Chatter

When Im feeling defeated by Diabetes, the voices in my head seem to explode into a constant whirlwind of chatter. I end up unable to focus, totally scatter brained!! Drained. Overwhelmed. Feeling hopeless and helpless. Every hour leaves me looking at the clock, wondering what Maddison’s blood sugar is doing now. Is it time to check? Its been two hours since breakfast, we better get that 2hr PP number... OH, now its been 3 hours since she ate last, we better check again! So much for Diabetes being a non-issue these days. Did I really say that awhile back?

The chatter is endless. As soon as my eyes open to start the day, the questioning begins...

"Will today’s blood sugars fall into place? Did I make the right changes for today? Will today be the day I end up angry and in tears with frustration taking over? What the hell am I doing wrong? What am I missing? I ask myself over and over again why I feel the need to blame myself for every shitty blood sugar. I try and tell myself it isnt me....I am not a failure like Diabetes wants me to believe! I wonder to myself why I can't just find peace with the numbers and feel that I’m doing everything I possibly can to get these high blood sugars down. I’m playing by the “rules” and doing everything I can, so WTF is going on!!??"

Chatter, chatter, chatter.

Changes, changes. Every week Im STILL making insulin changes for Maddison, only to see a day or two of improvement. We might see some in range numbers here and there, but blood sugars slowly creep up as the week moves on. How can that possibly happen when you increase, increase, increase doses? It seems the more insulin I give, the more insulin Diabetes demands! Maddison's insulin doses are DOUBLED from what they were back in February, and every week its still going higher and higher! Im increasing EVERYTHING every 2-4 days!! Is this unheard of? We are stuck in the 200's a large part of the mornings after breakfast (ratio was 1:12 and is now 1:8) with only some relief from highs here and there. C-R-A-Z-Y!!!! Sometimes we get a good morning but a high afternoon, sometimes she sits perfect all night and then the next day is C-R-A-Z-Y!!!

I’m feeling defeated, all the way to the depths of my soul. Entirely. Completely.

The last time I didn’t have to log numbers and make near constant changes was back in February. FEBRUARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maddison has grown 2 inches and gained 5lbs, WITH a two shoe size increase over the last several months....but I don’t care. I don’t want to use that as an “excuse” for these shitty numbers. I don’t want to just say Diabetes can "win" because she is growing so much and the insulin need/resistance has set in approaching the teen years. I don’t want to wait for things to “settle” and I don’t want to admit that sometimes Diabetes just IS this way. I dont. I cant.

The chatter is getting louder and louder inside my SWELLY brain.

The chatter is chanting....”ask the Endo for help Kelly, maybe you need to swallow your pride and admit that sometimes you need a fresh set of eyes.” You don’t have to do this alone Kelly....they are there to help you!"

Just when I was about to ask the Endo for help figuring out these numbers last week I made a change that brought 2 glorious days of perfect numbers! I was all proud and refreshed, feeling confident and so much relief that I was sure Diabetes would never drag me down again!!

But then the bad site came on Saturday.

Of course.

A 382 blood sugar overnight with high ketones. Maddi’s numbers have been back to “bad” ever since. WHY does that happen!!??

Even through most rough patches of fighting lows or highs the chatter in my brain usually stays optimistic, and my inner cheerleader comes out. “You are doing GREAT Kelly, you have done everything JUST right!” You are an amazing Pancreas, you always give 110%. You will get there, keep at it, don’t give up, you are checking every two hours and making such progress! You are an awesome Mom, You have fought, fought, fought! The Endo would be impressed! Its JUST a number Kelly, keep kicking those numbers down! Time will tell, tomorrow will be a better day! This isn’t going to last forever! She is a TWEEN Kelly, you knew these days would come! It will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok....You are on it! You’ve got this! It isn’t YOU Kelly, it is the Diabetes! You ARE capable! She is a growing child, she will be fine! Keep smiling, you are stronger than you know! Remember, one day at a time. Last week was so much better than the week before, you are sooo close! Don’t back off, stay aggressive! "If people only knew what *I/we* put into managing Diabetes every-single-day they would think we are Super woman! "Take a step back and just watch, you are always trying your best!"

Most days I love that inner cheerleader, she keeps me sane.

But then one day I just can't take another high number on that meter screen!

Some days Im mentally EXHAUSTED.

This is when the mean and angry chatter begins to chant inside my FRUSTRATED mind..."I can’t do this myself, but how the fuck can the Endo help? This is some crazy shit! They don’t see what I see, they cant have any good suggestions. They don’t see the all the variables I have to consider each and every day, all the ENDO sees are numbers without details! They think they know everything! They think Im clueless! They think Im the worst parent. They don’t see Maddison’s mood that can influence blood sugars, they don’t see the stress on any given day, the food, the activity, the site on day 4, the insulin effectiveness decline on day 3, the different nutritional balance of foods, the wrong carb count, that STUPID class party with 150c of pure sugary shit! How do THEY know what I need to do? How do they know the bizzillion things Ive tried!!?? Ive been doing this for 6 yrs, Im pretty sure Im the expert! Forget them, they dont live this life! IM TIRED!! Screw you stupid alarm clock! I cant do this anymore, Im gonna go postal! I think I need to hide. I think I need that whole bottle of wine. Where is that bridge anyway? Wipe that stupid smile off your face lady at Starbucks, why are you always so friggin happy anyway? Sun, sun, go away. I need to hide today. I must be an idiot. 400? Why do I keep fucking this up? Damn it, what am I? The worst mother in the world? Am I retarded? Im useless as a Diabetes Mom. Im too fucking tired to understand any of this shit that’s going on. All these damn numbers don’t make any sense. What did I do to deserve this torture? Am I a horrible person? WHY do we lead this life? What kind of sick joke is this?" Im so irritable and angry with everything, I dont even like myself!

And THAT my friends, is the censored version of the angry chatter in my mind.

Often, the chatter of blame sets in...."Maddison must be sneaking food, there is just no way these numbers can be right. It must be bad insulin. There must be an air bubble in the tubing. Her long shower with the pump off every night has got to be screwing up her basal dose. It’s a bad site. Shit, it must be a whole bad box of sites! It’s the changing weather, damn its hot outside! Its stress at school. Is she being bullied? Im a sucky carb counter. She must have cancer or some crazy disease making Diabetes freak out!! OMG!!! I think the pump is broken. I guess we have to change her site every two days instead of three? Her arms must have scar tissue. Her butt is too chubby. Her stomach site kinked the cannula. Nope, I must just be clueless. HORMONES!! Its just the hormones! Damn you hormones. It must be me. I really am a total failure to my child.....Is this for real?"

Chatter, chatter, chatter. Diabetes is more of a mental drain than anything. These voices inside my head just won't quit until I get these numbers down. I dont do it to myself. Diabetes INVADES!!! Diabetes invades my mind, my heart, and my soul during these chaotic times. It just does. This isnt chatter I can just turn off, because this is my child!! My child that I am supposed to keep HEALTHY from this fucked up disease...

Every morning I wake up optimistic, certain that any changes I made the night before will surely bring resolve to this blood sugar chaos....I stay optimistic, because I HAVE TO. Today, I'm hanging on the edge, these numbers are just as high as yesterday. How can that possibly be?

Chatter, chatter, chatter. I'm so tired of the chatter!!!!