Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Alone

2am. Im fumbling for some type of sugar stashed on my bed side table.

Struggling to awaken from a deep sleep.

I cant sit up.

I dont have the strength or energy.

The only thing that pushes me on is my rapid heart beat and sweat on my pillow.

I know I'm extremely low, I need sugar NOW. I can hear my mind chanting.

SUGAR. YOU NEED SUGAR. SUGAR, NOW!

My bed is empty. There is no one to notice I need help. Im alone.

ALONE.

The worst feeling of being alone is at night when a low blood sugar strikes. I rarely have lows at night, likely because I refuse to go to bed with any active insulin from meals or corrections. But, if I do go low at night, they strike with a vengeance.

32.

The worst lows are the lows that wake you from your sleep. There is nothing like the fear they inflict. Especially when you are alone.

No one to help my confused mind. No one to comfort me past the fear. No one to assure me I will be safe.

My husbands shift typically starts somewhere between Midnight and 3am. Sometimes he lays over out of town, or is gone a couple days at a time.

On these nights Im especially careful. I reduce suggested corrections, to assure that Im safe to sleep.

Last nights low was treated with 3 glucose tabs. I hardly remember. I fell back to sleep with chalky half chewed tabs in my mouth. I never rechecked. I couldnt pull myself from the grips of deep "sleep". The only energy I had was to reach for sugar, and chew.

I jolted from my sleep at 6 this morning, fearful. Not sure if it was just a dream. A quick check of my meter showed it was all too true. And dangerous.

I also slept past my 4am alarm for Maddison's recheck after a correction. Now I feel like a pancreatic failure, putting my child at risk because of my own "issues." ALONE at night with Diabetes x's 2 makes me fearful sometimes.

I've been thinking alot lately about what my upcoming Hysterectomy will do to my blood sugars. My hormones will surely be whacked for awhile. The stress of surgery physically and mentally are sure to cause my sugars to go astray, which leaves me feeling very alone at this moment. Anticipating. Wondering how I will manage. I'm trying to make the right decision as far as HRT. I dont know what to expect. I dont know what is right for me. I'm Anxious. Worried. Diabetes makes everything so much more complicated....

2 comments:

Denise aka 'Mom of Bean' said...

Complicated, for sure! I can't imagine the extra layer of stress that it puts on you.
I wonder if you would qualify for a homecare type program after your surgery because of not only your diabetes but because you are also a caregiver....might be worth looking into...that way you're not alone. No one likes to be alone, especially with D!

Reyna said...

Wow...that sounds scary Kelly and I cannot even begin to imagine it times two.

Good luck with the surgery...and keep us up-to-date on how you are doing with it all. Thinking of you.