Yesterday I had several surges of jealousy that I must confess. It was weird how the whole day just seemed to be made up of one Diabetes moment of tough "reality" after another....
The Birthday Cake
I work for a small Medical Billing practice that truly adores its employees. Whenever a birthday rolls around, our Office Manager brings in cake to celebrate. How nice is that? We all gather and chit chat for awhile while enjoying cake! I LOVE my employer....too bad I HATE the J-O-B!! Anyway, being that I was the birthday girl this time, naturally questions about my Diabetes arise because everyone wants to know WHY do I still eat cake? Sometimes I enjoy educating, but sometimes I don't want anyone to even ask! I guess it just depends on my mood that day. (Ive been sick with a cold so Im grumpy!) My piece of cake was significantly smaller than the rest (by my choice) so a co-worker commented. And joked. And carried on. -Sigh- Another coworker asked how I can have T1 Diabetes as an adult....and another coworker mentioned how "normal" people take for granted just being able to sit down and eat anything they want. Oh, so true.
In the end, I just felt jealous. Jealous because I'd like to just sit down and not be questioned. Jealous because no one else "has to" explain what they are eating, and why its ok. Then, I felt guilty for feeling jealous!
The Cell Phone
Anyone with a child that has Diabetes knows how important good cell reception is. Our cell phones are our lifeline to our kids with Diabetes while they are away. Most of us D Moms check our cell phones many times a day just because we are afraid we missed "the call" from the school saying our child had a bad low, or is very sick from high blood sugars.....
Our office at work relocated last week. In the new office building I dont always get good cell phone reception....I NEED to ALWAYS have good cell reception while Maddison is at school!! Of course there are other phone numbers at work that I can be reached at, but what if those are busy!!?? What if Im in a meeting, or away from my desk!!?? It is what it is, and we just have to work with it, but thats not the point. I mentioned the importance of having good cell reception to my boss, to which she replied "Well, EVERYONE with kids had to give out alternative phone numbers too, its no big deal." And then, I felt ANGRY! Jealous! Because to parents with children that have Diabetes it IS a big deal to not have good cell reception! I was jealous because most people dont have to wonder everyday if today is "THE DAY" that the school will call me and cant reach me. Jealous because my boss just put my kid in the same category as everyone else's kid when we are SO not "just like everyone else" when it comes to potential school emergencies! Then I felt guilty for feeling Jealous, but Im still ANGRY about this one! Sigh-
At the Book Store
After picking up Maddison from school, I have to wait around the area for an hour and a half until Hannah's Vball practice is over because we live SO far. So, Maddison and I went to the bookstore. Right after arriving Maddison felt low. 72. She needed a snack. All I had was a smashed protein bar in my purse. She felt VERY low, so we had to sit around awhile until she felt better. I sat and watched all the parents with their kids zooming around the bookstore. I felt jealous because their kids could zooom around without Diabetes stopping them. Then I felt guilty for feeling jealous!
Just before we were about to leave the book store I ended up low myself. 54 with .6 still active. Wrong carb guess on the birthday cake! This low was a bad one. I ended up having to sit on the floor and pop glucose tabs while people looked at me like I was crazy. I just wanted to continue on my way and drive to our next destination, but I couldnt. I couldnt even stand, much less DRIVE. 20 minutes and a major headache later, all I felt was jealousy. Jealous that everyone around me can just drive whenever the heck they'd like without Diabetes controlling them. Then I felt guilty for feeling Jealous!
The Rec Center
Our next stop was to check out the Rec Center nearest the neighborhood we will be moving to at the end of this month.(YAY Glendale!)Maddison was SO excited to see their catalog of classes which includes....... cake decorating. Crap. More jealousy. I was feeling jealous because I cant just send my kid off to cake decorating class without thinking about frosting and blood sugars. -UGH-
The Swim Team
We still had awhile before we could pick up Hannah from practice, so Maddi and I just hung out watching the Swim team. Swim season is TOUGH with Diabetes, for us anyway. I felt jealous watching those kids swim so free without worry. I felt jealous seeing clean arms....no sticky dirty spots from pump sites to be seen. No juice boxes sitting poolside in anticipation of a low blood sugar.....all the things that are "normal" for us poolside, not to be seen here. I felt guilty for feeling jealous!
The worst part
And then, I was low again. As I sat chewing on grape glucose tabs I watched all the people on the second floor above me. The entire second floor is the gym. Talk about jealousy!! Oh what I wouldn't give to just jump on a treadmill at any time in the day without planning. Without having to eat something first. Without worrying about the lows the workout may cause while I sleep. By far the most frustrating thing for me with Diabetes is having to stop a workout because my blood sugar goes too low. It sparks ALOT of jealousy to watch all these people workout without a concern in the world. Lifting weights. The rowing machine. Running around the track. Oh what I wouldn't give to live carefree again.....
And then today was a new day. No jealousy. No hard feelings. Just a normal day with Diabetes taking the back seat in life. Exactly where it should be!
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