable, I think he needs to verify the number!! YES, MADDISON SHOULDN"T HAVE LIED...BUT ..he should have looked at the number for himself, ESPECIALLY at times like these when things are crazy and not making sense!! 22 is crazy and down right dangerous. I'm just trying to make sense of it all!! That was my only point. Rechecking the number, thats called covering your ass. He didnt. Now she's 309, and I still dont know what to do for tomorrows blood sugars. Maddison's in trouble for lying, and Dad is in trouble with me for not paying attention to what she's doing. What a mess.

This whole argument of "who's responsible" for checking blood sugars is just really the cherry on top today. I cant seem to get my point across. Maddison **should** be responsible for checking her sugar, YES. BUT....with a medical condition, Dad needs to verify everything....ESPECIALLY WHEN THINGS HAVE BEEN CRAZY. Thats all I ask. And what to do with a 9yr old who doesn't want to check her own blood sugar? I say check it for her. At some point she will want to do it herself. She's 9. She has a lifetime of poking fingers. Kids should be kids. Dad argues....at what age do we expect it and enforce it?......I dont know the answer to that at this point. She's only 9. I'm living at 9.... not 12 or 13. Maddison used to do all her finger pokes herself. Somewhere, she got burned out. Thats why you let it go and you take back the responsibility. PERIOD. Dad disagrees. I hate Diabetes today, more than ever.

I called the Endo when I just couldnt wait any longer for Hannah's a1c. Her fasting blood sugar was back, it was 91. Still waiting on the A1c. I'm sure its fine....but when you are already stressed about a 22 low, then a bunch of STAT labs are ordered for your other child.....ANXIETY takes over. Talk about a headache. Anxiety ruined me today. The arguing topped it off. My throat is killing me. (partly because I LOST IT during our argument and SCREAMED my stressed head off) I'm still worried about
22's at school and Hannah's pending labs. I dont handle stress well. This whole post ended up being a little TMI (too much information) but oh well. Its the truth, and I had to get it out!! So what if people know our family actually has heated arguements like everyone else? I'm DONE today. And I HATE YOU DIABETES.

I had to call

After looking over Maddison's log for hours today, I just had to call the Endo. I haven't called the Endo for help with numbers-ever. Thats how stressed I am with these lows at the moment. I spoke with J explaining how I have decreased, decreased basals and changed ratios. I told her about the ZERO basal set prior to these lows at 1:30. I told her how I changed Maddison's lunch ratio from 1:20 to 1:32 over the past week. And then, she pointed out what I didn't want to be true. I knew I wasn't crazy or doing anything wrong......

I'm not placing blame.....but each of these lows have come AFTER Maddison is treated for "mild" low. A mild low that the nurse treats with just 4c!!! Today she treated a 22 with 8c...E-I-G-H-T carbs! Last year we had problems with over treating lows....which I know is why the nurse is just trying to "bump" Maddison up from mild lows.....but I emailed her today! The "bumping" up we used to do last year is NOT what I have her approved to follow THIS year, and certainly not when things have been low lately!! I warned her about these weird lows!! She sees them, and still under treated the initial low that lead to the 22 low!! I'm so sad for Maddison having these lows....all the nurse needed to do was follow my direction, follow the written plan.....

J at the Endo's office agrees that Maddison's LOW LOWS must be from the nurse under correcting the original impending low. She validated all my concerns, all the changes I've been making....and assured me I've done well making adjustments, but my heart is still broken. Maddison has had a terrible headache all day. She's so unusually grumpy. She's ravenous. I'm sure the low low is what's causing this today. I keep seeing 22 flash through my mind, and each time I'm more scared for the could have's. I know Maddison was ok in the end.....but what if I wasnt there to pick her up early and give her those extra 16c?? Maddison is working on melt down #4 right now. I could hear her arguing with her sister over the computer.....then she went to her room SCREAMING and in tears. A few moments later I hear the garage door open....and Maddion says "I'm leaving!"

Josh is out there right now following her. She wants to run away, and I can tell you it isn't because of the computer. Maddison's had a hard day. I can only imagine whats REALLY going on in her mind right now. She came home from school a bit clingy today, which isnt like her at all. She's scared. I think she's also overwhelmed....because I was telling her after school that if she feels she needs more tabs for a low then she needs to speak up and tell the nurse. But she's 9. She trusts authority, and she certainly trusts her RN at school. I just want to crawl into the fetal position and cry at this point. I dont want to send her away tomorrow.....I dont know how to approach the nurse without stepping on her toes. I dont want to point fingers.....and I'm not, but I will feel like I am......especially after she asked me today what I did when I came in and changed Maddison's site right before the low....."Did you give her extra insulin?" she asked....I just about FREAKED out over that one!

Tomorrows plan....change the ratio yet again. Keep the basal at zero. And, no bolus unless she eats more than 20 carbs.....bolus AFTER, not half up front and half after. PLEASE LORD...let tomorrow be okay! Keep my Maddison safe!

HIVES, Lost site, WHAT!!??

2 hours into work, up pops the school nurse on my caller ID. This is starting to be ridiculous. Hannah's in the nurses office with hives all down her legs and hands, with swollen fingers. I had to leave to pick her up of course!! Hannah woke up this morning complaining of dizziness, but we pushed Gatorade and the dizziness subsided. Somehow I just knew the nurse would be calling me to pick her up early today!

Speaking with the nurse as I picked up Hannah from school, she reported that Maddison was having a great day. Maddison came in at 139 for her 2 hr PP check, and was back again two hours later for lunch at a nice 130. GREAT! I take Hannah home, get her some Benadryll and my cell phone rings. SCHOOL NURSE on the caller ID again! Maddison's arm site got ripped out. Back to school to put in a new site.

An hour later, SCHOOL NURSE is ringing again. This time, I know its low time. 1pm, the low is striking earlier today. HOW CAN MADDISON BE LOW AGAIN TODAY!!?? ZERO BASAL FOR 2 HOURS TO STOP THE 1:30pm lows at school!!! Ratio significantly increased AGAIN! I almost dropped dead when the nurse said Maddison was 22!!!! TWENTY TWO!! 22!!!! I have done everything I could to stop these lows, and each day its gotten worse! Was it the site change this time!!?? A million thoughts were rushing through my brain as I listened to the nurse tell me how she treated the low. All I could think was she's 22 with how much active from lunch? 22.....please lord, say she rebounds! Off to school again....

When I got to the nurse's office the assistant was knocking on the closed bathroom door saying "Maddison......Maddison." My heart just about stopped. Where is Maddison!!?? It wasn't her inside the bathroom. 12 other kids were sitting in the office staring at me as I frantically looked around for Maddison. The nurse walks out telling me Maddison just rechecked at 110 and was supposed to sit and wait some more while she ate some PB crackers. Too many other sick kids to triage in the office, so Maddison just walked back to class eating her crackers while the nurse was overwhelmed with other sick kids. I set off towards Maddison's classroom to bring her back telling the nurse to not worry, I will handle Diabetes while she handles all the other sick kids. I was FREAKING OUT inside, THIS is what I see looking at Maddison's blood sugar log from the nurse as I walk toward the classroom.....

1250pm Maddison was 71 (thats 1hr PP) Nurse gave her only 4carbs!!!!!

I told her by email this morning to WATCH OUT for lows!! 4c!!??? She only gave her
4c!!??? NO WONDER SHE HIT 22!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I warned her and she only treated a 71 with 4c when Maddison's been hitting the 30's every day!!!???? Where is the damn plan? The one that says to treat any number under 40 with 20c!!??

So at 12:50 Maddison was 71. At 104pm she was 22 and the nurse gave her 8c!!! EIGHT CARBS FOR A 22!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At 121pm Maddison was 110 eating 2 PB crackers, and then disappears, walking back to class. By now, having read this log as I walk towards Maddison's classroom, I get a sense of urgency in my step. I know Maddison is going to drop again....and HOW can a 22 be treated with just 8c!!??? I brought 16c of fruit gushers from home....WHERE is Maddison!!?? There she is in the hallway....entering the WRONG classroom!!!!! She's entering the classroom directly across the hall from hers!! I call her name (at this point I YELLED her name and didnt care how loud I was!!) and she turns to look at me. She stops, and just stands there.

It seems like I flew 100ft down that hall in an instant. I tell Maddison to eat the candy immediately as I ask her if she's confused. Obviously. She's still recovering from the 22 and wandering around! We get back to the nurse's office and the nurse tells me how Maddison was acting "onry" when rechecking the 22 earlier. DIDNT SHE THINK SHE WAS ONRY BECAUSE THE LOW!!?? WHY DID SHE LET HER OUT OF HER SIGHT IF HER BEHAVIOR WAS OFF?? I know how busy her office has been all day.....but this would have turned UGLY had I not been there seconds after her warning me of the 22!! Our nurse is overworked at the risk of our children! She had 3 assistants today, and Maddison still wandered off after a low!!

Arriving home with Maddison after the 16 extra carbs I gave, she was 155. And STARVING. Right now, she's eating. Eating, eating, eating.....while I'm FREAKING OUT about all this chaos! WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON?!

On another note, I didnt really get to talk to the nurse before taking Maddison home for the day....we REALLY need to talk about this. The nurse had rushed out to the Kindergarten class with meter in hand...I assume for the little boy that has Hyerinsulinemia. Could you imagine? I hope he is okay......This must be a low day for more than just Maddison. Another thing....leaving the nurse's office I spotted a mom with my same exact pump while she was picking up her sick child. A pump sighting. I could have talked that Moms ear off at that moment...just because I know she would understand my emotions of a 22 at school! WHAT am I going to zero out for tomorrow? No lunch bolus I guess! WEIRD!!

The 1:30 weirdness continues

You know how Diabetes does weird unpredictable, make no sense crazy things? Well, Maddison is still having the WEIRD WEIRD DOUBLE WEIRD, MAKE NO SENSE LOWS every single day at 1:30 regardless of EVERY attempt at reducing her doses!!

This afternoon Maddison checked in at 223 before going down to her buddy's house on the corner. No active insulin. Basal rate is already reduced AGAIN today....Just planning to watch that number and not correct. 2o minutes later here comes Maddison down the street, her buddy telling me Maddison is acting silly and feels urgently low. What time is it? Its 1:20 of course.....she's 80. HOW THE HECK DID THAT HAPPEN YET AGAIN!!?? In 20 minutes? That's quite a drop! 13c of Skittles.....I was sure that would set her too high for an 80 wouldn't you think? NOPE. Next check, 58. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON??

This weirdness wouldn't be so weird if it were continuing through the day. But a steep drop, STILL after changing everything so drastically? Looks like we are going to turn her basal to zero for a few hours. WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD!!

Please Pray

Please pray for Kate...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate/journal/4

Saturdays

Saturdays are different for Maddison's insulin needs. Imagine that. Sleeping in, zooming around the back yard all day....I never know if she should stay on her weekday basal pattern or if I should switch her to her weekend pattern. With the
1:30pm lows the last 3-4 days I was on the watch out today! But, its Saturday! Saturday is not like a weekday!

I set a temp basal reduction two hours before the expected low time. That set Maddison at a tiny .10 per hour. Guess what was so conveniently scheduled at the exact low time? THE BIRTHDAY PARTY. Damn the birthday parties! Oh yes, and THE TRAMPOLINE. Maddison went over to the neighbors birthday party at 179. Pretty decent for zero active, a temp basal and a trampoline. After 20 min of jumping I went down to check her sugar. 126. 8c of fruit snacks....then 152. Then comes pizza. More jumping and then cake. Supposedly with a whip cream frosting.

3 hrs post party......326. So, was that the basal reduction or miscount on the cake? The ratio change I made? Maybe the excitement. Maybe good old Mr Liver giving back after all the trampoline exercise? A great big headache and Maddison climbs in bed for some quiet after the party chaos. Can't our kids just enjoy a birthday party without Diabetes interfering!!?? UGH. So now we will go back to school on Monday still unsure of whats going at every day after lunch. Mondays. Mondays are always the "lets see what Diabetes does this week" day. I'm not liking Saturday birthday party days OR Monday lets see days. UGH. Darn Diabetes.

Disgusted and Confused

Hannah just handed me a written notice from the school....

"This week we received word that there was an adult male on campus at dismissal time that followed a student into the park, (which is connected and directly behind our school) where he was noticed by a parent. At that point, the man re-entered the campus through the gate. He eventually went back to the park and left in his vehicle. This same person and car also came through the school parking lot and drove in our surrounding community the following morning. The Peoria Police was notified and a report has been filed."

Can I just vomit now? I pick up my kids every single day from this same park! On Fridays Hannah walks home with her friends after hanging out at this park! No longer! I'm SICK. Just sick. Know what is just as disgusting? At Hannah's volleyball game on Wednesday the rival parents were telling us about a man taking pictures of the girls volleyball team secretly from across the parking lot as they held a fundraising car wash! Taking pictures of our 12 and 13 year old girls washing cars!!! The good news is, several of the parents went and confronted the man. Not so good news, a fight proceeded and the Dads of the girls beat the guy up and destroyed his camera. He had snapped 247 pictures of our CHILDREN!! Hello!!We live in a nice neighborhood! What is going on!!?? This kind of thing does not happen in my neighborhood! Know what I mean!!?? Its just unbelievable. UNBELIEVABLE! I think this world is going crazy!! I'm so disgusted. SCARED for my children. For every one's children!

Confused.... this is where the confused comes in. If you read my post last night, you know Maddison had a 36 at school and I adjusted a basal for several hours and her lunch ratio for today. I'm so confused with today's numbers, something just cant be right!

948am 58 (normally the nurse would give 8c but I asked her to call me today if Maddison started to head low. I asked her to give 12c glucose instead of just 8.

15min recheck 206 (nurse bolused a correction since Maddison went too high and had zero active insulin) Correction gave a .4 which I thought was about double what it should be for her 240 daytime sensitivity..planned to call back and check on the lunch number....

11am lunch check 237.. I called the nurse to see what Maddison came up to after the low earlier. I planned on subtracting a .2 from lunch since I thought the correction was too much earlier after the low. I decided since Maddison was over 200we would just leave the correction alone and trust the pump.

1:15pm 55 Nurse gave 8c. WHY she is just giving 8c at 2hrs PP after yesterdays 36...I have no idea! She should have called me for instruction today!

1:30pm 40 FORTY YES FORTY!! AGAIN!! ANOTHER REALLY LOW LOW!!! With reduced basal today and BIG ratio change! The nurse gave another 8c.....then this number shows....

192 WHAT THE HELL?? Not a high rebound....a rebound? Who the hell knows! I'm TOTALLY confused. This last week just doesn't make sense. I hate it when it doesn't make sense! AHHHHH!!! I am DONE with Diabetes today!

Another 36 today

On my way home from work today the school nurse called to tell me Maddison had a LOW low. 36 to be exact, just about an hour and a half after lunch! That's a pretty scary number. As always, hearing that number caused my heart to skip a beat. Even worse, Maddison didn't really even feel that low. Maddison had come in an hour prior at 75, with no active breakfast insulin. The nurse reportedly gave her 4c and sent her back to class since lunch was in just an hour. The nurse has done this several times already this year, and Maddison would come back at lunch time just fine. But not this time. I dont even see in Maddison's log that they re-checked her sugar again before lunch! Surely they forgot to write it down......right!!?? I'm guessing Maddison went into lunch low and they didnt even know it because they didnt recheck it! AHHHHHHH!!!!

I was angry at myself the whole drive home after that phone call. WHY didn't I change something from yesterday to stop this low today? Because, I thought I had the answer to the low! Yesterday Maddison was 65 2hrs after lunch, but I figured that was because her lunch was an atypical one, only around 30c which is half of the norm. She also reported chasing boys at recess, instead of the normal playing in the sand! Yesterday Maddison's lunch was Turkey and crackers with cheese, a Gogurt and a 2c Lemonade. I convinced myself the lower carbs was the reason for yesterdays low, I guess it wasn't.

36 and now the fear of what could have happened rings in my mind. All the what ifs. Its a weird thing this school year, Maddison's basal rates are HALF of what they were when she had the crazy psycho- meanie- teacher last year. Imagine that. For tomorrow I decreased Maddison's basal to an all time low for a couple hours and upped her ratio from 1:25 to 1:28 for lunch. Wait and see. I HATE the wait and see's! I betcha she'll be high because the lack of rechecking the 75 was actually the culprit. Thats my prediction anyway!

170's no good

For several days now, 170ish seems to be the number that pops up on my meter with every check during the day. I don't like 170'ish! I keep seeing this number, because I feel low. I check, and NOPE. There's THAT number again. Please...please....dont tell me I've been running THAT much higher and now feel low at 170......this isnt me....I'm a 90-130 ranger! Or, at least I used to be. Lately, I'm a 120-240 ranger and I'm trying desperatly to find my way out!

My carelessness is showing in my numbers. There isnt anyone to blame but myself. I wish I could blame illness, PMS, bad sites, missed boluses......But, I cant. Its all me this time. Man, that makes me feel like a total loser. I guess some of it could be poorly counted carbs, heck, probably alot of it is....I've been a crazy eater lately. I wish it would just stop. I think its the Prozac. I think the Prozac has to go! Sometimes I just wanna eat what I wanna eat and I give in to all the cravings I have. I didn't used to give in, I used to be the "perfect" low carb, limited sweets diet. Now, I even eat more than one serving, how dare I. I wasnt checking but 4-5 times a day the past couple months, and now that I'm checking more often as I used too, I dont like what I see. I dont like this habit I've created for myself!

170ish instead of my "normal" range! Thats terrible! WHY am I being so careless? I'm hungry at this number, and I refuse to eat if I'm over my comfort range of 150. Am I hungry because I'm too high? Or hungry because I need to eat? I feel low. I try to concentrate....no such thing in the 170's. I can't think straight, nothing I'm working on makes sense, the world starts to slow around me. I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside. But I'm not. I'm 170ish...so what gives?!! I'm irritated. My mind is foggy, like I'm just waking up from anesthesia. Nothing is worse than feeling low and you aren't. I'm not dropping. Sure of that. I woke up at 170ish, was 170ish 2hrs after coffee...I corrected....checked in an hour....170ish.......its driving me bonkers! I wonder if I need to eat since it's 11:30 and I havent had anything but coffee today? So I eat some almonds and an apple after a nice prebolus. (I am back to eating healthy again in the mornings at least) An hour later, I'm sure I'm low....I'm 182! WHAT THE HECK!!??

Does everyone have their own comfort range? You wouldn't think 170 would feel like much. I mean, its not 200 and its not 100. But for me, lately, 170 does feel like alot. Alot of crap. Its really ticking me off. Mostly, because I know I caused it myself. And, now I have to fix it. I have to get back on track....haven't I been saying that this entire year!!?? 170 for Maddison....not that bad. Not good, but not BAD. 170 for ME.....NOT GOOD!!

I have had alot of highs lately, at least one everyday. Its my own fault, I'm eating terribly. Not exercising, stressed, craving all the sinful food I can get. PMS? Maybe. New medication? Partly. Stress? Partly. So, my body pays the price. Now I feel it more than ever. I should be ashamed of myself. But, I'm not. I just dont care so much lately-still. I still dont feel like I care, but I know I do. That doesnt really even make sense. My meter average still shows a 148 over 30 days, so I'm not killing myself here. But, I'm not checking my sugar all that much either. I can do better....Diabetes visable....that will help....tonight I'm uploading my Freestyle Flash meter to the Copilot software. Ahhhh yes.....right there in front of me, no denying the last 300 blood sugars stored in your meter!

Anyone use the Copilot? Set a range in which you want your blood sugar to be....upload the meter...and BOOM. Any out of range numbers will be highlighted. Purple for highs, Green for lows. Want your average over the last three months? Yep, there it is with a predicted A1c. YIKES. I've got 21 days until I see my Endo. I dont want to hear her nag at me. I can hear it already. This time around, I've earned it. I'll confess to that. She's gonna want to see a log....sorry. Dont have it. I know what I'm doing wrong, or not doing right. I dont need a professional to figure that out. But, I do need understanding from her, something I am sure she wont have. We are supposed to be "perfect" with Diabetes ya know. What a bunch of crap! Sometimes I'm just tired of having to be "perfect"! I think thats what it all boils down to for me lately. Tired. Of. Trying. To. Live. My. Life. Like. I'm. Perfect.

#3 is BACK!!!!!!

#3, thats my girl! My Hannah is back in the game! Although Hannah's team lost both Volleyball games played today, My #3 SHINED. SHINED! My girl took over that court I tell you! Let me take a proud, bragging moment here please :) Aahhhemmm.....

Being that Hannah played competitive Volleyball last year, she has gained tremendous skill and great confidence.....even more so when placed in just the right setting. The "right setting" for Hannah, means when she KNOWS she is one of the strongest players on the team, she takes the lead. With every killer serve, I could see Hannah's adrenaline pushing her to perform to her highest ability. It was awesome, regardless of who won in the end. Hannah was the star of the game today! All around me I could hear other parents commenting on #3's great plays. YAY! My #3 is back in the game! I can't wait for next weeks game!

Sometimes you just have to laugh

This morning the first thing I did was log on the computer to check our bank account. Today is my payday. For some reason, I knew my check wouldn't be there. Sure enough, no direct deposit was made overnight. All I could do was laugh. Frustrated. This has happened many times over the past 5 years since I have been with my employer. The problem is, I have a promise to pay $320 to our RX company TODAY so they will send us our insulin. (that's our cost for 3 months of insulin for ONE of us!!) Without this payment, they will be sending our 45 day past due balance to collections, and will not send us our insulin. GREAT. Just GREAT. Out there in cyber bill payment land, there is also a bunch of bills that should be hitting my account....probably today. Sometimes, all you can do is laugh.

To make matters worse, I'm still only getting about 15 hours of work a week these days. There just isn't enough work to go around the office. Funny, you would think being my profession (medical billing) that my work load would remain plentiful even during recession. Not so. It seems people are putting off their health care because they can't afford the deductibles, copays or coinsurance. The patients just aren't coming in.

Apparently, patients being admitted to our hospitals also feel the need to flat out LIE about their addresses, phone numbers, and pretend they don't know their SSN's. Picture ID? Nope, its lost. No insurance. Unemployed. High deductible. Moving. No Medicare part B. I assume, this lying has increased lately because of our economy and people knowing they just wont be able to pay their hospital bills. Lucky for me, the amount of past due patient collections we have for our hospitalist group totals nearly 1.2 million dollars. Lucky for me, because each day I have some work coming in that I am now assigned to, until my own account starts to generate again. Still, this isn't work to get me the 30hrs I should be working per week....because 90% of it isn't collectable when you have no correct contact information!!

How does this happen? I sit at work entirely irritated and frustrated. Why are all these patient bills being returned with invalid addresses? Unable to forward? No such address? No social security number? Phone number is disconnected? Seriously? How am I supposed to collect on these Physician bills? 1.2 MILLION DOLLARS over 90 days past due. I'm just as frustrated for these people, as I am AT these people. I understand they don't have the money to pay their $1500 to the "Hospitalist" Physician that saw them once they were admitted to the hospital. I really do. But why flat out lie and give false information? We are willing to work with these people....payments would be appreciated! If these people can't pay our bills for the Physician, they certainly can't pay the hospital, lab, or radiology bills either!

I'm at a loss with these accounts. Sometimes, all we have left to do is laugh. I must say, I think my blood sugar is responding to all my frustrations today. I'm 290 an hour after that extra cup of coffee I wanted to have this morning. How dare I? COFFEE. Just coffee. Damn you Diabetes, and Damn you health care today!

Sad, sad and more sad

I have to say that today I am feeling incredibly grateful for everything I have in life. My home, my children, our health, my husband (although he's driving me bonkers lately) every little thing is much more meaningful, important, appreciated and CHERISHED today.

Besides the craziness in the news lately and all the typical things that leave us stressed in life, this morning was just so upsetting. After dropping the girls off at school, there was a TERRIBLE fatal accident just around the corner between our house and the school. A reminder that one second is all it takes to change your life forever. When I arrived at work a coworker came to tell me that over the weekend my Boss's house had been destroyed by fire. Its just her and her teenage daughter, now with nothing but each other and the clothes on their back. I'm heartbroken today for the craziness in this world. Hug your loved ones a little tighter tonight.

Appreciate every moment. Lend a helping hand to those in need. Forget tomorrow, and live for today.

Bandaged fingers

I climbed in bed after checking Maddison- 162. So why can't I sleep? I roll out of bed frustrated that my busy mind wont turn off. Quick sugar check, I'm 163. I just corrected that number an hour prior, I havent budged. Correct again. Whats running through my mind when I should be sleeping?

Today after attending the JDRF luncheon event I spent some time with my Dad. -Sigh- My Dad. No wonder I can't sleep. It seems everytime I visit my Dad lately, I end up an emotional mess. Diabetes made visual. Today my Dad was showing me his bandaged fingers. Three of them. While fixing an outdoor faucet the other day, he lacerated them on some jagged steel, and never felt it. Three bandages on three different fingers. Haunting me in my sleep. Damn you Diabetes.

Tomorrow my Dad goes in for his visit at the wound clinic to follow up on his Xray from Friday. The Charcot foot, please pray for my Dad that his arch has not dropped. I dont know what would happen next if it indeed has. :(

JDRF Luncheon today

Today was a fun day, a JDRF luncheon day! Time to kick off the 2009 walk for Diabetes :) I always look forward to these events. I love seeing everyone from our local JDRF chapter...they are just the BEST. Its so heartwarming to see all of our D friends, and meet new families. There is just nothing quite like knowing all of these people walk the same miles we do each day. Heartbreaking too, in many ways. Seeing the littlest ones with their pumps, getting their finger pokes, the juice boxes....it just tears me up inside. Of course, in the end, I always leave JDRF events feeling inspired with a new sense of HOPE.

As Today's JDRF parent took the stage to share her story, I promised myself I wouldn't get teary eyed. I guess I just can't help it. I shed tears every single time, with every single story shared! The voice today was a mom that has two kids with D.....which for me, for everyone I'm sure, really takes you back to Diabetes being scary again, because we just dont know if our one child with Diabetes may some day be two. Every parents worst nightmare. This Mom spoke about her 2nd childs diagnosis being even more painful than the first, and I can completely understand why it must be so. This mom already knew with that 2nd diagnosis what she was REALLY in for. She already knew the months that follow diagnosis are torture. Not only for your child....but to every family members heart. She already knew that those first days of despair and numbness after your childs diagnosis are nothing compared to the days that follow when reality sets in.

I still remember the day Maddison cried because of Diabetes for the first time. I dont think I could ever forget the anger and despair I felt at that moment. This day was about a week into her diagnosis, I had no warning that her tolerance of Diabetes was just about to crumble. With a simple call out for Maddison to come to the dinner table, our lives changed just like that. Diabetes hurt emotionally for the first time, and Maddison broke down. She didnt want another shot just because it was time to eat. Her realization that Diabetes was here to stay had suddenly hit her. Full force.... like the moment you realize a loved one is gone. I know how she felt at that seemingly innocent moment. Having been there myself just 9 months prior, it was unbearable for me to see her having those same feelings as child.

Anyway.....our JDRF walk this year is on HALLOWEEN!! The kids were invited to wear a costume for the kickoff event today, so Maddison threw on her new cowgirl hat with matching pink boots that Aunt M bought her for her birthday. My little cowgirl....years back, Maddison used to be known around school for her cowgirl boots. She wore them everyday, even in the warmest weather! Other parents would ask me if it was my daughter that wears the boots :) YEP! She's all mine, and today those cowgirl boots earned her 2nd place for the early JDRF costume "contest."

Fundraising this year is TOUGH, and....I'm totally not feeling it. I dont know if I feel unmotivated knowing the economy is where it is, or if I feel unmotivated and hopeless for other reasons. I feel guilty for not giving the extra effort this year with fundraising....I was hoping today's walk kickoff lunch would do just that....kick me into gear. But, it hasn't. I still feel overwhelmed with life and feel like I dont have anything else to give at this point.

Being Monday, the girls got to miss school for the JDRF event today. On the way home, I got a call from Josh saying our school was under lock down. WHAT? A REAL lock down or just a drill? A REAL lock down. I promise, we don't live in "that" kind of neighborhood, hearing this was unreal. In a nearby shopping area (2 blocks away!) a gunman fired shots at a business. He then fled and committed suicide. Right here....in my own "quiet" neighborhood. SCARY. I reported this news to the girls, and Maddison then turned and said that she has her Diabetes supplies in her backpack nearby for situations like this. Apparently our school already had a lock down drill this year, and Maddison was well versed on the importance of having her meter with sugars available. Imagine that. I never thought this would actually happen! WOW, am I happy I had my kids with me today!

In other news, I'm finding that I must have TMJ or something going on. What I thought was an ear infection, is a painful locking jaw. It hurts right through my jaw, deep into my ear if I move or chew at all. I cant open my mouth entirely, and cant bite down to chew. OUCH. Now if I can find the time to get to an appointment for myself. ACK! Maddison is getting yet another sore throat....that comes and goes......I wonder if I need to get a recheck on the strep? Numbers are also running a tad higher, thats what I get for talking I guess! Hannah's first Volleyball game is a home game on Wednesday. I cant wait to see her back on that court! TTFN!!

Without notice

Here we are 5 weeks into the new school year, where did the days go? We are STILL off to a very good start in 3rd grade! YAY! What a relief! I know I shouldn't say ANYTHING because as soon as I do it all changes....but the last few weeks as far as Diabetes is concerned has been FANTASTIC. Even with Strep in our house! The last few weeks have been FANTASTIC, not necessarily because blood sugars are "perfect" but because Diabetes is just living here peacefully. Not really being noticed. No emotions. No sadness. No anger. No frustration. Just Diabetes living here without notice. Ohhhhh how nice it is to have Diabetes in the backseat where it belongs, once again.

Summer is always tough because we aren't so strict on a schedule. Sleeping and eating patterns change, which causes Diabetes to be all too constantly frustrating. I think I'm liking this back to school thing after all! The school routine with Maddison's blood sugar checks have fallen nicely into place. Maddison's teacher is AWESOME, emailing me often to keep me posted...unfortunately though.....the emails are to inform of extra work Maddison needs to complete at home. Maddison is still missing alot of instruction time in the classroom, usually for a "low" that isn't really a low, or a low that is in the 70 range. Maddison is in the habit of snacking often at school now because of this. Of course, I'm working on the basals.....but this girl must be growing! She is always hungry! (maybe thats also becuase the lower BS range)

Times like these when Diabetes lives here without notice, gives me a chance to get back up. It gives me a chance to look forward, instead of just pondering the next few hours or the next few days. We will be approaching 3yrs with Maddison's Diabetes this year. I've noticed my comfort level with Diabetes has gotten much better. Of course, it just takes one bad low to throw me back into the "worry" zone.....but overall, I must say being this 3rd year in, has taught me alot. I've stopped over analyzing. (at least when things are going without notice :) and I've gotten more comfortable making changes to dosing aggressively. I dont have the overwhelming range of emotions from sad to angry to grief stricken as I used to. I guess my emotions are separating more and more from the numbers I see. THAT is a huge step for me. Thank you Diabetes, for living here without notice lately......

One more thing......

I guess Lee Anne's post from today also has the wheels in my mind spinning tonight......I read her post earlier in the day and I'm still taken back in so many ways. I love that adults in the blogging world share with such honesty their lives as a child growing up with Diabetes. Such insight into the lives of our children.....thought I would share, and again say THANK YOU to Lee Anne and all the adult D bloggers that have come so far.....

Tingling Toes

Tonight I can't sleep, and I'm not sure why....I'm exhausted from being sicky all week...fever, body aches, headaches and a sore throat......running higher than I normally do. Nice how our numbers warn us of a lingering illness isnt it? But I still can't sleep. Last night I tossed and turned because of tingling toes. YES. Tingling toes. Needles. Pins and needles. My toes felt like fire. It wasnt the first time I've had tingling toes when my blood sugar is high.....to think that my Dad lives with this every single day.......My blood sugar was 238.....and Diabetes haunted me as I tried to sleep. How could I sleep when Diabetes is being a constant reminder with this tingling in my toes?

Can I develop Neuropathy just 3 years into this disease? My A1c's havent been over 6.2% for the last two years! Could it still happen? I know my tingling toes were due to the high blood sugar, and 238 is VERY high for me. Which makes me realize......238is common in our kids....and that makes me feel even more SICK. I thought the tingling toes were done haunting me last night after I finally fell asleep. Somehow, even though I dont feel the pins and needles in my toes tonight, it is still haunting my mind when I should be sleeping.

So, here I am. I can't sleep. I'm realizing I'm not immune to tingling toes. I'm not immune to Diabetes complications just because my A1c says I should be. I'm thinking of my Dad.... Wondering WHY he is where he is today. Wondering WHY Diabetes got the best of him. Wondering WHY. WHY was he diagnosed as an adult with Type 1? Why did I follow that path? Why WHY WHY couldnt Maddison have made it to be an adult before this disease invaded her life? Will I end up in the same place as my Dad, regardless of how well I manage my disease? WHY did I have that tingling in my toes last night? Does Maddison ever have that tingling? Will my sweet Maddison make it to the young age of 20 without complications? Am I doing all that I can do?

Damn you tingling toes! Damn you I say! It isnt often I think about MY Diabetes....somehow it usually just falls into the background. I just turned 32 over the weekend.....where will I be with this damn disease in another 5 years? Each birthday that passes since my diagnosis, I wonder.

A few weeks ago my Dad had surgery to correct the calcium deposits (dialysis related)on his eye. He tells my Mom he can see much better now, but he tells me that he can't. It seems to me that he doesn't want my Mom to know the truth, but he wants me to..... For a reason. He never wants me to be where he is today. I know that is his greatest fear. As much as I try to explain to him how we manage Diabetes today, I don't think he hears me. I try to tell him Maddison and I will be okay. I know he thinks I'm wrong. He really believes that Diabetes = complications. That breaks my heart.

Since my Dads diagnosis of Charcots foot months back, he talks to me alot about Diabetes. Something he never, ever did when we were growing up. Why would he? No one understood. It was just him and Diabetes. Even my mom had/has no idea what Diabetes is all about. At my Dads last check with the wound clinic, they say the arch of his foot has collapsed. I know he is very afraid of loosing his foot.....I'm afraid for him too. He went in for an xray of the foot today, to see where he goes from here. The wait was over two hours long. So he left. And now I'm left to wonder while he lives with the FEAR. Friday will be the telling day. Between my sister and I.....we will see to it that he STAYS for that xray!

It kills me to watch my Dad torn apart from Diabetes, more every year. I think seeing my Dad suffer every complication has made me the controlling Diabetes FREAK that I am. Had I seen my Dad thrive and stay healthy despite his disease I surely wouldn't have the same outlook as I do today. I surely wouldnt take every number so seriously. I surely wouldn't beat myself up over it either. But I do, and I have. I've seen it all sitting in that damn Dialysis clinic. I've seen my Dad in DKA too often when I was a child, even though I didnt know what it was at the time.....it still left its mark. Especially now knowing exactly what DKA really is. Today all my Dads hard times come back to haunt me with every number it seems. Especially when that pee stick turns purple for Maddison. My tingling toes......sleepless nights.....I hate what Diabetes has done to me on nights like this. I'm tired of remembering my Dads suffering....and then realizing.....he still is. Because of the same damn disease Maddison and I both have. Tonight I'm worried about that foot......about my tingling toes.....Maddison being a CHILD with Diabetes. I just want it to STOP. Tonight is a no good, terrible, draining, Diabetes thinking overload night! ACK! All because of my tingling toes!

Here we go again

Today I got an email from the school nurse telling me that Maddison is angry with her meter lately. All I could think was "OH NO...HERE WE GO AGAIN." Last year Maddison had this same issue. Often. She goes in to the nurse for feeling low and isn't. Then she bangs her meter on the counter telling it how "stupid" and "wrong" it is. The she insists on using the control solution. It comes back fine. Then she insists on re-checking her sugar, only to see about the same number. She is just trying to take care of herself...but somehow I think the nurse feels Maddison is "faking a low" feeling to get out of class. First of all....Maddison is a very shy, passive and quiet child at school. If she is upset with her meter enough to lash out....she is REALLY frustrated. I cant say I blame her. Diabetes is frustrating. When you feel one way and your meter says another.....it leaves you with ALOT of different feelings and questions....

I better re-check that number, that can't be right! Am I dropping? Is the meter really wrong? Should I recheck in 15 minutes? Am I going higher? What is wrong with me? Why do I feel low if I'm not!!?? FRUSTRATING. Also in this email today the nurse stated.....

"I hope this doesn't become a habit"

To which, I wanted to SCREAM in response....What the HELL do you mean by THAT?!!

This year is supposed to be different. Maddison is HAPPY to go to school each morning. She is confident. She enjoys her teacher and her peers. I know last year she struggled with the school angries.....I think sometimes she DID go in for an extra finger poke just to get out of class. (because her teacher was a crazy chick!)Maybe not. I know sometimes at home Maddison feels low in the 200-220 range. Funny thing, I do too. Often I feel low and see a 208ish number. Why does that range feel like a low?

I'm a bit offended by the nurse saying this today. She probably didnt mean it the way it sounded...I know......I'm frustrated for Maddison's sake. Otherwise, we have been doing GREAT. Lets hope this shall pass.

JDRF Walk video 2009

Oh MAN. After many long days trying to get this video JUST right....I gave up, and ended up with this. It will just have to do. I've been feeling ICKY lately, I have the sore throat, headache and stomache ickies of Strep for two weeks now. Our computer is painfully slow, and its about to make me lose it with this video....so here it is. Our 2009 JDRF walk video! As is!

Its Raining

Its raining, its pouring, little Peep is snoring.....tucked safe inside Maddison's comfy robe after getting too wet in the outside aviary. How cute is this? Funny thing how we adore this little Quail....he LOVES to come in to the house to visit. We give his some special treats and let him run around on the floor. Poor little guy, desert birds DO NOT like the rain. He looks pretty happy drying off with Maddison though doesn't he?

8 hours

The night before last, I only slept for about 3 hours, because I decided I HAD to stay up till 2am and get our JDRF video completed for this year. YIKES. Not good. I am a sleep needer!! By the evening hours last night, I was so mean I couldn't stand myself. Mostly I was irritated because the video I worked SO hard on didnt save the last time, so I have to re-do alot of it!!! Nothing in our house ever works right!! The computer was painfully slow too, which didn't help. I was trying to upload the video to post on our JDRF page....wouldnt work. Long, aggravating story short....its still not done thanks to technical difficulties. So, I climbed in bed entirely frustrated last night, hoping to catch up on some zzzzz's. Of course, Maddison was high, 248, and I'd need to wake in a few hours to make sure she's come down. I was low at 66 with .6 active so I munched some raisins, and then fell asleep!

I did for some reason wake up an hour after Maddison's correction, she was a bit lower, but I still needed to set my alarm for 2 hours later. I never woke up. I leapt out of bed at 7:20 this morning!!! LATE!! I had multiple alarm times set last night but I slept with my alarm too close to my bed and must have turned them all off! ACK! Good news, Maddison was okay at 170 and I slept for 8 hours STRAIGHT for the first time since this Diabetes monster came along!!!

I still feel guilty though! All the "WHAT IF's" are running through my mind. The night prior Maddison was 54 at 10pm.....WHAT IF she was again last night and I missed it!? WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF. I'm tired of the WHAT IF's!! Oh well....I feel like a new person today! I'm not even a tad tired!

Waiting

I hate the waiting game. Waiting when you are low feels like an eternity. Waiting when you are VERY low adds in a bit of scary. Sometimes alot of scary, especially when you've guesstimated carbs or have been exercising alot. Sometimes you can feel the "life" being sucked right out of you. Sometimes you can feel yourself turning pale white. Sometimes you are so shaky and weak you feel like a seizure is approaching quickly. It makes me sick knowing that Maddison feels this when she's low. It breaks my heart. I always wonder....is THIS the time Maddison or I don't come up from this low so easily? Waiting to re-check, to make sure you are going up instead of further down. Waiting out my own lows sucks, but waiting to see if Maddison is going up or down after a low REALLY REALLY REALLY sucks. I hate Diabetes.

At 2am this morning Maddison was 68 (or something like that) which hasnt happened at night for a long, long time. ACK. Nightime basals are on the change once again it seems. I decided to check myself since I had Chinese food for dinner.....289. WTF? WOW....thats about as high as I ever get. 2.5u bolused, I woke up at 89 this morning. Kinda low for my 20 minutes of cardio intervals and 20 min of weights. I just wont bolus for the coffee. Post workout = 162. Driving to work = I think I'm about to pass out as I feel "that feeling" you know, the life is leaving my body feeling.

Confusion. Numbness. I'm floating on a cloud. Hunger. Headache. No shakiness, but I'm pulling over to check my blood sugar anyway. 140 with .6 active from my yogurt/fruit/protein smoothie. Hmmmm....I must be dropping? Temp basal is set? YEP. Bolused just a fraction of the smoothie carbs right? Yep. I'll wait and see. 15min later, I'm 142. I need to get to work! Whats with Diabetes weirdness! I'm not low!! Why do I feel so damn low?!! Just because I was higher last night!!?? ACK!

I hate the waiting. Driving to work once again, I feel even worse just minutes later. Quick check while driving and I'm 146. The numbers say I'm fine, but the feeling doesn't. Thats gotta be the worst...when the number says you are fine but the feelings say you aren't. How frustrating. Waiting. The waiting to see whats happening really sucks.

I got a call last week from Medtronic. They wanted my last ok before sending out the CGMS for Maddison. I had to leave a message. Still, no call back. I have no intention of using a CGM on Maddison. I just can't do it. For many, many reasons. I think I'd like that CGM for myself though. Maybe I can "master" it before Maddison hits the crazy teenage years and her blood sugar hits the fan. Maybe.

2 hrs PP I'm 102 with .2 active. Here comes the crash. At work. Feeling the life being sucked out of me. Now I gotta eat. I whip out the ziplock baggie filled with (sweetened) dried fruit, hoping it stops the drop. Damn you Diabetes, all I try to do is take care of myself. Exercise....and this is what you do? After I reduced all my doses as I should? Why can't you just co-operate? I need to concentrate. I need to get some work done. Why do you make me stop what I'm doing so often? Life isn't supposed to stop for Diabetes. Yet, so many times it just has to. I hate this waiting game.

Maybe my meter is wrong. Maybe. Maybe something ELSE is wrong with me? Feelings of panic.....I STILL feel low. I mean, a serious low. I want to go home and hide from you Diabetes.....but you wont leave me alone. Thinking of my Maddison.....realizing she feels these feelings as a child. Thinking of all the children that do. So often. It breaks my heart. Not a good way to start my day today. Days like today I just want to shout LEAVE ME ALONE DIABETES!

Labs and school testing

I finally recieved a call back on Maddison's labs from last month which included all the standard yearly Endo labs plus an HLA genetic screening and extra Celiac panels. Everything looks GREAT! No Thyroid or Celiac abnormalities as I was worried about! Dr D did mention that the HLA results were "inconclusive." We are all in the clear until another year I suppose :) Now we just have to find a solution to the tummy aches....I think thats called more veggies!

Yesterday I also recieved Maddison's testing results from the Terra Nova exams given last year. Although Maddison's blood sugars were too high every testing day (and she shouldnt have even been tested at that time) she ranked 97th in Language and 94th in Reading! Thats quite the improvement for my little one who struggles in school! THEN...this morning I had an email from Maddison's teacher saying I should be proud...Maddison scored the HIGHEST in her whole class on recent Reading exams :) Ahhhh....a proud moment for us! All Maddison's extra hard work to keep up is FINALLY paying off.