Monday, September 24, 2012

The little things

For me, its the "little" things about Diabetes that add up to a tremendous melt down of my heart sometimes.

Last night I walked into Maddison's room without knocking, my bad. I was surprised to find that I startled her. I found that Maddi had just been secretly eating a "Fun dip" candy that she normally keeps stashed in her backpack for emergencies. -Sigh-

I just wanted to cry, right then and there.

So many reasons why!!!

I hated to see Maddison sneak candy...although I know it isnt unusual for a D kid to do so, and, we have been here before.

I hated to say anything to Madi about it, when I already know that she knows better... and I hated to think she would feel ashamed of herself.

Fuck this stupid disease.

Thats about all I could think at that moment!!!

Maddison told me right away that she had already planned to bolus for it.

All I could say was, "Well thats good, thats all I ask, but next time can't you just ask or at least check your blood sugar FIRST"?

She just looked at me totally ashamed. Exactly what I didnt want! D momma failure RIGHT HERE!!!

Of course I know WHY she didnt just ask to eat the candy. It was 9pm, we dont typically eat after 8pm in our house, and certainly not sweets. I dont usually allow "straight sugar" candy EVER, except for lows of course, or once in awhile if we are at a party or something. And, of course...she is a kid! Sometimes you just pretend you dont have Diabetes!!

Damn it.

I quickly had Madi check her number...378. WTF? Was it miscounted pizza from dinner? Was there still sugar on her hands?

Nope. Recheck verified the shitty number.

Madi corrected, and bolused 12c for the candy. The worst possible time to sneak straight sugar for sure, but I didnt say ANYTHING and I acted like it wasnt a big deal. (once isnt anyway is it!?)

I just wanted to run from her room as quick as I could. I wanted to spare her anymore talk about it, and just leave it at that. Im pretty sure thats the best way to handle these situations, right?

I climbed in bed with my eyes full of tears. Its so hard to know how to handle these situations!! I always feel like no matter what I do or say I'm wrong and ruining Madi for life! Whats even harder, is knowing and imagining how Madi feels about it.

And so, as I mentioned all this to the husband, my saddness and frustration started to brew inside.

Which also meant I wanted to vent.

So I did.

First the sadness poured out. The husband was great assuring me I handled it right.

But then my mental exhaustion kicked in....the anger, bitterness....FEAR.

I asked the husband WHY he leaves me 100% alone with Diabetes at night. WHY!!??

I have been asking Josh over and over (off and on) for the last 6 years to PLEASE IF ANYTHING just check on Maddison before he leaves for work at night. (Between 11pm and 2am) I just want him to back me up in case I have missed something with Madi. Even just wake me up if you have too!!

Maybe we forgot to check her sugar before bed. Maybe she was lowish and I set an alarm to re-check her number but slept through it. Maybe I missed my Midnight alarm. Maybe I forgot to set the alarm. Maybe, maybe, maybe!!! All I want is him to QUICK glance at her meter and see what her last number was!!! I want to know that he sees her last blood sugar before leaving for work, and I want to know he will act accordingly IF needed....thats ALL I ask!! Wake me up to take over if needed, but good god just look at the last number in her damn meter!!! It only takes a second!!!

He says he is always running late for work and thats why he never checks on Madi. Thats fucking ridiculous! Then he says (as if its wrong for me to ask) that he will have to wake up "early" to do so.

Im sorry...but....

I dont fucking understand!!???

There is no excuse. NONE. This is his child (that could DIE in her sleep) and all I ask is that he take 20 seconds to glance at her last number recorded in her meter to make SURE I havent missed anything. THATS ALL I ASK!!! DONT WALK OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE WITHOUT MAKING SURE YOUR CHILD IS SAFE from Diabetes!!!

WHY is that too much to ask!!??

I have checked blood sugars all night every night since 2006. Sometimes I have to set alarms for an hour after I go to bed. Sometimes I cant/wont go to bed in fear I wont wake up to an alarm. Sometimes Im up chasing numbers every hour, every two hours....I just want SOMEONE to back me up!!

These "little" (not so little things) drive me crazy. They hurt my heart. My soul. I will never understand some things...and THIS is one of them.

*Disclaimer* My husband is great. My husband is an amazing Father. He just fails to give a shit in the middle of the night. I guess he really thinks I have it all under control. -Sigh-

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

"Dont Forget"

Its 10pm.

Maddi's blood sugar is 83 with .375 insulin still active from dinner.

She pops 8c of a protein bar in her mouth, exhausted. She lies down on her pillow closing her eyes, anxiously waiting to re-check her number in about 20 minutes or so.

She should be sleeping, not worrying about blood sugars.

"DONT FORGET to recheck me in about 20 minutes if Im asleep!" Maddi says...

Oh sweet Maddi.

I only wish I could "forget" about numbers at night. I only wish we could....

But we cant.

You can, and you should! Ive got this Maddi....

It hurts my heart that you worry before drifting off to sleep.

Can you imagine if Diabetes slept? Can you imagine how "easy" Diabetes would be if we didnt have to watch over crazy blood sugars through the night?

Can you imagine knowing that your child is healthier because all we have to manage is daytime numbers? A nice long streak of Diabetes SLEEPING when our child sleeps at night?

We can dream cant we?

The 6th grade transition this year has been tough, though Maddi won't admit it. I can see it in her tired eyes. She wants to nap every day after school. Homework. Studying. More homework. Projects. Peers....Diabetes.

Maddi's back to school blood sugars the first two weeks were great. Then came the highs I expected. Increase, increase, increase. Better. Increase, increase, increase.

We are now FINALLY seeing relief of continual too high out of range numbers, so Madi now feels low in the 90's. She is grumpy and feeling icky lately because of it.

Gaining back "control" of numbers means you will likely start to experience some lows. Which we you back off a tad until you find the magic dose....We are almost there!!

For now.

Maddison has been doing an amazing job managing numbers on her own while at school, but she mentioned to me the other day that she wishes she didnt have to do this. She doesnt wanna do this Diabetes thing anymore, she said she is tired. I cant help but wonder if this is the tween/teen years talking. Diabetes is so hard for kids, but even harder for kids Maddi's age it seems.

My Maddi, who never complains about her Diabetes, mentioned she is tired of it all.

So am I Maddi, so am I.


I believe in miracles.

I believed to the bottom of my heart and soul that the Schuhmacher family would beat the odds.

I have hoped and prayed with every ounce of my being for the last 6 months that this remarkable family be blessed with a miracle.

They simply had to!!!

Meri is an online "D" Mom, Dad is Ryan, and together they have been raising 4 amazing boys....3 of the Schuhmacher boys have Type 1 Diabetes. This in itself is remarkable!!

Meri has been the pillar of strength in the DOC (Diabetes online community) as long as I can remember. I have spent endless hours reading Meri's blogs over the years, and what has always struck me the most about Meri and Ryan is their outlook and perspective of living this crazy D life. (x's3!!)Meri has often guided me back to the right mental and spiritual path when I thought I'd likely lose my mind....

Back in February with a broken, heavy heart Meri and her dear Husband Ryan announced that he was facing reoccouring Metastatic Melanoma. In short, they needed a miracle.

I prayed endlessly.....

We ALL prayed endlessly.

All around the world, members of the Diabetes Online Community (and beyond!) worked together to comfort and support Meri and Ryan during a time that is/was simply devastating. This GIVE FORWARD page was established by caring friends and family of the Schumacher's to help provide financial assistance for the family while Ryan awaited his miracle...

But on September 2nd, Ryan Schuhmacher passed away. Sudden, and totally unexpected.

As Meri said, Ryan has received the miracle of being set free.

Set free from the physical pain and despair of fighting this terrible disease.

No more pain. No more suffering. Just FREE.

Please visit the Schuhmacher giving page to lend a helping hand to a family when they need support the most.

Thank you!!!