Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Today I am....

Feeling better than I have been lately.

Gaining back some optimism

Feeling guilty for eating those damn fig bars that spiked me to 298!

Proud that I made some yummy, healthy granola bars for Maddison! (she finally tried oats!)

Feeling confused with Maddison's unusual lows at night and wondering if a growth spurt has calmed down for now

Laughing inside because I actually thought Diabetes would get easier.

Amazed that once you get Diabetes "figured out" for awhile it ALWAYS changes

Scared that this is a reality! Wondering if one day I will just loose my sanity, LOL

Looking for a new j-o-b that isn't sitting at a d-e-s-k!

Proud that Hannah has been so helpful lately and staying on top of chores, homework, studying, vollyball practice and now helping to COACH little ones!

Not as tired as I have been lately

Feeling guilty that I still haven't had my bloodwork and hormonal testing done!

Worrying about my Dad (he cut off a growth from his ankle that probably could have used some stitches) Yes, his A1c's run in the 11-13% range, and yes, he has Neuropathy and leg numbness...WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING!!??

Feeling sad for all my friends that have had sick kids lately

Hoping that this new j-o-b lead calls me back!

Wondering if Homeschooling could actually work for us?

Needing someone to talk to

Very thirsty

PISSED OFF at our new RX plan and praying they accept my appeal

Hoping Maddison's 90 blood sugar comes up and stays up! Time to go check!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Climbing the Rock Wall

Hannah has been spending every waking moment playing volleyball and working on mastering her jump serve. Dang my girl is good! I am so happy for she has found her passion! We have been taking Hannah to play off practice days with some of the other girls from her team at an "open gym" near our home. This weekend the girls were "allowed" to play the "advanced" groups, local college students. Of course the girls had to prove themselves first. I am guessing that everyone doubted that these girls were "advanced" players. Hannah is small and petite like me, so when she steps up to serve, the on lookers are in for a surprise. You would never think by looking at Hannah that she packs a wicked serve. She is consistent and powerful, yet sly and quiet in her approach. The college students ended up very impressed with Hannah playing as the "setter" in Saturday nights games. This afternoon we returned for more Volleyball fun at open gym, and we even got Maddison into something new!

Maddison isn't an athletic type girl. She would much rather spend her time wandering around outside chasing lizards and other creepy crawlies. To find something that interests her AND is physically active is exciting indeed! Open gym includes all the great amenities, exercise facilities, racquetball.....you name it. Today Maddison discovered climbing the rock wall. Her approach was slow and a bit weary because of the height, but once she felt confident in the "rope bungee thing" that kept her from falling, she was good to go. She climbed up, then glided down. I'm thinking she may have enjoyed the glide down a bit more than the climb up! She went back at it. I'm guessing 15 times the girl climbed this rock wall, loving every minute of it. It looks alot easier than it is, thats for sure. On the way home from the gym Maddison said she thinks she found something new that she wants to "pursue." Sounds good to me! Afterwards on the drive home, Maddison said she is "so happy for Hannah because she found something she loves to do," What a sweet girl my Maddison is!

Another weekend has flown by. I checked Maddison in at 78 an hour before bed and she had half a juice box to treat. An unusual 197 popped up on her meter when she climbed into bed. She should have been around 140 which would have been perfect since she has no active insulin. Corrected the 197....an hour later I thought I was going to bed early, so I checked Maddison knowing that rock climbing wall could be kicking in soon as she sleeps. Sure enough, she's down to 140 with .2 active. -sigh- So, I blog. I gave her a few sips of juice and now I wait, living the life of chasing numbers. Being that Maddison's choice of activity is riding her scooter around the cul-de-sac like a race horse, or swimming endlessly in the summer, I'm not sure what to expect of this rock wall climbing. Obviously her correction kicked in awfully quick. I hate learning the hard way. Normally I would choose to go to sleep for an hour and set my alarm clock to re-check. Tonight I feel better just waiting it out to see what happens.

This Diabetes life sure is crazy. I'm dreading the summer swim season already. Living in AZ means swim season runs April through September. Thats alot of swimming. I still, to this day, dont have swimming figured out for Maddison. I've defeated the lows during swimming, now to face highs (300's!!) at the 3 and 4 hour mark. I just dont get it. I dose the missed basal every hour while she swims and she still goes high. Of course, then I have to plan bedtime around the lows that will hit 7-12 hours post swimming. Crazy disease this is. Now we have the rock climbing wall. Thats alot of arm work! All I can do is wait, watch and see. Learn from each day, and hope to get some sleep at night. Can we ever figure out each new obstacle? All physical activity seems to have a different effect on Maddison. It can drive you crazy! What amazing Diabetes parents we are! Think of all we do to keep our "D" kids active, healthy and safe. Wow. No wonder we are so darn tired all the time!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Only basal for me

Sure enough, the half empty pool "swimming" and wading caught up with Maddison and she was just 80 when I planned to go to bed. Guess she did need a bedtime snack! I treated her low 3 times until she was a nice 140. By 3am she was 264. Start over on the basal testing tonight! I finally got to bed around 2am after force feeding myself another 40c because the Lantus in my system wanted to kill me.

How can just 6u of Lantus be so different from the 8u of Levemir I used to take on basal/bolus? Crazy. I decided I was safe to go to bed at 218. I was "stable" until I jumped out of bed LATE (thank you my dear Golden) at 7:30am, I had dropped to 74. CRAZY LANTUS DROPS! Good thing I went to bed in the 200's!

I zoomed the kids off to school within 20min! YAY! I was so happy it was morning and Maddisons lows were behind us. UPS will be here by 10:30 with my new pump! I cant wait to get this foreign Lantus out of my system! I had another PB sandwich with no bolus of course, and decided to sleep until the door bell rang at 10:15. Ahhhh, my beautiful new unscratched pump! THANK YOU MEDTRONIC! I'm still tired and feeling like I'm dropping, I'm going to eat again and go back to bed! I'm taking advantage of an empty house with the kids in school and treating myself after being put through the ringer stopping crazy plummeting blood sugars every few hours. Back to bed I go! I slept until 12:30!! Hows that for catching up on missed sleep?!!

My new pump is all re-programmed and set for a temp basal until the Lantus wears off. I just had dinner and still bolused only half the carbs. So far so good, but I'm guessing somewhere I'll be a bit high between temp basal and Lantus leaving my system. Lesson learned. Appreciate that pump on my hip every-single-day. I felt naked for the last 30 hours without it. I even looked in the mirror this morning and felt like I looked WEIRD because it wasn't poking from my pocket. I was lost without my built-in clock. Lost without something keeping track of my "active" insulin and when I corrected last. What a strange feeling. I'm all hooked up and ready to be "me" again. Good bye Lantus, I hope I never see you again!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A moment of weakness

Its past midnight and I should be sleeping. Instead, I sit here with sadness, worry and complete fear of what tonight will bring, what tomorrow holds and what the news will bring in the near future. I'm feeling overwhelmed with so many different issues today, most of them somehow Diabetes related. (imagine that) Today is a sad day for those of us "pumpers" with Diabetes. Today, Smiths Medical announced its intent to stop manufacturing and selling the Deltec Cozmo insulin pump, effective March 25, 2009. They intend to manage a "well controlled exit" from the Diabetes business over time. What does this all mean you ask?

Well, first off, Maddison and I have a different brand, Medtronic insulin pump. We aren't to fear the Cozmo pump with drawl from Diabetes land personally, but so many of our Diabetes friends are. Current Cozmo pump users are being assured that they will still be able to purchase the needed pump supplies during the life of their pump and that warranties and replacement pumps will still be readily available if/when needed. But what about the big picture? Are other companies going to stop investing in Diabetes technology? What does this do to unemployment? What about the employees that have lost their jobs and health insurance? Many employees will be forced to pay outrageous (UNAFFORDABLE!)COBRA premiums to provide health care for their children, for themselves. What will this do to those that cannot afford the $600-$1100 per month for COBRA coverage? Will their homes be FORECLOSED too? What is really to come of our "economy?"

Sheesh. Besides the bad news in the Cozmo insulin pump world, my other worry tonight is within our schools. Of course teachers are the most important, but having an 8yr old with Diabetes in public school without an RN is close to becoming a scary reality. I'm hearing it this way and that. I can't imagine losing our school nurse and having to rely on office staff to learn Diabetes and treat each child by their management plan while balancing their already crazy schedule. Our K-8 school is HUGE. Over 1400 students. Our school also has 4 kids with Diabetes, and many other kids with Asthma and other chronic conditions. Conditions that COULD be life threatening without warning. Add to that the injuries, illnesses.....how could you really take away a school nurse in this day and age? I can't imagine sending Maddison to school every day and worrying about her care while I am away. Actually, I already do worry because thats just me! .....but take away a nurse that knows Maddison AND her Diabetes as well as I do, I just don't know how to feel.

Tonights immediate worry is this damn Lantus insulin. My pump has been off now for half the day. Its dead for those of you that haven't heard. I will have a new pump tomorrow by 10am per my pump company. No big deal right? Well, you see....when I was on Lantus before my pump I had some serious crashing lows. Like, plummeting over 100 points in minutes. Hard to bring up lows. Persistent lows. Headache, nauseated lows. ICK. So tonight just an hour after my first shot of Lantus I had my first crash. GREAT. And now the fear is back. Will I crash tonight unexpectedly? Tonight I went from 248 to 96 within 5 minutes, or so my meter says. The same instant headache. The same instant nausea. Yes, the fear is back. An hour after trying to bring up my low I'm 160 and headed to bed. Or, so I thought. I'm crashing. I'm 92. So, I have to eat even though I really just want to puke. And, now here I am caught in a moment of weakness. I feel totally controlled by this demon of a disease.

As I sit here and think about all these life's issues crashing around us I can't help but feel angered that I can't control how any of them will end up. Even the one thing that I am supposed to be able to "control" (my Diabetes) I cant. Most days, sure....I succeed and Diabetes is "controlled" but with this fucking Lantus insulin I am being controlled. I'm being told I have to eat. I'm being told I need to wake up and check myself every few hours because OBVIOUSLY my body wasn't ready for 6units of this TYPE of insulin. I'm being reminded that peaceful sleep tonight isn't going to happen. I'm feeling this moment of Diabetes weakness bubble over into every single aspect of my life. Can I just have my pump back please? Can I just get some sleep without worry of what the night will bring? If I can control my Diabetes tonight I promise my outlook will be much better tomorrow!

Maddison is in for some basal testing tonight. I'm fearing another night of chasing highs for her like I did last night. But, she also went swimming for 3 hours in a half filled pool, half running around the bottom, half swimming for her life it seemed. I can't sleep too peacefully when that swimming MAY cause Maddie some lows tonight. What happened to the "stable" nights a few weeks ago anyway? I can't sleep peacefully when I may crash myself. Damn Lantus. I miss you my insulin pump! Even for just one night! You have given me comfort in my weaknesses, made me feel confident when I go to sleep at night. Ok, Ok....now I'm just getting delirious! Must go to SLEEP! Hoping tonights moments of weakness are tomorrows realizations!

Two crazy days, two crazy pumps

Yesterday we decided we needed to drain our pool. Just like that. We have yet to drain the pool after 7 years and we have been fighting an Algae problem since last summer so it is good time for some Spring cleaning! Josh ran out to rent a water pump (crazy pump, what was I thinking?!) for draining pools and then I realized WAIT A MINUTE! Its 5pm....He will be going to work at midnight and I'm supposed to work after I take the kids to school tomorrow. To drain the pool without ruining the plaster we need to have it drained, scrubbed and refilling before the hot sun gets to it! Thats about 10am in AZ! This means its all up to me, a huge task and alot of arm work! Oh well, I would do anything for a day off work, even if that means I work like a slave at home. PTO day for me today!

So at 6pm last night I started "pumping" the water from the pool and scrubbing the walls as soon as the water left the algae in clear view. I need this head start before the morning sun! I scrubbed, and I scrubbed and I scrubbed. Of course.....I planned by drinking Gatordade, 40c worth. It seems when I use my arms alot I have the worst lows. Weird, but thats how it goes for me. Temp basals never seem to work for me and I still go low repeatedly, so after 4hrs of some serious scrubbing I had consumed 70c of Gatorade just to stay in the 80's. I turned my pump down to half for overnight, ate some cheese and almonds to hold me over, and woke up not too bad at 160. I thought for sure I would crash last night, it ended up just fine, except that I didn't get to bed until 11pm and Maddison needed to be checked at midnight for her new basal changes. She went to bed at 106 so I gave her 8c of milk. (she also helped me scrub the pool so I worried about a low later on WITH a new basal rate!) Long night short....she was 300 until 7am when she finally coasted to 260. I got up so often to check on Maddison last night that I dont think I slept a wink! I'm tired today!

This morning I rolled out of bed, had my 6c Double Shot Expresso and got to scrubbing! Did I mention my arms still felt like Jello from last night? Good news...It only took me another 2 hours. Bad news....I was low 4 times! How frustrating when you have so much work to do and a clock ticking! Anyway, after the hose was in the pool to start refilling the water I decided I was desperately hungry. Must eat NOW. So, I did. I was only going to bolus half my PB&J sandwich from all the two days of scrubbing hell. Perfect plan. If the buttons on my CRAZY PUMP WOULD WORK! Yeah. My pump buttons did nothing. No beep. No moving numbers, no bolus. I replaced the battery, then "Button Error" shows up. Do ya think!!? Another long story short....my new pump will be here by 10am tomorrow.

It has been nearly 3 hours since my pump died. No basal insulin since then, and I'm a nice 148. I dont have any Lantus, and my Endo has yet to return my call. Hmmmmm, I'm supposed to have some back up Lantus in case of pump failure aren't I?? If this were Maddison I would be freaking. Actually, if it were Maddison's pump that died I would re-program mine for hers! Well, the good thing is I have been scrubbing and scrubbing for two days, it will help keep me lower. I doubt I hit 200 thanks to the hours of Jello arm work. Tonight, well, thats another story! I left a message for my dear neighbor friend with "D" and I can only hope she has 7units of Lantus to spare me until tomorrow. (my rx plan is still all wrong and I cant even imagine what Lantus will cost!) If not, I will have to be DEMANDING to speak with my Endo before the day is through! I need an RX for LANTUS! My worst thought is I will crash tonight with the Lantus....oh how I hate to go back to the basal/bolus!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Bully Be Gone

Monday morning I met with the school Principal and counselor to assure Maddison that she would have someone on bully watch at lunch recess. I also wanted to let the Principal know that I was very upset with the teachers decision to take Maddison into each classroom trying to have her "identify" the bully. All they could do was apologize. The damage there has been done, but for future reference, I suggested they speak with the teacher to let her know that was a totally inappropriate thing to do. Monday's lunch recess showed no sign of a bully per the Principal, but today the bully was laid to rest. Thank goodness! Thank you all for your suggestions and support during this crazy bully ordeal! I just had to update. More to come later.....

Monday, March 23, 2009

Laundry and Diabetes

Two things I hate, Diabetes and Laundry. Some days I'm not sure which I hate more. Why is laundry such torture? Tonight I was tending to laundry without complaint when I realized so many ways that Laundry is like Diabetes. Call me crazy, but all you laundry and Diabetes haters.....lets think about this....

Most days Laundry is just there, we don't think about having to do it, we just do it because it falls into our routine. Some days laundry causes you stress just thinking about having to do it. You want to hide from it, so you close the laundry room door and try to ignore it, yet you still think about having to suck it up and just do it. You can actually feel the laundry staring at you through the door. Its saying, you can run and hide....but I'm always here! Isn't that just like Diabetes? You know why Diabetes and laundry is most similar? Because it is never ending. What a burden sometimes. You want to spend a enjoying day away from home and chores and LAUNDRY, but you cant. You have to just do the laundry. You have no choice but to deal with it. And, if you choose to not do it today, you feel guilty. Just like when we choose to not "think" of Diabetes and we let the needed changes slide for awhile. We run a little higher because it is easier than stopping and having to pay attention to WHY something isn't "just right" We aren't sure what to change, so you wait a few days and feel guilty for each high and low. Then there are the wrinkles. Wrinkled clothes are frustrating. High blood sugar is frustrating. Missing socks is irritating, as is low blood sugar that makes you stop what you are doing. Laundry has alot of annoying little things. Just like Diabetes. Imagine when you run out of laundry soap and you have to run to the store because no other kind of soap works.....same as us running to the pharmacy NOW because nothing else works, insulin is our life.

Then there are the good laundry spells when you have kept up with it so well, you had the piles defeated and it wasn't even painful along the way. You are at peace with laundry. You feel like you will stay on this good laundry streak forever, but you don't. You fall off the laundry wagon and it all goes to shit. Suddenly you are looking at 15 piles of overwhelming laundry and you wonder how you got here? Same with Diabetes. You do so well for so long, numbers are great....you actually start to feel like maybe this is IT! You somehow convince yourself that you have found peace with Diabetes. But, all of a sudden out of nowhere, it all changes and its once again hard to keep up with. You are angry at it. You are angry that it takes so much away from you. Laundry is the same way, I want to enjoy the Spring sunshine but I have to tend to the darn laundry. ICK. Call me crazy, but I feel the same way about laundry as I do with Diabetes :) My silly thought for the day!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Fun in the Sedona Sun

Our vacation was GREAT. Relaxing, not so much, but fun...yes. Day 1 was spent at Oak Creek Canyon and Slide Rock where the water was too cold to enter but fishing and hiking made a perfect day anyway in the 80 degree weather. Maddison's blood sugar was perfect with small snacks the entire time up the trails, but I chased some killer lows the whole time. I thought I planned well with a reduced basal rate. I guess not. The kids loved the scenery, but quickly became bored with hiking alone. I was pretty much done with trying to hike anyway so we decided to catch a Jeep tour deep into the canyons. What fun! Bouncy! Dirty! Dusty! The kids giggled and laughed down the crazy bumpy trails the whole way. 2 hours later we made our way back to town and we were STARVING!

We had dinner overlooking Oak Creek Canyon at a highly recommended Mexican restaurant. YUCK. Terrible food was mine......but everyone else loved their food so I was happy. We walked around down town Sedona and visited the tiny shops and markets. Then.....we were done. As in, cant walk anymore. Hit the hay early for our next day at the Out of Africa Wildlife Park!

Zoo morning started off with Maddison having a cough attack, so I had a heart attack. I imagined us stuck at this huge zoo with a sick "D" child, in the 90 degree sun, with high blood sugar and possibly ketones. EXTRA EXTRA coffee soothed my crazy wandering thoughts. Maddison's 248 blood sugar to start the day didn't! Somehow.....Maddison didn't notice (or hear me tell her) when I bolused her 50c for breakfast before they went on their way to the breakfast area while I cleaned up the hotel room. 30 min later, I wondered why they weren't back yet. I thought the plan was to have breakfast on our patio overlooking the Sedona mountains. Weird. I headed down to the breakfast area myself to see what the deal was. I guess they decided to stay there and eat, so Dad says he bolused Maddison 55c. WHAT!!!! Double bolused. Where is the communication? Good thing they had lots of devilish carb loaded foods to choose from. The over bolus made Maddison's day. She got all the sweet breakfast treats she wanted. ICK. On the drive to the Wildlife park Maddison asked me if I knew where the nearest hospital was......I asked her why....and she said "just cuz." I think being double bolused scared her a little. It made me feel terrible!

Maddison's blood sugar was awesome all day at the park. I ran a tad high (150's) since I didn't want to ruin the day again with lows. We took a "Serengeti" drive down into the Wildlife park past Zebras, Antelopes, Ostrich, all kinds of stuff! We were given carrots to feed the Giraffes which was the coolest part. Then the walking began. This park mostly has BIG cats. Lions, Tigers, Panthers....Amazing creatures they are! We watched several shows where the staff interacted with the Tigers. Let me say that one day this interaction will catch up with them. You could see one tiger impeticular not listen very well when they would call him off his "prey" which really was a man that ran around with a balloon trying to get the Tiger to pounce on it. Not so smart. I wonder why these people are still alive? You could see the chase, catch and kill instinct. A few times I really thought their distraction wasn't going to work to stop the Tiger from getting to "rough"......I tell you...I was just about OUT OF THERE!

The shows were all very educational and fun. I think Hannah actually enjoyed the day more than Maddison! The day topped 94 degrees and we were all a bit red and overwhelmingly tired after spending 8 hours in the Sedona sun. All in all, it was a great time to just be together. I was disappointed we didnt get a chance to set up our new Tripod and take family portraits out in the middle of Sedona red rock country. We are totally overdue for a family PORTRAIT but definitely had fun in the Sedona sun!

Happy thats over!

I was home from work in time to take Maddison to the birthday party. Free of a fever since morning, blood sugar a decent 220 two hours after lunch. Time to go, Maddison's coughing up a storm. Am I exposing everyone to her germs even though she does really well hiding her cough in her elbow? She just wants to party! She feels fine! YAY! We should just go then. So, we did. Amazing the relief I felt taking her myself. I was a nervous wreck all morning thinking that Auntie would have to manage her numbers while she jumped at jet speed for hours. 15c of Gatorade held her over for the first 30min. 15c more....she's 240 when its time for cake another 30 min later. (better than 40!) I guess she could have done without the second dose of Gatorade but I didn't want her missing out on the last 30min of jump time because a low crept in.

When we got home Maddison was obviously not feeling well. I figured she was over 400 from that pile of icing on the cupcake. She wanted some quiet time alone and told her friends she would be out to play after resting. She tried to get a game to load on the computer and it wouldn't....she freaked out, went to my bed (her favorite place) and climbed in. And....she cried. She cried and cried and wouldn't talk to me. Finally she said her throat hurts, head hurts and she hates all the noise at birthday parties. Yep, she has always been easy to over stimulate. She needs a rest, some more water and a check. Holy moly! She's just 140 with 1.2 active....talk about a roller coaster ride! That birthday cake did nothing for her, even though I only bolused HALF. More carbs, she wants to puke. Or, just watch a movie with me she says. So, we did. And, within minutes of some quiet time and stopping a crashing low...she's back to her cheerful self. We survived yet another crazy birthday party. I really couldn't have sent Maddison with her Auntie. Maybe some day I wont fear a seizure from those damn jumpy parties. Now I'll be on alert tonight for the delayed low. Ohhhh the things we do to keep our children HAPPY and safe :)

Oh geez, why do I have to leave her!

Oh Geez is about all I can say! Today Auntie took the day off work to spend with my girls on Spring break. Oh how I wish Diabetes will just co-operate for Auntie today! Maddison was a nice 146 at 2am....128 at 7am...but as I was ready to leave for work Maddison hit 199. Not normal without breakfast, and not a big deal most days. But, today Maddison is working on a sick day. Maddison started with a cough and sore throat the first day of our "vacation." Despite whataver is lingering, she felt good and pumped with excitement during our 2 short but sweet vacation days, THANK YOU JESUS! Of course with every cough all a "D" mom could do was worry. Surprisingly, Diabetes behaved those two days. Now add yesterdays day at the zoo, 90 degree weather and a tad too much sun....she's going downhill. All I can do is hope this is a minor sick day.

Did I mention Maddison also has a 99.8 temp? Pretty minor so far, but not when you consider the Diabetes. Small ketons....ahhh...yes. She has those too. I'm hoping those will flush easily with Powerade zero and her breakfast bolus with correction. Why....why did I have to come to work today and leave Maddison on a sick day? Sick days for children with Diabetes (for those who dont realize it) can be very serious, very fast. Yes, even a little cold. I suppose I could have stayed home, but Auntie took the day off work. I'm sure Maddison will be fine.....but the worry is enough to kill me. I hate being a pessimistic person. I wish I could just stop my mind from imaging the worst. All I could do was inform Auntie to check 2hrs after breakfast, check ketones, use the blood ketone meter if ketones are high, give tylenol and LOTS of fluids......and drive to work a nervous mess. Now, REAL reason I'm worried SO MUCH this time....

THE DREADED BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! YES!! TODAY!! YES!!! Neither mom or dad will be there! In the middle of the afternoon on spring break! For THREE hours!! ON A SICK DAY!! CAKE, ICE CREAM....AND.......at a JUMPY PLACE!!!!!!!!! Call me dead with a heart attack right now! This jumpy place has about 10 different bounce houses, slides and anything that you can imagine to drop your blood sugar (or raise it!) nearly in an instant. How can I send Maddison on a sick day to this Diabetes HELL? How can I NOT? Its just a damn birthday party....we do this all the time....but not on a "sick" day. Talk about a whole lot more to consider. Can I vomit now? My mind is spinning thinking about all the Hmmmm's......What number do I want her to be at when she is "sick" and going to bounce for hours AND eat cake, AND ice cream? Per the words of an Endo, you shouldn't even excersize if over 250.....what if she is? Then she has to miss the birthday party? How dare Diabetes try to steal Maddison's fun?

Its time for her BS check after breakfast......she's 102 with .6 active. Ketones still small. Hmmm...I expected her to be high. Give 8c to last her until the bolus 2.5 hours prior wears off. Hannah called, all the neighbor kids want to go swimming in the jazuzzi. Maybe even the heated pool. WOW. Someone really wants me to run home from work screaming and crying. Do you have any idea how HARD it is for me to leave Maddison on a "sick" day to begin with? Feeling like an evil mom I had to say no to the jacuzzi. She can't swim with a slight fever, even though I know she feels fine. She is actually quite looney and silly, I could hear her in the background. That made me smile and gave me some positive feelings at least. Maybe I should just call back and tell them they can swim. Why do I doubt every decision I make with this stupid disease? Stupid fever. If she didn't have the fever she could swim. I worry about her pump being off when she is sick. I guess I could bolus her in an hour for missed basal. I feel bad for whichever decision I choose.

We shall see how this day progresses I guess. I just blogged out my worries in about 5min flat on my work break.....I do have a great post with pictures from our vacation to come later today....I think I already need another vacation! (I'm so glad I have other "D" parents to ponder this day with me!)Even if I can't hear you, I know you are there.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

3 years seems like an eternity!

3 years ago today we were supposed to set out on the same Sedona trip we are leaving for today. And then the phone rang. And everything changed, just like that. We had to cancel our trip for a visit to the ER instead. My a1c was 13% per my PCP, head to the emergency room. No fun Spring break plans that year. Living with my Dads Type 1 as a child, I was aware of what I had ahead in my future. Sort of. This life isn't anything like I really imagined. It is so much harder, but so much easier too. With 3years down, Diabetes has proven me wrong millions of times, and I've kicked its ass just as many :) Ahhhh...sweet defeat.

The easier part of Diabetes.....you just do. You just do it. You do whatever is necessary to stay alive. You pay an amazing amount of attention to yourself. You bolus for meals, correct highs, chase the lows away. Eat right, exercise....PUMP. The easier part of Diabetes for me is definitely....the pump. I love my pump....and you can bet in the future we are all healthier because of this amazing technology. I went from fearing my dads serious lows,highs and complications, to micro managing my A1c to near "perfection." Something I never could have done on injections. Kinda hard to dose a .2 with a syringe! I love you Medtronic!

The harder part of Diabetes....the emotional aspect of course! As everything in life, watching from the sidelines is much easier than living it. You could never imagine (or relate) to having Diabetes unless you live the exhaustion yourself. The Emotional for me, doesn't exactly mean tearful or wanting to hide. (though it does for Maddison's "D"!!) It means anger. I have anger issues when Diabetes doesn't behave. I dont like to be controlled, and we all know how often Diabetes does whatever the hell it wants to do. I hate having to stop what I'm doing and treat a low. I hate wanting to crawl back into bed and sleep when a high decides to make me feel like crap. I hate feeling people stare at my pump. Mostly, I hate the comments that place blame, and comments that have anything to do with food. Its not the food that determines our "control" people!!! I guess some feelings never change.

Today on my 3yr "D" day I feel like Diabetes has always been here with me, really. Only 3 years!!?? I guess that's a good thing, because Maddison says the same thing too. It's soothing to know she can't remember any other way of life. It makes it easier to accept I think. There is no point in trying to recall the carefree days....it would only hurt that much more. As always, my Diabetes always leads to Maddison's. Maddison's Diabetes is my Diabetes in so many ways. As she grows older, she is given more and more pieces of "her" Diabetes. For now, I have double Diabetes. And I'm proud to say I've got it covered. Today we are ((FINALLY))going on our Sedona trip with Diabetes in the back seat where it belongs. Happy St Patty's day everyone!!!!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Hooray for Spring Break!

Tomorrow there isn't gonna be a "miserable" Monday for Maddison. Tomorrow is a no school day, SPRING BREAK!!!! YAY!! The weekened has already been a fabulous start. Saturday was tournament day and of course, Hannah's team was amazing. Well, actually the first 2 games were amazing, they took out the competition with ease and awesome stradegy for a young team of their age. The 3rd and 4th games were amazingly horrible! It appeared as though the girls were overcome with some magic fairy dust that made them play on 8yr old level. It was crazy. After a lunch break and some down time they hit the courts an hour later for games 5 & 6 and were back to their amazing ways. Thank goodness! Hannah's team placed 3rd in this competition so they earned a higher bracket!! We have just one more tournament and then the FINAL playoffs for the season!

Saturdays temp rang in at a perfect 77 degrees! If there is any reason to live in PHX it is surely Spring time! After a day of tournaments we came home to enjoy the weather while the girls played outside for hours with Maddison's best neighbor buddy. Dinner time brought about some wine and good food on the patio with our Fav neighbor friends. You gotta love a cul-de-sac! Maddison's blood sugars have been amazing lately but Sunday afternoon outta nowhere some weird 280's played a visit. I figured to see lows, not highs being that the girls again zoomed from outside to inside, this house to that house and enjoyed yet another carefree spring day with friends. 7 straight hours of neighborhood fun again today! Maddison is in heaven. Now thats what we call a good start to Spring break!

Tomorrow (Monday) I'm off to work and Dad is home with the girls! They are planning a day with, of course, the neighbors for a lunch date and then off to go bowling! How fun! I'm so bummed I will be stuck in my office all day while they relish in the sunshine without me. The week plans get even better though...Tuesday (St Pattys day and my 3yr "D" day!!)we head up north to Sedona for some family time. My favorite thing in this world! Just me, my two girls and the hubby! YAY!!!! Sedona, for those that aren't familiar, is often called “Red Rock Country.” Sedona is a four seasons playground for everyone – whether you’re into history and archaeology, arts and culture,outdoor sports, or the spiritual and metaphysical, imagine doing all this in a backdrop of some of the most spectacular scenery in the world! Spectacular indeed! Just what my battered bad attitude is needing these days!

We plan on enjoying all the best of the outdoors while in Sedona. We don't have a set agenda yet, so we will just wander around the lakes and mountains to see what we find! I need to pick up a tri-pod for our camera since we are in dyer need of some family pictures. Sedona is the PERFECT place to take some family photos! I think I'm excited even just for that! We will be spending the night which will lead us to Wednesdays plan....Out of Africa Wildlife Park! Hannah went here with her Auntie when she was a little girl, and she is soooo excited to go back! Maddison has never been, so she is up for a surprise! The park has wild tigers, lions and animals galore. They offer a Sarengeti Safari tour, wildlife preserve, predator feeds and so much more. I'm hoping Maddison doesn't try to smuggle home some furry creature that needs her help, LOL!

Thursday morning Josh works the midnight shift so we have pry ourselves away eventually for the long drive home. Sadly, I'm back to work Thursday as well....I wish I could spend the entire week with my girls! Auntie will be entertaining them Thursday while we head to work, she is so great for taking a day off work to spend with my girls! I hope this time Maddison's numbers dont cause her so much STRESS as did the sleepover chaos weeks ago. I dont have anyone to hang out with my girls on Friday.....I just might have to take another PTO day from work. What a bummer that would be! Hooray for Spring break!

Meet "Goose Goose"

Here he/she is....Maddison's new buddy "Goose Goose" from the bird rescue where she volunteers. Isn't that the cutest little goose ever? I'm not sure how Maddison will feel when it comes time to release Goose Goose and say goodbye, but I'm sure Maddison will remember him always.

Maddison has been feeling sad lately about missing "Harlee" our Golden that we had to put to sleep back before Christmas. She tells me that because she helped him be born (which she did at 1am in the morning!) she had dreams of him living a long happy life without ever leaving our side. Maddison wanted to train Harlee to be a "therapy dog" and visit sick kids in the hospital. When Maddison was in the hospital at dx we had the therapy dogs visit her, and she promises us that someday she will do the same with her pets for the kids that are sick. As always, while other kids are playing with friends and doing all the normal kid stuff, Maddison is searching for ways to make a difference. Maddison feels her place is to save all the furry and feathered creatures that "need someone to help them" so we have decided to work more closely with the Bird Rescue. I'm still not sure how this will all work, but Ms "J" from the bird rescue is working to set Maddison up here at home with some additional fostering as needed. YIKES, is all I can say. Maddison is so delighted and cannot wait until she has her first foster bird!

Friday, March 13, 2009

The response

Here is the actual response from Maddison's teacher tonight. Its 530pm on Friday evening and the principal never called. Imagine that. Like I said, I never get anywhere with these people.

Good afternoon,

I just spoke with Mr. B (the principal)and both he and I will be outside for recess to help figure this out. I certainly do not want this continue. If an incident happens, it is important that Maddison immediately go to the teacher on duty and do her best to watch the student as she goes as well as find a characteristic about the student that can help us pin point who it is. I have also checked again with the 3rd grade teachers and they didn’t have anyone out of their rooms during recess time today.
I wish you a great week,
Ms. S

Apparently today Maddison was taken to all the 3rd grade classrooms to try and "identify" the girl that is bullying her. Is it just me or does it sound like the teacher is implying that Maddison must be making this up because she wasn't able to identify the girl today? I'm telling you, I'm really done with this school.


Today when I picked up Maddison from school I overheard her friend ask her if she was ok. She also asked her if she found "the bully." Quietly under her breath Maddison said "no." Maddison immediately told me that yet again, she had sand thrown in her hair today. In comes MAMA BEAR. I'll admit my blood was boiling and I marched to the counselors office with my claws out. I was promised that today this bullying would stop. I was promised that Maddison's teacher would set up camp at lunch recess and FIND the child that is doing this. As always, the school FAILED my Maddison and I am ANGRY. She was supposed to be safe today and assured that she wouldn't be humiliated ONE MORE DAY. Sure, a little sand in the hair never hurt anyone physically....but emotionally it has the same impact as being physically ABUSED.

The counselor had gone home for the day. With Maddison in hand, I marched to the front desk and asked to see the principal-NOW. This is so not like me. Mama bear has taken over. The principal was in a meeting. How convenient. Next on my hit list was Maddison's teacher. I had passed her by as I walked in to pick up Maddison, and luckily as I turned there she was. Poor teacher got the wrath of Mama bear. I've never felt this way before, I feel bad for letting her teacher hear it, but I couldn't control the words from my mouth. I wanted to know WHY she wasn't on the playground as she promised. She stated that she was, earlier, and once she came back to check in with Maddison the dirty sand deed had already been done. Amazing how if this had been punches thrown all these days it would have been corrected by now. Apparently a little sand seems to be a small concern to her teacher, which, exactly fits her character and is the reason why I can't stand the woman.

I spoke with Maddison's teacher a few moments and told her how angry and frustrated I am. As if any parent would have to explain. Her teacher isn't married and doesn't have kids, so maybe she just doesn't get why this is such a big deal to a Mama bear. I told her I will not wait for another sand day to happen, that each time Maddison is bullied it leaves its mark and hurts her spirit. Children should not be fearful to go to school. Imagine how she feels as the entire playground watches this happen yet again! How could this happen AGAIN after they assured me they were going to take care of it!!?? So, I told Maddison's teacher that if I have to observe the playground Monday after spring break I will. I called the principal when we got home-still in a meeting, I'm waiting for his call.

The good thing is, I've calmed down now. I will be able to speak to Mr Principal without my anger and emotions taking over. Funny thing....I thought I was low after Mama bear paid a visit.....checked myself in at 302! How is that for an adrenaline anger induced high? I left work just 30 minutes prior at 123. The mama bear proof is in the numbers too I guess.......

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Back from the zoo field trip

I barely survived! OH MY. As much as I adore kids, and I am amazed with anyone that could have a classroom of 25 kids every day.....I sure couldn't do it. The bus ride to the zoo today nearly killed me, even being fairly quiet. Today was a gorgeous 78 degree day, thank goodness! Each parent chaperon was assigned to four kids in a group besides your own child and you simply set out on your own way. It always seems like a million miles of dusty and dirty trails at the Phoenix Zoo. Not my favorite spot, even though I love to walk. The animals are always sleeping or hiding and the kids are always zooming by each exhibit without any interest really. Even crazier, our bus driver got us lost, so we had less than 3 hours to tour a 5 hour zoo AND do lunch. YIKES.

You would think that a zoo trip would include a few lows of course! Actually, I gave Maddison an extra snack before arriving, and when she said she felt low she was a perfect 80. I gave her some raisins which held her until lunch. I hoovered in the
70's but felt like I was in the 40's. ICK. Blood sugars were awesome otherwise! A nice trip all in all, but the 40 min drive home with a bus full of screaming kids singing "Who took the cookie from the cookie jar" was enough to induce a serious migraine, even for Maddison. Not kidding. On the way home one poor little girl apparently felt the same way as Maddison and I and ended crying and pleading for the song to stop! I highly agreed! I couldn't believe the teacher let the song continue so long and wasn't concerned about the VOLUME. It was THAT crazy! Maddison and I came straight home to my comfy bed, pulled the curtains and had some serious quiet time complete with lots of Powerade zero. Whew! A much needed rest!

During lunch one little boy asked me if I knew Maddison had a bully at school. Oh man.....I didn't think it was a "bully" and I thought that no one else knew. All the other kids chimed in and told me that it is a 3rd grader and she has thrown sand in Maddison's hair 4 or 5 times. TALK ABOUT THROWING ME OFF GUARD! I didn't know what to say a first. The boy told me that tomorrow all the boys are going to "guard" Maddison in a line, or maybe in a circle when she plays in the usual spot in the sand. It sounds like he has a protection plan in order. I think I need a plan too. I had no idea we were looking at something to this degree. I just want to find out who this girl is and STOP the trouble she is causing.

I really dont get it. In Maddison's class she is "prized"....and when I say "prized" I mean that all the kids watch out for her. They all care about her well-being and always ask if she needs to go to the nurse. They worry when she misses school and many have sent home pictures they draw for her that include animals because they know she is ALL about animals. They all want to sit with her at lunch. At least, these are the things I see when I am there. I know that last year Maddison had a few girls that were mean to her on occasion, but that was simply "no you can't play with us" type stuff. I thought it was because she was repeating 1st grade with all new faces. This year hasn't been so bad, and Maddison has a very close friend that she is always playing with. Every "bad day" that Maddison has I ask her about. Rarely does she mention a conflict, and never has she mentioned something like this. WHY are kids so mean? I just will never understand it.

I have a meeting with the school counselor tomorrow to talk about this "bully" and see if we can pinpoint who it is. I didn't see this coming at all. Maddison hasn't really complained about it either. I really think I am done with public school. This bully isn't the reason. This bully is my breaking point. I have had to FIGHT for Maddison every damn year. Since Kindergarten I wanted her tested for learning concerns and she never "qualified" because she "hadn't fallen behind yet." Once she did start to fall behind she was diagnosed with the "D" demon and it was downhill from there. The confidence she once had diminished almost overnight, not because of the Diabetes, but because she can't keep up in the classroom and doesn't complete tasks timely. It doesn't help that she's in the nurses office 3-7 times a day trying to escape the "torture" because she doesn't know how else to cope with feeling "incapable." She is bored, she lacks concentration, and doesn't learn best by listening. She learns best by doing and seeing. She will never succeed when she feels bad about herself. She will never be the student she could be when she is trying to learn a way that her brain is not wired to learn. She will never have confidence when the damn bully beats her down, throws sand in her hair and taunts her by calling her "one inch Maddison." This has to stop. I'm going crazy looking for the answer and I'm being naive to think a public school has the answer. I've been trying for an answer since Kindergarten.

This is our 4th year (K, 1st, repeat 1st, 2nd) and I'm tired. I want the teasing and boredom to stop. I want Maddison to enjoy learning. I want her to be confident in school as she is away from home. Back from the zoo field trip, I have alot to think about!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Campaign time!!

I don't think I will submit an entry this year for the "Inspired by Diabetes" global campaign competition because, well, you all know how I have been feeling lately. Maddison however, has had her entry completed since January. Remember last year? Maddison won 3rd place for her poetry entry! 3rd place over THOUSANDS of other entries! She was, and still is soooo proud of this accomplishment. The deadline for entries is March 31st!! I have to get hers in the mail TODAY! No more being disorganized and putting things off...she has an adorable entry again this year!

As far as my entry this year.....well...it isn't gonna happen. I still have the time to come up with something of course, but the feeling just isn't there. I believe in this campaign with all of my heart and I think it is awesome that Maddison remembered it on her own this year, but I just don't have anything good to say lately, and especially not about Diabetes. I'm feeling a little better today as far as my outlook and motivation, but I'm still not me. So check it out....so many of you D bloggers out there are an inspiration to me, to all of us with Diabetes. Good luck! And watch for Maddison's submission to be posted after the deadline date!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Painful to hear

Today when I picked up Maddison from school I was greeted by the school nurse. She had been in Maddison's classroom updating her daily bring home log. Maddison was a weird 292 going in to lunch, but was in range all morning. Thats weird. The main reason the nurse came to speak with me was because Maddison was angry with her pump, finger poker and "life" today. -Sigh- What am I supposed to say to that?

As soon as we got to the car Maddison was her usual cheerful self, talking non-stop about all sorts of things. We were on our way to the bird rescue where Maddison volunteers. The rescue has a few new baby Goslings that Maddison is now in charge of bathing and tending to each day. She was naturally SO excited. I hated to bring up anything school related, but I had to. Maddison's responses to my questions were as painful as any parent could ever fear.

I asked Maddison why she is so angry with school lately. Normally I have to give a range of reasons in order to get a response, and she chooses which one fits her feelings. She has never been one to volunteer information. Basically what I heard again today was that she is bored in class and can't concentrate. Thats nothing new. She said that sometimes kids she doesn't know are mean to her, but mostly it was last year. She is frustrated when they ask about her pump and tell her she should not wear it because it will make her "sick." I dont understand that one, but Maddison said she thinks they say this because the site is "shot into her arm" and will hurt her more than it helps her. She also said that she knows the kids think her arm sites are weird. It used to be the kids never saw her site because we didn't use her arms much. But lately it is her preferred spot, it must not bother her too much because she still chooses her arms most times. Of course, I know somehow she still carries those comments with her. Talking to Maddison I really believe that the Diabetes related comments aren't the ones that are as painful as the rest of whats happening at school.....

Last year Maddison said she was chased and teased on the play ground being called "one inch Maddison" because of her tiny petite size. She never once mentioned this to me, or the school counselor! Maddison is around 45lbs and is size comparable to a 6 or 7 yr old although she is nearing 9 this summer. Her bone growth showed age 5yrs 9months when it was checked back in November. Her endo plays it up to the damn Diabetes "stunting" her growth, however, it is partly just who she is, just like me. I know that she understands this, but it doesn't mean she doesn't have sad feelings about it, especially when kids are teasing her. I always tell her how I was a very small child too for my age. So come to find out, Maddison still has some of these same kids tormenting and chasing her around the playground on occasion. Maybe the sand incident Friday brought back all those sad and painful feelings. Can I just have a moment to cry my eyes out now?

Last year was SO HARD on Maddison because she was repeating 1st grade with no familiar faces and an all new peers that didn't know her before she had Diabetes. They just weren't as excepting as when she was diagnosed in the beginning of the first year of 1st grade. The kids then already loved her before she was diagnosed. They all wanted to walk her to the nurse, care for her and they were concerned for her after being diagnosed. Kids sure were mean that next year having not already accepted her as a stranger in their grade. But that was last year, and I was sure it was all behind us.

I asked Maddison if "sand" girl was around again today and she said NO. I asked her if anyone was mean to her and she said YES. She immediately changed the subject to talk about her exciting trip to volunteer. After caring for the Goslings and on our way home, Maddison opened up and told me that she is happy she has a disease that you can't see, "except for the pump" she says. She said that she would cry if she had a disease like a "tumor" on her body that everyone would make fun of. Then she went on to ask me that if she lost one of her legs, would I get her a "prosthetic" one.....too much animal planet. Last nights episode had on a lady that lost her leg in a shark attack. Thank goodness she wasn't asking because of Diabetes or I would have lost it right then and there!

I'm at a loss and I'm not sure which way to go. I know there will always be "mean kids" but geez...it isn't helping Maddison with her "hating" school. I was always the kid that felt bad for everyone. I felt bad for the "brainy" kid that was teased, the "stinky" kid, the "ugly" kid, the "chubby" kid.....I felt bad for them all and stood up for them when kids were mean. My kids are the same way, and although they aren't angels, they would never hurt anyone's feelings purposely. I just don't get why kids are mean. I really don't. My heart is just broken for Maddison. I want to take away all her pain and I don't think anything I can say will help that. We have had so many issues since Kindergarten with Maddison as far as boredom and her not performing to the level in which we know she is capable. Now add a Diabetes diagnosis with the ever changing erratic blood sugars. Emotions from highs and lows, visits to the nurses office 3-7 times a day. How much is Maddison really learning in this environment? Today was unbearable to hear she is being teased on top of it all.

Everyone wants their child to thrive and succeed. No one wants them to be picked on, struggle in school or lose their confidence because they can't "concentrate" and learn to their potential. What if the normal classroom just isn't suitable for Maddison? I can tell you teasing and tormenting only magnifies the classroom concerns. I'm not even sure of the depths of this teasing because she doesn't want to talk about it. Her spirit has been broken by so many things lately. I had no idea there were kids being mean to her. I don't know where to start anymore. The classroom...the playground....where do I start? We have an IEP for other health impared and it doesn't mean shit when it comes to being teased. It hasn't meant anything really, because Maddison's teacher fails to follow it. Thats a whole 'nother story for another day. How can anything fall in line for Maddison when she is being treated this way? How can she feel confident and eager to learn when she just isn't the "normal" kid that learns the typical classroom way? What is affecting what? Emotions, learning, attention span, concentration, blood sugars, fear of other kids......I just dont know where to start.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Fabulous weekend, why the Monday blues?

This weekend was a warm and sunny, relaxing, much needed break for our family once again. It isn't often that Dad gets to be home all day on a Saturday, so we got to enjoy the used-to-be Saturday morning breakfast as a family. After breakfast it's time to snuggle in bed, all four of us plus two furry Goldens. I think the dogs enjoy the Saturday snuggles almost more than us non-furry family members! Maddison's weekend basal rate proved to be a bit too high and she dropped to 54 soon after breakfast. Poor dear, she was exhausted for awhile so we spent some time watching her favorite Animal Planet of course! About an hour later she was roaring and ready to get on with her day...but what to do?

We decided to visit the new library for the grand opening just down the block from our house. It seemed every book left out on the tables in the kids area was left especially for Maddison, she got quite a kick out of that! Left out were books about being a vet, horses, desert wildlife, BIRDS...all the things Maddison loves most! Hannah found some books totally perfect for her that follow the whole "Twilight" type drama. I got a book "type 1 for dummies", because you know....sometimes I feel like I make things too complicated. I figured if I dont learn anything from this book, at least I would FEEL like an expert after reading it :) Silly, I know.

We spent a few hours on the patio at a local Pizza Brewery enjoying each others company and the awesome AZ weather for lunch. What a relaxing time. The evening brought about poker for dads, so our support group friends and I spent the time with our kids watching movies until we fell asleep! NICE! Sunday I was amazingly motivated for the first time in weeks. I got alot of chores done. Maddison and I started our Spring Garden complete with Strawberries, herbs, zucchini and lots of other yummy veggies. We talked about how the 2 hours of weeding the garden in preparation was the hard work, and the payoff would be soon to come, no pain no gain! Maddison told me she relates that hard work to school.....she knows that although school is "miserable" for her, she knows that in the end she will have "her vet job"

Maddison's numbers were fabulous all weekend, which makes me wonder why I still feel so "sad" and not myself lately. I should be back to feeling good and "happy" because I have conquered the "D" monster for a while now. But, I dont. I think I am feeling sad for Maddie, I'm wondering about the girl who dumped sand in her hair....and I feel horrible that she still struggles and cries about school so often. I was the same way when I was her age so i totally understand, but yet I dont. It isn't lacking friends, it isn't that the classwork is too difficult......I just dont know what it is. And, I didn't have Diabetes when I was her age, so I can only imagine how she feels if the Diabetes plays part at all. The school counselor is going to meet with Maddison today about the "sand" issue from Friday. I just dont know what to think. My heart aches for Maddison. The school nurse emailed me this morning to tell me that Maddison was in half an hour after school started complaing she was "dizzy"....it doesn't surprise me since she started her morning in tears complaining that I had to believe her when she says her throat is "on fire." I just dont know what to do anymore.

An hour after breakfast and feeling dizzy, the nurse checked Maddison and she was
118. She sent her on her way back to class. Maddison has always struggled with "miserable Mondays" and suddenly it is worsening. It seems we will need to talk again about "crying wolf" being that Maddison has visited the nurse 4-5 times in the school day. I know last week she was struggling to feel good in range again, but she still continues to do anything to get out of class. If I could quit my job today and home school Maddison I would. I fear that she will continue to be "just like me" and be "bored" and unhappy at school. School just isn't finely matched for each individual, and I wonder if Maddison would thrive in the "right" environment since she surely isnt at school.

If you could see the child Maddison is at school in comparison to who she is at home you would see complete opposites. I am sure the school thinks Maddison has a crazy home life or "issues" and that really freaks me out. IEP testing this year showed that Maddison's cognitive thinking was considered 98% above that of her peers. She is considered a 5th grade level although she is only in 2nd grade. (something like that) One word, Boredom. I'm sure she really is bored in the classroom. She also seems to have my bad habit....if it isn't interesting you struggle to retain anything you learned about it. I'm a daydreamer. She is a daydreamer. I struggle to stay on task, as does she. We have terrible memories. We can't stand to sit at a desk all day. We learn by seeing and doing, not by listening.-Sigh- There has to be a better answer. School shouldn't be this difficult in 2nd grade. She is a happy child, 100% when she is at home. Why the Monday blues? And why does Monday seem to turn into the entire school week lately?

Friday, March 6, 2009

Dear Anonymous commenter,

Here is the answer to your question about getting the BS to stay stable after meals without crashing later.....for us, it is a simple 15 min prebolus if blood sugar is 90-100. No basal reduction or fancy tricks, but Maddison also doesn't eat any high GI foods for breakfast, no cereal especially, and she typically eats the same 3 choice breakfasts during the school week so I have had alot of experience with which breakfasts need how much of a pre-bolus. (I guess her picky eating isn't so bad after all because it makes numbers much easier to figure out!)

*Normally* Maddison wakes up around 120-160 and she gets a standard 15 min prebolus for breakfast. At the 1hr post prandial mark she will be around 180 if she starts off in this range. I guess she typically is about 40 pts higher than the starting number at 1 hour after eating. This of course, happens only when our numbers havent had any highs streaks at all. As in, it doesn't happen all that often! Maybe half the days in a school week. (I only know this because she was complaining of feeling low in the mornings RIGHT as the school bell rang, so I started checking her to show her the number before she went into the classroom.) I think what Maddison eats for breakfast is a really good balance of protein and non-spiky foods for the AM hours. Today she had a less carby breakfast of 3 slices of whole wheat toast with cinnamon and Splenda and 1 cup of SF chocolate milk. She isn't a fruit eater either, unfortunately! If I could add in fruit to her breakfast I am sure she would have a much higher spike! Todays carb count for breakfast came in at 45c vs the normal pancakes w/ SF syrup and PB on top with SF chocolate milk that has about 60c. I dont know HOW we actually have these "stable" no spike mornings sometimes, but, we do. And no, we have never had a CGMS for backup. I think it is a good pre-bolus, balanced meal and LUCK! Hope that helps!

I thought 90 was a feel good number

For Maddison right now, it isn't. At home and back in range, Maddison hasn't complained once about feeling low in the 90's. Scratch that....30min after breakfast this morning she said she felt low, she was 92. She started breakfast at 98, so I was just as worried as she was. I gave her 4 smarties to help her feel safe and sent her off to school with over 3 units active. That's what you call a well timed pre-bolus I guess. To Maddison it meant she was going to crash, and I'm sure being back to "good" numbers means she isn't used to what a 90 feels like. She did feel low, so an hour after school started she was in the nurses office insisting she was low or dropping fast. She was 98. By snack time 3 hours later she was 90. Maddison was frustrated, confused and angry that she felt low and wasn't. She told the nurse that she can't "concentrate" as she slammed her meter down in her office. The school nurse didn't call. She sent her to see the school counselor again instead.

I must say, our school counselor is a god sent. I can't imagine not having her there for Maddison's hard days. Although it is hard for most people to understand "WHY" Maddison feels low and isn't, our counselor always calls me to try and understand so she can help. She knows that Maddison isn't just trying to get out of class like so many other teachers assume when she complains of feeling low for the 5th time in a day. So, this morning the counselor called me at work to talk about Maddison's "sad" day. She said that Maddison was very angry at her meter in the nurses office earlier. She mentioned that Maddison just seemed so sad. She knows "sad" isn't typically how Maddison struts her stuff around school, she knows when things aren't going well for Maddison. So it was up to me to explain "why" Maddison is feeling so down. For me, it was an obvious, but for the outsider they assume she has "emotional" or "anger" issues as does the nurse every time we go through this.

I can honestly say that I am happy I have this nasty disease too. If I didn't I would probably be lost in understanding of why Maddison struggles so often. I wouldn't know what to say to help her some days. Of course as a parent we all feel our childs heartache. It's a good thing that I *really* understand how Maddison feels. I understand the "total" feeling. It isn't just a descriptive word, it is so many feelings all at once. The physical and emotional is just the obvious. Somehow Diabetes is so much more than this. The hidden feelings that are ever so silent always comes back from our sub-conscious mind and effect us when we are at our weakest, for Maddison the low feeling made her weak in spirit today. She was feeling TIRED of this Diabetes game.

Diabetes has been tough the last several weeks. I have been back to feeling totally defeated for not being able to get highs controlled. GUILT, for me has aways been a major issue, and today, I feel horribly guilty that it took me so long to get Maddison back in range, for now she feels low and isn't. I feel like a clueless Diabetes parent. After listening to the school counselor tell me of Maddison's sad day, I too, became overwhelmed with sadness. I felt like I was being smothered in emotions that were about to explode. On the long drive home I didn't cry. I'm trying to tell myself that Maddison's feelings will pass once she stays in range another day or two. I know another day or so will bring back the feel good in a 90. But, I hate how this makes her feel until then. Lows make you feel....more than just low. Maddison struggles in the classroom anyway, and today a "low" 90 blood sugar was all it took to cause her heartache.

I have always taught Maddison to insist to others when she KNOWS she is low or dropping. At home we can talk about why she is 90 with 3units active and will be okay. At home we can distract. We can give a few smarties to ease the weakness in her legs and confusion in her mind. At school she doesn't get the time she needs to "cope" with how she is feeling and why she feels low and isn't. At school the nurse has a protocol. We play it by my written instructions. There isn't any room or time in a school day to sit back and help Maddison feel safe. There isn't a mom who understands. Just the written protocol that Maddison doesn't understand. At school there isn't a mom to make a wiser decision based on pattern, described word or "that one time" that I didn't listen. Maddison knows this, and I think she struggles with trusting the nurse since I have always taught her to trust herself and her feelings. Of course this 90 range should be a feel good range. Right now for Maddison it isn't when she is at school....let me explain why.....

At home when Maddison is adjusting to being in range again she is fine. She doesn't have to sit at a desk and concentrate, take spelling tests and fight the feelings of wondering what her blood sugar is doing. At home Maddison knows I am here. She knows the difference between a true low and a feeling that is tricky. She normally waits out the feeling a few minutes to see if the strange feeling passes. At home Maddison is distracted by running around enjoying the sunshine, playing with her pets, enjoying her carefree style. Why is school causing us so much pain?

I think about how I feel when I am away from home and have a BAD low. I can say that a "not so low"-low actually feels alot worse sometimes because of fear. No one wants to be caught in a moment of weakness. Being away from home and wondering if this is the low that causes you to pass out makes you feel pretty darn uncomfortable. It often makes the low even more intense. Sometimes you want to hide so no one sees you, then you realize that being alone isn't the answer since you might need help. It is uncomfortable to be "out of it" when you are talking to a friend, a stranger at the store, a client at work. I imagine Maddison at school feeling this way, magnify that times a million for an 8yr old I would assume.

I picked Maddison up from school and we spent some time talking about her feeling today. She assured me that she was so angry and sad today because she couldn't concentrate. We talked about why the class missed morning recess, and that made her mad too. Then she told me on her lunch recess that a little girl she doesn't know poured sand in her hair. I asked her what she said to this devil child, and she said she told her to STOP and then the girl ran away. Then she told me she came back and did it again. She acted like it wasn't a big deal, but I can tell you it IS a big deal to me. I dont know what to think....so I emailed the school counselor back for advice. Could Maddison really be dealing with something like this devil child all the time ON TOP of all the other crap she endures? I'm so heart broken. I'm waiting for a better time to talk about this with her. First, we need to have some fun. We are off to the park on a "nature walk"!!!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

One nights sleep

Last night for the first time in months, I was confident with Maddison's basal settings. No high to correct going to bed, no active insulin, no food digesting, not even a tad low....As a result, I was able to sleep straight from her midnight check until 630 this morning! I haven't slept that long of a stretch in many months! YAY! I actually felt refreshed this morning. Maddison stayed in range again all night, and today her numbers haven't hit over 150 thanks to a slight .05 increase at 6am that I've been debating over making. WHAT A RELIEF!

One solid nights sleep is a blessing for me. Even more important is the fact that Maddison is "stable" overnight and in range for optimal health and well being. Amazing how one night and a few good days with Diabetes can put your feel good feelings and optimism back on track. I take Maddison's high spells very personally and they really make me someone that I am not. It's sad, but true. I'm working on that. I know "high spells" shouldn't make me feel this way, and I'm not talking about the random highs. Its the weeks of "too high" that get me. I wish I could just make adjustments more quickly and see results, instead of having to try so many different things over so many days. Oh well....what matters is I think I have basal adjustments made just right for now! Hallelujah! I plan to sleep well tonight! (knock on wood!) :)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The result

Breakfast 7am BS= 142
838am= 162 "felt low"
946am= 128

Lunch 1213pm BS= 118
219pm 178

Hmmm...glad I didn't increase basals today! I'll take it! (and hope my theory continues to fit the crime)

YAY! What a relief! Betcha tomorrow will be a different story just to really throw a curve in there. Oh well, for today I'm happy and relieved to have Maddison in range again (mostly) after some wild times over the weekened!

Hours spent, nothing changed

Last night after being totally DONE with chasing Maddison's numbers the past 4 weeks, I sat down for nearly 3 hours and reviewed everything. Normally I review numbers everytime there is an obvious change needed. I spend a few minutes, make a few changes, and hope for the best tomorrow. Last night, my brain was swimming in the new realization that too many high fat meals = overall insulin resistance for more than just the day the foods are consumed. (which makes sense when you think about the viscious cycle for many type 2's)

I made a bizzilion changes for TOMORROW and decided if Maddison is still out of range all day today I will switch to the new pattern. Last night, I just couldn't change anything. No basal changes, ISF or ratio changes were making sense to me. We have still had 2-3 "good" blood sugar days each week despite looking like something needed to change....I know that I am on to something with these random "good" and "bad" blood sugar days! It isn't any pump settings that need to be changed afterall! Good bye to french fries, pizza, chocolate and all that yummy stuff! We have now placed you into the "once in a great while" catagory as you used to be, we are getting back to our typical diets....time to cook or not, ...we can't start this bad habit!

So this morning the result =

In range all night which shows a good basal rate.
No exceeding 30pts and no dropping 30pts from the starting bedtime number of 160

I'll take that. Now, I just hope the nurse has a good report for today! I honestly expect to see that Maddison was in range all day. Friday and Monday were "good" blood sugar days, but yesterday was a "bad" blood sugar day. I betcha it was those damn french fries the night before! I know it! Wether we had the correct carb count or not, SOMETHING should have dropped Maddison into range after many corrections. Now...lets just hope I don't feel like an idiot in my next post because I'm wrong! Fingers crossed!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

ISF vs Basal changes

GOING-CRAZY. Here is my quick post to ask for HELP! I have been studying "patterns" (which there arent any) for THREE HOURS tonight and just thought of another thing to consider! I can't seem to get anything right with Maddison's numbers lately. Any help is appreciated! I think I am seeing a new "reason" for this, Maddison's diet has been crazy lately!! Poor food choices and alot of high fat eating out which we dont usually do. Ice cream, cookies, french fries, cake, pizza.......SO BAD! Such BAD, BAD eating! I'm embarrassed to even mention it!

So looking at Monday you can see her basal would be set right because she doesn't go up or down more than 30pts AND her ratio should be right because she just kind of STAYS around the same range. Right? This was the "good day" we have 2 days of the week. The rest of the days are either a tad low or 280's.

630am 135
815am 129 felt low (1hr 15min after breakfast)
841am 168 still feels low
1044am 182 (after 10am snack, before PE)
1237noon 185 before lunch
1230p (30 min after lunch) Feels low again!

Then, came french fries this night for dinner at 6pm......about 60c worth, and man....the highs from fat resistance just kept coming!

730pm 368 (meltdown) .7 correction should have done it for a non-fat high!
925pm 315 (oh boy, long night of french fry high!)CORRECTED according to pump
1136pm 149 (I think this was actually my BS and I used her meter in the night!)

121am 190 (.2 should have done it!)
549am 194 (.2 should have done it!)
7am 222 eating breakfast with 30 min pre-bolus!
936am 214 (snack time at school)
1018am 205 (1hr after snack, 15c protein bar)
1229noon 306 WHAT THE HECK? This never happens at this time of day!!
315pm 213 Corrected
511pm 175 corrected and set a 150% temp basal because corrections ALWAYS work this time of day!!
630Pm 198 (feels low)

Now, we shall see the rest of the night. I think that since this is a typical pattern lately of one "good day" and one CRAZY day...that I was going to consider changing ISF. BUT....the crazy days when the corrections dont work the basal seems fine. The corrections seem to not work on the day AFTER Maddison had a high fat dinner or "desert" before bed. I think she is having fat resistance 10-12 OR MORE hours after poor food choices! How else can you explain one good day of numbers, one crazy day, etc etc etc.....AH yes....DIABETES. I guess that just sums it up in one word. But seriously.....I really think poor food choices are more than just a one day effect. Anyone? I need some wise old experts here! Basal changes are not working consistently from day to day. We have had lows, good days, but then days that she stays higher she is still within 30pts of the starting test number, but just doesn't respond to corrections. UGH. I'm so frustrated. I think the solution right now is going back to our STRICT eating habits. Anyone seen this kind of fatty resistance one to the next day?

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Sleepover Silliness

On Saturday my fabulous :) Sister in Law and I took my girls and their little cousins (age 3 and 5) to our school Spring Carnival. What a perfectly beautiful 85 degree day! I have forgotten how much work little ones are, and OH MY are they sooooo funny! I miss my little girls! So, Maddison had a 73 blood sugar with some active insulin so I decided to treat her to the cotton candy she was eye balling. She shared with her sister and cousins, and I bolused 8c just to be safe from later high craziness. The package suggested 15c for a half an ounce of cotton candy.....how the HECK do you guesstimate that? Today is supposed to be a fun day...not a worry about every single carb day...so Maddison was 138 an hour later but 336 two hours later at our support group pizza party! (Big sigh) This is the same delayed high weirdness that we have been seeing for weeks now. What the heck?

So the plan was, my girls were to help babysit their little cousins overnight at their house with their Auntie. Ahhhhh yes...a sleepover when Maddison's numbers have been CRAZY overnight. GREAT. The plan was to get her to bed around 180-200 to avoid having to check her overnight. Perfect 201 before bed. Awesome! Too bad they had French fries for dinner! I knew very well Maddison would go too high from the fat later in the night, but we were going to leave it and pretend Diabetes isn't there tonight. Awesome Auntie Christina agreed to wake at 3am to check Maddison anyway. She was 450!! HOLY MOLY, NO WAY I predicted that! So I had Auntie correct and knock off a .3 in case she went too low (which doesn't usually happen) but after an 85 degree day and running around with her cousins all day ya never know!

I tried to get back to sleep but was too concerned about the 450. That just couldn't be right! I HAD to call her back and ask if her finger was clean. Although they did clean her finger before checking, the next number came back at 301 or something. AHHH!! I knew it! So, now she had been corrected in full and all I could imagine was her going too low after playing so hard all day. So poor Auntie had to recheck her in two hours. She was 200 with .3 active and the pump suggested exactly that same amount to bring her in range. Auntie figured she might as well stay awake since it was now 5am and the little cousins wake up in about an hour anyway! So at 6:30am Auntie went to recheck Maddison to make sure she was good. And, the number she saw was 17.

Auntie has now leaped from the bed spilling the meter and supplies everywhere as she runs for the sugar gel and Glucagon in Maddison's back pack. Full panic mode, in disbelief, shaking and trying to tell herself that 17 CANT be right, she wakes Maddison easily. Maddison sits up wondering why the heck Auntie is trembling and fumbling with her meter. Maddison takes the meter and checks herself. (LOL) She was 171 not 17!!!! Aunties finger was covering the part of the 171 number! I have sooooo done this before! Poor Auntie was having a heart attack left and right in this sleepover craziness! (I'm soooo sorry Auntie Christina!!)

Today they are off to play some miniature golf. Hannah texts me that Maddison is 118 with .6 active, not good. So, I have Maddison take 10c to stop an impending low. An hour later, my phone rings (yes, please always call me Christina if you have ANY questions) and Maddison is laying on the couch at 109 insisting she is dropping. Feeling terrible and low, with zero active insulin. Poor Maddy feels low and isn't because she has been running so high lately. Makes me so sad for her, and angers me that I can't get these numbers under control lately. I ask her to have a snack with some protein to feel better. I hope she does so she can continue her weekend fun with her cousins!

I've learned that just because Maddison is away and in GREAT hands, it doesn't mean I dont worry. It doesn't mean I can sleep either. I feel guilty for having to run her higher to send her off for fun. I feel guilty that she feels low at 109. It is entirely up to me to manage her blood sugars, well being and LIFE with this horrid disease and I hate that no matter what I do, I feel bad about the decisions I make. I hate thinking about Diabetes SO much in one day. I hate that we have to be so cautious and balance fun with health. Today I am mixed up between being happy for Maddison being out there enjoying a weekend without me, and being so angry that Diabetes is still so obviously there. I wish she could just have one day off from the 10 finger pokes, highs and lows. As much as Diabetes "isnt" so obvious anymore, it really is on days like this for ME. The worry is right there, the wish for a break is right there. It never goes away, as much as I try to spend the day without thinking of it. Sometimes I wonder if we should take a Diabetes day off. Of course, we can never actually do that entirely. We will still have to count carbs and bolus for them.....but maybe a day without finger pokes is what we need. Maybe a day of not seeing ANY numbers is the answer for a "break"......probably not. But, I can dream can't I?

Aunt Christina.....thank you for caring for Maddison! Without you she is "tied" and dependant on me for her Diabetes care when she should be learning Independence. She wants that Independence. She tells me all the time. But Diabetes throws too many curves in the road. There are too may things to consider with each and every number, and Maddison just can't be Diabetes independant at her age. Sure, she can bolus and check her own blood sugar...but thats only a small part of Diabetes every day. I appreciate that you tote her around and give her much needed time away from me. She doesn't get out without me much, but when she does with you I know she is enjoying every single minute of it! I feel bad you had such a tough time with this sleep over silliness! Thats just a day in the life of Diabetes I guess!

I hope that "17" didn't cause you too many grey hairs! That "17" could have been very real, without reason, which is exactly why I am a bit over the top when it comes to Maddison's Diabetes! I'm sorry that you learned WHY I am crazy! That "17" is also the reason that we strive to educate about Type 1, because it is THAT unpredictable sometimes and people still see Diabetes as an "easily managed" disease. It makes me sad that they do. That "17" is also the reason we walk with JDRF every year and the reason I am sleep deprived. Most kids don't wake up at night when they are low, and even scarier, alot of them don't even feel their lows during the day! You had a tough Diabetes night, but I thank you with all my heart for all you do with my girls!