Wednesday, June 16, 2010


I'm still here, although I feel like I'm everywhere else. Summer chaos has taken over. Hannah has become a stranger in this house....makes me sad that she is 13 and going to high school! I think I'm in high school shock! I'm conflicted for what lies ahead with Hannah in high school.....yet excited at the same time. When Hannah isn't at Vball practice twice a week preparing for Nationals, (June 24-28th in RENO!)she is on the Sand Vball courts or hanging out with her crew of 8 girls. Hannah and her Sand partner are UNDEFEATED so far this year!!! Yep. That's my girl!! They have yet to lose a match. :) I see HUGE things in Hannah's high school VBall career....some say she is ready for the VARSITY team. VARSITY. As a FRESHMAN. Ahhhhh....I'm SO proud of my girl!

Maddison is busy being a crazy cat lady. She plays with her kitten ALL-DAY-LONG. Making forts, playing dress up (poor cat is forced to wear a TuTu!)"training" her birds....just keeping herself plenty busy. Swimming. Ahhhh.....swimming. Oh how I wish our pump was water proof! Swim team part 1 is DONE. We dropped out for part 2. Terrible, HORRIBLE....I know. Maddison was bored with it, and I was tired of sleepless nights chasing highs or lows. Not once did we have a normal BS night after swim team. Not ONCE. Sleepless nights made my own blood sugars wacky. I had another 31 one night that just about did me in. I'm not sure how I survived that one. Maddison's numbers are decent so far this summer even for the lack of effort I'm putting in. No logging. No obsessing. I just dont have room in my brain for Diabetes right now. I'm taking a break from Maddison's numbers. (hoping they stay decent!)

I have alot going on. Personally. Emotionally. Spiritually. At work. With family. With finances. Physically. I've had quite a bit of dental work done the past few weeks that have caused some fevers and ickiness. Another ruptured ovarian cyst. Alot of pelvic pain. More low grade fevers. I need to have my Hysterectomy done but still have questions for my GYN. I go in to consult with him AGAIN next week before my decision. I'm down 6lbs and have absolutely no appetite. Just not feeling my best. Summer is good for something...I get to sleep in on my days off!! :) (of course I still have to check sugars every 2-3 hours!) My mom, sisters and I start Hospice counseling on Monday to help sort through our feelings since my Dads death in January. Sunday is Fathers Day....I have a feeling my emotions may crumble with it being the first Fathers Day in 32 years without him. :(

Diabetes is kicking my butt emotionally. Not Maddison's Diabetes, my own. I am the same age now that my Dad was when he was diagnosed. I dont know why that bothers me, but it does. Maybe because my numbers aren't so easily controlled anymore. Maybe because I actually feel VULNERABLE for the first time ever in 4yrs with this disease. Maybe because I'm having other health issues and I FREAK OUT when I think about a hysterectomy. In a weird way I'm paranoid that the doctors will make a mistake like they did with my Dad. What if I dont heal as well because of my Diabetes? What if surgery freaks out my numbers more so? What if something happens and the hospital has to take over my insulin dosing? An insulin drip? I think I'm fearing loss of control of my own body. I think that I think too much!

So, Im here. Thanks to everyone that has checked in on me and noticed I've been hiding. I love each and every one of you!