Building

Fatigue. Overwhelming fatigue. Irritability. Body aches. Headaches. Worry. Yawning. Heavy, burning eyes. Lack of concentration. Triple size coffee. Can’t think straight. Collapsing on the couch after work. Ignoring household chores. Shut down. Numbers, numbers everywhere. Blood sugar checks every two hours at night. Its been a rough spell for awhile now.

Its been building.

Stress.

Physically, mentally.

Maddison's night time numbers just wont cooperate, despite my best efforts.

Keeping the balance.

Not too high, not too low. Can't make changes too fast, in fear of causing lows.

You'd think blood sugars would be more difficult to manage during the day with so many more variables to consider.

For Maddi,they aren't.

Daytime numbers are the easiest for me to manage, because there isn't the same FEAR that night time brings.

The fear that I won't wake up to check basal changes recently made. The fear I wont hear the alarm clock and I'll wake up to a seizing child. Or worse...

I never used to have this fear of managing Maddison's numbers at night. I'm bordering paranoia these days. Ive been waiting months for this feeling to pass, yet somehow it is still there. WHY?

I have been awaken by my own scary lows lately. Maybe that's why. Last night I was 32and unable to get myself out of bed for juice. I didn't have the strength. I was confused. Josh was laid over out of town for work, and I was alone. I fell back to sleep for awhile. I'm not sure how long. I eventually, literally, rolled out of bed and made it to the kitchen where I devoured a bazillion carbs without even comprehending. Hunger took over. Thankfully my body took charge and woke me up, violently shaking, hunger forcing me to eat. By now my BS was 54.

I remember walking back to bed and looking at the clock. 230AM. I planned to just lay there in bed and wait for the life to come back to me so I could check Maddison's blood sugar, but instead I fell asleep. Physically drained. I woke up 4 hours later, panicked, because I never re-checked Maddison and I never rechecked my low, which means I also didnt give myself insulin to cover the extra carbs I consumed while freakishly scarfing down any food I could find. NICE.

My BS = 378. Maddi was 264.

FUCK. Seriously? I swore tonight would be the night I'd see progress with Maddi's insulin resistance. The basal changes, ISF change AND correction I made for Maddison earlier that night didn't budge her number. AGAIN. I'm guessing by the time I get changes right for these highs, she will likely be back normal and the changes made will cause LOWS. F U Diabetes.

I'm making changes every 2 days....which have turned into WEEKS.

-Sigh-

Fatigue. Overwhelming fatigue. Irritability. Muscle aches. Headaches. Worry. Yawning. Heavy, burning eyes. Lack of concentration. Triple size coffee. Can’t think straight. Collapsing on the couch after work. Ignoring household chores. Shut down. Numbers, numbers everywhere.

Its been building.

Stress.

Stress of being a Pancreas 24/7/365.

Stress of Maddi's climbing numbers during the night.

Her numbers are great during the day....

Its night time that's tough.

Brutal. To my heart, to her future.

Its been building. Burn out. Which brings guilt.

Guilt that says I suck. I suck at trying to manage my child's blood sugar, even though I know its just Diabetes that SUCKS.

Its been building. Anger. Worry. Defeat.

Midnight. 2am, 4am and 6am.

I know numbers will eventually settle, but what I want most is defeat.

And sleep.

More importantly, a healthy child. Free of future complications.

So, Midnight, 2am, 4am and 6am is here to stay until this crazy spell decides to leave. At least daytime numbers are good, right? My mind says yes, my heart says no....my heart wants it all. For her. For her health. For her future.